Hi, have any of you been able to rebuild your relationships with success after addiction?
I'm really trying and it seems to be going no where.
My husband and I have been married for 25 years this coming Feb. It really seemed like we were getting closer after I finished rehab and starting working again. Now it seems like we are farther apart than we've ever been. I'm trying to understand he is still hurt after what I put him through for several years. We are currently in counseling and it seems like he is only concentrating on my faults. He needs to change to and I don't think he sees that. The way he talks to me makes me think he's ready to throw it all away.
I don't have so much addiction as mental health issues but thanks to having been shoved through the usual boilerplate program with massive conflict of interest issues i got steered me into treatment that was more focused on the $$$ in my family than my real needs, My parents unfortunately fell for the manipulative stories that this "treatment facility" (approved by the program, of course) recommended. And the irreparable damage started. I have lasting damage to the relationship with my parents. i am no longer the up and coming professional, homeowner, level I Trauma OR Nurse that i was 10 years ago. Now i am "45 years old, unable to keep a job, wholly dependent on my parents to not be living in my car," i feel like i am 12 years old when i have to ask for money to gas up said car. They are retired and in their 70's. I have a brother who is hugely, like with high 6 figure income successful, with a beautiful family. How am i ever going to fix this one? I am always going to be the family project.
I didn't get sober. i didn't need to. I got *******. Yes, i know, angry much?
I struggle with this all the time. This program has not done anything good for me at all. I drank way too much but my life was better on every level before PNAP & I thought this would make my life better which makes me a fool. I am struggling to put my life back together on every level. The worst thing this has done is rob my confidence and faith in myself. I know this. Fundamentally, we are the same people we were before this crap-wave hit our lives. This is a complete mess but if we (I) turn this anger inward and lose the basic faith I had in myself before being sentenced to this purgatory there will be nothing to rebuild. You built your life once & you can do it again. Hang tight and put these control freak, rehab-Nazi's in your rearview mirror.
Bless you Cat! It's got to be very very difficult for you. I'm so thankful for this forum where we can express our feelings and not be judged... no judgement here , hang in there ;-)
I totally agree with your sentiments Tiff. If my weekly support meetings offered 1/2 as much support and encouragement as I get here I couldn't wait to get there.
My situation is almost identical to yours and its scary as hell. I am bipolar, in my 40's, have no relationship with my mother and father, am an only child, and have been fired from every job that i have had since 2008. Ive been a nurse since 2003. Ive been ‘on the run' especially from myself. Thats one person you just cant get away from. I go to different cities waiting to get a psychiatrist falling off of my meds. I usually make it 3 months on my meds once i get them and then im off to another different city to start the cycle all over again. One of my contracts were cancelled and i literally didnt have $1 and was in my car with all that i own when i had to check myself into a BHU. I ended up meeting someone in there who I stayed with until i got back on my feet 3 months later- Not A Smart Decision I know! I have no one to help me, no one to rely on, No support system. So when I get sick and Im the only person who takes care of me, Everything turns bad until im back on meds and i pick myself back up. I feel for you. I really do.
In all respects I am actually very fortunate. My folks have educated themselves a lot on the aspects of bipolar to the point of connecting a lot of my childhood/teenage behavioral issues to what was probably undiagnosed bipolar. Back then they didn't call it that. I was pretty much just the kid that cried all the time. They have been EXTREMELY generous especially these last few months more so than anything, paying my bills, keeping me in my rental house that I love so much, etc. I am the one that chews on myself for having to ask. I hate what I feel like I have descended to. However I between what I read here and the bipolar support group I attend, I see so many that have it much worse, I feel like I should just hush and be thankful.
We've (my folks and I) have all agreed that this monitoring program/money suck is wrong and totally inappropriate, to the point that it is fodder to be made fun of. I do think there is a little guilt is them realizing that they fell for the manipulations of people that leveraged the needs of their little girl against access to their wallet. I've said repeatedly that they did nothing wrong because manipulation is what people like that do best.
There is some healing going on. A lot of it is in my own head and as you say, that's one place you can't get away from.
Cats this is a damn shame. The thought of an elderly couple who worked their whole lives to establish a nest egg and it is taken by the rehab industry for substance abuse rehab it doesn't sound like you needed is criminal. At least most of the money that got robbed in my case my insurer paid with respect to rehab. In fact if they didn't quit paying I would have spent a lot more time there. I'm glad that you and your folks are coming to peace with this situation and I'm sure they are happy to ensure their daughter's welfare
My folks aren't exactly elderly. Mom still works though it's not for the money. Dad retired a few years ago and his current job is annoying the heck out of mom. Heh! But yeah, it is a shame. I look back and I think if that if anyone in that hell hole cared for anything except the $$$ they would have noted that the person that cried all day, every day over the least little thing might have something going on besides an invented fake diagnosis of "substance abuse." But like a lot that revolves around the rehab industrial complex and these programs, while there may be a segment that benefits, no one really seems to take notice or care how many other people and families are irrevocably destroyed in what seems to be a scorched earth policy fueled by the almighty dollar.
I love that you transformed a line from Eisenhower's "Military Industrial Complex" speech where he warned that the people in it were more worried about profits than defending the nation (quite a mouthful from a guy who helped kick Hitler's ass). I also think the "Rehab Industrial Complex" is much more worried about making $$$ than helping folks and God help you if you are left to their "tender mercies" (while I'm stealing old quotes there is one from General Patton) if their is money to be made by continued even involuntary involvement even if that involvement is detrimental to the patient.
I am thankful for your stories and comments. I am sorry for all you have endured. Waiting seems to be the worst part. Depending on what the lawyers has to say I think she wants to just work until they wont let her and put money up to finish some training for something else non licensed and easier on the back. Good luck to you all.
When I first got fired, and I was told all the requirements of the monitoring program, my first reaction was no way! I have an unrelated degree from prior to nursing school and figured I'd go back to work in an non nursing job. The AA/NA meetings, the IOP, the drug tests, the NO ALCOHOL!!!!! All that was WAY TOO MUCH. I eventually calmed down, spoke to another nurse who'd successfully gone through the program, and decided I'd do the program, but I was NOT going to work for in nursing while I completed the program. I'd go through IOP, attend AA, do the drug tests etc, but I couldn't face having to interview for a job and explain I'd been fired and was now in TPAPN. Well heck, it turns out you can't complete the program that way! You have to work as a nurse for at least a year in order to successfully complete it. I ended up taking it just one step at a time, and I now am down to about 9 months left of a 3 year contract. It's a LOT, but it really is doable and it really will be worth it to have her keep her nursing license. Do not let her give up that license until she at least tries to do whatever requirements the Board sets. She will probably find the whole thing sucks, but she can do it.
Specializes in Psych, Addictions, SOL (Student of Life).
Thank u BCgradnurse.. Yes, he has seen a counselor (just himself) but said he didn't think it did any good. He's stubborn when it comes to someone telling him what he needs to change. I feel like he thinks I'm the only one who needs to change and I've voiced that to him. The hardest part is there are 2 children in the middle . I know I've hurt him a lot in the past . I knew it would take time , and effort for our marriage to work out and in the beginning of my (our) recovery it seemed things were headed in the right direction.
But now it feels hopeless. He told me last night he really wants a divorce. If that's what he wants then who am I to stop him. I know I'm working hard to stay sober and I'm going to keep it that way. Next month is my 2 year sobriety mark thank God.
Thanks for listening and thanks for sharing your story. I'm going to give it to God and pray for the best
While I am sorry for what is happening to you and your husband I feel I have to remind you that expecting someone else to change is fruitless. One of the cornerstones of solid recovery is knowing this in our hearts, minds and souls. My husband refused to change anything and gave up on counseling pretty quickly. I hunkered down and worked on MY recovery. It took years for husband to come around and we still have a fractured relationship but we get along ok and are able to parent effectively. We married later in life in our late mid 30's and we do have a 15 y/o son. I am not sure we were ever really in love. My husband has high functioning autism and many very rigid ways of looking at things. I refused to have my home a war zone though. There may come a time when we separate but that won't be until the man cub is up and out of the house.
catsmeow1972, BSN, RN
1,314 Posts
I don't have so much addiction as mental health issues but thanks to having been shoved through the usual boilerplate program with massive conflict of interest issues i got steered me into treatment that was more focused on the $$$ in my family than my real needs, My parents unfortunately fell for the manipulative stories that this "treatment facility" (approved by the program, of course) recommended. And the irreparable damage started. I have lasting damage to the relationship with my parents. i am no longer the up and coming professional, homeowner, level I Trauma OR Nurse that i was 10 years ago. Now i am "45 years old, unable to keep a job, wholly dependent on my parents to not be living in my car," i feel like i am 12 years old when i have to ask for money to gas up said car. They are retired and in their 70's. I have a brother who is hugely, like with high 6 figure income successful, with a beautiful family. How am i ever going to fix this one? I am always going to be the family project.
I didn't get sober. i didn't need to. I got *******. Yes, i know, angry much?