Sobering first day on the job.....

[KckStrt]

this is a sad story about my first day as an ed rn.

little history.. i have been an rn since july 07. yes i am sure i look like a deer in headlights most of the time. but i did a short stint on a med/surg floor at large hospital in st. louis, and then my family and i relocated to atlanta.

i landed the job i wanted at an ed. wow... i was so excited to head to work and get the ball rolling. start taking my acls, pals, tncc.... i just couldn't wait.

well, the first day in the ed on the floor was wed, dec 26th. all the usual suspects coming through the door. my preceptor showing me around and trying to keep me involved. i tend to just jump in when i can, taking vs, asking some hx questions, hooking up ekg... just trying to be part of.

8hrs into my 12hr shift, call goes out over head "team a (my team) pediatric code to rm......" what arrives is absolutely heart breaking. a 2y old, cold water drowning......... we, i should say they, worked on this little guy for 50 minutes and finally stopped and let him go. i was absolutely blown away. i had to excuse myself to the rest room and get a grip on my emotions. i have never felt so sad for someone else in my life. i know it's not about me, but i just couldn't ignore what i was feeling fear and sadness, because i have a 2 year old at home. i was just devastated.... and on my first day!

some of us eventually talked about it and what we were feeling and thinking. the rn educator found me and wanted to discuss what i was thinking and feeling. i left that night and did cry on the way home, thinking of that poor baby and his family, what they must be feeling, what next christmas would be like, about them going home and seeing that babies toys from santa.... my god, i still become so upset when i think about them.

i know this will pass, i guess what i need is to know i am normal, that if i didn't feel this way something may be wrong with me. i also wanted to share this in hopes that another person may get something out of this story. i am still excited about heading to work in the morning, but i am very apprehensive i guess. i want to do a good job, i want to be of service to someone else for a change, but i also have to be able to experience my feelings and not just bury them.

[RN1980]

hang in there bro...

[biker momma]

Your feelings are normal and show you are human, when you don't feel sad or mad or frustrated at the loss of life then you need to move on. With time it will be easier to deal with but it will probably always hurt. I always cry when we lose a little one and many times will still shed some tears at any loss. One of our ED docs is really great; when we have a pediatric code before he stops the code he goes around the room and asks each of us if we are comfortable stopping. If one person says no then we go another round or two and then ask again. One thing I do is that if it's a child instead of the tech's taking the body to "the cold room" I wrap them in a warm blanket and carry them myself. I always cry as I lay the child down but it gives me peace to know that they were held one last time. Hang in there - your first day was rough but one day you'll have a save and it will all be worth it.

[JBudd, MSN]

I floated to ER one time for a 2yo code, what struck me the hardest at the moment was that tiny little shoe (my own was 2 at the time) just sitting there.

Now I've been ER for 12 years, you cry and go on. I find I relate things to whatever age my own kids are, and thank God a lot for my teens.

Sometimes the hardest crying can come weeks later, let yourself cry when you need to. Its not that we get used to it, or that it gets easier; but coping does get better.

{{{{{hugs************

[bigsyis]

A comment that you made about "somehow feeling closer" to your coworkers...

This is absolutely the truth. You and they will share things that nobody else ever will, and probably NEVER should! It forges friendships, and shows you who has special strengths, and what they are.

You hang in, and take care.

[AnnieOaklyRN, BSN, RN, EMT-P]

hi Kckstrt (and everyone),

I am sorry about your experience, but more sorry for the child and his/her family.

I am also a new RN in the ER (new as an RN in general, graduated May 07), but I had 9 years of EMS expereince to prepare me for some of the terrible things one sees working an ER. I still remember my first pediatric code, which was in the Field, it was a motor vehicle accident and three of the six children in an SUV made for five poeple (there were eight passengers in the vehilce toatal including two adults) were sitting in the rear cargo area, which had no seats and no seatbelts. All three of the children (ages 6, 8, and 11) were ejected from the vehilce, which was traveling between 85-90 MPH on a highway when the driver lost control and the vehicle rolled over. Two of the children were in traumatic arrest on our arrival, and one child, the six year old had agonal respirations and still had a carotid pulse, but she went into arrest soon after they loaded her in the ambulance, all three of them died.

I got angry, I think all of the rescuers had some form of anger towards the two adults in the car, one who made the choise to drive reclessaly and both of whom decided to put young children unbelted in an area of the vehicle made for THINGS, not people. I also had great sadness knowing three inocent lives had been suddenl eneded, needlesly. Like you I shed some tears after my shift, you have too, it is one of the way that your brain must deal with the emotional termoil of seeing a child die, espeically when it could have bee prevented. You also must get past that anger and sadness rather quickly, or learn to hold it in until later, because other patients depend on you to focus your attention on them. An important part of helping professionals deal with this type of tragity is CISD (Critical incident stress debriefing), it is not a counceling session, but rather a group geared activity to help you understand what others saw or did or how they felt and so that others can hear your expereince. This is an effective way to get your feelings out into the open without havign to worry about whta others think, because the "others" you are speaking with have been there. Please, also, as a new RN you may see the "macho" folks who say they don't need CISD or to talk to anyone etc, but please don't follow in their foot steps, we are human, and humans are emotional beings, so do not keep it pent up inside. If CISD is not an option, talk to your preceptor or antoher person about your feelings, especially if you show signs of difficult coping, it is very important.

I would be lying if I said once I went to the CISD, that I never thought about the three girls again. Every healthcare worker, esepcially those working in critical care areas, have a call or a patient that touched them so deeply that they cannot forget. Every few months I think about those girls and their families, and how they are coping, and I also think about what they would be doing now, since they would be a bit older, and what they are missing out on. I was able to turn this negative emotional energy into a positive,as I was given the oppertunity to do some speaches in a communications class, I gave an hour long speach on seat belts and motor vehicle safety using this experience, I can tell you I know that I made a differenece because I could tel by the faces of those in teh audience. I feel this was improtant because I felt like my doing that call served some purpose, if such a bad experience can serve some purpose, I accomplished that and so can you, just by educating the parents of small children whom you discharge.

I appologize for the poor spelling and the long winded post. Yes it is normal for one to feel sad when they are touched by a patient or situation whether work related or not, you are human and always will be, with that comes human emotions. Remember that not all things sad happen in the ER, I delivered a baby just a few weeks ago.... so you never know what your day will be like.

Sweetooth