"Atypical" Nurse? How discouraging...

SweetLemon · Jun 1, 2009

WOW!?!?! I am a few years younger the you are but in a very similar situation and get a lot of people stating that they are envious of my freedom and ability to come and go as I please. I am wondering if these nurses who are making these cutting remarks to you are possibly a bit jelous of you. Regardless through they really need to learn to mind their own business. I know many of nurses who are single and well into their 50s and 60s who are fabulous nurses, provide excellent patient care and are never questioned by patients or their families about the choices they have made. And when was it required that we tell patients our background, marital status, if we have kids or not.

I suspect I will probably get a lot of flack for saying this but what the heck.... Nurses who use the mommy card and assume that because they have children that they are better nurses then those who don't have children dive me nuts! :chair: Having children before being a nurse does not make you better or more qualified and in some instances can pose as a hinderance to your work if you are one of those people constantly calling in favors "I am going to be late AGAIN today could not get the kids to daycare on time this morning". Please dont misunderstand me I work with many moms who are incredible nurses and never allow their home life to interrupt their work life and to be honest we all have little hiccups every now and again and need a bit of a grace period. I believing having children can make you a more well rounded person going into nursing and that can make you a better nurse but so can joining the peace-corps or getting a degree in psychology it all comes together and acts as strengths to your nursing practice as a whole. :twocents:

sunray12 · Jun 1, 2009

hello!
i'll be 30 next year, and i'm unmarried with no children. i'd spent my early career years in a field where that was an advantage (i moved intercity/internationally often). right after uni i'd done a year in americorps that really planted the seeds of nursing in my head, and now i'm finally doing what i feel i should. but! now that i've jumped in and started my pre-nursing track i've been absolutely shocked by the negativity i've been getting from nurses and nursing students i've met recently - due to my choice of lifestyle.
i was asked the other day by an rn family friend how i could possibly be thinking about going into nursing when i couldn't even be selfless enough to take care of a child. couple of weeks ago i was even told that patients wouldn't trust me as much if they thought i "hated men and children" (!!!!), and that getting hired would be harder since "family life shows that you're a reliable, caring person". these are just a handful of negative opinions i've been served, and they're certainly jarring.
i'm hoping this kind of attitude is just due to the region i live in now. but it's making me feel truly awful. is it that strange to find a single, childless person over 30 in nursing? and is there really that strong of a general impression that a single woman is an inadequate caregiver?

maybe having a child (or children) was the experience that got this particular rn to the point where she was empathetic enough to go into nursing. but she doesn't have to assume it works that way for everybody. i don't think florence nightingale had children so clearly that was not her motivation. some people project a lot so there's no reason to internalize what they say. as for the people i know who've done time hospitals they could care less about whether their nurse has kids or not - they care that they are treated right. they remember nurses who were nice to them and helpful when they have questions.

personally my hat's off to all the nurses who pull off nursing school and working as floor nurses while raising small children. one of my aunts is a career nurse and has 7 kids. there is no way i could do that.

angel337, MSN, RN · Jun 1, 2009

people are nuts......that's all i really have to say.

rngolfer53 · Jun 1, 2009

Hello!
I'll be 30 next year, and I'm unmarried with no children. I'd spent my early career years in a field where that was an advantage (I moved intercity/internationally often). Right after uni I'd done a year in AmeriCorps that really planted the seeds of nursing in my head, and now I'm finally doing what I feel I should. But! Now that I've jumped in and started my pre-nursing track I've been absolutely shocked by the negativity I've been getting from nurses and nursing students I've met recently - due to my choice of lifestyle.
I was asked the other day by an RN family friend how I could possibly be thinking about going into nursing when I couldn't even be selfless enough to take care of a child. Couple of weeks ago I was even told that patients wouldn't trust me as much if they thought I "hated men and children" (!!!!), and that getting hired would be harder since "family life shows that you're a reliable, caring person". These are just a handful of negative opinions I've been served, and they're certainly jarring.
I'm hoping this kind of attitude is just due to the region I live in now. But it's making me feel truly awful. Is it that strange to find a single, childless person over 30 in nursing? And is there really that strong of a general impression that a single woman is an inadequate caregiver?

Good lord, where do you live? Being a guy, I don't get the same reaction for being single, but I don't see the attitude you've encountered where I live.

It's a false syllogism that states only those who care for children are good caregivers. Every stage/situation in life presents problems that can detract from nursing duties.

Moreover, there is no reason for your patients to know what your personal life is. It doesn't advance the therapeutic relationship in most cases.

Don't let those with foolish opinions on this dictate your choice. Easier to say than do, I know.

Best of luck to you.

cursedandblessed · Jun 1, 2009

i've been married for 15+ years, we don't have children for one reason and one reason only. my husband was an active alcoholic until 5 years ago, i'd seen what living in that had done to him and his siblings-one sister suicide, the other brother constantly having problems between alcohol and drugs all the while his wife denying the problem (i did for a number of years) their children growing up in chaos. i didn't feel it was right to bring a child into the marriage like that. i'm now 43 i don't know if children are in our future or not.

frankly it's no one's business, and anyone who makes such comments is rude and inconsiderate. you never know why someone doesn't have children, whether by choice or because of infertility, to make those types of comments about it to someone shows a lack of caring and consideration.

BeenThereDoneThat74, MSN, RN · Jun 1, 2009

You must know my mom :chuckle (who believe the best indication of success is marital and parenting status). I've found a lot of old friends on facebook, and everytime I tell her who is now my 'friend', guess what the first thing she asks? "Is she married?????". HEAVEN forbid I tell her someone has a kid who is NOT married (BTW, I'm divorced with a child). I finally had to say to her "yeah, it's better to be like me, and have a kid whose life has been turned upside down and lives in two houses." She still doesn't really get it.

I think it is absolutely absurd to think that only married mothers make good nurses.

ArwenEvenstar · Jun 1, 2009

I think this has less to do with nursing and more to do with being childless in general. People without children get flack for it all the time, and I will never understand why it's so offensive to other people when someone decides not to have kids. The comments about how not having children is selfish are among my favorites... they don't even make sense. Plenty of people have children for very selfish reasons, and plenty of people choose NOT to have children for SELFLESS reasons. In the end, it doesn't matter whether you were selfish or not, because it's an effing personal decision and no one else's business! Are you HURTING anyone by being single and childless? I think not. Meanwhile there are people all over the world making babies who will be abused, neglected, etc., but YOU'RE the selfish one.
If someone wants kids, has them, raises them in a great environment to be good people, then power to them. But it has absolutely nothing to do with you.

:loveya: thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you!! I am 38 yrs old, married almost 17 years, and we have no kids. We have infertility, YET we are totally content without kids! We have not pursued fertility treatment ( for a variety of reasons) and have no intent to adopt either....because we are CONTENT without kids. We get flack for it all the time, just like you state. Sometimes the flack is direct, other times indirect. Yes, I agree that "Plenty of people have children for very selfish reasons, and plenty of people choose NOT to have children for SELFLESS reasons." Again, thank you!

I have found that if you do ANYTHING in life that is not the "norm" - you will get flack!! You "must" get married, have kids, and own a home. If you don't do any of these things in a "proper time frame" the comments start.... But I don't want to get started!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OP, I think this response is right on..."I think this has less to do with nursing and more to do with being childless in general." OP: ENJOY your life! And ignore the comments!!!

Comments about how the childfree are selfish really irritate me. I care, and I like to make a difference in the world. I am heavily involved in community volunteer work...Could write a long paragraph about all the charity work I have done. Including helping with disadvantaged kids. If I had kids of my own, I likely would NOT have the time to do all the volunteer work....Come to think of it, many of the people I have volunteered with over the years either did not have kids or their kids were grown....

AOx1 · Jun 1, 2009

I typically turn back the question on the rude questioner. For example, if someone asks "Why don't you have children? Don't you think it's your duty to procreate?" I will tell them "I think it's my duty to be kind and loving to those I meet, including contributing charitably to assist the 16,000 children who die daily due to starvation. I can provide contact information for helpful charities if you'd like."

I've found people don't typically ask me such nonsense more than once. I don't care what someone does in their own bed, who they wake up next to, or how many babies they do or don't have. It's not my business unless I am sleeping with them or supporting the babies. On the rare occasion when someone persists, I ask them why they are so interested in my sex life and my inclination to procreate.

I especially detest comments like "You don't really know what love is unless you've had a child!" Yes, actually I do. It is love that drives me to teach nursing students when I could make twice as much still working at the hospital. It is a show of my love when I have had the privilege to be the first face a baby sees when they enter the world, or the last hand someone holds when they leave it. I have love with my husband of many years, and with my caring friends and family. I don't need someone else's approval or permission to lead my fulfilled and happy life.

I think having children is a wonderful blessing if that's what you want to do, but I happen to not want that.

beachbutterfly · Jun 1, 2009

I think those are the people who for one never fully matured ,secondly they like to cause drama,third envious of your lifestyle and fourth primitive.

shocker29 · Jun 1, 2009

Sometimes you wish you could just put someone's foot in their mouth for them...

I had my children when I was 17 and 19. (Husband and father of kids had a 2 year old already too.) People ask me if I am married and have kids, and I get, WHAT?? HOW OLD ARE YOU?!?! HOW OLD ARE THEY?!?! WOW, YOU SURE STARTED YOUNG!!!!!

Some people have nothing better to do then insert their opinions into other people's lives. We could find something in everyone of their lives to criticize too if we tried. I would love to see the look on someone's face, if when they said, "Oh you must not be very caring if you don't have kids.., " you would say, "Right, like how you must not be very caring because you're rude..." :)

You are spending countless hours taking care of complete strangers, sacrificing many times your body and sanity in the process.... is that not caring enough?

You'll do fine. Hang in there. They're still working on that "rudeness" vaccine. :coollook:

HippyGreenPeaceChick · Jun 1, 2009

Well Darjeeling, I am also 30, childless, unmarried, Nor even looking for that kind of involvement in my life. Nut I am a good, kind caring, female who also had a little different than usual set of life experiences. All of which have made me stronger and more capable of taking care of my patients.

Bottom line is, do not pay attention to nay sayers. Life is better being yourself and not what others want you to be.

PeachPie · Jun 1, 2009

What a load of crap. You are not the sum of your left ring finger and uterus. I'm in my 20s, unmarried, and do not ever want kids. Some of my coworkers have been surprised that I'm helping put my 5 younger siblings through school and helping my parents financially rather than blow my money on clothes, purses, and Vegas trips. Unfortunately, part of this respect has to do with the fact that my life involves a high value on kids, which goes to prove the stigmatization.

I LOVE the comebacks on this thread, like the starving children charity, and the fact the Florence Nightingale was a lifelong childfree bachelorette.