Sister-in-law dating ex-con

jamangel · Oct 16, 2006

Can i just say this? I think that it's ridiculous to say that one cannot fraternize with excons because 1) not everyone is guilty 2) not everyone is unable to cahnge and 3) if that excon were a close relative like a father, sibling etc. do they really believe that you won't fraternize? No such rules exists here and it's the first I've ever heard of that. Unless you met them while incarcerated.

Now, if your sisterlaw is hell bent on dealing with him that's on her and if you had a great relationship before why let it get in the way. Rejecting her is not going to hurt her more than yourself. The family appears to support her without judgement and you should to. If you don't want to deal with him, then don't and find a tactful way to explain this to him and to her. But please keep the peace it's not worth it. It's her life.

I have a friend doing the same thing but she is a nurse and met him in jail. I don't like it but it's her life and I'm not interested in ending the friendship. She knows how I feel and it need not be beaten into her head.

Just my opinion. By the way, my husband is a ex-con (didn't meet him while working mind you) but he did do something very stupid in his twenties and is a good person and has not returned since (he's 42 now and has been locked once since we've been together for coming to my defense and spent a couple days in and then was cleared). I know that you're saying the guy mentioned is not a good guy but you have to respectfully let sis inlaw live her life.

smk1, LPN · Oct 16, 2006

I don't think the prison can dictate your socialization with family or prospective family members. Now if the real issue is taht you don't want anything to do with him because of other reasons. Just be polite, superficial but stay away from him as much as possible.

Jarnaes · Oct 16, 2006

If you work in corrections you need to let your facility administrator know that one of your family members is dating this person and that you are "forced" to interact with him due to this. If they don't have this on record and if he, for some reason ends up in your facility, your job, reputation and profession is on the line. He can play all kind of games, make up all kinds of stories when he knows personal info about you... Protect yourself.

JentheRN05, RN · Oct 16, 2006

I think you should go to the funeral. Just don't connect with them IF that is your wish. Your school cannot dictate what you do outside of school. You are NOT at a funeral to 'hang out' with an ex-con, you are there to pay your respects. I do not in any way think this should detour you from doing so. If worst comes to worst, explain to your sis-in-law that it is against your schools rules to fraternize with ex-cons and apologize because this is not your choice. It's one that's made for you.

Whatever you do, do NOT not go to the funeral. You should have the right to be there more than this particular individual and you will regret it later if you do not go.

BSNtobe2009 · Oct 16, 2006

If it were me, I would go to the funeral (because funeral homes are a place of business and you will be safe there), but I would stick to your guns on being kissy kissy with your sister-in-law, and snub her boyfriend just as you stated. Don't allow him to control whether or not you pay respects to your friend.

Since this is your sister-in-law, where is your husband in all of this? Has he tried talking to his parents about having this man, who is obviously involved in something shady because of the large amounts of cash, in their home?

I would also do a little research for the protection of your in-laws parents. Don't rely on an ex-con's word of what he was arrested for, have a background check done yourself and get the full list.

Is he on parole or is he just out? How long has it been? I wouldn't trust what he says either. If he is getting 911 called on him and driving on a suspended license, then all of those are parole violations and he could go back to prison. Finding out who the parole officer is, is public information.

I am also very concerned if he is involved in drugs and your sister-in-law ending up in prison herself if she is with him when he gets busted.

BSNtobe2009 · Oct 16, 2006

Can i just say this? I think that it's ridiculous to say that one cannot fraternize with excons because 1) not everyone is guilty 2) not everyone is unable to cahnge and 3) if that excon were a close relative like a father, sibling etc. do they really believe that you won't fraternize? No such rules exists here and it's the first I've ever heard of that. Unless you met them while incarcerated.
Now, if your sisterlaw is hell bent on dealing with him that's on her and if you had a great relationship before why let it get in the way. Rejecting her is not going to hurt her more than yourself. The family appears to support her without judgement and you should to. If you don't want to deal with him, then don't and find a tactful way to explain this to him and to her. But please keep the peace it's not worth it. It's her life.
I have a friend doing the same thing but she is a nurse and met him in jail. I don't like it but it's her life and I'm not interested in ending the friendship. She knows how I feel and it need not be beaten into her head.
Just my opinion. By the way, my husband is a ex-con (didn't meet him while working mind you) but he did do something very stupid in his twenties and is a good person and has not returned since (he's 42 now and has been locked once since we've been together for coming to my defense and spent a couple days in and then was cleared). I know that you're saying the guy mentioned is not a good guy but you have to respectfully let sis inlaw live her life.

Was your husband in prison or was he in jail? I think there is a huge difference between the two. I have several friends who have spent time in the pokey for minor, stupid stuff, but prison? I wouldn't go near someone.

He isn't engaging in lawful behavior if he is abusing alcohol, driving on a suspended license, and causing disturbances to where 911 has to be called: That doesn't sound like someone who was falsely accused, and I don't know of many people that sell green peppers that walk around with large amounts of cash on hand. Something doesn't just smell, it reeks.

Stick to your convictions. Your first instinct is dead on.

NaomieRN · Oct 16, 2006

You are not the one dating the excon, so why should not go to family events? Dont you believe in second chance? Maybe he made a mistake and trying to change his life around. This the craziest think I have ever heard. It is a stupid policy. There are excons everywhere. What about when you at the mall, do you know how many excons you can actually come in contact with?

chelli73 · Oct 16, 2006

Man if I had to observe that rule (not to "entwine" with ex-cons)--I would have to stay away from half my family and leave my neighborhood for good!!!!! I would be very lonely here on the south side of Chicago!!! It sounds to me as if you are reading into that rule a little too much, due to your own pre-conceived notions. You really just don't like the man, and having that rule enforced during your orientation only validates that for you. Try to be as fair to him as you are to the whole situation. If you don't like him personally then just keep a proffessional distance, don't miss funerals and such....

ktwlpn, LPN · Oct 16, 2006

I have a sticky situation going on in my family. My sister-in-law has been dating an ex-con on and off for the past 5-6 months now. I have been avoiding being around him like the plague because during my orientation we were instructed not to entwine with convicted felons on or off duty. I have no desire to do so, but now I am being excluded from family functions because her boyfriend is more important that I (per my father-in-law).

I don't want to have anything to do with him, but he has been kissing up to the rest of the family to the point that my father-in-law is now calling me a bigot for my not wanting to be around this man. I have a funeral to go to tomorrow morning and of course he will be there sucking up to everyone. He never met the person who is being buried tomorrow, and I have known her for 10 years now. He blew up at my husband one time when he inquired how he made his living since he is telling everyone that he makes his money "growing green peppers" and usually has a wad of $100 bills in his pocket.

I could go on and on about this situation, but I would just like the opinion of others as to if I should go to the funeral anyway and just tell him up front that we still are not to socialize, or just keep walking away from him if he comes near. My sister-in-law is one of those hug hug persons, and I don't want to pretend that I like her anymore. The fact that I have known this family for 10 yrs. and been married for 5, quite frankly pisses me off. This new guy who is a CON in every sense of the word is making me the outcast when in fact he is the one who should be standing on the sidelines.

One more thing before I submit and hope that somebody reads this and comments is that he is a very heavy drinker and has had to have 911 called once during one of THE breakups(of which there have been several), because he refused to leave. Oh yes, he is driving with a suspended license too..........and has an outstanding ticket for close to $300 for driving with a suspended license which he has yet to pay even with the wads of money that he has.

Now I will shut up and sign back in tomorrow morning. Thanks for listening, hope I can now get some sleep!

Why let this person chase you away from family functions? Unless of course,he is exactly the reason you have been waiting for..(not slamming you-I have plenty of in- laws that I would rather not spend my holidays with) I don't think this is a conflict for you with work-unless he ends up back there...I'm sure you know that you can not control anyone's actions.Your sis-in-law is going to do what she wants to do and there is nothing anyone can say to stop her.Why don't you "like her any more"? Is it because of this guy?.Out of respect for your husband you have to remain neutral here...But you don't have to play "huggy kissy" with people you really don't like-stiffen up and turn away a few times and they'll get it eventually....You say he is making you the outcast here--You are giving him the power to do so...Take your power back.

NurseAction · Oct 16, 2006

Thank You all for your input. As it turns out, only my sister-in-law showed up without the boyfriend. A relief for me especially after a long emotional day.

A brief comment on the last reply.

I do have my own set of beliefs and they do not include keeping company with this man who by the way, I have never met BUT has a questionable history. Being the daughter of a former Corrections Officer and then working with inmates for about five years now, trust has to be earned and right off the bat this man gives me a bad feeling. My gut instinct and information that the in-laws have given me, tell me to stay away and stay away I will.

Cutting myself out of family functions is no problem. My husband and I have more parties than the entire family combined. Plus, I have missed functions, dinners and such in the past because I had to work. Staying away from a volatile situation is more important to me. My husband is not easily intimidated, but when he had a blow up with his sisters boyfriend, he was shaken. Forgive and forget.....not. Felons are not nice guys, otherwise they would not have been arrested.

ktwlpn, LPN · Oct 16, 2006

[quote=KatCLNC4I do have my own set of beliefs and they do not include keeping company with this man who by the way, I have never met BUT has a questionable history..... Forgive and forget.....not. Felons are not nice guys, otherwise they would not have been arrested. =quote) Maybe you misunderstood-I did not say you have to "keep company" with this man-or be buddy buddy with him. But you would miss the funeral of someone you knew for over 10 yrs because you thought he would be there? That is called giving him the power and that is what you are doing.You are allowing him to manipulate YOU..I am glad you went anyway...I also hope none of your children really get into trouble....