RNinRecovery*Help!

Nurses Recovery

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Hello, I am new to this forum. I am seeking support from other nurses in recovery. I am feeling really down lately, hopeless..trying to cope with first year in my state's alternative to discipline program. The shame, guilt, and isolation that comes with addiction is weighing me down more than ever lately...I am 9 months clean this month. I attend both NA and AA and have recently found a sponsor. I should feel proud of myself but I just keep beating myself up. I am struggling with asking for help in person at meetings and over the phone; intense social anxiety!* Please help ...i feel so alone and overwhelmed. Any response is greatly appreciated,* private or in this thread....THANK YOU💞liza

About being required to get a sponsor...yes, my program also required that. However, st the time I wasn't feeling comfortable at all in the 12 step rooms, and in no way would I have wanted to approach someone in those rooms to be my sponsor, to get even more into my personal business than the counselors at IOP and my caseworker at TPAPN already had! So what I did was talk to a friend who had been through TPAPN a few years earlier. She was a lifesaver, totally understood the embarrassment, humiliation, stress etc I was going through! I spent a lot of time on the phone with her & she agreed to be my "sponsor". After all, she was no longer in TPAPN but while she was, she learned all the AA 12 steps etc, so I knew if for some reason the monitoring gods ended up requiring her to speak on my behalf or write a letter or whatever, she'd know enough of the lingo to do so. But in reality her activities as "sponsor" were just to answer my TPAPN questions or listen to me vent or stress out, 99% of our communication is by text. She's never had to do anything and I've had to put her name on my monthly reports, but just her first name, and seriously, it's supposed to be anonymous so could they really require her full name? And in the beginning I really did try to learn all about the 12 steps, (before I got to creeped out by the cult like vibes), so I read the Big Book, I learned the steps, and I could actually answer the question on my monthly self report form "which step are you working" because I knew enough about them from the readings I did and the meetings that I knew what each one entailed and how long most people generally take to work through them. But no, I did not "work the steps" with a sponsor. I had no desire to spill my guts even more to a stranger!

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Specializes in OR.

Nothing in my contract states that I must have a sponsor but the quarterly self report asks if I do and how many times a week I see them. As the contract does not address it, I do not answer those questions. The contract stipulates attendance at meetings and the keeping of a meeting log, which I do. They say I must go. It does not say I must participate. So I go. I warm a chair until I can't take it anymore, then I leave. I attend and participate in a single meeting that is germane to my mental health issue. The others, I merely take up space. I zone out or I read or play cards on my phone.

I never did understand what "working the steps" even meant (back when I was getting drug/alcohol rehab stuff rammed down my throat at the expense of my mental health needs and my family's retirement.) Also how is it any programs business as to what goes on between ones sponsor and you.

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As far as the 12 step stuff. I do what is required. I go & get my slip signed. PERIOD. If I was braver I'd sign the paper myself but I'm afraid of giving these Nazis an excuse to mess up my life even more. I have a sponsor that I don't talk to even though hes a great guy. I just don't buy into the program so why waste his time. There are plenty of really good people in there but they might as well be speaking Chinese. I'm not hearing what they are saying. I think being forced to be there & then beg to have a paper signed has something to do with it. Once it was made mandatory any chance of a voluntary buy-in died. Its just another dumb task to complete with no meaning

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Mass SARP is now 3 years. So any of you in a 5 year program should request a hearing so you can finish.   I just had a hearing requesting that they waive the first 6 months of no practice as my license was suspended in November. So I have t been practicing already for 10 months !  I also provided them with 10 months of drug screens.  The answer was no.  Period.  No discussion. At all. Not to mention the months it took to be accepted which was due to covid.  No ones fault at all.  They didn’t care. They are holding me hostage without working for another 6 months just because. They literally couldn’t give me a reason.  So I am going to sign the contract and start the program I guess.  I don’t have a choice.  They call it an alternative to discipline program when it reality it is very dicioplinary in nature.   I am pissed! I feel like my request was very reasonable. They didn’t even let me speak. Which in itself should have dismissed the whole case.  From what I can tell so far, and o haven’t even started, is they are all about making sure it is the most miserable challenging time of your life.  I’d like to know some statistics on how many people actually finish this program without getting kicked out. 5x a week commitments?!   Plus with having med restrictions on your license where the hell am I supposed to work?  Who the hell is going to a hire a nurse who can’t give meds ?  Are they getting supervisor reports from stop and shop ?   Sorry I am just so pissed at the total lack of help.  A recovery program is supposed to be helpful.  Not let’s see how much stress we can bring about for these people.   I have a feeling most don’t complete it as it literally is set up for failure.    So if o miss a meeting I’m out?  I am furious!  My issue was was oxy.   I never diverted. I ended up getting arrested and the board got wind of it.  Anyway , I had multiple stress fractures in both my feet and was prescribed oxycodone.  After that, I like it, so I would use it recreationally.   And I mean that. It was recreational. Not an every day occurrence.  Not even weekly.  I was arrested for a suspended drivers license and my urine was positive.  Now I’m living a nightmare !   This was a short lived issue as well.   A year and 2 months from my broken feet.   They treat this as a one size fits all program. I don’t think that’s fair.  I never made any mistakes. My evals were nothing but glowing.   So I suppose losing my house and my car and essentially everything I’ve worked my whole life for is a good element  to recovery in their eyes.   Anyway. I guess my question is. Where the hell am I supposed to work as a nurse without giving in g meds !   

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Specializes in Med/Surg, Women's Health, LTC.

Try dialysis or a plasma donation center. Also, wound care in LTC and maybe MDS nurse? There are options, and I know it is hard and heartbreaking, but hang in there!

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Thanks. I didn’t think of dialysis.   Is anyone even going to be willing to hire me ?  I have tell them I’m in this program.  Seems to me that doesn’t make me very marketable.   

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Specializes in Psych, Addictions, SOL (Student of Life).
On 12/2/2017 at 5:29 PM, 2010rn42 said:

Thank you! For the SARP in MA , we are required to attend 4 AA or NA meetings a week plus a peer group meeting and 1:1 therapy 2x a month. It's a 5 yr program. I am struggling to fit everything in and I am not sure how I feel about 12 step meetings...some I really enjoy and find helpful and others a waste of time. It seems like what I have been focusing on is just trying to fit everything in and work (non nursing) and family (2 kids)...I feel like I'm not really working on myself, I'm just overwhelmed with meeting the requirements and not benefiting... I am not to thrilled with my peer group meetings, I guess I expected them to be more helpful. I am glad I found this forum as I have been feeling very discouraged!!

long time graduate of the California diversion program and October 22,2020 will mark 20 years sober for me.  Compared to California you program doesn't sound so bad but it's all relative I suppose. In the begining I had to do an AA meeting everyday (no excuses even if I was sick) 2 therapy sessions a month and anywhere from two to four UDS a month at $58.00 a pop. I know that seems cheap by todays standard  but it came to a lot of money. The thing with AA meetings if you have to find a meeting /group you connect with. I was going to 1 speaker meeting a week (required) and the other 6 were my choice. So I did a book study, a ladies of AA meeting, a traditions and promises meeting, Sunday morning coffee and doughnut meeting and what else I could throw in. MY sponsor came out of my ladies meeting but most of my phone list came out of the T&P and the coffee and doughnuts. meeting. After my first year I was allowed to return to work and petitioned to drop back to 4 meetings a week and since my program didn't allow me to work nights or weekends I could fit most of my meetings in on Friday through Sunday. after two years it went to 3 meetings a week and so on until year 5 which was a transition year with no requirements except random UDS. All told the program ended up costing me about $45,000.00 in the 5 years and I had to take out a second on my house. That's all paid back now and I still work at the same hospital . I did quit going to meetings a while back and contrary to what I was told I did not fall off the proverbial wagon into a vat of whiskey and drown. 

I live a happy productive life with my husband and son, a job and co-workers I like and who like me so as the song goes "LIfe is good these days."Don't be nervous about calling you sponsor or using your phone list if you are struggeling. Believe me they want to hear from you and they are there to help. In the beginning I felt a lot like a large fresh sidewalk burn(Bare nerve ending that hurt all the time) but slowly I let myself heal with the help of my support people and the nurses in my support group. Today I use my past to inform myself and not to define myself.

There will be times when this will seem like the hardest thing ever and there will be times when it seems kind of easy, ut stick with it and you will prevail.

Hppy

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Specializes in Psych, Addictions, SOL (Student of Life).
59 minutes ago, Tannirae1969 said:

Thanks. I didn’t think of dialysis.   Is anyone even going to be willing to hire me ?  I have tell them I’m in this program.  Seems to me that doesn’t make me very marketable.   

In California I was not required to tell I was in the program until I had a job offer and a few doors got slammed in my face but I went to work in Acute psych and never looked back. I was my facilities 1 diversion hire and we now offer jobs to 5 to 10 diversion nurses a year.

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Specializes in Psych, Addictions, SOL (Student of Life).
On 12/7/2017 at 12:27 PM, SpankedInPittsburgh said:

As far as the 12 step stuff. I do what is required. I go & get my slip signed. PERIOD. If I was braver I'd sign the paper myself but I'm afraid of giving these Nazis an excuse to mess up my life even more. I have a sponsor that I don't talk to even though hes a great guy. I just don't buy into the program so why waste his time. There are plenty of really good people in there but they might as well be speaking Chinese. I'm not hearing what they are saying. I think being forced to be there & then beg to have a paper signed has something to do with it. Once it was made mandatory any chance of a voluntary buy-in died. It's just another dumb task to complete with no meaning

Spanked I thought you were done?

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Specializes in ED RN and Case Manager.

@hppygr8ful I’m pretty sure that Spanked finished just a few months after I did. His reply on this thread is from December 2017. 

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Specializes in Critical Care.
On 9/4/2020 at 5:37 PM, Tannirae1969 said:

Mass SARP is now 3 years. So any of you in a 5 year program should request a hearing so you can finish.   I just had a hearing requesting that they waive the first 6 months of no practice as my license was suspended in November. So I have t been practicing already for 10 months !  I also provided them with 10 months of drug screens.  The answer was no.  Period.  No discussion. At all. Not to mention the months it took to be accepted which was due to covid.  No ones fault at all.  They didn’t care. They are holding me hostage without working for another 6 months just because. They literally couldn’t give me a reason.  So I am going to sign the contract and start the program I guess.  I don’t have a choice.  They call it an alternative to discipline program when it reality it is very dicioplinary in nature.   I am pissed! I feel like my request was very reasonable. They didn’t even let me speak. Which in itself should have dismissed the whole case.  From what I can tell so far, and o haven’t even started, is they are all about making sure it is the most miserable challenging time of your life.  I’d like to know some statistics on how many people actually finish this program without getting kicked out. 5x a week commitments?!   Plus with having med restrictions on your license where the hell am I supposed to work?  Who the hell is going to a hire a nurse who can’t give meds ?  Are they getting supervisor reports from stop and shop ?   Sorry I am just so pissed at the total lack of help.  A recovery program is supposed to be helpful.  Not let’s see how much stress we can bring about for these people.   I have a feeling most don’t complete it as it literally is set up for failure.    So if o miss a meeting I’m out?  I am furious!  My issue was was oxy.   I never diverted. I ended up getting arrested and the board got wind of it.  Anyway , I had multiple stress fractures in both my feet and was prescribed oxycodone.  After that, I like it, so I would use it recreationally.   And I mean that. It was recreational. Not an every day occurrence.  Not even weekly.  I was arrested for a suspended drivers license and my urine was positive.  Now I’m living a nightmare !   This was a short lived issue as well.   A year and 2 months from my broken feet.   They treat this as a one size fits all program. I don’t think that’s fair.  I never made any mistakes. My evals were nothing but glowing.   So I suppose losing my house and my car and essentially everything I’ve worked my whole life for is a good element  to recovery in their eyes.   Anyway. I guess my question is. Where the hell am I supposed to work as a nurse without giving in g meds !   

The MABORN is ridiculous, period.  I had been an RN for 7 years in NH when I applied for my MA license in 2013 and the ONLY reason I did, was because I needed to relocate to MA to care for my elderly Aunt.  I received my MA license 1/2013.  I was traveling at that time and took a pre-employment screen, as I had done for the past two years.  It came back positive for amphetamines, which I knew it would, as I have a script for Vyvanse for ADD.  I had never had an issue previously, the drill was that I take a picture of my script bottle and email it to the medical officer.  This time, they called me and said that it was positive and that if I wanted to pursue it, it would cost me $300. Being a single Mom, I didn’t have $300 just laying around, so I couldn’t pursue it. My contact was recinded.  I applied for another company, did the urine test (which was fine) and went about my business.  I had NO idea the *** show that would lie before me.  What I can tell you is this...long story short, after SIX YEARS of *** with MA, after NH had DISMISSED everything TWICE, not to mention that my MA license expired in 2016, in 2018, when I went to renew my NH license, I was told that my MA license had been revoked.  I was FURIOUS.  At this point, I had to go to a “show cause “ before the NH BON and answer each accusation from the MABORN.  I couldn’t afford a lawyer so I represented myself.  I dropped off 275 pages  of discovery, grit my teeth, and simply told them the truth.  I do not and never have, had any kind of substance abuse issue.  I didn’t care if they took my license, I was NOT going to admit to something I didn’t do, period.  It actually would have been quicker and easier to just do what the MABORN wanted, but I didn’t and still don’t care.  I won my case and everything was dismissed, as a matter of fact,a member of the NH board asked me why this had been dragged out so long and why, after I had responded, the MA board was still pursuing it.  I told her that I had no idea.  She shook her head, legitimately.  
 

Fast forward to today.  My license is unencumbered in NH, but is still “REVOKED/EXPIRED in MA.  Ridiculous.  I could care less at this point, I am still practicing in NH.  Shame on the MABORN for allowing me to practice for FIVE YEARS, if they truly believed I was an impaired RN!!   It’s plain to see that the amount of money generated by nurses in recovery, far surpasses the integrity of the board.  ?

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Specializes in CTICU, Quality, Education.

OP, first of all congratulations on your recovery progress! That is first and foremost. Secondly, people go into monitoring programs for all sorts of reasons (some legitimate on the part of the Board and some not). I am in a monitoring program for an old documentation error but this experience has completely opened my eyes to the bravery and strength of nurses in recovery. How one would actually manage to recover as an addict while dealing with the board stipulations and everything it does to your life is beyond me so I truly view you as a hero. I also have social anxiety and what helped me was joining a supportive group for nurses where I could share about my mental health recovery and not be gaslit or shamed for my actual struggles. If you ever feel the urge, Lionrock Recovery online has a Tuesday and Thursday group for nurses only going through recovery programs and they are the sweetest, kindest, most supportive peers I could ask for. You are certainly welcome to join us anytime. 

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