Selfish family?Student Mothers please read!

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I recently helped my mother in law sign up for classes at our local JC. She is in her early 40's and has never been to college. She wants to become a nurse also. She is very smart (taking all honors classes and getting A's) but just needed my help getting acclimated to the whole college registration thing. Since I already graduated with my ASD I know all the ins and outs.

Any-who, she is mother of 13 children. Not all still living at home: one 21yrs, one 18yrs, one 16yrs, one 15yrs, one 12yrs, one 10yrs, one 8yrs, and two 3yr old twins. The 21yr old, and two older children that are already out of the house (one including my husband) are upset and want her to quit school. They think that because she is spending some much time with school that she is not taking her responsibilities as a parent and is making others that are at home do them for her. (My husband mentioned something along the lines of his mother should just quit school and do her job as a parent) I am not sure how valid their arguments are. This is why: I understand that school is very hard and requires some sacrifices (when I was applying to the nursing program I was told that you better inform your family now that there will be some nights when cereal is all that will be for dinner). Being in the nursing program has resulted in my own absence so I am unable to observe the accusations myself. However, I know that my MIL has never worked and has been a stay at home mom up until now. She even home schooled all of the children until the twins were born and still home schools the 10yr old. I feel as though her family is being selfish now that she is trying to do something for herself (she wants to become a nurse so she can go to 3rd world countries and give people medical care), and due to the fact that they have never experience anything else...change is hard, especially one so big. I want to support her because, although I am not a mother myself, I know how hard school can be aside from everyday life. But what ever I say in her defense seems to fall on deaf ears.

What do you think?

I support a woman's right to follow her dream no matter how young her children are (as long as she's made arrangements for them to be looked after well). Personally, I found out I was pregnant when I was accepted to school so I put it off for two years and I'm happy I got to have those two years at home with my youngest and I'm happy I went back when I did. Many authorities believe that by three the majority of children are ready for preschool.

wow. i'm stunned by some of the comments on this thread!!

I am a married mother of 2 kids (ages 5 and 6) and I started nursing school back in the Fall of 2004 (kids were 3 and 4!!). I had some family members call me selfish for wanting to go because I was supposed to "stay home and raise the kids", but I looked at the bigger picture. When I graduate I will be able to PROVIDE for my family. Not to mention I will be a happier person! Isnt there a saying..."if momma aint happy, aint no one happy!!"

Here I am 2 years later and we are doing just fine. everyone is so supportive of me now. They see how dedicated I am and how much I want this. My kids and I do our "homework" together too! lol Yes, there are sacrifices, but I am also teaching my children how important an education is! My daughter learned to read because of me going back to school! (she wants to learn what mommy's learning!)

anyway, as far as your MIL wanting to help out in 3rd world countries, well, that may not be realistic for right now, but geez, by the time she finishes school anyway her family will be older and it would be a possibility! I myself am very interested in this too (Doctors without Borders). I realize that there are very real dangers out there, but honestly, there are very real dangers anywhere! Any one of us could get shot or hit by a car tomorrow. Thats todays reality. I'm not going to let other peoples fears deter me from making my dreams come true.

Bottom line, support her. Even if everyone else is against it, support her. Just having one soul on her side will help.

Wish her luck for me!!

I agree with jov....the older children did not sign on to be young parents. I have a girlfriend who is the second in a family of six. She got pregnant her senior year. Reason? "If I'm going to raise children, they might as well be my own!!" (from the mind of a 17 year old...). She remained married and had four more children and was mom to all of them - no outside work from the home. 13 children is a HUGE responsibility - one that I am sure was thought about before doing (I hope?). Seven more years won't hurt to wait - children grow too fast and are always at a crucial age, no matter what it is. Perhaps Mom can take one class a semester working toward her goal - there are always a lot of pre-req classes to get out of the way. Mom to chilodren is an important job - Mom to THIRTEEN children is huge. Good luck to you - btw, I was in my 40's before I went back to school as well. You're never "too old". Also - third world country???? UMMMMMMMMM, I'd have to think about that one. You have plenty of people here who live in the same conditions as a third world country, thay need volunteer help - perhaps you can even help them in some way now and include your children for the learning experience.

PyroLady,

If this mother's dream is to help a third world country who are we to question it? Everyone has a different calling, and obviously, she feels strongly about it.

She is obviously not you (or any of us), and we are in NO place to place judgement on such a woman.

There is so much more to the story than even her Daughter-in-law knows, I'm sure.

I am still on the page of, GO FOR IT! Of course, without the support of her family, it will be even harder, but she can do it if she puts enough into it!

Why WOULDN'T someone want to help people in third world countries? They really, really, really need help!

Specializes in Maternal - Child Health.
Why WOULDN'T someone want to help people in third world countries? They really, really, really need help!

OK, so why aren't you there?

Of course there is a great need for humanitarian aid in third world countries, but many people believe that their primary responsibility is to the children they have brought into the world themselves. I greatly admire 2 friends who served as missionaries in Africa. They did so in their early 20's, before having any family responsibilities of their own. I also know of several "empty nesters" who have found similar fulfillment in missionary work now that their own children are independent. But when one is responsible for the upbringing of very young dependent children it may be prudent to find safer ways to serve humanity.

One of the missionaries I mentioned above died at the age of 20 in Nigeria, of kidney failure secondary to malaria. Thankfully, she did not leave any young children behind.

I have to say that I am a little shocked at some of the negative comments on this subject. Nursing is all about not passing judgement and yet many posters have done just that, from the number of children this woman has to her dream of working in a third world country.

As far as going back to school with children, when I decided to apply to nursing school, I had two children of my own who were 12 and 9 at the time. I was also in the process of applying for permanent custody of my twin 4 year old nieces. I was granted custody six weeks before I started nursing school. Many people thought that I was crazy, selfish and should wait to go back to school since I would now be raising four children instead of two. I decided to follow my dream and finish school. It was the best decision I could have made, not only for me but for all four kids. It was not easy, there were compromises that had to be made. My children learned that the things that you want the most in life have to be worked for; no one is going to hand you your dreams, you have to make them happen.

OP: I wish your MIL all the best and may her dream of nursing school become her reality. Keep the faith, it will be worth the struggle!

I don't think anyone would argue that a mother should abandon her children to be a nurse in a third world country. However, it's not an either/or proposition. There are plenty of opportunities to make limited committments (2 weeks ) when the youngest children are ready for a separation of that length (perhaps 7 years old). And there are plenty of third world countries where one can volunteer and visit and not be endangering oneself significantly.

When I have children...

going to nursing school with little kids still at home is easy

going to nursing school with little kids still at home and NO REGRETS is the tricky part

LOL seeing ALOT of postings from under 25 year olds about parenting advice

reminds me of when I was that age...

:roll

Specializes in Ante-Intra-Postpartum, Post Gyne.
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I noticed you said that you weren't around her house much recently because you are in nursing school. It also sounds like you don't currently have children. Try imaging doing all that you do and then add as many children as she has living at home. I've done school both without and with my daughter and it is entirely different.

No, I understand that I DON'T understand. I want to bow down and say "aw sabadaba" to all the mothers going to school. How do you do it? But this is why I am asking. I am an only child, and although my mom has a teaching degree and went back to school to get her paralegal degree when I was about 12, and due to the fact I that DON'T have children I ask....(which is why I posted). I want to defend her because this is the happiest I have ever seen her since her son died of a horrible accident four years ago. I was there when they turned the machines off and I can not describe how I felt and I am sure if felt 1,000 times worse for her. She gets excited when I do have the chance to go by the house, she says stuff like "I got an A on that speech I gave that I was telling you about. She calls and tells me about her Psych teacher that I also had. She use to tell her friends that she was vicariously living out her dreams through me (because I plan on becoming a midwife, something that she use to always want to do) and now that she is working for something for herself (she wants to become an FNP) I can not help but want to support her because I know how hard it was for me to convince my husband to let me go back to school and we do not even have kids. Because I see her smiling again, because she always has "something" to tell me about school and I have something to share in return. Because I watched her cry in front of her family for lack of support saying that she would think that they would be happy that she is doing so well in school. Don't they notice that she is smiling? It makes me want to cry.

Specializes in Lactation Ed, Pp, MS, Hospice, Agency.

Yes Virginia, there is much Honor in Raising your own family!

-This has got to be the biggest Hatfields & McCoys feud I have read on this board!!!

I can see both sides of this. Maybe it might help if I told you my experience.

I went back to school when our youngest was 8yrs.

I realized my dream of one day becoming a CNM when I gave birth to baby #2 (I was 20, married at 18). I waited 13 years to go. Because my job (that I willing chose) was being mom.

FF: I finished 3m ago w/my BSN. What do I have now? A 15y/o daughter who is bulimic & a marriage that is shakey (at best).

Through my 8yrs to fulfill my "dream" I dealt with:

-DH having an MI at 39 (& 3-5 other surgeries), {I personally had 3 surgeries}

-Our DD went from a moderate to severe asthma (now well-controlled with 2yrs of allergy shots & 3 meds).

-Our 2nd son (#2 child) nearly didn't get his HS diploma (took him 2.5 extra yrs), hung out w/the wrong people & spent 10days in jail & 4m on house arrest (for being in the back seat of a car of someone that decided to stupidly shoot a bicyclist with a paintball gun). Got mono 5yrs ago & ended up with it for 9-18m (EB virus hung out) and chronic fatigue b/c of it.

- Lastly our oldest became severely depressed & nearly attempted suicide.

This is only a fraction of what I have dealt with. Granted, some of it wasn't my fault. But, a lot of it could have been avoided had I been around. I know kids screw up even when mom is watching (i.e. : my niece got preg at 16y & my sis has been a SAHM for years). But why make life any harder then it has to be!

{BTW: I would give nearly ANYTHING to have 2 beautiful 3 y/o twins}

The +++ of my going to school: our DD wants to go to college (but blames me for neglecting her all these yrs). She's homeschooling now. HS wasn't a good experience for her. If I weren't so WRAPPED up in school I would have followed my mothering instincts & went to talk to her counselor b4 it got so bad.

BTW my best friend is 52 & just graduated with me!

Mom can take a class or 2 a semester & still get her "me time." I wonder... did her & DH talk about how they would be able to meet the house & family needs when she is out? I almost didn't accept my NS placement b/c I HAD to have my DH's moral support. I'm glad your MIL has you to lean on.

Families have got to come first.. this I know everyone can agree on!

And now that all is said & done... If I had it to do over again, I would have waited or gone PT to school. My DD life is worth more to me then any degree. And if my marriage to my DH comes to an end b/c of school: it would support me finacially, but emotionally my hubby is the other part of my heart.

I guess what your MIL needs to ask herself: "Is possibly losing my hubby &/or kids worth this to me?"

Let the flaming continue... (I know I'm gonna hear about this one!)

Praise & prayer for your MIL: no matter what she decides!

~MJ

Specializes in Lactation Ed, Pp, MS, Hospice, Agency.

Question: why do people have children (& go through a lot to have them)& expect others to raise them? I will never understand why a 2 parent family can't find a way for 1 parent to be a SAHM (Stay-at-Home-Mom) at least while the child is under the age of 5 (school aged). And then be at home when they return home from school! I have had to do this!

Our children are in our lives for only so long & they didn't ask to be born into this. I always tell my DD how sad it is that her 15y/o friend gets no summer vacation, no alone time after school & mom is always gone at work. Dad is running his own business. She, is raising her siblings. Her folks have even gone so far as to make her come home from a camping trip: just so she can watch them. {And this is from a Mormon family I might add... not like any Mormon family I have ever seen!} I feel so badly for this girl!

Call me old-fashioned but mom is the glue that binds the family.

~MJ

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