Something all OB nurses should know.

Published

Hi

I'm new to this site, so I apologize if what I write has already been discussed.

I am currently a nursing student, and I hope to work in L&D once I get my degree and get my license.

Anyway... I am a mom to three kids here on earth, and two in heaven.

I had a stillborn baby at 26 weeks (no known cause), and a second trimester miscarriage at 16 weeks (no known cause) where the baby passed lady partslly, and I had a d&c after b/c of the placenta which remained attached.

ANYWAY...I know in both of my experiences the nurses were pretty unsure as to how to treat me. I felt like I had the plague, and no one wanted to talk to me or get near me.

I have since been to many support group meetings for moms with prenatal/neonatal losses, and the bottom line is we all want everyone to acknowledge our babies, no matter what the circumstances were around their arrival.

Please remember your bedside manner, and please remember even with s/b babies, or babies w/ severe defects, they are still very loved and usually their families want memories of them.

I understand that it is an uncomfortable subject, and sometimes parents don't want to see their baby right away...but from what I've seen/learned over the years people who don't do anything to remember them have deep regrets. Often they choose not to see their baby at first, then later they want to, but are too afraid to ask.

With my first baby, I really wanted her handprints and footprints, a photo...something, but I felt like people would think I was morbid if I asked, so I didn't. I have nothing to remember her by and it kills me because I was afraid of what others would think.

With my second baby, I took a photo of his tiny hand on my finger. He was only a 16 weeker, so he was less than desirable to look at, but he was still my baby and I wanted something.

If you can do one thing for a mother, may it be a handprint, a photo...even just a card with her baby's name on it. SOMETHING she can take home from the hospital...it will be a great help. There is NOTHING worse for a mother than to walk into L&D pregnant, and walk out with nothing.

I know many hospitals have 'memory boxes' and such for babies who are stillborn at full or near full term. With my 26 weeker, I got nothing, w/ my 16 weeker, I got less than that, and I thank God I just happened to have my own camera in my purse that day.

Encourage your patients to give their baby a name... Let them know they have the right to bury/cremate their babies..and often funeral homes will do it free or at a reduced rate. Even if they'd rather have the hospital take care of the remains, they can still have a memorial service, plant a garden, buy a tree in the rainforest, adopt a star in the sky...they can do SOMETHING to memorialize their babies.

These are all things I had to find out on my own, and when you're grieving AND recovering from a birth, it stinks when you have to do all the research yourself.

Anyway, if you made it this far thanks for reading, and please remember this next time the unfortunate happens at your hospital.

Thank you.

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Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.

AMEN. Having had some losses myself, I can relate. FORTUNATELY, most L/D nurses are well-versed on how to handle such situations and that is why I believe such patients belong ON L/D units UNLESS they truly elect to go elsewhere (e.g. med-surg). I have my own sad stories to tell....and encouraging ones about how I was treated after my losses, too. Some nurses were amazing and wonderfully compassionate. Others had no clue what to do with me, so I was just the (miscarriage in room 708) that they did their best to leave alone and avoid.

I will keep your words in mind, however as I continue my practice in L/D. I am so sorry for your losses and thank you for rising abovew to say these well-spoken words. Again, Thank you.

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I want to thank you sincerely for your thoughts and feelings you've shared here. Hearing what someone has to say who knows first-hand what it feels like is invaluable. At my hospital we do have the memory boxes, we do footprints and photos and dress the babies up in special little outfits with blankies that are all specially made for babies no matter how small or early they come to us. Lots of parents don't want to see them right away, or say they don't want pictures but they usually do later. We also have a fetal demise committee in attempts to better serve parents who suffer these losses, I will share your thoughts. SG

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Thank you.

I have also had 1st trimester miscarriages in between my kids, so I thought I was well knowledged in the subject of loss until I had my s/b baby, then a subsequent loss (which was in the ER unfortunately). Not long after that, my best friends baby was stillborn at 38 weeks, so I quickly found out I still had/have a lot to learn on the subject.

The only 'positive' thing I'm taking with me from my experiences is when I am a nurse...I will VOLUNTEER to care for the patient who is suffering a loss. Because I have been there more than once, I feel I have greater empathy than someone who has not experienced it.

In a perfect world, no one would ever have to.

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Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.

We should be careful about differentiating among pregnancy losses. Stillbirth is horrible. But so is early miscarriage. As is an ectopic pregnancy loss......

The saddest thing about my miscarriages and ectopics???? the fact there WAS nobody to say "goodbye" to. No lock of hair to keep, no footprints for me to treasure, no one to hold or bury. And no one "out there" in the world even KNEW I lost a child or a dream......it was too early for most to know or understand this. Family members, even, were woefully incapable of reaching out to me or helping me deal with the pain. There was always that line about "trying again" or "at least it was early". POPPYCOCK!

Remember: Loss is loss. And it's all painful. That we acknowledge this as health care providers is so critical, no matter the gestational age or situation. I have had women who sufferered ectopic losses cry when I simply said "I am sorry for your loss". So many treat them as surgical p atients, not moms who lost babies. That is sad. And too common.

Also, please be careful about volunteering for these cases/situations. Do not put too much of yourself/your soul into these or cross that line. It's easy to do, this I know firsthand. It's easy to get yourself reallllllly wrapped up and deep into their pain and loss. Just be aware of your feelings and in a good place personally-----be really able to deal with them as these situations arise. You might be surprised at how hard it can be on you at times. Your heart is in the right place; for that, I salute you.

These are just some things I wanted to add to this discussion, as an experienced L/D nurse and one who has dealt with personal losses from 7 weeks to 16 weeks.......hope you don't mind.

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Specializes in NICU.

(((((HUGS))))) to NHmommy and to Deb, and to those other mommies that have suffered such a tragedy. Thank you for your words and thoughts.

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Specializes in pure and simple psych.
Hi

I'm new to this site, so I apologize if what I write has already been discussed.

I am currently a nursing student, and I hope to work in L&D once I get my degree and get my license.

Anyway... I am a mom to three kids here on earth, and two in heaven.

I had a stillborn baby at 26 weeks (no known cause), and a second trimester miscarriage at 16 weeks (no known cause) where the baby passed lady partslly, and I had a d&c after b/c of the placenta which remained attached.

ANYWAY...I know in both of my experiences the nurses were pretty unsure as to how to treat me. I felt like I had the plague, and no one wanted to talk to me or get near me.

I have since been to many support group meetings for moms with prenatal/neonatal losses, and the bottom line is we all want everyone to acknowledge our babies, no matter what the circumstances were around their arrival.

Please remember your bedside manner, and please remember even with s/b babies, or babies w/ severe defects, they are still very loved and usually their families want memories of them.

I understand that it is an uncomfortable subject, and sometimes parents don't want to see their baby right away...but from what I've seen/learned over the years people who don't do anything to remember them have deep regrets. Often they choose not to see their baby at first, then later they want to, but are too afraid to ask.

With my first baby, I really wanted her handprints and footprints, a photo...something, but I felt like people would think I was morbid if I asked, so I didn't. I have nothing to remember her by and it kills me because I was afraid of what others would think.

With my second baby, I took a photo of his tiny hand on my finger. He was only a 16 weeker, so he was less than desirable to look at, but he was still my baby and I wanted something.

If you can do one thing for a mother, may it be a handprint, a photo...even just a card with her baby's name on it. SOMETHING she can take home from the hospital...it will be a great help. There is NOTHING worse for a mother than to walk into L&D pregnant, and walk out with nothing.

I know many hospitals have 'memory boxes' and such for babies who are stillborn at full or near full term. With my 26 weeker, I got nothing, w/ my 16 weeker, I got less than that, and I thank God I just happened to have my own camera in my purse that day.

Encourage your patients to give their baby a name... Let them know they have the right to bury/cremate their babies..and often funeral homes will do it free or at a reduced rate. Even if they'd rather have the hospital take care of the remains, they can still have a memorial service, plant a garden, buy a tree in the rainforest, adopt a star in the sky...they can do SOMETHING to memorialize their babies.

These are all things I had to find out on my own, and when you're grieving AND recovering from a birth, it stinks when you have to do all the research yourself.

Anyway, if you made it this far thanks for reading, and please remember this next time the unfortunate happens at your hospital.

Thank you.

Brave and beautiful thoughts. Thank you.

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Deb, you are right, and I'm sorry if I made it sound like a earlier loss is 'better'.

Of course a loss is a loss, and sometimes it is harder when no one knows/acknowledges that you ever had a baby, or even the dream of a baby. I know that first hand, and I didn't mean to make it sound less legitimate. My first miscarriage was a blighted ovum. I was 11 weeks pregnant, and I was devistated. Everyone seemed to make light of it b/c there was no 'baby'...but in my head there was, and I had to mourn the sibling that never was for my daughter. No one got that...not even my husband.

I think most women have dreams of pink or blue as soon as the line appears on the HPT...we're not thinking of the blastocyst, zygote or whatever...it's a baby from day one!

Sorry if I was less than clear in my previous post.

As for 'volunteering' ... Thanks for your thoughts on that. I know I'm no where NEAR ready for that now (I also have 2 years of school left and the tests to pass) but I'm hoping when I'm older and wiser, I can be there for someone when no one else is.

Thanks for posting your message.

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One other thing.... NEVER SAY

"it's ok, you can try again"

or

"at least you have other children"

These comments don't amount to a hill of beans when someone is losing the current baby, and all the hopes and dreams that come along w/ a pregnancy.

If your mother passes, it isn't appropriate to say "well, you still have your father". Of course you're greatful to still have the other parent (or child in case of pg/infant loss) but it doesn't lessen the sadness of losing a loved one no matter how long they were a part of your life.

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Specializes in Med-surg; OB/Well baby; pulmonology; RTS.
Hi

I'm new to this site, so I apologize if what I write has already been discussed.

I am currently a nursing student, and I hope to work in L&D once I get my degree and get my license.

Anyway... I am a mom to three kids here on earth, and two in heaven.

I had a stillborn baby at 26 weeks (no known cause), and a second trimester miscarriage at 16 weeks (no known cause) where the baby passed lady partslly, and I had a d&c after b/c of the placenta which remained attached.

ANYWAY...I know in both of my experiences the nurses were pretty unsure as to how to treat me. I felt like I had the plague, and no one wanted to talk to me or get near me.

I have since been to many support group meetings for moms with prenatal/neonatal losses, and the bottom line is we all want everyone to acknowledge our babies, no matter what the circumstances were around their arrival.

Please remember your bedside manner, and please remember even with s/b babies, or babies w/ severe defects, they are still very loved and usually their families want memories of them.

I understand that it is an uncomfortable subject, and sometimes parents don't want to see their baby right away...but from what I've seen/learned over the years people who don't do anything to remember them have deep regrets. Often they choose not to see their baby at first, then later they want to, but are too afraid to ask.

With my first baby, I really wanted her handprints and footprints, a photo...something, but I felt like people would think I was morbid if I asked, so I didn't. I have nothing to remember her by and it kills me because I was afraid of what others would think.

With my second baby, I took a photo of his tiny hand on my finger. He was only a 16 weeker, so he was less than desirable to look at, but he was still my baby and I wanted something.

If you can do one thing for a mother, may it be a handprint, a photo...even just a card with her baby's name on it. SOMETHING she can take home from the hospital...it will be a great help. There is NOTHING worse for a mother than to walk into L&D pregnant, and walk out with nothing.

I know many hospitals have 'memory boxes' and such for babies who are stillborn at full or near full term. With my 26 weeker, I got nothing, w/ my 16 weeker, I got less than that, and I thank God I just happened to have my own camera in my purse that day.

Encourage your patients to give their baby a name... Let them know they have the right to bury/cremate their babies..and often funeral homes will do it free or at a reduced rate. Even if they'd rather have the hospital take care of the remains, they can still have a memorial service, plant a garden, buy a tree in the rainforest, adopt a star in the sky...they can do SOMETHING to memorialize their babies.

These are all things I had to find out on my own, and when you're grieving AND recovering from a birth, it stinks when you have to do all the research yourself.

Anyway, if you made it this far thanks for reading, and please remember this next time the unfortunate happens at your hospital.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry you weren't given more support after the loss of your children.:o I was one of those nurses that didn't know what to say or do except say "I'm sorry for your loss"...until it happened to me. I had 2 losses in the same pregnancy-I miscarried a twin and then my son died at 12 days of age from CHD after being born at 32 weeks.

I'm now involved with RTS (Resolve Through Sharing) which is a support system in our hospital to help parents after they suffer a loss. We give momentoes of some sort to every parent that has a loss, no matter how young or old the baby is at the time. It has been 4 years since my children died and I just this year felt ready to do this.

I think it is wonderful that you want to help other parents who suffer this horrible experience but you do need time to grieve and work through your emotions resulting from your losses.

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Specializes in NA, Stepdown, L&D, Trauma ICU, ER.

With my first baby, I really wanted her handprints and footprints, a photo...something, but I felt like people would think I was morbid if I asked, so I didn't. I have nothing to remember her by and it kills me because I was afraid of what others would think.

With my second baby, I took a photo of his tiny hand on my finger. He was only a 16 weeker, so he was less than desirable to look at, but he was still my baby and I wanted something.

If you can do one thing for a mother, may it be a handprint, a photo...even just a card with her baby's name on it. SOMETHING she can take home from the hospital...it will be a great help. There is NOTHING worse for a mother than to walk into L&D pregnant, and walk out with nothing.

I know many hospitals have 'memory boxes' and such for babies who are stillborn at full or near full term. With my 26 weeker, I got nothing, w/ my 16 weeker, I got less than that, and I thank God I just happened to have my own camera in my purse that day.

At my hospital we do memory box for all losses over 12 weeks, to the best of our ability with the condition of the baby. We do hand and foot prints in plaster, pictures, and a memory certificate. The baby stays with mom for as long as she wants and after she's said goodbye, we give her a "peace bear" so she doesn't have to leave the hospital with empty arms

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I'm so sorry to hear about your twins.

It does help me to know that even though only a short time has passed, you are able to help others who are in a similar situation.

I know for a fact I'm no where near ready for that now...but I hope someday I will be. I'm going to SHARE meetings, and they RN group leader had her s/b baby 17 years ago. She still gets teary talking about it, so I know its something you carry with you forever. I think it's great that your hospital has a program to support ALL mothers. That is wonderful.

Thanks for sharing your story.

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