"back up". Need tips on putting hubby through school

trinarn94 · Aug 1, 2011

Hi!

Best of luck to you. We were in somewhat different a situation when I went to nursing school. Hubby and I were buying our first house, and we were both working. I quit my job (a day job) to go to school fulltime days for nursing. I took an evening job (when hubby was home) as a transcriptionist and unit secretary at a hospital to help pay bills. We had 3 kids at home (one in elementary school). I hired a live in housekeeper/nanny to get the kids breakfast, pack lunches, and walk the little one to the bus stop and pick him up there when the bus dropped him off. During the day she cleaned, did the laundry. In the evening she prepared the meals and cleaned up after. It worked out great. I was able to work, go to school and have study time. Hubby participated in sports and hauled the boys around in the afternoon/evenings. I did miss out on some fun times with the kiddos though. It sounds like you have a support system in place living with family, so you should be fine. Just be patient with hubby, because he will feel like he's missing out on time with you and the little ones, but he really needs to focus to get through school. Before you know it, it will be all over, and it will be your turn.

Trina

puttinontheritz · Aug 1, 2011

I could offer all kinds of advice, but I'll save it (you'll find your own ways of making it work.) Just know (I'm sure you do) he will need all of your support. He Will rarely be around and will need to go off by himself to study. I used to go park the car at the lake and do my studying. You'll all feel like you're losing your minds but it will be worth it.

inpatientlywaiting · Aug 1, 2011

How unreasonable would i be if I wanted him to pick up a shift or 2 per month? I'm going to have to pick up our medical, and it's going to eat about half my pay check. I was hoping at least one shift would off set this... He tells me no. Your thoughts?

crb613, BSN, RN · Aug 1, 2011

How unreasonable would i be if I wanted him to pick up a shift or 2 per month? I'm going to have to pick up our medical, and it's going to eat about half my pay check. I was hoping at least one shift would off set this... He tells me no. Your thoughts?

Not unreasonable at all....don't see why he can't work at least part time and go to school....of course its between y'all. Just remember don't ask for something that you will not be willing to do when its your turn.....as far as the children he is still their dad, and will need to make time for them also. Just my :twocents:

inpatientlywaiting · Aug 1, 2011

Part time I do think will be a but much... I hear a lot of people fail out if they work part time. I just want 1 shift. It sounds like the program was no problem for you... What did you find helped your time management?

And I just want to mention, it IS my turn NOW. I'm making it work so he can go as well. I am not putting anything on hold.

TonieRN · Aug 1, 2011

What is he going to school for? That will help let you know HOW much time to expect him to have and whether or not he will be able to work part time. How many classes/ credit hours will he be taking? It IS doable...DID it..with a toddler and an infant. When hubby went back, i was in my last yr of nursing school...had a 2 yr old...and both of us worked 20-24 hrs a week.

inpatientlywaiting · Aug 1, 2011

If this post was moved I am unaware. He will be going for CRNA. 40 hours/week class time alone. 2-3 tests a week, 2 rotations his second year where he will have to be away fro home for 3 weeks at a time. It's very intense.

kids · Aug 1, 2011

If this post was moved I am unaware. He will be going for CRNA. 40 hours/week class time alone. 2-3 tests a week, 2 rotations his second year where he will have to be away fro home for 3 weeks at a time. It's very intense.

Honestly I wouldn't expect him to work even one shift until he is well settled into the school routine. He's looking at 40 hours a week just in class time, with you working weekends and some evenings with him doing the child care that isn't going to be effective study time for him.

applewhitern, BSN, RN · Aug 1, 2011

I had to work full-time while attending school. I had a husband who worked also, and 2 small kids, but I did not qualify for any financial aid. It was very hard, and I became resentful of my husband because he insisted I work. I felt that my kids suffered because they literally lived with babysitters, and finally in my last semester, I quit work. I don't think my husband understood nursing school was a total commitment, and I had to drive one hour each way for classes. I still had to keep house, cook, take kids to their sports activities, etc. Needless to say, this marraige failed. As soon as I got my RN and a job, I was outta there! There were several divorces in my class, so I was not alone in this. If I had it to do all over again, I would put my kids and my marraige first, period. I feel like I missed out on my kids childhood. I don't mean to sound so depressing, but please do put your family first.

plasmatix · Aug 1, 2011

I had to work full-time while attending school. I had a husband who worked also, and 2 small kids, but I did not qualify for any financial aid. It was very hard, and I became resentful of my husband because he insisted I work. I felt that my kids suffered because they literally lived with babysitters, and finally in my last semester, I quit work. I don't think my husband understood nursing school was a total commitment, and I had to drive one hour each way for classes. I still had to keep house, cook, take kids to their sports activities, etc. Needless to say, this marraige failed. As soon as I got my RN and a job, I was outta there! There were several divorces in my class, so I was not alone in this. If I had it to do all over again, I would put my kids and my marraige first, period. I feel like I missed out on my kids childhood. I don't mean to sound so depressing, but please do put your family first.

applewhitern, I don't find your post depressing. It's realistic. People often confuse the terms because when they encounter the REALITIES of life that they weren't expecting, it can really knock them down. It can incapacitate them much more than if they had gone into a situation expecting it to be appropriately tough. I'm sure that you are a stronger woman as a result of your experiences, but I am sorry that you had to watch your marriage end in the process.

The decision to return to school, especially to a nursing program, should be well-thought out and arrived at by BOTH members of a couple. If both people are not fully committed to the decision, and not focused on the ultimate goal, they are putting the success of the returning student at risk. Nursing programs are incredibly tough, and have demands that conventional college programs don't. There are the traditional academic requirements, but there is a significant portion of schoolwork that requires demonstrations of your ability to think critically (which, according to research findings, is an ability that is absent in up to 60% of the adult population). On top of that there are the physical, emotional, and mental demands and major time commitments of clinical rotations. All this is difficult for a young single childless student to handle; working parents have to find the inner strength and resources to deal with the needs/wants of their children and spouse, along with a job.

Your description of your experience tells about your husband's demand that you continue to maintain a job, and failure to recognize the multitude of demands you were expected to meet. I don't know you, but I was in a situation where my (now ex-) husband behaved in a similar way. It took me years to realize that it was his way of sabotaging my efforts, causing a situation in which I would "fail". He "let" me go to school, while setting up all kinds of roadblocks.

I feel for the poster, but I definitely perceived a strong undertone of resentment throughout her post. Even if she and her husband really love each other, if she is not 100% behind his return to school, they will run into major problems that will result in irreparable harm to the marriage. She may have a completely valid reason for her resentful feelings: this may be her husband's 3rd try at a different career, or it might be that she believes there is little economic future in his degree choice. She may be resentful because she has a shot at schooling that will bring her family greatly improved economic prospects, yet she's giving that up to support what she believes are his "pie-in-the-sky" goals. Regardless of what the motivation is, she has to sort it out NOW. She and he have to BOTH agree on which path of action (i.e., whether he OR she is going to return to school now) is most likely going to get them on a secure financial footing, and enable them to pay the basic expenses of raising their family. If she is going along with his return to school emotionally, but not mentally, she risks destroying not only his career goals, but also her own.

I wish her the best, and honestly hope it all works out for her. In the meantime, congratulations on your achievement, and thanks for having the empathy to paint an accurate picture of what it takes to acquire a nursing degree while balancing a multitude of demands.

Katie5 · Aug 1, 2011

I had to work full-time while attending school. I had a husband who worked also, and 2 small kids, but I did not qualify for any financial aid. It was very hard, and I became resentful of my husband because he insisted I work. I felt that my kids suffered because they literally lived with babysitters, and finally in my last semester, I quit work. I don't think my husband understood nursing school was a total commitment, and I had to drive one hour each way for classes. I still had to keep house, cook, take kids to their sports activities, etc. Needless to say, this marraige failed. As soon as I got my RN and a job, I was outta there! There were several divorces in my class, so I was not alone in this. If I had it to do all over again, I would put my kids and my marraige first, period. I feel like I missed out on my kids childhood. I don't mean to sound so depressing, but please do put your family first.

Nursing school is not the end of the world, families should come first. I'm not saying ditch nursing school but at least find time to make out for families.

And I don't believe anyone is going to read for the whole month- one shift in 30days is not asking for too much.