im not sure how to post but i'm tring to get some feedback about my essay, its supposed to be one page...help
Dear nursing admissions committee,
My name is Fallon Franqui I am a 24yo mother of three. I am currently a licensed practical nurse for roughly eight months. I was previously a certified nurse's aid for six years. I would consider myself to be a very determined individual. Once I set a goal I accomplish it no matter the task. As a mother I strive to demonstrate to my children that all is possible as long as you are motivated and willing to work hard toward your goals. Ever since a young age I knew I was destined to care for others. As a child I was always inclined to help my friends and family. My mother has suffered from leprosy for a very long time and throughout my life I have cared for her. At times being a caregiver has taken a toll on my scholastic ability. While in college my mother's leprosy caused other complications with her health, I had to withdraw from school a few times and unfortunately once or twice I was too late to do so and my grades resulted in failure. I have never let this hold me back. When I enrolled in the LPN course it became my chance for redemption. I had longed to become a nurse and further my education. While in nursing school I had numerous memorable clinical experiences. Being able to get a taste of different areas in the nursing field opened my eyes to the possibilities in a nursing career. I personally enjoyed being in the pediatric unit, on the mental health unit and in the emergency setting. While on the pediatric unit I cared for a 7 year old boy who had been rushed in for an emergency appendectomy. He was around the age of my oldest daughter at the time. He was so little yet so brave. It was rewarding being able to care for him watching him recover and being a part of that process. Not only was I assessing his incision and administering his medication, I was interacting with him, playing with him , making him smile and making him more comfortable in the hospital setting. It was so rewarding to see him go home all betterâ€, he hugged me that day and thanked me for being his friend, he said. Our clinicals where mostly held in the reading hospital, it was a letdown for me once I realized that in order to work in the hospital a nurse must be registered. This is when my next goal began to formulate in my career checklist. I decided I needed to become a registered nurse.
The reading hospital school of health sciences has a competitive curriculum and it would be an honor to be accepted into the nursing program. I believe I am a perfect fit despite some minor bumps in the road, I am determined and focused on becoming a registered nurse. I currently work the flex position at my job and have a very supportive family that are willing to help me in my endeavors. I have previous medical experience and truly am dedicated to becoming the best nurse possible. My life experiences have helped me to realize that nursing is my calling, that when given the opportunity to help and care for others I feel best about myself and I thrive. Thank you all for your time and I'm looking forward to hearing back from you.
What is the point of starting off with your name? You are signing the letter. Replace "my name is...." and tell them what program you are applying for in that first sentence. It's not clear.
As in "I am applying for x program...."
These essays have a word length usually, so it all adds up. You can introduce yourself without starting off with your name. I would suggest googling some letters of intent as an example.
Furthermore, your letter still requires paragraphs. I'm not seeing that in your revision here.
I am an English professor transitioning into nursing, so I can help:)
A basic composition course should be a requirement of your program, and I recommend you take it early, as you will have to write many research papers as a part of your program, and your skills need quite a bit of development. I currently work with nursing students on their essays quite a bit, so I'm familiar with the level of research and assessment they complete.
You've been provided with many good tips such as paragraph organization, removing the excuses, and eliminating the "My name is...." at the beginning.
I can't cover everything, but here are a few additional suggestions:
1. Capitalize items like Dear Nursing Admissions Committee and Reading Hospital School of Health.
2. Read carefully for verb form errors. This sentence should read, "I have been a licensed...." rather than what is here-I am currently a licensed practical nurse for roughly eight months.
3. Read for introductory clauses. In this case, a comma is needed after "goal": Once I set a goal I accomplish it no matter the task.
4. Read for run-ons; I see 4 different sentences in this line: While in college my mother's leprosy caused other complications with her health, I had to withdraw from school a few times and unfortunately once or twice I was too late to do so and my grades resulted in failure. I have never let this hold me back.
5. Avoid slang terms like "get a taste of"; instead, provide a literal interpretation.
5. Remove the 2nd person "you", and avoid addressing the audience.
If there is no rubric, at the very least I would suggest making these edits:
You need a new introduction. Your age and being are mother are not relevant to your application for nursing school. Your name will be found elsewhere.
Following the intro:
I am currently a Licensed Practical Nurse. I received my license [insert date or month with year here]. [insert current work experience as a LPN here, specifically where you work and what type of facility it is. Be specific, no use of "roughly."] I have six years experience working as a certified nursing assistant.
As a mother I strive to demonstrate to my children that all is possible as long as you are motivated and willing to work hard toward your goals. Ever since a young age I knew I was destined to care for others. As a child I was always inclined to help my friends and family.
This is nice, but I'm not sure where you are going with it? You could elaborate more that you enjoyed helping friends/family and that's what brought you to wanting to become a nurse?
At times being a caregiver has taken a toll on my scholastic ability. While in college my mother's leprosy caused other complications with her health, I had to withdraw from school a few times and unfortunately once or twice I was too late to do so and my grades resulted in failure. I have never let this hold me back. When I enrolled in the LPN course it became my chance for redemption.
This does not need to be mentioned unless they request your transcripts and specifically ask you state why you have withdrawals on your transcript. Otherwise, you should absolutely not mention this.
I personally enjoyed being in the pediatric unit, on the mental health unit and in the emergency setting.
Rather than mentioning what your personal preferences are, indicate where your clinical experiences took place. You could say I had clinical rotations on the pediatric unit, mental health unit, and in the emergency department.†Include all clinical experiences here not just the ones you enjoyed.
Although I don't think your story about the boy is a HIPPA violation, it really shares more patient information than necessary and we should always be careful we don't cross the line. The boys age doesn't need to be mentioned and you could make it gender neutral by using the child†or the patient†rather than he†and him.â€
Our clinicals where mostly held in the reading hospital, it was a letdown for me once I realized that in order to work in the hospital a nurse must be registered. This is when my next goal began to formulate in my career checklist. I decided I needed to become a registered nurse.
This whole paragraph needs to go. Talking about the current career your pursuing being a let down does not make you seem motivated and interested in the position. You can rephrase with My clinical experiences at Reading Hospital motivated me to advance my nursing career and pursue a further degree in Registered Nursing.â€
Also, why did you do clinical rotations if you weren't able to work there? Did you work with LPN's or RN's?
I believe I would make afit despite some minor bumps in the road
Stop bringing up your flaws. This is your time to emphasis what you do well and are good at.
No need to mention your previous medical experience as it will be stated above. Your conclusion is better place to mention why you feel you would make a good fit. Discuss why you think you would be a good fit. This is a better place to talk about how you are motivated and are hard working.
You can end with your name at the bottom and if you are mailing this give yourself space to sign it above where your name is printed.
One more piece of advice, I wouldn't suggest posting your full name on a public forum like this. I was easily able to find you on Facebook. I'm not sure if you are able to delete this post but if you can't I would go into your Facebook and change your privacy setting including restricting the ability to see your photos. Employers and even schools will look for you on social media and sometimes they determine whether to hire/accept you based on how you portray yourself there.
One tip: Don't use the same word over and over in one sentence. Above you use the word "him" at least five times in one sentence. You could also revise this sentence: While in nursing school I had numerous memorable clinical experiences. Being able to get a taste of different areas in the nursing field opened my eyes to the possibilities in a nursing career.
To something more like : In nursing school, I had various memorable clinical experiences such as pediatrics, mental health, and emergency medicine etc....
Also this sentence :I believe I am a perfect fit despite some minor bumps in the road, I am determined and focused on becoming a registered nurse.
I don't think you need to say minor bumps in the road, instead you should tell them why you are a perfect fit.
What exactly was the question you were asked to answer because overall that is what needs to be the focus of this essay and making sure its answered in the allotted amount of words they say.
I think you need to rewrite this a couple more times. Your off to a good start but it could benefit from some revisions.
Dear nursing admissions committee,
My name is Fallon Franqui I am a 24 year old mother of three. I am currently a licensed practical nurse for roughly eight months. I was previously a certified nurse's aid for six years. I would consider myself to be a very determined individual. Once I set a goal I accomplish it no matter the task. As a mother I strive to demonstrate to my children that all is possible as long as you are motivated and willing to work hard toward your goals.
Ever since a young age I knew I was destined to care for others. As a child I was always inclined to help my friends and family. My mother has suffered from Hansen's disease for a very long time and throughout my life I have cared for her. At times being a caregiver has taken a toll on my scholastic ability. While in college my mother's leprosy caused other complications with her health, I had to withdraw from school a few times and unfortunately once or twice I was too late to do so and my grades resulted in failure. I have never let this hold me back. When I enrolled in the LPN course it became my chance for redemption. I had longed to become a nurse and further my education.
While in nursing school I had numerous memorable clinical experiences. Being able to get a taste of different areas in the nursing field opened my eyes to the possibilities in a nursing career. I personally enjoyed being on the pediatric unit, on the mental health unit and in the emergency setting. While on the pediatric unit I cared for a 7 year old boy who had been rushed in for an emergency appendectomy. He was around the age of my oldest daughter at the time. He was so little yet so brave. It was rewarding being able to care for him watching him recover and being a part of that process. Not only was I assessing his incision and administering his medication, I was interacting with him, playing with him , making him smile and making him more comfortable in the hospital setting. It was so rewarding to see him go home all betterâ€, he hugged me that day and thanked me for being his friend. Our clinicals where mostly held in the reading hospital, it was a letdown for me once I realized that in order to work in the hospital a nurse must be registered. This is when my next goal began to formulate in my career checklist. I decided I needed to become a registered nurse.
The reading hospital school of health sciences has a competitive curriculum and it would be an honor to be accepted into the nursing program. I believe I am a perfect fit despite some minor bumps in the road, I am determined and focused on becoming a registered nurse. I currently work the flex position at my job and have a very supportive family that are willing to help me in my endeavors. I have previous medical experience and truly am dedicated to becoming the best nurse possible. My life experiences have helped me to realize that nursing is my calling, that when given the opportunity to help and care for others I feel best about myself and I thrive. Thank you all for your time and I'm looking forward to hearing back from you.
here is more of a paragraph breakdown.thank you for your input. if i don't start with my name how can i change the beginning to still fit my introduction.
thank you all for your input it has been very helpful. there is not necessarily a rubric the only stipulations are to make the essay 1 pg, why i want to be a nurse, why i would be a good for for the school and give a little info about myself. i am not currently a student and my previous nursing program gave us training at a hospital that only excepts rn's with there bachelors currently. it has been a motivation for most of us to go back to school.
Dear Nursing Admissions Committee,
I am currently a Licensed Practical Nurse. I received my nursing license March 17th 2015. I have been working at the Berkshire Center Nursing Home for seven months. I have six years' experience working as a certified nursing assistant. I would consider myself to be a very determined individual. Once I set a goal, I accomplish it no matter the task. As a mother I strive to demonstrate to my children that all is possible as long as you are motivated and willing to work hard toward your goals.
Ever since a young age I knew I was destined to care for others. As a child I was always inclined to help my friends and family. My mother has suffered from Hansen's disease for a very long time and throughout my life I have cared for her. At times being a caregiver has taken a toll on my scholastic ability. While in college my mother's leprosy caused other complications with her health. I had to withdraw from school a few times. Unfortunately once or twice I was too late to do so and my grades resulted in failure. I have never let this hold me back. When I enrolled in the LPN course it became my chance for redemption. I had longed to become a nurse and further my education.
While in nursing school I had numerous memorable clinical experiences. Being able to get an insight on the different areas in the nursing field opened my eyes to the possibilities in a nursing career. I had clinical rotations on the pediatric unit, mental health unit, maternity, geriatrics and in the emergency department. While on the pediatric unit I cared for a 7 year old child who had been rushed in for an emergency appendectomy. The patient was around the age of my oldest daughter at the time. The child was so little yet so brave. It was rewarding being able to care for him watching the recovery and being a part of that process. Not only was I performing assessments and administering medication, I was interacting with him, playing with him , making him smile and making him more comfortable in the hospital setting. It was so rewarding to see him go home all betterâ€, he hugged me that day and thanked me for being his friend. My clinical experiences at Reading Hospital motivated me to advance my nursing career and pursue a further degree in Registered Nursing.
The Reading Hospital School of Health Sciences has a competitive curriculum and it would be an honor to be accepted into the nursing program. Being a caring, hardworking, enthusiastic and versatile individual makes me a great candidate for this program. I am determined and focused on becoming a registered nurse. I currently work the flex position at my job and have a very supportive family that are willing to help me in my endeavors. I have previous medical experience and truly am dedicated to becoming the best nurse possible. My life experiences have helped me to realize that nursing is my calling, that when given the opportunity to help and care for others I feel best about myself and I thrive. Thank you all for your time and I'm looking forward to hearing back from you.
sallyrnrrt, ADN, RN
2,399 Posts
First outline your essay....
use spacing to to separate the paragraphs and margin demarcation