*Sigh* How do I tell my family?

Nurses General Nursing

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I want to be a Navy nurse. I know there is a Military board here, but this is more a general comment. *Sigh*. I was interested in joining the Navy Reserves as a BSN in a year and a half. It seems like a great opportunity and I can't let it go. I can't stop thinking about it. In fact, now I want to join Active Duty. My cousin has been in the Navy for 9 years and he's talking me into it even further. It just seems like such a great opportunity and I know it would make me a better person. The problem comes in that I have six small children (four biological and two foster) and everyone is making me feel bad about even considering going away for a couple of months to OIC. I am trying to let the dream go, but I can't. I just feel drawn to do it, ya know? DH has said I could hire a live-in nanny; it's something we tossed around for some time even before I started on my military kick, but then he'll say, "It's too bad you'll miss so much of your children's lives". Which is true, too. I don't want to miss their lives but it almost doesn't matter that I'll miss a couple of months because I think we will benefit in the long run. What can I do? How do I tell my family that even though I said I didn't really care if I joined or not, the truth is, I really want to?:(

Specializes in Emergency & Trauma/Adult ICU.
Being in the military w/kids is a sacrifice on both sides but this is just one of the important values that they will have the opportunity to learn and, hopefully, appreciate.

Sorry, but in my book there are not many better lessons to impart to a child than those of honor, duty, service and commitment.

:yeahthat:

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Service members and their families make sacrifices to protect the interests of the U.S. Unfortunately someone has to do it

:yeahthat:

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I really dont want to add any negative connotations to people with children joining the military, BUT a woman with 6 children, that would mean 7 dependents for the military to provide for. I wonder IF the military would even consider the OP.I may be all wet here, but I think priorities are a bit mixed up here, teaching children honor and loyalty is fine, but it may be more honorable and loyal to the children to be their MOTHER first.

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Specializes in Pediatrics.

I'm sorry Miss Mab, I don't know how those quotes happened like that. I wasn't quoting you at all. Unfortunately I can't go back an edit...I guess it's time to upgrade my membership. :)

My dearest BlueRidgeHomeRN, (I do love that name, btw) I do not agree that need to get a thicker skin. I did not say that my feelings were hurt, I said that I resented what you said. Resentment has nothing to do with a thick skin, that has to do with interpretation and perspective, which can get skewed when a message is displayed in written form only without the luxury of verbal tones and facial expressions to help convey what we really mean. In that respect, I appreciate that you may have taken my OP to mean that I was going to put everyone else second to myself. In going back to read my post I can see where that I may come off that way. It was not my intention to "sound" that way. In fact, my post was actually meant as a cry for help to find solutions to work around my emotions that I clearly know are a problem since I am a mother. The problem is not whether or not to join the Navy, the problem is finding out how to deal with these serious emotions I have regarding joining WITHOUT hurting and completely disrupting the lives of those I love.

I also said that the nanny would be my husband's aunt who my children are very used to and love very much. Again, a mute point since we have moved on from the original post and I have found a happy medium.

Indeed, seven dependents would be a lot for the military to take on. But it would not be seven, it would be five...IF I had CHOSEN to go the military route. I would not have joined if I still had my foster children. At this point their goal is reunification in January. If they go to TPR we are petitioning for their adoption. I would not join the armed forces or any other venue for that matter that would disrupt the lives of my FC who have had a difficult life thus far. My goal for them is to have as much love and stability as possible because that is what they deserve. That is what every child deserves.

My own children on the other hand, well, they have not had a traumatic upbringing. They have been surrounded by stability, love, affection, positive reinforcement, and a very strong familial grounding since day one.

For the record, sort of as an afterthought because I guess I probably should have mentioned it earlier: My support system far outweighs just my husband. As does most people's. We come from a very close knit family. My father is medically retired and available whenever I need him day or night, my father in law lives around the corner, my mother is a nurse and a great grandmother, also available whenever I need her. My husband's aunt is currently in Long Island but would be here within the day if we asked her to. My husband and I have seven siblings between us that are more than willing and able to pitch in WHENEVER we need them. If I were to DIE today, my children would still be fine, because they would still have soooo many people to care for them and love them including and separate from just daddy. I would not push my responsibilities on anyone else, but it can be said that you have to look at the full picture of what support is before you make a rash decision about the what is considered neglect and what isn't.

I am a good mother now but I wasn't always. I had my children young and I had to learn to be a mother. I had to get taught many things by my husband and family, and I had to use trial and error. The same people who taught me HOW to be a good mother would be the same people in my children's lives whether I was here or not.

Is a mother more valuable than a father? Why is it OK for a father to get deployed and a mother stay behind with children but there is a stigma attached the other way around? I know many men who are better parents than their female counterparts. But I digress.

I am teaching my children what is like to be a mother. I am also teaching them what is like to be daughter, an aunt, a sister, dedicated student, a nurse, and generally a positive contributor to society.

Insomuch that you all think I don't know about military let it also be known that my husband IS an Army Vet. He knows more than I do the requirements of being in the service. As is my father. My brother in law is serving his 19th year in the Marines and my cousin as mentioned earlier is in the Navy.

I don't necessarily agree that priorities are being mixed up. Again this whole thread has demonstrated the realization that there is a real double standard amongst us regarding whom should be the majority caretaker in a family. I understand that. I respect it. I don't feel my character as a mother should be questioned~would it be any less noble for me to have gone to my PA program where I would be in residency for long stretches of time hardly ever seeing my children for 9-10 months out of the year? Or what if I worked full time evenings and only saw my children every other weekend because I was at work when they got home from school and they were asleep when I got home from work? Would I still be neglectful or would I just be doing what I had to do to provide food for my family?

In any event, I wholly apologize for upsetting so many of you. It was not my intention.

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Kiyasmom, your'e not upsetting anyone, I hope I didnt upset YOU.Whatever you decide, I hope it makes you and your wonderful family happy and fulfilled.

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Kiyasmom, your'e not upsetting anyone, I hope I didnt upset YOU.Whatever you decide, I hope it makes you and your wonderful family happy and fulfilled.

I agree - no one is upset.

This subject is fraught with tension though . . I think for the most part it has been handled pretty well. Have any of you gone onto a parenting site and posted? Yikes - now that is flames. :no:

steph

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i never said doing what makes you happy corrolates with being a better parent. i said it will make you a better person/role model. imo, making yourself into a better person makes you a better parent. perhaps you don't agree with that... and that's ok. choosing to have children does mean you should put their needs first when they are small, i agree with that. that doesn't mean that the parent's wants/needs don't count or that the children will be neglected/can't adapt.

i especially agree w/your statement that making yourself a better person makes you a better parent.

there are sahm's that are bored or frustrated to tears.

i would rather see a parent be personally fulfilled than go through the motions just by virtue of 'being there'.

i'm also quite confident there are children who would much rather have the quality of time vs the quantity of time.

i believe the op needs support in making a decision that works best for her/her family. reading the differing opinions here, hopefully, will help her do that. let's keep in mind that every family/situation is different and what works for one family may not work for another.

i read stories about parenting that make my hair stand on edge...

and have to force myself to remember that if it works for that family, more power to them.

someone else addressed raising children w/emphasis on honor, duty, patriotism.

it made me think of someone i know whose child/spouse are both in iraq, w/their child being raised by the grandparents.

while it is something i personally couldn't do, it also comforts me in knowing this person and the family support available in raising this child.

this child is indeed, passionately loved by parents, grandparents and all other family.

in no way, shape or form, do i see this child as being neglected or not having his needs tended to.

if anything, it's a win/win situation, where the child is surrounded in love:

the parents exemplify the core meaning of dedication and honor;

and ea family member is deeply involved in all aspects of everyone's life.

there are just too many inconsistencies and deficits w/child rearing...

and wouldn't pretend that one way is superior to the other.

leslie

eta: i am responding to moople's post, not blueridge's.

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Specializes in Home Care, Hospice, OB.

well, since many of us had our hot buttons pushed...

op--yes, your original post did sound like "i have this fantasy, hubby's busy, the heck with the kids" to me. i see now that this is not what you meant to convey.

like most of you, i see the results of poor parenting every day, but my only absolute is the welfare of kids--not the method or the primary parent. i don't care who is around for the kids, as long as someone is.

my military experience is 20+ years old, but i don't sense that the service has become all that much family (or female) friendly in the interim. [an observation without judgement.] moving, deployments, and now several war zones are not easy on spouses or kids--but kids don't get a vote. my siblings and i still have issues due to being moved around like pawns, even as proud as we are now of our late father.

so, my synopsis is only that i :yeah:our service men and women, just don't want their children to pay the price.

hoo-wah!!

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I haven't time right now to read all the responses--just the first couple--but do you think that you could work for the military in a civilian capacity? At a VA or other facility? You wouldn't have the travel aspect (and that can be good for your family, bad if you were wanting to travel) but you also wouldn't be deployed.

Good luck balancing family and personal dreams.

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Kiyasmom, don't even give it a second thought that some people got their panties in a wad. You asked for opinions, you got them, and you made your decision based on what is best for your family.

You think some of these postings are bad? You should hear the comments I get because we have chosen NOT to have children. You'd think I was a mass murderer or something for choosing not to get pregnant and have babies.

And I still wonder where people think this country would be if men and women weren't willing to make the sacrifice to START our country in 1776, and CONTINUE to protect its interests. Perhaps they think that the military should make them all eunuchs or something?:D Join up and get a free spay or neuter......hmmmmm

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Specializes in Home Care, Hospice, OB.

you think some of these postings are bad? you should hear the comments i get because we have chosen not to have children. you'd think i was a mass murderer or something for choosing not to get pregnant and have babies.

first, why is it anyone's business except you and your husband??

secondly, i applaud your thoughtful decsion. not everyone wants kids, and recognizing that this is not your chosen priority is a clearheaded and intelligent choice.

i only wish more people would realize the that they are not interested in the enormous responsibility that comes with parenthood before they have already popped out a couple of children!! :banghead:

appreciate your insight!:bow:

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