Please help me understand

Nurses Safety

Published

Some time ago, the topic of spousal abuse came up on this site. A member told us the story of her abusive marriage. When she was eighteen, she met an older man who told her that he had abused other women in the past, but things would be different with her. She married him, and eventually left him because of his abusive behavior.

Here's what I don't understand. He told her he had a history of abuse -- that's like a big red flashing sign: "I will end up abusing you, too". Yet she still married him. Why would a woman do that?

Please do not reply to this thread by telling me what a hard, cold, unfeeling person I am. I do not want to minimize the difficulties this woman has gone through. I know that it's always easy to condemn someone else when you don't know the whole story. If I had faced the challenges this woman has faced, I might have made the same choice to marry the guy. I'm not trying to look down on anyone. I just don't understand how you could marry a man who basically told you right out that he would beat you -- and then stay with him through years of brutal treatment. Please help me walk in someone else's shoes.

Specializes in hospice.

Thank you for understanding. What I really want to see is the age of the studies, because of course DV prevention and advocacy has come a long way just since the 1970s, and who's done them, to screen for advocacy research. I don't want another fiction gaining currency like the claim that DV goes up on Super Bowl Sunday, which was a completely made-up claim with no basis, yet eagerly spread by an uncritical and agendized media until it was accepted as fact by an equally uncritical public.

Bottom line, abusers are abusers because that is their character, not because they are cops or military, etc.

I do understand. And it is true that the laws and prevention have come a long way since the 70's and 80's. But we still have room to do more.

DV may rise on Super Bowl Sunday but it would not be because of the game! That's silly. If there is an increase in abuse, the cause is far more likely to be that a larger number of people are consuming a larger number of alcoholic beverages. "Booze Rage". The game and the date wouldn't have anything to do with it. I am sure abuse rates rise on the days of any event around which a sizable number of people use alcohol as part of the celebration, like St. Patrick's Day, the evening before Thanksgiving, other holidays, sporting events, etc. I can't imagine there would be any specific relation to abuse and the Super Bowl.

Specializes in hospice.
And it is true that the laws and prevention have come a long way since the 70's and 80's. But we still have room to do more.

No doubt. I don't dispute this in any way.

DV may rise on Super Bowl Sunday but it would not be because of the game!

But it doesn't.

http://www.snopes.com/crime/statistics/superbowl.asp

Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
Just like some people are abusers, some like being the victim.

That is unduly harsh.

Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.

I didn't jump into my abusive marriage when I was 18, but I was able to leave my parents' home when I was 17 and to support myself. At that age, I was desperate to escape the beatings my mother dealt and probably could have been seduced into an abusive marriage just to get out of there.

If he knocked you flat on the first date, there wouldn't be a second. It happens gradually enough that you're sucked all the way In to the situation before he declares himself as an abuser.

Specializes in hospice.
Because Love is blind...and deaf...and dumb...

Actually, REAL love isn't.

Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
Actually, REAL love isn't.

When you're young, or in a bad home situation, love IS blind, deaf and dumb. Especially if you think it's going to get you out of your nasty home situation.

I was 16. I stayed for 7 years because I had zero self esteem. He always said no man would want me. Told me i couldn't make it on my own. I was the one working all the time. Funny enough, i did. And guess who tried to come back? Yep, that pitful leach. My new spouse poured confidence on me, put me through nursing school.But, ittook 7 years to learn that. And what made my mind up was a friend telling me I was going to be in a body bag. Put chills in my bones, cause I knew she was right.

I give up with this auto correct crap on my phone. Sorry about my poor grammar on my last post.

Love is blind. People get in denial.

Specializes in ED, Medicine, Case Management.

Great write up that gives perspective on why people stay in abusive relationships: 19 #WhyIStayed Tweets That Everyone Needs to See - Mic

+ Add a Comment