Hi, have any of you been able to rebuild your relationships with success after addiction?
I'm really trying and it seems to be going no where.
My husband and I have been married for 25 years this coming Feb. It really seemed like we were getting closer after I finished rehab and starting working again. Now it seems like we are farther apart than we've ever been. I'm trying to understand he is still hurt after what I put him through for several years. We are currently in counseling and it seems like he is only concentrating on my faults. He needs to change to and I don't think he sees that. The way he talks to me makes me think he's ready to throw it all away.
I am sorry that your marriage is still suffering. While I was in rehab, my husband served me with divorce papers, it was devastating. That was 15 years ago. I relapsed one time after and have been sober 12.5 years.
My husband and family did not participate with any "family" sessions, because they all thought this was my problem alone and not a family issue. It did not work out for me, but, I hope it does for you.
The best thing, in my opinion, you can do, is to continue living a clean and sober life and do whatever it takes to maintain your sanity and sobriety. Maybe your husband will come around, maybe not. But do not hold in those feelings, or it could lead you down a path of drinking again. Stay strong and keep talking with your counselor. Maybe bringing that up in a safe place with him, will help.
I wish you the very best and continued sobriety. Congratulations to you for that!
Thank you so much. Yes, my sobriety has to be my main priority because it affects everything else. I'm sorry you didn't have family support . I have support from my immediate family and at times from my husband. Wish you the best!
I'll be honest. It is very hard for me to have any sort of relationship while going through this program. I'm really not myself under this microscope combined with the economic and financial strains that monitoring has me subject to.
I've been married as of Oct 27th for 33 years - when I started my diversion option program we had been approaching 10 years (in fact, I spent our 10 year wedding anniversary in a large group counseling meeting session that was approximately 4 hr's every week (I quit my job initially, so I had BH via AHCCCS) with the unwashed masses (having qualified as one myself) including all lining up for a random breathalyzer. My husband, on the other hand spent the evening alone watching our 9 mo old baby. Ahhh ... fun times.
Naturally he felt angry with me for the situation, but in all honesty it wasn't on my bucket list either.
In this type of situation it's easy to blame the other person, because admitting you yourself may have played even some part is too much for the human psyche.
When my halocaust went down my mom had just unexpectedly died - we were close. I also had just had a baby, and recently graduated as an RN. At the time my husband had quit his low paying cook job to stay home with our baby for the first 2 years, as we had no one to trust. I worked several months before my spectacular screw up. I was plenty busy with self-flagellation activities thereafter - I didn't need any assistance: I already had that covered.
Not long after my addiction was exposed for the world to see, and I was waiting for my contract to be offered by the SBON, my loving husband and high school sweetheart told me self righteously about a dream he had.
I had been tried in a court of law and sentenced to death for crimes against all humanity for my diversion and addiction. However the judge felt sorry for my husband and baby, so after my execution my soul was into an robot so I could still work and provide for my family.
He was quietly indignant and smug as he calmly told me this. Shocked at his uncharitable, holier than thou demeanor didn't even begin to cover it. He had his substance abuse demons in the past too {my mom had a saying: "There is nothing more pure as a reformed whore". That still makes me chuckle, and about covered it}. At a time when things were stressful enough even before my epic fall, I needed his support more than ever - instead I got that. Nice.
Our counseling sessions were horrible too: yes, I was to blame for all of it, and he accepted no part in any of our problems. But it takes to to tango.
We've had our up's, down's and sideways. We are still together.
I guess my point is that we may have had our issues even if I never fell head first into the arms of addiction. It's not easy living with someone day after day, witnessing all their uglies that they hide from the rest of the world.
You are still the same you that you were before your addiction and tussle with the SBON. He's no better than you, and you are no worse than him for your experience. You walked into hell and faced your demons head on, and lived to tell the tale. In my opinion that's a pretty amazing feat of fortitude and strength of character. Congratulations for your achievement.
This may be a cycle - one of many - of regular up's and downs a couple has. I can't say for sure since I don't know you, but I do know there are plenty of things of there that occur to put pressure on a marriage and/or relationship.
There are still times I feel like just walking away, and others where things are not so bad - and others still that things are just fine. It may all be part of living with another person for so long in a committed relationship.
One thing I did eventually do for me was establish a line in the sand: that I was human and made mistakes just like anyone else - including him. I made clear that I was not less for what I had went through, and I would not continue to allow poor treatment as a result. Sometimes I have to reclarify this (he tends to forget, so I gladly remind him). After all, all of that intense counseling was not wasted on me.
I wish you well - you deserve it. You also deserve some kindness, and forgiveness. You can't change the past; you can only alter the present, and it sounds like you are working hard at doing that and doing a fine job of it too. I hope he eventually realizes that also, and that he himself has to meet you half of the way. Good things take effort, they don't just fall out of the sky and happen.
Thank you so much for your story. Things are a little better now thank God. I'm starting to see a glimpse of the wonderful man I married 25 years ago. And he's starting to see the part of me he loves. I guess it just takes time , and effort. Hard to believe that 2 years ago on this day I almost overdosed then went into rehab a few days later. I have so much to be thankful for , and I AM. Good luck to you also . This is a hard pill to swallow to say the least , and it sounds like you've come a long long way!
Hopefully my case with the BON will come up soon so I can get started with everything . I've heard from another person who went through something similar that it takes longer for the BON to review everything if the DEA is involved , I have a case with the DEA ( and a criminal lawyer) that's approaching 2 years and so far nothing has been done , the lawyer and I have met with the DEA agent once - about a year and a half ago- and haven't heard from them since. Strange huh? I'm praying the time passes right on by , my lawyer says there's a 2 year statue of limitations s with the DEA . So I'm praying hard!
Happy thanksgiving to you and your family! ♥ï¸â™¥ï¸â™¥ï¸
I have some experience with law enforcement and usually if they are going to charge you with something they do so quickly. As time goes on memories fade and witnesses are less reliable and harder to find. Most likely if the DEA was going to charge you it would have already been done
After all, all of that intense counseling was not wasted on me.
mississippiRN71
433 Posts
Thanks for sharing. You're right, I can't change him. Things are a little better now and I'm thankful for that.