I'm new to this site, so I apologize if what I write has already been discussed.
I am currently a nursing student, and I hope to work in L&D once I get my degree and get my license.
Anyway... I am a mom to three kids here on earth, and two in heaven.
I had a stillborn baby at 26 weeks (no known cause), and a second trimester miscarriage at 16 weeks (no known cause) where the baby passed lady partslly, and I had a d&c after b/c of the placenta which remained attached.
ANYWAY...I know in both of my experiences the nurses were pretty unsure as to how to treat me. I felt like I had the plague, and no one wanted to talk to me or get near me.
I have since been to many support group meetings for moms with prenatal/neonatal losses, and the bottom line is we all want everyone to acknowledge our babies, no matter what the circumstances were around their arrival.
Please remember your bedside manner, and please remember even with s/b babies, or babies w/ severe defects, they are still very loved and usually their families want memories of them.
I understand that it is an uncomfortable subject, and sometimes parents don't want to see their baby right away...but from what I've seen/learned over the years people who don't do anything to remember them have deep regrets. Often they choose not to see their baby at first, then later they want to, but are too afraid to ask.
With my first baby, I really wanted her handprints and footprints, a photo...something, but I felt like people would think I was morbid if I asked, so I didn't. I have nothing to remember her by and it kills me because I was afraid of what others would think.
With my second baby, I took a photo of his tiny hand on my finger. He was only a 16 weeker, so he was less than desirable to look at, but he was still my baby and I wanted something.
If you can do one thing for a mother, may it be a handprint, a photo...even just a card with her baby's name on it. SOMETHING she can take home from the hospital...it will be a great help. There is NOTHING worse for a mother than to walk into L&D pregnant, and walk out with nothing.
I know many hospitals have 'memory boxes' and such for babies who are stillborn at full or near full term. With my 26 weeker, I got nothing, w/ my 16 weeker, I got less than that, and I thank God I just happened to have my own camera in my purse that day.
Encourage your patients to give their baby a name... Let them know they have the right to bury/cremate their babies..and often funeral homes will do it free or at a reduced rate. Even if they'd rather have the hospital take care of the remains, they can still have a memorial service, plant a garden, buy a tree in the rainforest, adopt a star in the sky...they can do SOMETHING to memorialize their babies.
These are all things I had to find out on my own, and when you're grieving AND recovering from a birth, it stinks when you have to do all the research yourself.
Anyway, if you made it this far thanks for reading, and please remember this next time the unfortunate happens at your hospital.
Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
I still cry hard and quite often about my losses. You never get over them, you just go on.
And to me, the loss of the opportunity to have experienced pregnancy and parenting is a HUGE loss, too. Sometimes we forget that...infertility is so painful and so unrecognized as such by many.
I too thank those willing to share their stories and opinions here. This is a very important and useful thread. Ty NHMommy for starting it!
Do you remember which culture this was? It would be really good to know this for future reference. Thanks.
I don't know which culture that would be, but I do know that some Native Americans (as we have a high Native American population) do NOT want pictures taken of their babies. They believe that the spirit is stolen if a picture is taken. Important to always remember to ask permission regarding photos and if it's ok or what their wishes are.
Also, we use an awesome service available that's called 'Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep'. We call them and they will come take professional photos, if the parents wish to have it done. They do an AMAZING job. They are so so good with the families. http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/
I just found this website tonight and I'm truely amazed by this thread.
I'm also a mother who has had multiple losses.
I had my third pregnancy end in miscarriage at 14 weeks. I didn't get much support on that one, and I think even now I would have liked an u/s photo as some sort of rememberance of that baby.
I had a healthy baby boy after that, then two years later my daughter was stillborn at 30 weeks. She was much smaller than the 'average' 30 week baby. My nurse was wonderful, and she talked to me during the 8 hours I was in labor. She'd pop her head in and say "would you like some company, or do you want me to leave you alone?" As my labor progressed, she'd explain to me what may or may not happen, what the baby may or may not look like. She told me I'd have the choice to look at/hold my baby, and if I didn't want to, they'd do everything as quickly as possible so I wouldn't have to see.
We opted to see and hold our baby. I do have one photo of her (very poor quality, but it's there). They gave us a little packet on grieving, recommended books etc. She did give us advice on what we could do as far as arrangements etc. I was so greatful for that advice b/c I really didn't have a clue, and the thought never entered my mind.
With my second stillborn (a boy this time), I was not as far along (23 weeks), and I was pretty worried I wouldn't get the same choices I got with my daughter just a year before. Labor progressed so fast, I ended up delivering in the ER...but the nurses there were just as great. The let us see/hold our son, and they even asked us what we planned to name him.
Later, the nurse came back to my room, and gave us all our options. Since we had been through this before, we knew we'd do for him what we did for our daughter, and they're buried together in the cemetery near our home.
I did not get any photos of him, but we did get his handprints, so that was at least something, and I am able to visit their graves whenever I can.
Thanks for starting this post, I do think it's important that people know what their options are. I know it helped me to be somewhat prepared.
~Amy
PS
NHMommy, I also go to SHARE meetings, and I think we've met. You can Private message me anytime and we can exchange email addresses if you choose.
(Moderator note: edited out private email address as we do not allow email addresses to be posted here for security purposes)
Yes, I go to SHARE in Manchester, and I do remember talking to you. I'm the one taking classes at the NHTI in Concord, and we talked about being an LNA before joining an RN program. I'm starting nursing classes in Sept, and I'll be fininshing my LNA class in Sept. I hope I can juggle working and school at the same time. I'm not sure how to do a private message, but I'll talk to you tomorrow night if you're going to be there.
Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
TO private message someone, click on the user name. You will get a menu of choices, including the ability to Private Message (PM) them. Let me know if you need further assistance!
Specializes in ENT, Urology, OR, OB/GYN, Med/Surg.
I too lost two babies in early pregnancy, in a remote village of a Latin American country-----in the outhouse, yes outhouse. God enabled the miscarriages (I like that word so much better than abortion) to be complete so a flight into the city was not necessary. Then while still in Latin America, we had a fullterm son who lived only two days. It was not till years later here in the US (when I was working OB), that the "Christmas baby" was born (I always worked 11-7 on Christmas Eve) and was diagnosed with Potter's syndrome. Not knowing what that was, I got a Peds book from the Nursery. I realized then that this is what our son had and it was comforting to know exactly what was his condition. I now know that God brings these difficulties into our lives so we can realistically comfort others. Little did I realize in 1973 that one day I would be back in the US working OB, and finding myself at the bedside of a mother who had a stillborn. One can so much better identify when we have walked through those paths of grief ourselves.
Thanks to all of you for sharing your feelings and opening your hearts to all of us.
Even though I left OB 10 years ago, I still remember the patients that experienced losses of their babies. One aspect that I think needs mentioned is support between the nursing staff for each other as we deal with our feelings.
During my orientation, we had an awful delivery (back in the days of delivery rooms that resembled OR's) and the baby had Trisome 18 (Edward's Syndrome). The mom was bleeding heavily, so they rushed her to the OR upstairs, the entire staff left to care for her, and I was left holding the dying baby with a HR of 36. Fortunately, I remembered what I'd read in the manuel earlier and finished cleaning him up while I cried. (We had tried resusitating him, but the OB doc told us to stop when he recognized what the baby had.) I held him and kept checking his heart until it finally stopped. I had already had my son by then, so I poured my maternal feelings into caring for him in place of his mom, who physically couldn't at the time.
To make a long story short, it was very difficult to deal with on my own and after I had a short cry in the locker room, I tried going back to work. Once I got on my shift of 3-11, we would talk among ourselves about how we took care of these patients and our feelings. We'd discussed what seemed to help the moms and what didn't, share ways to care for them physically, and orient new nurses on what to do for the baby (pics, locks of hair, bracelets, etc.)
Obviously our patients and families come first, but let's not forget to take care of ourselves and our fellow nurses. By doing that, we can become better nurses for all of them.
I guess I am part of the minority on this issue...I had two early miscarriages and was glad that the staff didn't make a fuss. I just wanted to go home, cry, and grieve in my own way. My doctor explained to me that they weren't "viable" pregnancies and there was nothing I could've done to prevent the miscarriage. It helped me feel less guilty. I thought for sure I had done *something* to cause the miscarriage. (I had tripped and fallen a couple of days before.) For me, having momentos would've been difficult. I think asking the patient is better than forcing reminders on them. I could never forget, but I didn't really want someone else providing a reminder. I now have 2 healthy, beautiful girls that I appreciate every minute.
I have experienced the flip side of this conversation. Having a nurse who really crossed the line. I didn't want to hear *she had been through it*. I really wanted to deal with my own grief and didn't need (cheering up). I needed the space and time to go through an actual grieving process. I felt the same way at times - like I had the plague with other nurses. I hope they knew I was hurt and greieving and you just are not up to *making nice* with anyone wanting to tell you their story. Or especially one telling you how you should feel or what you should do.
Now, I realize not every one knows how to deal with certain situations, but if they do the best they can and just simply be a good nurse -- Be attentive to the patient and concerned with the the patient requests it would go best.
I am a Type A person and don't need the same things a Type B (more emotional) person may need.
But as one wrote: pain is pain and loss is loss. Just be a listener
Thank you so much for sharing your heart felt story; it was educational and encouraging. As an OB nurse I often wonder if I am doing "too" much or not enough in delicate situations with perinatal losses. As a former military nurse, I must say that the Army hospitals that I worked at have provided extensive in-services, training, and support for OB staff for dealing with families with perinatal losses. Even with all the training; it seemed to really hit home for me when my older sister's baby girl was born at 38 weeks and went to heaven 13 hours later. (my niece was later diagnosed with a diagphragmatic hernia)After 6 years in OB, my first time grieving (actual tears) in front of a patient and family was most recently. It felt great to allow myself and the family to see me grieve with them. Before this situation, I would only grieve outside the parents room usually alone in the dirty utility room while cleaning up the delivery sets. I felt as if I would not allow myself to feel anything but numb even taking pictures and gathering keepsakes until after I had left the patient's room. I am not sure if it is in the "purple box" bereavement package that staff should actually grieve with patients in front of patients. It felt appropriate at the time. Also, I know of a situation where a patient filed a complaint with the hospitals patient rep. against an OB doc who referred to her 1st trimester fetal loss as "just products of conception" when she referred to the loss as her "baby"; I remind myself that no matter how early the loss in the pregnancy that it was a pregnancy of a baby that represented life, hope, and promise for the family and esp. the mother carrying the baby)
In my opinion... if you work in L&D, and have been through a loss, maybe just a statement like "I have been there, and I understand, so if you want to talk let me know" might be enough to open a doorway for a mother who wants support, and just enough acknowledgement for a mother who doesn't.
Just my opinion of course.
K- (NHMommy, sorry I don't remember your name),
I won't be there tonight, I have class and can't skip so... either pm me, or I'll catch up with you next month.
I think this weeks topic is 'subsequent pregnancies'. I've had subsequent pregnancies, one successful, and one not. I know I'm not quite ready to discuss that, so I'm not too upset that I can't go.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart felt story; it was educational and encouraging. As an OB nurse I often wonder if I am doing "too" much or not enough in delicate situations with perinatal losses. As a former military nurse, I must say that the Army hospitals that I worked at have provided extensive in-services, training, and support for OB staff for dealing with families with perinatal losses. Even with all the training; it seemed to really hit home for me when my older sister's baby girl was born at 38 weeks and went to heaven 13 hours later. (my niece was later diagnosed with a diagphragmatic hernia)After 6 years in OB, my first time grieving (actual tears) in front of a patient and family was most recently. It felt great to allow myself and the family to see me grieve with them. Before this situation, I would only grieve outside the parents room usually alone in the dirty utility room while cleaning up the delivery sets. I felt as if I would not allow myself to feel anything but numb even taking pictures and gathering keepsakes until after I had left the patient's room. I am not sure if it is in the "purple box" bereavement package that staff should actually grieve with patients in front of patients. It felt appropriate at the time. Also, I know of a situation where a patient filed a complaint with the hospitals patient rep. against an OB doc who referred to her 1st trimester fetal loss as "just products of conception" when she referred to the loss as her "baby"; I remind myself that no matter how early the loss in the pregnancy that it was a pregnancy of a baby that represented life, hope, and promise for the family and esp. the mother carrying the baby)
OH, that's a huge pet peeve of mine too. With my 14 week loss, they kept saying "product of conception" in reference to the chromosomal testing we had done. Then they told me it was a boy, so it went from just an object, to a lost son, and a brother to my kids. It just sounds so cold and calus, like your baby is a tumor or something. It is/was a life that you were expecting to love forever. With my stillborn babies, thankfully they refered to them as such, or I would have definitely given someone a piece of my mind!
SmilingBluEyes
20,964 Posts
I still cry hard and quite often about my losses. You never get over them, you just go on.
And to me, the loss of the opportunity to have experienced pregnancy and parenting is a HUGE loss, too. Sometimes we forget that...infertility is so painful and so unrecognized as such by many.
I too thank those willing to share their stories and opinions here. This is a very important and useful thread. Ty NHMommy for starting it!