Sounding board wanted! Please, need new perspective

Specialties Emergency

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Specializes in ICU.

hello all,

i'm new to allnurses, although i've been browsing threads for a few months. you all have provided some insightful views and great resources. for these reasons, i want to lay out an ongoing 'predicament' and hopefully gain different perspectives.

i am 24 years old. spent 5 yrs as an emt-b, completed nursing school and was accepted into a nursing excellence program (approx. 6 to 8 months of training in a critical care area.) of course, my real passion was er, but i listened to my don at the time who insisted i needed to develop my nursing skills and icu would be perfect.

here is the 'predicament': (yes, against my better judgment) i began dating someone who worked in the same unit (icu), only on weekend night shift. now, i'm the quiet, i-don't-know-enough-to-be-doing-this type. (wasn't always like that, of course, i learned that over the yrs in ems. the farther i go, the less i know!)

now i struggled a lot to go from ems thinking to icu nursing thinking, but nearly everyone was encouraging. except i started to hear negative things from my significant other. she would tell me how 'no one likes you,' 'everyone hates taking patients from you,' 'you're just not an icu nurse,' etc.

i was devastated. i've never had something i was an utter failure at. all along, i thought it was all me. this started around oct/nov. my program had started in august.

over the past month, i've noticed that i don't hear negative from anywhere else. she says the things she's saying come from her night crew-and not her. i've spoken with my manager (she is one of the rare, great ones whom i have trust and loyalty for) and she said that last week one of the weekender night shift nurses had come to her saying how well i'm doing and how much improved i am. (before that a nurse of 30+ yrs had called her from home to brag about how well i did one day, and this is a nurse i highly respect and hope to be half as good as one day.)

in the past 7 yrs, i don't think my confidence has ever been this low. my best friend told me the other day, "you haven't been positive in months, you've been a debbie downer, negative nancy, the only time i've heard you happy was when you called a few weeks ago and you'd signed your lease for your new place. and that's just not who you are."

i love the people i work with in icu, i'm just not crazy about the job. i start in the er night shift on april 5th. this is where i've wanted to be. (my manager who is now over er and icu offered me a job, twice. and i was offered a job at a facility in our corporation that sees about 10,000 more patients a year than ours. if i really am *that* bad, why would i still be here and why would i have these job offers?)

my ex has been in several abusive relationships before. this is not meant as an excuse for any behavior. she would often accuse me of 'not making up your mind or knowing what you want', 'not being happy with yourself' and 'nothing is ever your fault' etc. after thinking about this for a while, these are traits and behaviors i've seen in *her.*

ok, so, over the past month i've come to a tentative conclusion: i entered into a relationship that quickly became verbally and emotionally abusive and allowed it to go on. i allowed her to play on my insecurities to her benefit.

i am very excited about finally getting to er, but my trepidation is overshadowing it. what is your perspective on this situation, and can i regain my confidence and perform well (as well as possible) in the er?

thank you for your time and consideration.

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Specializes in mental health, military nursing.

Sounds like you understand the problem pretty well! You sound like a good nurse. Being a former EMT, you know what kind of environment you're getting into. Take the job you've wanted, and avoid that girl - she knows how to kick your self-esteem in the shins, and she'll continue to do it whenever you give her the chance. It's a power thing.

Hint - try not to date people who work in your department ;-)

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Specializes in ICU.

:DThank you! I appreciate your support. And definitely take note of the Hint!

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Specializes in Hospital Education Coordinator.

Might turn out to be a blessing in disguise. You now have the opportunity to start over and shine!

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Specializes in ER/Trauma, Home Care, Corrections.

She is your S.O. and is running you down about work? Sounds like jealousy to me. Try getting out of the unit where you both work. If things improve, then OK, if not, may be time to give the S.O. the heave-ho. I don't mean to be callous on this, since I am aware how a breakup feels, but sometimes we get ourselves into toxic relationships and you must have the self discipline to separate yourself from the irritant in your life. Of course, that can mean some grief and loss, and loneliness, but is the price to pay to get away from someone that probably doesn't have your best interests at heart. I think that successful, well adjusted people do this automatically and early, before a relationship gets out-of-hand. Codependent people just stay hooked up until something extreme happens. Take a hard look at your situation.

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Specializes in home health, dialysis, others.

Seems to me like the problem is HER, and she is attempting to bring you down with her. Take the ER position - you WILL be fabulous with your background. If things don't change with your relationship, time to find someone new.

Best Wishes.

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I think you'll do great!

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Specializes in Trauma, Teaching.

You are listening to the wrong person; keep repeating to yourself what EVERYONE else said. Put a lot of distance between yourself and the toxic relationship, you called her your "ex" but you are still devoting way too much energy to her. Talk to a pastor, or your pastoral care department person, a police chaplain (ours is great), a real friend; anyone, until you can't hear "ex's" voice anymore.

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Specializes in Cardiac Telemetry, ED.

There is a world of difference between those who offer constructive criticism to assist us to learn and grow, and people who just make you feel badly about yourself. My advice is to try to learn this distinction, and surround yourself with people who fit into the former category.

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Specializes in ER.

Ditch that poisonous person. You'll feel better after a few days of not having to listen to her. Even if you were a total klutz as a nurse her role was to build you up, not make you doubt yourself.

Short term counselling might help you purge the poison. Try EAP.

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Specializes in ICU.

aura_of_laura

....it's a power thing.

classicdame

might turn out to be a blessing in disguise. you now have the opportunity to start over and shine!

jiminocala

she is your s.o. and is running you down about work? sounds like jealousy to me..... take a hard look at your situation.

mamamerlee

seems to me like the problem is her, and she is attempting to bring you down with her....

kooky korky

i think you'll do great!

jbudd

you are listening to the wrong person; keep repeating to yourself what everyone else said. put a lot of distance between yourself and the toxic relationship, you called her your "ex" but you are still devoting way too much energy to her. talk to a pastor, or your pastoral care department person, a police chaplain (ours is great), a real friend; anyone, until you can't hear "ex's" voice anymore.

virgo_rn

there is a world of difference between those who offer constructive criticism to assist us to learn and grow, and people who just make you feel badly about yourself. my advice is to try to learn this distinction, and surround yourself with people who fit into the former category.

canoehead

ditch that poisonous person. you'll feel better after a few days of not having to listen to her. even if you were a total klutz as a nurse her role was to build you up, not make you doubt yourself.

short term counselling might help you purge the poison. try eap.

power thing...opportunity to start over...jealousy...bring you down with her..... my best friend is having a huge "i told you so!" moment.

thank you all very much for your words of wisdom, time and support. i come back and reread your posts when i need to clear out negative thoughts and refocus.

jbudd, perhaps i shouldn't have to ask, but how did you know it's still her voice i can hear in my head?

virgo_rn, you sound like my aunt, also a virgo! and, when i was very young the only person who talked with me as an equal and helped me think through whatever the situation may be.

canoehead and jbudd, there is one of our chaplains who is very nice and i'd be comfortable talking with. i may go speak with him this week.

i am still in that low place and "ex" calls or texts every so often. (this is when i think most about your posts.) three more nights in the icu this week and then i start orientation in the er. i don't want to get through this low time to be back where i was-i want to get through this and be that much better for it.

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Specializes in Trauma, Teaching.

How did I know?:lol2: because you only reported normal "I'm new and need to learn" thoughts, all the low down nasty wiggly doubt worms came out of the ex. Do not answer calls and don't read the texts; remember there is a reason she's ex! and continued calls are considered stalking. Firmly tell her in public you do not wish to be contacted in any way except for professional reasons at work. If it continues you report her to the managerment as creating a hostile work environment. Hugs kid!

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