I'm new to this site, so I apologize if what I write has already been discussed.
I am currently a nursing student, and I hope to work in L&D once I get my degree and get my license.
Anyway... I am a mom to three kids here on earth, and two in heaven.
I had a stillborn baby at 26 weeks (no known cause), and a second trimester miscarriage at 16 weeks (no known cause) where the baby passed lady partslly, and I had a d&c after b/c of the placenta which remained attached.
ANYWAY...I know in both of my experiences the nurses were pretty unsure as to how to treat me. I felt like I had the plague, and no one wanted to talk to me or get near me.
I have since been to many support group meetings for moms with prenatal/neonatal losses, and the bottom line is we all want everyone to acknowledge our babies, no matter what the circumstances were around their arrival.
Please remember your bedside manner, and please remember even with s/b babies, or babies w/ severe defects, they are still very loved and usually their families want memories of them.
I understand that it is an uncomfortable subject, and sometimes parents don't want to see their baby right away...but from what I've seen/learned over the years people who don't do anything to remember them have deep regrets. Often they choose not to see their baby at first, then later they want to, but are too afraid to ask.
With my first baby, I really wanted her handprints and footprints, a photo...something, but I felt like people would think I was morbid if I asked, so I didn't. I have nothing to remember her by and it kills me because I was afraid of what others would think.
With my second baby, I took a photo of his tiny hand on my finger. He was only a 16 weeker, so he was less than desirable to look at, but he was still my baby and I wanted something.
If you can do one thing for a mother, may it be a handprint, a photo...even just a card with her baby's name on it. SOMETHING she can take home from the hospital...it will be a great help. There is NOTHING worse for a mother than to walk into L&D pregnant, and walk out with nothing.
I know many hospitals have 'memory boxes' and such for babies who are stillborn at full or near full term. With my 26 weeker, I got nothing, w/ my 16 weeker, I got less than that, and I thank God I just happened to have my own camera in my purse that day.
Encourage your patients to give their baby a name... Let them know they have the right to bury/cremate their babies..and often funeral homes will do it free or at a reduced rate. Even if they'd rather have the hospital take care of the remains, they can still have a memorial service, plant a garden, buy a tree in the rainforest, adopt a star in the sky...they can do SOMETHING to memorialize their babies.
These are all things I had to find out on my own, and when you're grieving AND recovering from a birth, it stinks when you have to do all the research yourself.
Anyway, if you made it this far thanks for reading, and please remember this next time the unfortunate happens at your hospital.
Thankyou, and thankyou again. With tears in my eyes, and only memories on my heart of Lucas, Lydia, Hannah, Krista, Kyle and Joshua, I thank you. My first son was stillborn at 22 weeks, most likely from Group B strep, and 5 8 week miscarriages from Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome. I have a baby blanket given to me by the Dr. who delivered him, and it was a great comfort to me. I only wish the nurses had given me a footprint to keep. I am so sorry you lost your babies. But so grateful for your advice. I only pray my fellow nurses listen to it, and take their hearts in their hands to carry through with it. Trying to be brave because I was a nurse, I was devasted in my grief and mad that I didn't feel I could ask for what I truly needed, especially for validation that I was a mom without a baby, and I will never, ever, want or need anything, even my own life or breath, as much.
I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry for the way that you were treated by the doctors, by the nurses. Some people are uncomfortable with death. They don't know what to say. They don't say anything for fear of it being wrong.
I have worked labor and delivery for 22 years. I remember my first experience with death. It was a women in her 3rd trimester that was hopitalized with the flu. I took care of her on the pm shift. I came back the next pm and heard in report that her husband had been murdered in their home the night before. I said to my fellow nurses "I can't take care of her tonight, I can't go in there" finally about 7pm I found the courage to go in. When I came in she started to cry and told me "you were in my room last night when I spoke with my husband for the last time". Not a big deal? I think it was to her. That made me realize that no matter what you do, even if it is not a beautiful and comfortable speech, to show you care is the most important. I still cry when a baby dies. When I think about all the pain and loss the family is experiencing, the effect it will have on their marriage, etc.
And... the part of you not wanting to go into labor and delivery because you don't want to get calloused or not care and that you worry about what people think of you if you try to make a difference? Don't let those things stop you from going after your dream! There will always be people who poke fun at others who are trying to make a difference. YOU have to look at yourself in the mirror and know in your gut that you gave it your best. YOU have to have inner standards.
I look forward to you joining us in the field! Labor and delivery is the best!!!!
Thank you for sharing your stories and the feelings that you experienced in each situation. I am currently a nursing student and I have always wanted to be an OB nurse. I have learned a valuable lesson just be reading your posting!! So thank you for sharing and making us aware of how patients can feel in that situation.
This is a very important thread for ER nurses to read. I have dealt with countless fetal demise patients in the ER (at least one per week) and I can't remember us making too much of an effort to offer support to those that have come in with problems, been sent to ultrasound, only to be told they were having a miscarriage. I worked in L&D while in nursing school as a tech and am familiar with the Resolve through Sharing program (which my hospital offers). I did extend this program to one miscarriage patient that delivered at 25 weeks in the ER and brought the baby to our L&D department for photos and to initiate the "Resolve through Sharing" support. As an ER nurse however, I think I only new of this program because I worked on L&D earlier. Many ER nurses may not even know there are grief programs for patients who have had a tubal pregnancy or miscarriage. I guess one problem is that pregnancy problems at less than 20 weeks often go to the ER and not L&D where this information is available. Please pass this on to your ER nurses and maybe allnurses.com could post some of this in the ER forum, because it really is something ER nurses should extend to their OB patients. I am going to make sure I make an effort to inquire with the patient about their support system. One problem is that if the pregnancy is too early, there really is nothing to give the patient, but it may be a good idea to just tell them, "this is a difficult experience and it is important to share your feelings with your family, friends and OB doctor over the next days and weeks. If you have any problems, please call your doctor's office or L&D unit and ask about programs that can help" and maybe give them the number and name of your hospital's program or "Resolve Through Sharing" (which I believe is a national support group), on their ER discharge sheet.
Thanks for your post. I found it very moving and will remember what you have said for ever. Im so sorry about your experiences they should never have happened and you must not feel bad that you didnt ask. The nurses should have been asking you and doing this stuff for you . You had already done so much and gone through so much. My heart goes out to you.
I know that where I work we do keepsake boxes and photos regardless of gestation. We also keep all of these boxes and photos if moms do not want them at time of discharge. We recently had a pt come back 7 years after her loss and we were able to give her the keepsake box and photos. I've never experienced a loss myself, but I do try to do everything that I can to help my pt's. Thank you for your suggestions and thoughts.
When talking about people having strong feelings of grief, sadness years after a pregnancy loss. I thought about an incident recently where the RTS nurse (kind and compassionate, who takes the most beautiful photos- she says something like feet and hands are always beautiful on babies no matter what has happened or the gestation) was showing a new volunteer where the baby blankets for stillborns were kept(blankets are delivered by volunteers or made by them or both) and the other volunteer told about her own stillborn baby and how she had nothing, everything was taken away,taken care of, not talked about. She started crying when the RTS nurse offered her a ring or necklace in remembrance of her baby she had lost maybe 40 years before. She still hasn't grieved for this baby, we didn't know enough to allow her to grieve back then. Amazing how much we have and continue to learn.
When talking about people having strong feelings of grief, sadness years after a pregnancy loss. I thought about an incident recently where the RTS nurse (kind and compassionate, who takes the most beautiful photos- she says something like feet and hands are always beautiful on babies no matter what has happened or the gestation) was showing a new volunteer where the baby blankets for stillborns were kept(blankets are delivered by volunteers or made by them or both) and the other volunteer told about her own stillborn baby and how she had nothing, everything was taken away,taken care of, not talked about. She started crying when the RTS nurse offered her a ring or necklace in remembrance of her baby she had lost maybe 40 years before. She still hasn't grieved for this baby, we didn't know enough to allow her to grieve back then. Amazing how much we have and continue to learn.
You are so right. My grandmother delivered a stillborn baby in her 6th month in 1950. She was telling me the story when I was in highschool after I asked her why she only had three kids (dumb question I soon realized).
She sad "I'll never forget how they laid him on the bed next to me, cleaned me up, wrapped him up then took him away, and I never knew what happened to him".
She had tears in her eyes 35+ years later when telling the story. It's something you never forget, and certainly nothing you ever 'get over'.
Also, when I lost my daughter at 30 weeks a year and a half ago, I got a card in the mail from my friends mother whom I only met once back in the early 90's. It was a very nice gesture, but I thought it was kind of odd coming from someone I barely knew. I called my friend to tell her mother thank you...then I asked why she sent me the card. My friend said when she was telling her mother about me, her mother burst into tears. My friend was pretty perplexed (knowing her mother barely knew me) until she told her that she had a stillborn son in 1965, who was burried in Japan (they were stationed in the military), and it just really hit home when she learned what happened to me. She knew exactly what I was going through, so she felt the need to send a card.
Specializes in Peds Cardiology,Peds Neuro,Pedi ER,PICU, IV Jedi.
Thank you all for your posts and sharing your experiences, I can't imagine how difficult it may have been to lose a child. As mothers and expectant mothers, you share a bond with your child that no man can comprehend fully...my hat's off to all of you.
The information and recommendations you give should be posted on any floor that cares for the expectant mom and the very (very) young.
I want to thank all of you for having the courage to share your stories and a special thanks to the original poster for starting the topic. As a future nurse I want to be as compasionate as possible the loss of a child is never an easy topic. Thanks to all these posts I know that there are multiple resources available. Thank you again and bless you and your angels above.
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wilbur's mom
66 Posts
Thankyou, and thankyou again. With tears in my eyes, and only memories on my heart of Lucas, Lydia, Hannah, Krista, Kyle and Joshua, I thank you. My first son was stillborn at 22 weeks, most likely from Group B strep, and 5 8 week miscarriages from Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome. I have a baby blanket given to me by the Dr. who delivered him, and it was a great comfort to me. I only wish the nurses had given me a footprint to keep. I am so sorry you lost your babies. But so grateful for your advice. I only pray my fellow nurses listen to it, and take their hearts in their hands to carry through with it. Trying to be brave because I was a nurse, I was devasted in my grief and mad that I didn't feel I could ask for what I truly needed, especially for validation that I was a mom without a baby, and I will never, ever, want or need anything, even my own life or breath, as much.