After several weeks of leaving work depressed I am finally asking for advice here. What do you do when family members talk down to you? I am so discouraged that I am seriously considering a change in profession. I guess when I say "talk down" I am putting it lightly. I should say: scream, curse, bad mouth, yell and otherwise expect you to be the Walmart Service Desk. I am a strong person, I can take up for myself. I have no problem referring the person to the proper management personel that can take the service requests better then me due to their inflated salary and nice office chairs. But the treatment I have been recieving hurts. I guess I went into this profession because I have compassion for others, understand their downfalls and want to help make it better. Is it just me or has the generations changed in their ways of thinking? When I first started in Nursing as a CNA the pts, and family members were appreciative. Now very few are ever appreciative. If staff answers their call in 3 minutes it should have been 1. I blame some on management, for always promising the best when they know they cannot always provide the best 100% of the time. But are people becoming more rude then ever? How do you stand up for yourself in a professional way? I have thought that maybe it is just me, but I got to talking with other staff who say that they to have been insulted personally and professionally and do not really know how to respond. I know that part of the problem is the fact that we are also short staffed, and family members do not know that their anger directed towards me is useless and ineffective since I cannot fix the situation, but that doesn't make me feel any better!
After several weeks of leaving work depressed I am finally asking for advice here. What do you do when family members talk down to you?
I tell them "I understand that you are upset, angry, hurt, or whatever applies, but please don't take it out on me. I am doing my best for your whatever". We can talk if that would help.
Seems to bring them down a notch or two. If it doesn't I go to my charge nurse or nurse manager.
I have been on both sides of this fence, my son died last month after a lengthy illness, rare illness. Please try to remember one thing, families feel powerless over their loved ones state of health.
There is nothing that they can do but try to insure that the patient is getting the best. Try to engage in a conversation with the family, become an outlet to them, and maybe you will see a difference in their behavior. Anger is depression turned inside. Be Blessed. It is not personal.
I'm sorry about your loss. I know that it's difficult to lose one's child.
I do have to disagree about the nurse being the "outlet" for the family. There are counselors available to families for stressful times, such as yours.
Unfortunately, in this time of managed care and high patient ratio's, there isn't the time to become the family's personal therapist. I have on more than one occasion offered to get a counselor, pastor, etc., when the family's behavior became abusive . I want the family to know if no uncertain terms that I 'm there to take care of the patient to the best of my ability, but I 'll wll not allow them to use me as "verbal punching bag".
Our hospital is a new building w/ doctors office's on one side and hospital on other-with a huge airy "mall" separating the two. It is truly beautiful, looks like it belongs in a magazine. There in lies the problem. The families and patients comment on the "hotel-like" atmosphere and expect "hotel" service! One of the surgeon's said a visitor ask him where the concierge desk was.
I stopped in to check on on of my (ambulatory) patients. He had a visitor in the room. When I asked if he needed anything (meaning pain medicine, etc.) he said he and his visitor would like 2 cups of fresh coffee. I was thinking "Do you want fries with that?" or "Gee, you can't have coffee now, it's time for me to do your aromathearapy." Bitting my tongue, I graciously directed the visitor to the coffee pot. I mean, it's one thing to get my patient a cup of coffee if they are bedridden, BUT I'm not a waitress (been there done that!!)
I work ER - as well as ICU and I have had horribly rude people to deal with. My first action is always to listen to their complaints. If they have problems that I can fix, I do it. I always start my shift by telling my patients who I am and how they can contact me. I give them realistic expectations. I have no problem letting them know that I have 5, 10 or whatever the number it is, patients. I tell them they'll be in the ER a minimum of 4-6 hours once they've gotten to a room (depending on their problem). I tell them that if I have a critical patient, it may take me longer to get back to them. Then I make them as comfortable as possible and check on them as frequently as I can & keep them updated frequently.
I've been an RN for 23 years and I can honestly say that the good people outway the bad. I've told more than one patient, family member, doctor ect. that "the way you are behaving is unacceptable" but most of the people I care for are wonderful. I did have one patient and family try to have me fired in the ER. The patient's RN refused to answer the call bell because the patient was a "problem" so I answered it. She wanted more pain medication. The RN said no and refused to tell her. So I went back and talked to her. Next thing I know the CEO was there and the patient and family members said I had told her to f... o... Before they could leave one of my patients yelled out to the CEO and told him exactly what I had actually said to her and saved my job. Some people are just nasty. Thank God for my lovely patient who (after having a D&C in the ER!) jumped up to speak up for me. Just goes to show you, some people have such deep emotional problems that everyone they speak to is going to be a victim in some way. Don't let it get you down. Focus on the people who have been kind & respectful to you and try to help the rest. That one nasty patient was horrible but then there's the patient's and families who have told off doctors & other Nurses if they felt I have been spoken to rudely or have gotten me coffee or have snuck $50 in my pocket or sent me gifts or wrote letters of appreciation to Management - in the ER no less! I've had families scream at me for what others had or had not done for them only to have them leave happy and extremely apologetic. Most people really are good. Try to remember that. I also keep all my letters and cards from patients and families and look at them when I wonder why I keep doing this job.
I agree that some patients and their families act angerly when they are just terribly stressed however it's usually easy to separate them from the just plan ornery types. I've worked in neuro med-surg and am now in the ER and have been called everything in the book, usually be family members.
Do you notice how the "big manly" fellow who is willing to get right up in your face with threats backs right down to mr congenilality as soon as security arrives? I've even had patients do the old "hey I'm a good old guy that nurse just couldn't take a joke" to security after he'd just finished explaining to me what was going to happen to me if I persisted in telling him he was discharged.
I am not good at handling rude obnoxious people. I just state I don't need to listen to that kind of talk and will return with security, luckily our security are excellent men and women and very supportive.
i have been on both sides of this fence, my son died last month after a lengthy illness, rare illness. please try to remember one thing, families feel powerless over their loved ones state of health.
there is nothing that they can do but try to insure that the patient is getting the best. try to engage in a conversation with the family, become an outlet to them, and maybe you will see a difference in their behavior. anger is depression turned inside. be blessed. it is not personal.
mary, i am so sorry for your loss. honestly, i thank god whenever i get a chance for having a healthy child, as i see very sick children every day. and i see parents, who were 'just like me' until their world came tumbling down (after a diagnosis). in between work, and school, and sleep, i cherish every moment i spend with my daughter (even when she drives me crazy!!!)
i have a friend (ex co-worker), whose son is a cancer survivor. every time i encounter a 'difficult parent' situation, i ask for her advice. as a nurse and a parent, she often has valuable advice for me, and assures me that it's not me that they're mad at, it's the situation.
I dont have much to add that hasnt already been said here. I too work in LTC and the CNA's are given large cash and check gifts (that I *dont* know about yea, right) and even the facility I work at passes up the nurses for any in-house rewards for excellent care, showering the CNA's with monthly prizes and such for the #1. Now, Im not in this field because I was to be showered with praise and presents. I love taking care of people. But ya know, it hurts sometimes, to sit there and take the brunt of a family members abuse until they feel better having made another person feel like feces, just to have them turn around and hug the CNAs that work under me and buy them lunch. If only the families KNEW what their beloved CNAs get away with even after write ups! because the management approves of how the families respond to them!
After several weeks of leaving work depressed I am finally asking for advice here. What do you do when family members talk down to you? I am so discouraged that I am seriously considering a change in profession. I guess when I say "talk down" I am putting it lightly. I should say: scream, curse, bad mouth, yell and otherwise expect you to be the Walmart Service Desk. I am a strong person, I can take up for myself. I have no problem referring the person to the proper management personel that can take the service requests better then me due to their inflated salary and nice office chairs. But the treatment I have been recieving hurts. I guess I went into this profession because I have compassion for others, understand their downfalls and want to help make it better. Is it just me or has the generations changed in their ways of thinking? When I first started in Nursing as a CNA the pts, and family members were appreciative. Now very few are ever appreciative. If staff answers their call in 3 minutes it should have been 1. I blame some on management, for always promising the best when they know they cannot always provide the best 100% of the time. But are people becoming more rude then ever? How do you stand up for yourself in a professional way? I have thought that maybe it is just me, but I got to talking with other staff who say that they to have been insulted personally and professionally and do not really know how to respond. I know that part of the problem is the fact that we are also short staffed, and family members do not know that their anger directed towards me is useless and ineffective since I cannot fix the situation, but that doesn't make me feel any better!
Sorry to hear you are so frustrated. We are among the "informed" generation now. And yes, the general population sees us as "service oriented" not caregivers. The expectations are high and we are "so well paid" and they "pay us to do this job". And honestly, they don't care if you are the only staff on duty. Telling any family or resident that you are "short staffed" is just asking for trouble.Telling a family you have 10 to take care of and are doing your best? Not good. I'm sorry, i'll try to see it doesn't happen again. I've been nursing for 25 years. It can be frustrating to be at the end of the finger in your face attitute. I have worked long term care/subacute now for 19 years after a stint in cardiac stepdown.
How do I deal with it? Take a giant step back, look the person in the eye and tell them when they've calmed down and are rational, come find me in the nurses station! Much of what I have dealt with over years comes form guilt. They have to be angry with me, because they can't be angry at themselves for not being able to take care of mom, dad, uncle lou or whomever. I faced long ago, the fact that I will never meet their expectation (the family). But is your client happy? Are you meeting guidelines? Are YOU providing your best care? Believe me, i've seen it all. I've been threatened, hit, dragged over a nurse's station counter and jabbed in the face with that wagging finger. Where has that gotten me? In that "cushy" job you described. Sorry you are so angry with your administration. I make beds, pass meds, answer light conduct family meetings, answer phones, serve meals and do all the stuff to make sure my facility gets the medicare reimbursement we deserve, I am the infection control nurse and the quality assurance director. Some cushy job, eh? walk a mile in my shoes.
In the end, I do it because I care what happens to our older folks. They made the world I live in and deserve a decent life.
I dont have much to add that hasnt already been said here. I too work in LTC and the CNA's are given large cash and check gifts (that I *dont* know about yea, right) and even the facility I work at passes up the nurses for any in-house rewards for excellent care, showering the CNA's with monthly prizes and such for the #1. Now, Im not in this field because I was to be showered with praise and presents. I love taking care of people. But ya know, it hurts sometimes, to sit there and take the brunt of a family members abuse until they feel better having made another person feel like feces, just to have them turn around and hug the CNAs that work under me and buy them lunch. If only the families KNEW what their beloved CNAs get away with even after write ups! because the management approves of how the families respond to them!
Sometimes I just cry all the way home.
I am also an RN and as I said I've had both the great and the abuse. Yah, the abuse hurts but if I focussed on that, I'd never go to work. Never once in school did a Nurse Educator talk to me about becoming an RN to receive praise and presents so, no, I didn't become an RN for that either. Do I like it when it happens - yup. Does it help to receive the thanks and praise of the people I care for - yes it does. Does it happen a lot - every day. Does it hurt to be abused - yes it does - that thank God doesn't happen every day. I've cried driving home too (once I even got a speeding ticket while I continued to sob) but then you start another day.
:) And no, I didn't know the money was there. I've had people stick money in my pocket at work. When I've caught them, I make them take the money back. But when you're carrying the world in your pockets, it's not hard for them to do. I've also had people put money in an envelope and leave it for me at the Admissions desk. Really! I had a situation once where the LVN I was working with came to me with cash in her hand that was left in the room by the patient with a note and said "it's for us!".
I'm sorry that your present work situation is bad. It is horrible when the people you work with (regardless of whether they are an RN, LVN, CNA, DR)are not as committed as you are. And then you watch them get praised. It's enough to make you gag.
Specializes in LTC, home health, critical care, pulmonary nursing.
After several weeks of leaving work depressed I am finally asking for advice here. What do you do when family members talk down to you? I am so discouraged that I am seriously considering a change in profession. I guess when I say "talk down" I am putting it lightly. I should say: scream, curse, bad mouth, yell and otherwise expect you to be the Walmart Service Desk. I am a strong person, I can take up for myself. I have no problem referring the person to the proper management personel that can take the service requests better then me due to their inflated salary and nice office chairs. But the treatment I have been recieving hurts. I guess I went into this profession because I have compassion for others, understand their downfalls and want to help make it better. Is it just me or has the generations changed in their ways of thinking? When I first started in Nursing as a CNA the pts, and family members were appreciative. Now very few are ever appreciative. If staff answers their call in 3 minutes it should have been 1. I blame some on management, for always promising the best when they know they cannot always provide the best 100% of the time. But are people becoming more rude then ever? How do you stand up for yourself in a professional way? I have thought that maybe it is just me, but I got to talking with other staff who say that they to have been insulted personally and professionally and do not really know how to respond. I know that part of the problem is the fact that we are also short staffed, and family members do not know that their anger directed towards me is useless and ineffective since I cannot fix the situation, but that doesn't make me feel any better!
Ohhh the upset people.... I love the patients, it's the family member's that are so hard to take care of... Listening, with concern is half the battle. Afterall, both parties are there for the patients best interest. This usually stems from fear of the unknown. It helps to listen, inform, and teach. Once all parties understand what is happening, and that you are there to take care of the patient, because this is your passion in life, they tend to calm down. They know you are in control. Showing compassion for the family as well goes a long way. I get so syked when I'm able to calm the fears and anxiety of family members, as well as patients!
i made a 'near miss' med error the other day. i call it a near miss because the mother of the child brought it to my attention. the mar was not written as clear as it should be (chemo, no less. well it wasn't chemo i almost missed, it was the antiemetic). i felt so terrible!! everyone kept saying 'don't let her get to you, she's like that with everyone'. it wasn't mad at her- it was what she said "i can't even leave here to go to work without something going wrong". she also said "this is a big mistake, you know". actually i'm not sure how big it is, because the drug was written to be given 'daily', so she did end up getting it that day.
the first thing she said was what upset me. it was very busy, and she was not my busiest patient. she started to say 'there's no excuse', which we all know is not true, (although not her problem). the bottom line is, she has now lost even more trust in the system, thanks to me. and what should i have said back? "yes, mrs x, you can't leave here, because we're understaffed an inundated with work, and you are the only one who can ensure we are doing everything properly for your child".
yea, right) and even the facility I work at passes up the nurses for any in-house rewards for excellent care, showering the CNA's with monthly prizes and such for the #1. Now, Im not in this field because I was to be showered with praise and presents. I love taking care of people. But ya know, it hurts sometimes, to sit there and take the brunt of a family members abuse until they feel better having made another person feel like feces, just to have them turn around and hug the CNAs that work under me and buy them lunch. If only the families KNEW what their beloved CNAs get away with even after write ups! because the management approves of how the families respond to them!
DutchgirlRN, ASN, RN
3,932 Posts
I tell them "I understand that you are upset, angry, hurt, or whatever applies, but please don't take it out on me. I am doing my best for your whatever". We can talk if that would help.
Seems to bring them down a notch or two. If it doesn't I go to my charge nurse or nurse manager.