Spouse adjustment problems? HELP!

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Specializes in Med-Surg, LTC, Rehabiliation Nursing.

I posted this in the graduate nurse forum, but I really feel like I need advice from experienced nurses also, as you may have been through this. Has anyone else had problems with their spouse or significant other adjusting to getting through nursing school? After 9 years of marriage, 4 years of school, (and we all know how hard THAT was, even with a supportive spouse), I am having the hardest time with my husband! Threatened by my success? He has a good job, makes decent money, we are not rich by any means, but now I will be making more than him, and it really seems to be blowing his socks off. I was just wondering if any one else had been through this and successfully managed to get through. I just graduated and passed my boards, I have a job but havent even started yet, and things are just rotten. And, it isnt like my husband doesnt know me, I could qualify as a flaming feminist, (I just think excess in any area is a bad thing), I have always had a strong personality, its not like he did not know this coming in.

I would just love some feedback, to know if any one else out there has or is going through this. The worst part is that my husband is not really chauvanist (spelling?) jerk. Unless he has been hiding it really well for 9 years. And with apologies in advance to the men out there, he IS still a man, and I dont want to hurt his ego. As matter of fact, some truthful responses from you men would be great, also! Why is this so hard, and how can I make it better? Without being a simpering idiot, of course.

I am really at my wits end, half of me just wants to be royally pissed off, but the other half knows that this will NOT help the situation at all. Any advice?Thanks in advance for any opinions or advice.

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Specializes in Utilization Management.

What's he really feeling threatened about? Usually money fights are not really about money. It's about rejection. Guys derive a lot of their self-worth from money.

You need to assure him that you love him and you're not going to develop a sudden desire to marry rich.

It might not be such a bad idea to schedule a rather expensive (splurge on it, just because now you CAN) romantic evening with him alone, and let him know this in no uncertain terms. ;)

He might find that he enjoys being a "kept man."

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And if that doesn't work, go for therapy...if you want to keep him.

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My spouse troubles over my career didn't start until I graduated and passed the boards. My husband, who is disabled, would say mockingly, oh well, now you're big shot RN, you can do what you want...na na na... and he would just needle me making accusations that were not true at all (and I think he knew it, he was just having a hard time with his own self-perceived inadequacies, I guess.) This really upset me, because never once have I tried to use my education against anyone, I never even brought it up. I was just working like a sweat hog to get through school and thought things would finally be better. I can care less about being a "big shot RN". I'm not ambitious that way, I don't even have any desire to be over anybody at all. I just want to do my job, come home and be with my family.

Anyway, for awhile it was rough. I think he also felt threatened because he knew that if I decided I wanted to, I could leave and be able to make my own way.

It is a few months later and things have simmered down. If they hadn't I don't think I could have taken it this long. He was really giving me a hard time for awhile.

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He might find that he enjoys being a "kept man."

That's exactly how my husband looks at it. He can't wait for me to start making more money than he does so he can kick back and relax.

Whether that's actually a good thing is another question ...

:chuckle

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Specializes in ER.

Since he found out what my pay is going to be, my husband has been referring to me as his "sugar mama" .:lol2:

One thing that has gotten under my skin are the outside influences planting doubts in his head. The guys at work have been known to tease him about how I am going to start work and run off with a good looking doctor (:barf01:). He consciously lets the jokes roll off his back, but I can tell he has just the tiniest little sliver of insecurity going that I haven't seen before.

I have been making sure he gets a little TLC, and that I don't get so self-absorbed in the NCLEX and new job business that I stop doing the little things for him that show I think of him...like picking up the special pretzels he likes when he hasn't asked me to; keeping up with our weekly lunch dates; and calling him on his cell phone at work occasionally to ask him stupid things like "what time is it?" (just because I can:p ).

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Specializes in Case Management.

I don't think you need to coddle him. If he wants to start problems because he can't handle you making more money, show him the door. Tell him, yes, it is true, I don't need to put up with you anymore, I can take care of myself. So you can stay and continue working on our wonderful marriage, (but I don't want a baby that cannot handle my paycheck), or you can go and find someone else to put under your thumb. Either way, nothing bad has happened, the only thing that has changed is now I can contribute a lot more towards the bills and we can work together to having a great life. If you can't handle this then see ya later.

The sign of a strong man is not how loud he can yell. The strongest man is a confident man who can command a room with a whisper.

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I had the sme expesience as lee...my husband told people that he was going to quit working and fish all day! ANd, of course he hasnt. we make about the same and he did say soemthing one day to the effect of " this year I might just beat you!!" To the OP, I def agree, find out what the real problem is and put his mind at ease. A marriage is a comittment and just because you have a disagreement doesnt mean you should say "see ya later." If discussing it doesnt work try counseling, takling to your religious advisor, or whoever you are most comfortable with...maybe that is a close mutual friend who can be objective.

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Specializes in primary care, pediatrics, OB/GYN, NICU.

When I graduated from nursing school a few years ago my husband and I had just gotten engaged. He was proud (he'd been with me all through the stress of school) but I think he was feeling a little insecure. He would say things like "are you sure you don't want to marry a doctor? you probably don't need me now..." I'd never seen him like that. He's always seemed so confident of himself. I just kept reassuring him that nothing had changed in who I was or how I felt about him. He's just fine now. And he's a very supportive husband now that I'm in an FNP program. He's looking forward to having more choices in his own career when I graduate in two years. He may be able to retire early since he has 20 years with the feds. hang in there. this is a real adjustment time for you guys.

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Specializes in Transgender Medicine.

Hmmm, my husband seems to love the idea of my money-making success in the future. He's a musician, so when I get out of school, he'll be able to hit the road with me when I do travel nursing and play at all kinds of bars/clubs. He can't wait. He even told me one time, that if I needed to, I could lock him in a closet so I could get some peace and quiet for study. His friends stopped teasing him when they realized how much fun he'll be having, and the fact that they're all still single. Wonder why? Anyway, talk is very good medicine. Whoever you're comfortable talking it out in front of, DO IT. Talk to them separately at first, one at a time. Perhaps something will come out during a session alone with the listener that wouldn't come out with you two together. Hang in there. You've made it this far together, so there must be something special between you worth saving. :icon_hug:

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Specializes in Long Term Care.

I have been with my SO for five years in October. He has been wonderful the whole time I was in Nursing School every time I really needed him, he was there. Now, I am done with school and I have passed my boards (woooohooo for me!), he seems really insecure. I have turned down jobs that paid really really well because it would mean less time at home with him and my son b/c of the drive. I have been looking forward to being his equal for so long and being able to stand on my own two feet, and now, he is being such a baby about it! I think part of it is the whole provider thing that men have been taught for so long. But, I seriously can not have him sabatoging my new job by making mountains out of mole hills all the time, and I told him so! So I am waiting to see if he can get over it.

I hope that things work out for the OP and all who have had and are having this kind of problem with their Spouses or SOs...

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Specializes in School Nursing.

My best advice to you is to build up your husband. Let him know just how much you love and care for him. We all have times when we feel insecure too...and doesn't that validation from them feel great. Offer him some grace and I bet you will get it back ten-fold. Hang in there and Congrats on all that you have accomplished.

LPN 90

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