I'm new to the boards. I started what I thought was my dream job a few months ago. I live in Georgia. I've finally come to terms that I'm an addict and though I've tried in the past to overcome it I haven't managed to do it on my own. I actually started with drugs at a very young age. I was 4 or 5 when I began huffing gasoline. I would still huff aerosol cans and glue up until I was 8 I think. I didn't do any drugs again until I graduated high school and started to smoke pot. I quit for a time in nursing school. The last couple of semesters I was taking ambien to sleep. When I graduated and passed boards I was ecstatic. However it took almost a year to find a job. During that time my dad ragged me for not being able to find one. I came out of school in the middle of the recession. I would spend my days helping him at rental houses and my nights putting in applications. I started taking ambien and staying up to stay high. I found my first job, moved out after my first paycheck and didn't use any drugs for a year. This was February 2011. I met my now ex girlfriend (who I will discuss shortly) at a New Years Party 2012.
I first started diverting drugs at my first job (2 years) the last few months I worked there. I ended up having to resign before they fired me for too many call outs. I had a girlfriend at the time who was a binge drinker and we would stay up drinking late into the night, many times during week days or nights before I worked until I couldn't go to work for lack of sleep or being hung over. Her mom and her were chronic weed smokers. Sooner or later I started smoking with them. My girlfriend quit because her job started doing random drug tests. Our relationship was really rocky, my job very stressful (nurses who have been working for 30+ years told me it was the worst place they've ever worked at), and I suffer from extreme anxiety and depression since I was a kid. Sooner or later it all caught up with me and I became addicted to being high. If I wasn't sneaking weed, it was drinking with my girlfriend.
We went on vacation and she spotted somebody on the beach. This guy had drew a circle around him, when she asked him what was up he said Molly. He gave us some and the next day I bought some from him. She started having anxiety for the first time in her life shortly before this. The next day coming off the Molly was giving her severe anxiety and she told me to flush them down the toilet. I didn't and continued to take them on vacation. Drugs started to become a compulsion as I'm sure all addicts are aware of. Despite my better judgement, my morals, common sense and just the kind of person I was, I started to do them compulsively. I would think I'm not going to drink, or smoke weed or whatever else I could get my hands on... but sure enough if it was around I would. My girlfriend would have anxiety the day after drinking, though she continued to drink, she stopped smoking pot because of the anxiety and fear of losing her job. I've had depression and anxiety issues my whole life and I guess when I first started using I thought the drugs helped me cope. I have social anxiety and the Molly seemed to make me happy and talkative... I was forgetting that one of the reason I chose to do nursing is to overcome this naturally. Soon they stopped working like this and I had to have more and more.
Despite my better judgement I continued. The last couple of months before I quit my first job I started to divert pain medicine and benzo's. It started with pills that were meant to be wasted. Before I knew it I was pulling out medicine on the dot and taking it myself. I never let a patient go in pain, but if that happened I would pull out meds for the patient that needed them but pull meds for a patient that didn't and use that one. Soon I had advanced to actually shooting pain meds IV. It was getting bad. I wanted to quit, even bought a few books on my kindle so I could read them on my laptop and phone. My health was taking a turn for the worse mentally and physically. But no matter how many times I told myself I wouldn't use again soon I was doing it again, many times I wouldn't even notice it till afterwards. My performance at work dropped, I took many smoke breaks to my car and would take long bathroom breaks to shoot the drugs. After too many call outs I got a call saying the manager wanted to meet me in HR on a day I was scheduled to work. I was told that I was taking off the schedule. I resigned that day.
Relapse and Getting Caught
I stayed clean from weed and other drugs for a month while I looked for a job but I still drank occasionally. Then I got an interview with a very prestigious hospital, working in a specialty I needed for my masters. My future was looking brighter than ever. Then I started work and soon after my pre-employment drug screen I celebrated by smoking some weed. What was supposed to be a one time thing soon turned chronic again. I was horrified at myself when I started to divert drugs at this hospital. I had my dream job, bought a new car and moved away from my girlfriend so I could get away from the pot. Soon my consumption at this new job almost equaled my old job. I smoked weed with my girlfriend's cousin a week before getting caught as they came up to visit me at the apartment. The night I got caught I had a patient on a fentanyl drip and I had tried to disconnect the tubing and withdraw some from the line. This spilled fentanyl on the floor. I reconnected it quickly. I had a spare fentanyl bottle that the previous nurse withdrew and I popped the top to that and withdrew some in a syringe. I was still on orientation and preceptor was away. I went to the bathroom and shot what I had... again horrified at what I was doing. I wrapped the syringes up in paper towels and threw them away in the trash. My preceptor immediately noticed that the fentanyl level was off and I had suspicious behavior. I told her I knocked into the line and it spilled on the floor, which it did when I disconnected it. She reported me to the charge nurse. I sensed something was up and went in the bathroom, I saw 2 sets of gloves in the trash. I searched desperately for the syringes but I couldn't find them.
An hour later my manager shows up at 12 AM with security and I was escorted off the floor back to her office. I felt like my heart was about to beat out of my chest but I thought maybe I can finally get some help. She explained that some of the drug was off and the preceptor reported to the charge nurse. She said they found 2 syringes, one of them a used TB syringe (that I used to shoot) in the trash. She said is this how it happened and I said yes. I was driving by security to a testing center. I just got the results back a few days ago. I only came up positive for marijuana. I was officially terminated today. I had an appointment for an FSAP counselor next week but that was through the hospital so I'll have to call the employee health nurse tomorrow to see what other resources are available to me. I know I need help and in a way I think I wanted to get caught. I just didn't know how to get help myself and thought I could still do it by myself. I actually bought 4 or 5 books on quitting drugs a week before I was caught. But when I got to work that night I acted despite my better judgement, morals, or who I really am as a person. I feel disgusted with myself but I do want to get better and I'm just thankful to God that I didn't kill myself or someone else.
Losing My Dream Job
My manager said today that I should notify the board and let them know what is going on so it shows I am being proactive. Which I have been, I went to NA on Monday and I'll go to a meeting this Saturday. I do want help to overcome this and I know I can but I don't want to lose my license. I'm done with drugs, I see how no matter how bad it gets, drugs will only make it worse.
My questions are: How do I go about self reporting? I only tested positive for marijuana, will that have any say in the matter? I never admitted to taking the drugs just that the preceptor found the syringes in the bathroom. Should I hire an attorney? And how? I'm a new and young nurse with only 2 1/2 years experience and as you can see I don't have a very good start but I know I can get through this and do some good in this world. This has been an eye opener and I know if I get the right help I can be the best nurse I can possibly be. I just need some resources. Are there any RN's from Georgia currently going through the same thing that can offer some guidance?
Sorry for the book I just wrote. I just wanted to give the whole story. Thanks for reading
