rn acceptance essay

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im not sure how to post but i'm tring to get some feedback about my essay, its supposed to be one page...help

Dear nursing admissions committee,

My name is Fallon Franqui I am a 24yo mother of three. I am currently a licensed practical nurse for roughly eight months. I was previously a certified nurse's aid for six years. I would consider myself to be a very determined individual. Once I set a goal I accomplish it no matter the task. As a mother I strive to demonstrate to my children that all is possible as long as you are motivated and willing to work hard toward your goals. Ever since a young age I knew I was destined to care for others. As a child I was always inclined to help my friends and family. My mother has suffered from leprosy for a very long time and throughout my life I have cared for her. At times being a caregiver has taken a toll on my scholastic ability. While in college my mother's leprosy caused other complications with her health, I had to withdraw from school a few times and unfortunately once or twice I was too late to do so and my grades resulted in failure. I have never let this hold me back. When I enrolled in the LPN course it became my chance for redemption. I had longed to become a nurse and further my education. While in nursing school I had numerous memorable clinical experiences. Being able to get a taste of different areas in the nursing field opened my eyes to the possibilities in a nursing career. I personally enjoyed being in the pediatric unit, on the mental health unit and in the emergency setting. While on the pediatric unit I cared for a 7 year old boy who had been rushed in for an emergency appendectomy. He was around the age of my oldest daughter at the time. He was so little yet so brave. It was rewarding being able to care for him watching him recover and being a part of that process. Not only was I assessing his incision and administering his medication, I was interacting with him, playing with him , making him smile and making him more comfortable in the hospital setting. It was so rewarding to see him go home all better”, he hugged me that day and thanked me for being his friend, he said. Our clinicals where mostly held in the reading hospital, it was a letdown for me once I realized that in order to work in the hospital a nurse must be registered. This is when my next goal began to formulate in my career checklist. I decided I needed to become a registered nurse.

The reading hospital school of health sciences has a competitive curriculum and it would be an honor to be accepted into the nursing program. I believe I am a perfect fit despite some minor bumps in the road, I am determined and focused on becoming a registered nurse. I currently work the flex position at my job and have a very supportive family that are willing to help me in my endeavors. I have previous medical experience and truly am dedicated to becoming the best nurse possible. My life experiences have helped me to realize that nursing is my calling, that when given the opportunity to help and care for others I feel best about myself and I thrive. Thank you all for your time and I'm looking forward to hearing back from you.

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Specializes in General Surgery.

Paragraphs would help tremendously. I hope you do not submit an entire block of words.

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any other words of advice or????? what if i separate it at ever since.

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Specializes in General Surgery.
any other words of advice or?????

Is English your second language?

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Specializes in General Surgery.

I am by NO means the king of proper English. I'm the NGTKing.

Your essay needs some serious work. I am wondering what your first language is because you are making basic grammatical errors. The entire essay needs revision.

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ok... English is my first language. would you care to elaborate on my errors, you seem to be an experienced writer i'm assuming.

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English may be your second language or not, but I assure you that native English speakers often make basic errors in grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, and clear expression of their thoughts. It is a sad fact that many young people today have no idea how to structure a proper paragraph, let alone an essay.

Concentrate on organizing your thoughts into blocks: start with basic introductory information, then progress to your goals, your aptitudes and abilities, and your accomplishments. When applying for a position of any kind, it is also a good idea to give some attention to why you are applying to that particular institution (as you did). Every time you start a different "thought-block," start a new paragraph.

It is perfectly acceptable to offer explanations of poor grades or dismissal from a prior job or school in an application. However, it is best to keep excuses to a minimum and focus on how determined you are to be more successful in the future.

Overall, though, I think your choice of content is excellent--you have hit all the basic points that really need addressing. I would recommend you sit down with someone who is skilled and proficient in written English and get some help restructuring your essay so that it is somewhat more clear and cohesive. It's a good basic draft, it just needs a bit of cleaning up.

Good luck!

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thank you so much your advice was quite helpful. CryssyD

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You might also want to refer to your mother's illness as Hansen's disease, which is the "official," more correct term for what used to be called leprosy.

Does the school you attended to become an LPN have a writer's center (many schools do, not all, I guess) that could possibly help you with the grammar, syntax, and structure? I agree that the basic content is good; it just needs some polishing.

Best wishes!

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Specializes in geriatrics.

Your letter needs to be concise as well. The admissions committee is looking for scholarly writing abilities.

Example: get rid of "my name is...." That sentence is unnecessary. They will know who you are from the name on the letterhead and all your documentation.

Another awkward sentence: "This is when my next goal began to formulate in my career checklist." It doesn't read well and there are better ways to say what you mean.

The content is decent, but you really do need paragraphs and your letter contains several grammatical errors. You will probably need several revisions until your letter is finalized.

Good luck!

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Dear nursing admissions committee,

My name is Fallon Franqui I am a 24 year old mother of three. I am currently a licensed practical nurse for roughly eight months. I was previously a certified nurse's aid for six years. I would consider myself to be a very determined individual. Once I set a goal I accomplish it no matter the task. As a mother I strive to demonstrate to my children that all is possible as long as you are motivated and willing to work hard toward your goals.

Ever since a young age I knew I was destined to care for others. As a child I was always inclined to help my friends and family. My mother has suffered from Hansen's disease for a very long time and throughout my life I have cared for her. At times being a caregiver has taken a toll on my scholastic ability. While in college my mother's leprosy caused other complications with her health, I had to withdraw from school a few times and unfortunately once or twice I was too late to do so and my grades resulted in failure. I have never let this hold me back. When I enrolled in the LPN course it became my chance for redemption. I had longed to become a nurse and further my education.

While in nursing school I had numerous memorable clinical experiences. Being able to get a taste of different areas in the nursing field opened my eyes to the possibilities in a nursing career. I personally enjoyed being on the pediatric unit, on the mental health unit and in the emergency setting. While on the pediatric unit I cared for a 7 year old boy who had been rushed in for an emergency appendectomy. He was around the age of my oldest daughter at the time. He was so little yet so brave. It was rewarding being able to care for him watching him recover and being a part of that process. Not only was I assessing his incision and administering his medication, I was interacting with him, playing with him , making him smile and making him more comfortable in the hospital setting. It was so rewarding to see him go home all better”, he hugged me that day and thanked me for being his friend. Our clinicals where mostly held in the reading hospital, it was a letdown for me once I realized that in order to work in the hospital a nurse must be registered. This is when my next goal began to formulate in my career checklist. I decided I needed to become a registered nurse.

The reading hospital school of health sciences has a competitive curriculum and it would be an honor to be accepted into the nursing program. I believe I am a perfect fit despite some minor bumps in the road, I am determined and focused on becoming a registered nurse. I currently work the flex position at my job and have a very supportive family that are willing to help me in my endeavors. I have previous medical experience and truly am dedicated to becoming the best nurse possible. My life experiences have helped me to realize that nursing is my calling, that when given the opportunity to help and care for others I feel best about myself and I thrive. Thank you all for your time and I'm looking forward to hearing back from you.

here is more of a paragraph breakdown.thank you for your input. if i don't start with my name how can i change the beginning to still fit my introduction.

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also im already out of school right now so im not sure who can help me revise my paper.

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