this is a sad story about my first day as an ed rn.
little history.. i have been an rn since july 07. yes i am sure i look like a deer in headlights most of the time. but i did a short stint on a med/surg floor at large hospital in st. louis, and then my family and i relocated to atlanta.
i landed the job i wanted at an ed. wow... i was so excited to head to work and get the ball rolling. start taking my acls, pals, tncc.... i just couldn't wait.
well, the first day in the ed on the floor was wed, dec 26th. all the usual suspects coming through the door. my preceptor showing me around and trying to keep me involved. i tend to just jump in when i can, taking vs, asking some hx questions, hooking up ekg... just trying to be part of.
8hrs into my 12hr shift, call goes out over head "team a (my team) pediatric code to rm......" what arrives is absolutely heart breaking. a 2y old, cold water drowning......... we, i should say they, worked on this little guy for 50 minutes and finally stopped and let him go. i was absolutely blown away. i had to excuse myself to the rest room and get a grip on my emotions. i have never felt so sad for someone else in my life. i know it's not about me, but i just couldn't ignore what i was feeling fear and sadness,because i have a 2 year old at home. i was just devastated.... and on my first day!
some of us eventually talked about it and what we were feeling and thinking. the rn educator found me and wanted to discuss what i was thinking and feeling. i left that night and did cry on the way home, thinking of that poor baby and his family, what they must be feeling, what next christmas would be like, about them going home and seeing that babies toys from santa.... my god, i still become so upset when i think about them.
i know this will pass, i guess what i need is to know i am normal, that if i didn't feel this way something may be wrong with me. i also wanted to share this in hopes that another person may get something out of this story. i am still excited about heading to work in the morning, but i am very apprehensive i guess. i want to do a good job, i want to be of service to someone else for a change, but i also have to be able to experience my feelings and not just bury them.
Specializes in MedSurg-1yr, MotherBaby-6yrs NICU 4/07.
I work NICU, not ED, but coding a baby is coding a baby. It shouldn't happen but it does. My first code was while I was in orientation, just not my first night. It was on a near term kid with no risk factors for pulmonary hemorrhage, who pulmonary hemorrhaged. It was the most terrible thing I ever witnessed. I was the recorder for the whole event. When the MD finally called the code, I cried. Then I looked around to find we all were, so I felt better. Some of the nurses working that code had 20 + years NICU experience and had coded many babies. You never forget, but it gets easier. I am glad you shared your experience, that will help you heal. Keep your chin up, you will do fine in the ED. The fact that you are cautious but still excited to go to work tomorrow tells me you have already found your niche.
I am so sorry that you experienced this on your first day on the job, but it sounds like you are working in a facility that is good at taking care of their nurses. I worked OB for 5 years and am now in the ER. Have not had a pedi code in the ER yet but have coded several babies or been a part of several still births - IT IS NEVER EASY.
As nurses we have a wonderful opportunity to help the families at one of the most difficult points in their lives. As a PP said, the brother ran up and hugged her out of no where, she made a difference. You will learn to be the one that the families will remember as the one that helped them, the one that really cared. You will make a huge difference and have a great impact on many lives, not just the ones that are saved.
Good luck, stick with it, and take care of yourself.
My 1st code ever was a pedi code. I kept thinking....why does it have to be this pretty baby girl with bows in her hair, why can't my 1st code be a 90 year old that has live their life to the fullest and is ready to die...she's just a baby and this isn't fair.
What made it easier is that every single person in that room cried when it was over, including the doctor who had tears in his eyes as he called it. We had a chaplin there w/in 30 mins. and he was there for us and we had priest for the family. We spent a lot of time that day talking to each other, giving each other hugs and just being supportive. It helped.
I just recently had a death that for some reason was very difficult for me - probably because I've taken care of this gentleman every time he's been in the hospital. It was a peaceful death with family and friends at his side the entire time, but I cried and cried and cried afterwards and even now, I still cry. Guess it's just a friendly reminder that I'm human as well.
Specializes in ER, Occupational Health, Cardiology.
Smokey, I hate it that you had to go through this right off the bat, but let me tell you this-you could have been an ER nurse for 20 years, and those babies will affect you the same way every time. Prepare yourself for the abused ones who don't die-they are almost as bad.
You sound as though you are going to be a good (great?) ER Nurse, and it sounds like the folks around you did what I know to be the usual informal decompression after a traumatic event. You did the right thing by yourself to get away for a few moments to give yourself an immediate chance to recoup.
Don't beat a dead horse (no pun intended) by going on and on about traumatic events, but always talk with someone until you are accepting of what happened. Please note: acknowledging and accepting an event are not the same as saying things happen." It is a way to keep your mind and emotions from flying apart and still be a compassionate person.
Sending some hugs your way. I wish I had something I could add, something that might help... I also think you sound like an incredible nurse and your patients will be lucky to have you.
Thank you ALL for validating my feelings and thoughts. I feel like I am moving through this and coming to terms with what happened to that little man. I still feel sad, and hug my son tighter then ever, but I had a great day at work and almost felt closer to the other staff that where there.
Thanks again for all your support and for helping me feel what I feel.
There are days when I call my daughter on my way home from work and ask for a hug when I come home. She knows that's my cue that I've had something bad, probably a kiddo. Bless her heart ... we sit on the couch and she folds her now-taller-than-me teenage body onto my lap we just snuggle for a while until I feel centered again.
Thought for the day, courtesy of some EMS buddies who helped me deal with some rough stuff ...
"You save the ones you can, in memory of those you can't."
I work in a large PICU and we have children who die/code/etc almost every day. I will always remember the first baby I saw who died and holding her limp body in my hands washing her. I will always remember her face and her parents reactions.
I will also never forget the 2 year old who drowned with her mother in the pool with her....she was brain dead for 2 days before they decided enough was enough....that was the first time I have ever seen a grown man fall to the floor when we told him his baby girl was going to die.
I have seen some very horrible things concerning children. With children it is never fair and they don't deserve these things that happen to them.
Being a nurse is wonderful and heartbreaking. I am also thankful for my children's health and also scared out of my mind some days that something like that could happen to one of mine.
allthingsbright
1,569 Posts
(((HUGS))) I am so sorry that that was your 1st day on the floor!