Share Your Funniest Patient Stories...

SaraO'Hara · Mar 10, 2006

My mum, who works in LTC, told me this one.

A few days ago, one of the female residents, who tends to be fractious and irritable, starting whining that nobody loved her and the staff all wanted to kill her. Mum took her to the back lobby (the "not much aware" residents are back there). One old man (who flirts with anything on two legs, Mum included), told her "Come here, honey! I'll love you!"

Old lady: "But do you have a nice house?"

Old man: "I can buy you a house!"

Old lady: "Then I'll love you. *raises skirt and flashes Depends at old man*"

Old man: "Show me more, girl!"

Apparently now they can't get enough of each other

Beth's granddaughter · Mar 12, 2006

Back in my LPN days I worked at a long term care facility. As I walked by a table of ladies in the dining room, one of them stopped me. She asked me to turn around slowly, look this way, hold my arms that way, walk a few steps to the left... I was puzzled but complied. Then she said, "OK, dear, you may come back at 2 for the finals. I am one of the judges in this beauty contest, you know..."

You can guess that I floated through the rest of my shift - I felt beautiful!:balloons:

oxyjen · Mar 13, 2006

Well, I heard a cute one in report Friday. Night nurse gave report on cute Mr Jones, who had been A&O in the hospital before being transferred to LTC. She said he had been confused all night. Several times he had been trying to get out of bed. Finally he was found standing in the door way to his bathroom. He had been incontinent of stool and when found was urinating on the floor. The NA said to him, why don't you turn around and go in the toilet?" He replied "I CAN'T do two things at ONCE!".

He was returned to bed and Betty NA was in and out of his room the rest of the night trying to keep a close eye. In the morning he said to the staff "Boy, that aide from last night, named Betty? Shes a real nervous person, isn't she!"

**NickiLaughs, ADN, BSN, RN** · Mar 13, 2006

Allright, I got one. I work on an Alzheimers unit, and right now census is low so Marketing has been pulling people in for tours a lot. On this particular shift, the secretary was giving a tour and forgot to mention to a family that this was the Alzheimer's unit. They all walk in the door to see a man laying on the floor attempting to swim. He looked up at them and said, "isn't the water gorgeous? Come join me!" And continued to do the breaststroke on the carpet. Oddly enough, the family decided not to put grandpa in the facility.

lpnstudentin2010, LPN · Mar 18, 2006

southern RN said:

I had an old alcoholic man one night with lots of tattoos, across each butt cheek he had one word "the end ". I was also told by other staff he had a tattoo on his manhood, I made it my goal for the night to NOT know what that tattoo was! I sure hope ever who his tattoo artist was, he was well paid

One of my friends ex's borrowed a tatoo, I guess you call it a, pen. and tatooed his own man hood. one day she was at the mall (after they had broken up) and he told her he had done this and offered to show her right there (he even started to unzip his pants right there in the hall way)

jkais038 · Mar 21, 2006

On my first day as a student in an ED I was helping an elderly lady (not at all confused or physically impeded) up from the commode. She said something I didn't catch and I asked her to repeat it. She proceeded to shout "I said my rectum is itchy. Can you give it a little dig?"

I politely declined and handed her the toilet paper!

LoriAlabamaRN · Mar 21, 2006

At the physical rehab inpatient center I used to work at, we had a post-brain injury patient I'll call "Bill." Now, anyone who has ever taken care of a TBI knows they go through a sexually inappropriate phase. Well, Bill was there. I was charting, and had him at the nurse's station in his wheelchair so I could keep my eye on him (that day he had called 911 from his room and stated he was being held as a sex slave). Anyhoo, a sweet elderly patient's sweet elderly wife was visiting him after church that day (this was a Sunday) with their 2 year old grandson. The 2yo was in a suit and tie, just as adorable as anything you've ever seen. The 2yo had gotten feisty, so Grandma put him in Grandpa's empty wheelchair and rolled him out into the hall, right in front of where Bill and I were sitting. I said "Aawww, look at the little gentleman." Grandma smiled and said, "How do you like my new boyfriend?" and smiled at the 2yo. Bill pipes up loudly with "Yes ma'am, that's the way I like 'em, young, dumb, and full of c*m!!!" :eek: :imbar :stone (hey at least he rhymed.) I know I turned beet red- I was sooo embarrassed. Grandma quietly but quickly spun the wheelchair with the kid in it back around, reentered Grandpa's room, and closed the door.

Soooooo embarrassing. (Funny now though!!!)

Lori

ansley · Mar 22, 2006

I once took over for a nurse who reported that our patient had a R mastectomy- on further inspection it turned out the right breast was actually tucked behind her back!

ansley · Mar 22, 2006

this is really to funny- and too real!!

123456yy · Mar 22, 2006

We had a trauma come in that had been struck by a car while running across the street fleeing the police. We got him in the trauma room, and were in the process of cutting off his pants, when someone said "Oh my god.". The whole room went still. The man had a deli sandwich stuffed down the front of his briefs! One of the other nurses picked up the sandwich, turned to the police officer that had come in with the patient and asked, "Do you need this for evidence?".

PeachPie · Apr 1, 2006

While working in LTC, I asked a confused old lady if she needed anything. Her answer was, "I need a man!" Her daughter was there, and we laughed until we cried. This lady's latest darned sayings were one of the highlights of the job.

littlejo · Apr 6, 2006

doing our first level clinical on a dementia unit as a nursing student, we were instructed to determine orientation of the patient... we introduced ourselves to the gentleman dressed in nothing more than a hospital gown, sitting in his wheelchair and asked if he knew his name and he responded appropriately... the instructor asked if he knew his gender and he asked, "Why don't you take a look and find out?" we could NOT get out of that room fast enough to laugh out of ear shot!