Should I go to a funeral or funeral home?

rn/writer, RN · Jul 22, 2007

This isn't a question that lends itself to a "should" or a "shouldn't" kind of decision. Either of those implies adhering to a set of rules that doesn't really exist except in your own mind and spirit.

Based on that, I can't give you an answer, but I can pose some questions for you to ask yourself.

How well did you know the person? How long did you care for them? Was there a special bond with the patient or family members that gives you a desire to be with them and say goodbye? Do you want to comfort or be comforted (nothing wrong with either, but it's good to strike a balance)?

Do you have any personal reservations about wakes or funerals that holds you back? What experiences have you had with death and how does that affect your decision?

Are there other ways of expressing your sentiments that might offer a better fit--writing a letter, adding a personal note to a card, making a small memorial donation to the family or a cause you think would be appropriate.

If you think you might go, there is often a choice between attending a wake (which may or may not include a viewing) and a service. Many times, a viewing or visitation (closed casket) is schedule for several hours before any kind of service. This allows people to pay their respects and leave before the actual ceremony begins. This is a good option for those who feel uncomfortable with the religious aspects of a service or who feel this part of the occasion is best reserved for those closer to the deceased person. On the other hand, there is no ettiquette-related reason why you should feel you have to leave if you don't want to.

The most important questions for you to ask yourself are these. What is it that you want to do? What would you like to communicate to the family and how do you best think you can accomplish that? How would your presence affect the familiy?

Whether you attend in a formal way or not, it rarely goes amiss to write a heartfelt note expressing any kind thoughts you had about their loved one and how you were affected by knowing him/her and the other family members you came in contact with. But do this only if you have something positive to say.

Depending on the type of unit you work on, you also might want to consider the precedent you will be establishing. If you expect that this kind of situation will come up regularly, give some thought to how much you have to give in this area. It could be difficult to pull back if you over-commit now.

All of that being said, this is really a choice only you can make. Don't go only by what you feel, but also by what you know, what you hope for, and what you believe. Listen to that small inner voice that speaks truth to you. Pray about your decision, if you are so inclined. Think about what you might tell someone else who asked what they should do. Then honor your patient in the way that you decide is best.

I wish you wisdom and a good result.

brwneyegal · Jul 22, 2007

I did go to a funeral for a long time pt a few years ago. There have been several I would have liked to go to, but did not.

If you feel you want to go then you should go.

puggymae · Jul 22, 2007

If I was especially close to the patient and the family then I go to the funeral home/funeral. Sometimes I need closure too.

pagandeva2000, LPN · Jul 22, 2007

As stated by paulla, do what is right for you. I see nothing wrong with going. I attended one funeral for a client that I felt very close to. I cried like a baby, and needed to say goodbye. It means a great deal to most families, also when the staff that cared for their loved one felt so moved that they arrived for the services. Go right ahead if this feels right to you.

AliRae · Jul 22, 2007

I'm not sure of protocol.

There isn't really any protocol to this thing. Others have already said, and I echo- do whatever feels right for you. At the end of the day, you don't have to answer to anyone else for your actions in this situation.

I recently read an article in a nursing mag about professional boundaries. Now, I'm sure the writers of that one would say that we stomp all over boundaries by going to funerals, but I personally couldn't give 2 hoots. Maybe it's different because I work in pediatrics, but I fall in love with my kiddos on a daily basis. We all do. We call on days off to check in on them. We come in on days off to be with families during hard times. We call each other to pass on news of deaths. And yes, we go to funerals. I remember one at the beginning of the year (subject of some rather extensive posting on my part, since this kiddo was especially dear to me) where we, the hospital staff (nurses, docs, and even a dietician! outnumbered the family at the graveside.

I got into nursing with the personal understanding that I was going to give my heart over and over again. And if that means I attend a few more funerals than the average bear, then that's how it's going to have to be. =)

scoobysnx · Dec 4, 2008

I personally go whenever I am able. I work in hospice and develop a relationship with the family. Often they appreciate the support through the final service.

I say go if it feels right to you.

uscstu4lfe · Dec 4, 2008

I personally do not go. For me, work needs to stay at work. But do what feels right to you. My grandfather was in the ICU for 6 months and when he died, several of his nurses showed up at his funeral. The nurses became so close to our family that we exchanged holiday gifts and cards and what not.