My husband will be starting school next month, and all I hear is how busy it's going to be (which I know) and how I will be doing EVERYTHING when it comes to kids/house ect. I have heard this all before, and (I hope) I am ready for it... I just need some tips to get through it all. We have 2 kids, 2 1/2 and 4 1/2, I will be working .6 (12 hour every other weekend and a few eves) to minimize child care, and I am also on the short end on a waiting list for nursing school. We are living with my folks to off set cost of living, but am not expecting too much help with the house (hubby and I have been doing all the work to this point as we are paying minimal rent) and kids (other then scheduled day care hours we pay my dad for during work/school hours) What are your spouses doing to keep themselves sane, and not down your throats? Oh, and me putting school on hold is NOT an option!!! I understand he will be making more money, but at one point we could only afford for one of us to go to school, and he went. It's supposed to be my turn, but we of course couldn't pass up the opportunity when he got accepted, so we're dealing. Thanks for any and all tips!
Specializes in Med Surg, SSU, ED, P/NICU, Epilepsy.
Wow. Where to start... I appreatiate the sympathy, but I feel misunderstood. This path is something my husband has been on since shortly after I met him. At 19, he knew he wanted to be a CRNA. After returning from the mitary, (reservist) we both began generals. I began working as a CNA he as a Anesthesia aide. I had difficult cases working in LEDs that took me off the path of nursing for a but but found my way back. After buying a home that we couldn't afford both working part time. I quit school to work full time and he continued working .5 while inthe nursing program. Baby 1 followed, slowi g me down. My indecisive past began to haunt me as I was rejected time after time. He finished his ASN and was hired as a new grad into a PICU. My second reject, we decided to have baby2 and he took a couple classes for his BSN. He completed that, and I got reject 3. There was no point in holding him back, so I told him to apply. Despite the very competitive program he got in. I am now waitlist #5 before the class has been finalized and will likely get in for spring.
Any resentment comes from the suggestion "when it is your turn.." that I should pass on my opportunity. We have been a team since we met 10 years ago, and do not feel our marriage has ever been at risk. It will be hard, but if single moms can do it, why can't two busy spouses?
I see several red flags....one of which is living w/ your parents. Also, like someone else mentioned, I am not sure you are completely on board with him going to school. It is doable...been there / done that....kept a marriage together in the process (celebrated our 22nd anniv. this summer). Was it hard?? You bet...at times it felt almost unbearable. I put my hubby thru med school many years ago. Actually, his first year of med school, i was in my last year of nursing school....and we had a toddler. I graduated from nursing school at the end of his first year of med school. Our daugther was 2 1/2. I then worked full time and had another baby early in his 3rd yr. HOW did we do it?? We scheduled family time...he actually WROTE it on his schedule...and that time was sacred. We scheduled time as a couple...the same....was sacred. We also talked to couples who had went thru med school married...we both had realistic expectations of what it would be.....and it was OUR dream...we did it together. He often studied holding one of our daughters....even took her to class with him a few times...lol...I helped him study...quizzed him...drilled him, at times even during dinner to help him prepare for an exam. Were there times it was hard...yepp..you bet. On Mothers Day, 1995 he graduated. Our oldest was 5 1/2 and went to her daddys graduation...she still remembers it. What I will tell you is we took one semester at a time. We planned "rewards" for us at the end of each semester....a special date...or a family day hiking...SOMETHING we were both able to look foreward to. I can honestly say there was only 2 months that I felt like a single mom...his surgery rotations....BUT we understood TOGETHER that our kids needed BOTH parents...not just a mommy who worked full time. I am now preparing to go back for my Masters...again, just like it was when he went to med school...the goal is OURS...not just mine. The dream is OURS....and he will help me study and support me as I did him.
One of the things I remember most about his first year of med school is him coming home from class in Sept. I was working on a nursing process paper..sitting at the typewriter, crying. I could not get the electric typewriter to do whatever I REALLY needed it to do. We did not have a PC...early 1990s. He calmly asked me for my paper. He took it that evening to the computer lab at the med center (was for the med students) and proofed and typed it for me. After that, he typed ALL of my papers for me for the rest of the year. That spoke VOLUMES of how much he loved me. He was crazy busy with his own classses, yet he made sure i was taken care of.
I can tell you more HOW we did it...how we made it work....but your marriage has to be priority...above school...then the kids...then school. Get a routine. We would both get home about 5pm (during his first 2 yrs of med school)..we would have dinner...play with the kids...baths ect. The kids and I would go to bed at 8-8:30...and he would study until midnight every night. One day on the weekend was his to study....library if he needed it...the other day, we scheduled at least a half day as family time.
Hope this helps....happy to talk to you more. years later, his memories of those years are blurred...I carry those memories...for US. Yes I remember him telling me that he felt like he could never study enough....yes, I remember his excitment during anatomy....but also how he was unable to eat chicken that entire year...and how he REAKED of formaldahyde every time he had anatomy lab. I remember his struggles during pharm...his passion and excitment during cardiology...his frustration during biochem. Even years later, those memories are clear. Remember his taking our daughter to Histology lecture....I was in clinicals that day..she was sick enough not to be able to go to the sitter, but could go to class w/ him (ears)...he sat up in the balcony w/ other med students who were parents and who would also on occass bring their kids to class....the prof put slides of cells up on the over head....our daughter loudly called out "balloons, Daddy"...and a few min later "More balloons Daddy"...the prof was not too impressed but that was okay...:). That particular daughter will be a senior in nursing school this fall and joking talks about how she was raised in medicine and nursing since she was an infant and learned it by osmosis....lol
I know this is long..hope it helps.....happy to talk with you more.....
My husband will be starting school next month, and all I hear is how busy it's going to be (which I know) and how I will be doing EVERYTHING when it comes to kids/house ect. I have heard this all before, and (I hope) I am ready for it... I just need some tips to get through it all. We have 2 kids, 2 1/2 and 4 1/2, I will be working .6 (12 hour every other weekend and a few eves) to minimize child care, and I am also on the short end on a waiting list for nursing school. We are living with my folks to off set cost of living, but am not expecting too much help with the house (hubby and I have been doing all the work to this point as we are paying minimal rent) and kids (other then scheduled day care hours we pay my dad for during work/school hours) What are your spouses doing to keep themselves sane, and not down your throats? Oh, and me putting school on hold is NOT an option!!! I understand he will be making more money, but at one point we could only afford for one of us to go to school, and he went. It's supposed to be my turn, but we of course couldn't pass up the opportunity when he got accepted, so we're dealing. Thanks for any and all tips!
inpatiently, you are in a very tough situation, and I don't envy you. Is this a case where he is already a nurse, and going on for an advanced degree? What about you?
The decision to work while pursuing a nursing degree is a tough one. Overall, nursing programs recommend that their RN/BSN students do not work, but if it is an absolute necessity, that it be limited to no more than 16 hours/per week. However, other factors have to be considered:
--how academically demanding the programs is
--distance he will have to travel to/from school (can make a huge difference)
--class schedule (i.e., are they scheduled 1 per day, every day, from noon to 2:00, or 2 days/week, from 7:30 am to 3:00 pm?)
--his basic skills as a student (i.e., is he focused and disciplined, or does his attention wander/have trouble keeping to schedule?)
--start date and length of clinicals, and travel distance
It might help if you both go to visit the advisors (financial/academic) at his program with a list of questions regarding the academic/clinical demands, and let him/her help you balance those against your domestic needs and financial situation. Difficult as this may be, as much as possible, you both have to be on the same page about how you are going to handle the demands. Which means you both have to be involved in planning exactly how each challenge will be met, no matter who is ultimately going to handle it. That is the only way that he will fully realize what you are up against, and vice versa.
Stress to him that a failure to plan properly and realistically will almost certainly result in his inability to complete the program. And don't let him try to tell you that he needs to focus totally on school right now so that he can provide a better life for you and the kids in the future. That's the line that you give your college girlfriend when she's trying to get you to ditch studying for organic chemistry in order to take her to a party.
It's too late for that scenario. The children are here now. They can't be put into animated suspension for a couple years while he goes to school, and neither can his family responsibilities. While it may not be the best thing for him to work at all while attending school, it's not fair to leave you with finding an alternative to shelling out 50% of the sole family paycheck for health insurance.
One additional thing: if you haven't done so, contact/go to website of your state's Labor Relations Board. Many states are offering a lot of financial help to nursing students. Some of the programs are NOT based on need; they stem from the state's concern about an existing/anticipated nursing shortage. Some just cover tuition and books, others cover that and living expenses, also. Many are not grants or loans; instead you promise to work within the state for a limited period of time following graduation.
I admire what you are doing, and wish your family the best. Just be sure that you guys give yourselves a fair shot at this.
Specializes in Med Surg, SSU, ED, P/NICU, Epilepsy.
Tonie, while your time management/ scheduling tips are great, Im not sure you are fully reading my posts. WE have been working for this for 10 years. He knew what he wanted from the beginning I did not so WE decided I would be the one to work. After I did not get in I decided not to hold him back and he applied. I HAVE been behind him 100%. Why would I not be? I knew this is what he wanted shortly after we met, and I am after all bound to benefit from his future 6 figure salary. He did offer not to apply, but then what if I don't get in again? I have been this close before... Then a year or more is wasted.
And I don't understand why living with my parents is a red flag??? We rented out our home when he applied and moved in a year ago and have been able to save $27,000. We have a nest egg and are GREATLY reducing our amount of student loans. Yea there is some added stress with it, but my dad provides our child care, and it minimizes the financial worries. Again, my resentment comes from all the gloom and doom, (put your education on hold or your marriage will fail) BS that is quite frankly, starting too **** me off
Wow. Where to start... I appreatiate the sympathy, but I feel misunderstood. This path is something my husband has been on since shortly after I met him. At 19, he knew he wanted to be a CRNA. After returning from the mitary, (reservist) we both began generals. I began working as a CNA he as a Anesthesia aide. I had difficult cases working in LEDs that took me off the path of nursing for a but but found my way back. After buying a home that we couldn't afford both working part time. I quit school to work full time and he continued working .5 while inthe nursing program. Baby 1 followed, slowi g me down. My indecisive past began to haunt me as I was rejected time after time. He finished his ASN and was hired as a new grad into a PICU. My second reject, we decided to have baby2 and he took a couple classes for his BSN. He completed that, and I got reject 3. There was no point in holding him back, so I told him to apply. Despite the very competitive program he got in. I am now waitlist #5 before the class has been finalized and will likely get in for spring.
Any resentment comes from the suggestion "when it is your turn.." that I should pass on my opportunity. We have been a team since we met 10 years ago, and do not feel our marriage has ever been at risk. It will be hard, but if single moms can do it, why can't two busy spouses?
inpatiently, i definitely didn't mean to pile it on. That's the problem with online forums. You asked a question fraught with complexities, but there wasn't much info to go on.
It sounds like both of you have worked very hard, and, believe me, with him gaining acceptance into a BSN program, it IS paying off. He sounds like a great guy.
I think that you may be worried about your opportunity to go to nursing school. Your husband's acceptance, in essence, pushed your plans even further into the future, and that is soooo hard to deal with. Tough as it may be, just keep reminding yourself that you WILL go to nursing school. Don't worry about a date; it will only create anxiety. You will go, and that is what's important.
I know that it's hard. Because of the anticipated nursing shortage, and also because there are relatively few nursing programs, prospective nursing students don't have the choices that other college students do. As a result, you automatically start worrying a lot more about whether you're going to get that A you need in Micro, or about missed start dates, or whether regulations will change and affect your chances. You have to put that out of your mind.
You've been waitlisted, and that's a positive thing. Spend this time visiting a variety of nursing programs, either in person, or on the internet or phone. Talk to the advisors about what is involved. Look at the program curricula, and see if there is anything that concerns you. Brush up on your math skills: one of the topics I see on this board frequently deals with complaints from students in the drug calculation classes; even if you've taken it before, you can forget a lot. If you're going to be in the same program as your husband, maybe you can use his syllabi and follow along with what he's doing. I'm not saying to do all the work - I know that you'll be very busy. But you can get a sense of familiarity with the material that will really help those first couple scary months in nursing school.
We're rooting for you!! You guys will BOTH make it!
I'm not married (nor dating), so take my advice with a grain of salt. But I have seen upteen relationships fail, so I have some experience there. I think you are a /touch/ resentful, and I can kind of see why - you've supported DH through multiple bouts of school and are so close to achieving what you want and are afraid of losing it because you're potentially worried about juggling both at once?
There's nothing against moving back in with your parents. Not that I see immediately, anyways - I can imagine it'd be a little weird when you're older, but you can't beat low-cost childcare and the kids get to have bonds with their grandparents.
Good luck to both of you. :) I'd advise scheduling things down to the minute for both of you - Google Calender is a good one I've seen.
Okay - I think we must first consider that the OP is talking about CRNA, not nursing school.
BIG, BIG DIFFERENCE!!
I doubt sincerely if he will be able to work AT ALL. CRNA is a more than full time commitment. You are going to want his downtime to be only about the family.
To factor in a job or even a shift/month is going to be expecting a lot.
I would also tell your husband to contact some other students/grads in the program he is attending.
You are right, it IS YOUR turn - you are being very generous allowing him to pursue this opportunity.
However, in the end, you will have a much better lifestyle (with him as a CRNA versus him as an RN). Its a tough road, but one worth doing financially.
As to living with parents - heck that's smart on your part IMHO. You've saved a substantial amt and that will definitely help to offset expenses while your husband is in school.
I wish you and your family the best of luck. Other families have done it and survived. Few will tell you how much fun it was, but most will agree that the end is well worth it.
Specializes in Med Surg, SSU, ED, P/NICU, Epilepsy.
THANK YOU TraumaRUs!!! You seem to be the only one who has fully read the posts. I appreciate the opinion and will take it to heart. You are right, finically we are ahead, so we can afford for him to be off more then most others would. THANKS!!!
You are very welcome. Although I have no personal experience with CRNA school, my husband was in the military, deployed several times while our sons were young and we were under an awful lot of stress, both financially and emotionally. So, with regards to those aspects, I do speak from experience.
Much depends on open communication - you being able to support your husband and knowing the benefits that await you when he is done.
I sincerely wish you and your family the best. Let us know how it goes.
I did not see anything about CRNA until later in this thread.....yes big difference. I for soem reason although not stated thought nursing. I also thought from your post that you were delaying your education. So yes it will be hard, and stressful.....but if y'all are a team as you say.... you can do anything you set your mind to do. Just keep communication lines open, and encourage each other.
My husband and I have a little signal thing we do when we are a little stressed, or have just had enough, and need a little time or attention from the other.....that way we don't have to go into a big explanation. We decided when we were first married that we would not fight...we might be mad, and ready to kill the other....but as long as we were in the fight frame of mind we would try to keep our mouth shut.....things said in anger are usually meant to hurt the other, and gets you no where fast. It has worked for us for 28 years. I wish you both the best of luck! :)
In regards to living w/ your parents...grad school is stressful...under the BEST of circumstances, it is stressful. Living w/ parents is often stressful. Maybe this is the best for your family. Each family is unique. Only you can answer that one.
Grad school IS doable tho...with a family. Find other couples in the program to connect with...support for you and your hubby. Take each semester one at a time...they WILL fly by. When he gets into rotations, approach each one ..one at a time...will prevent getting overwhelmed by all of it.
As far as working and grad school.....some can handle it, some cant. Maybe stay PRN and work on breaks between semesters?? Or maybe do a shift or so a month.....Until he actually gets into the program, it will be hard to calibrate what he can handle and what he cant.
As far as your marriage...yes, there will be some marriages that wont make it. When you see one end, it will break your heart. That does NOT mean YOUR marriage will end tho. We were told the same....many times..again, had our 22nd anniv this summer. Dont listen to comments about your marriage failing, ect. You and your hubby know YOUR marriage....just be conscious about not letting it get put on the back burner too often....
As far as you and school...going while he does...yes, single parents go to school all the time...BUT they dont have the added work of a marriage...and yes, marriages take work..and time. Hubby and I did it for a year...was crazy for us not to....I only had one year to go to finish my BSN...but yes, it was hard.....looking back tho...prob not much harder than working 40-50 hrs/ wk while he was in school his last 3 yrs....and deciding to have a second baby during that time.....
It will go by fast....can assure you of that....there will be times of frustration for both of you, but will be worth it in the end.
inpatientlywaiting
85 Posts
Wow. Where to start... I appreatiate the sympathy, but I feel misunderstood. This path is something my husband has been on since shortly after I met him. At 19, he knew he wanted to be a CRNA. After returning from the mitary, (reservist) we both began generals. I began working as a CNA he as a Anesthesia aide. I had difficult cases working in LEDs that took me off the path of nursing for a but but found my way back. After buying a home that we couldn't afford both working part time. I quit school to work full time and he continued working .5 while inthe nursing program. Baby 1 followed, slowi g me down. My indecisive past began to haunt me as I was rejected time after time. He finished his ASN and was hired as a new grad into a PICU. My second reject, we decided to have baby2 and he took a couple classes for his BSN. He completed that, and I got reject 3. There was no point in holding him back, so I told him to apply. Despite the very competitive program he got in. I am now waitlist #5 before the class has been finalized and will likely get in for spring.
Any resentment comes from the suggestion "when it is your turn.." that I should pass on my opportunity. We have been a team since we met 10 years ago, and do not feel our marriage has ever been at risk. It will be hard, but if single moms can do it, why can't two busy spouses?