Please Help Me!

[Curious1alwys, BSN, RN]

I really need some advice, and I would really, really appreciate it.

I am scheduled to enter NS in July. I have posted here before about my uncertainty that nursing is for me. I try to keep in the front of my mind the fact that you can do so many things once you get a nursing degree. I try to remember my love of science, health, and medicine. I read the posts here for encouragement that forces me onward in this career pursuit. However, when I tell people I am going to be going to nursing school I don't feel proud. I feel kind of silly, actually, like I am faking it. Why do I feel that way? Is that a sign? Every time I visit a hospital or a doctors office and see what nurses do, the hands on aspect of it, I think "Do I really want to do this?" and somewhat shudder at the thought of touching people all day. When I think about being around sick people all the time I get depressed, I feel so lifeless myself right now. In general, I have very little patience, very little compassion, and don't like to take care of people. I am more a loner than a socializer and to be honest, oftentimes I see nursing as being so exhausting for the simple fact that you have to be around others all day in such an involved capacity.

To add to my doubts here is some pretty extreme family stress. I have also posted about that before. My life has changed in a few negative ways in the recent past and as a result I was diagnosed with depression last November. I wanted to pursue talk therapy...no drugs......but didn't have good enough insurance. In July, I will be adding to my husband's insurance. He has wonderful psychotherapy benefits and I plan to take full advantage of it. Problem is, I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown all the time now. I cry a lot and worry about my life and where it is going constantly. For example, yesterday all I wanted to do was sit in a dark room, cry, and drink beer. No, I am not an alcoholic, but I always want alcohol when I get down. It is in my genes. My husband and I have talked and he thinks that I have deteriorated since November and told me that he doesn't think I will be able to deal with the stress of NS. I also feel uncertain that I will be able to cope with the stress considering I don't even really know if I want it. But.......I hate to lose my spot. I have been working towards this for years but I guess never really knew if it was for me. I have had gut feelings but kept telling myself that I had to TRY. Now the gut feelings are stronger than ever that maybe this is not right for me, but I am also scared that I am just freaking out over school starting and being so close.

So, I started to think about it. I could also drop from nursing school and take a phlebotomy course this fall. If I do that, I will fall out of the lottery and have to reapply all over again. My question to you is: Given my current psychological condition and my doubts about nursing, do you think I should still give nursing a try? Or, do you think it may be the straw that breaks the camel's back? I also will be working 23 hours per week and have some chronic back issues that are made worse by sitting (I sit at work all day and will sit to study), which doesn't help my mental status.

I just don't know what to do. My program is all lecture first and then clinical later. I am afraid I will push thru lecture and then get to clinical and absolutely hate it! Even when I see the nurses do BP and have to make "small talk" with patients I shudder! Not something I like to do? Was I totally insane to ever think nursing was for me?

Thank you so so so much for reading this!

[z's playa]

In general, I have very little patience, very little compassion, and don't like to take care of people

I think this is your answer right there. (unless this is just you on a down day)

You sound lost and I'm sorry for this. I believe maybe you should take the time and get yourself together before venturing on the path to NSG if that's really what you want to do. And quite frankly it doesn't sound like it's for you judging by your comments.

Get some help. The NSG school isn't going anywhere even if you need to reapply. I think it would be worse if you started it...then couldn't keep up due personal problems and you were forced to drop out or failed. I'm not saying you WOULD fail..just worrisome.

Unfortunatly when you fail a course it shows up on your school record.

:icon_hug:

I hope I don't sound too much like a downer..I'm just being honest.

I feel I can't encourage you in any other direction than the one I just did.I'm sorry if this wasn't the response you were looking for.

Take care of YOU! :)

Z

[stidget99]

I am sorry that you are going through all of this. Unfortunately, only you can answer your question. What might be a good idea is to either get a job (i.e. CNA) or even volunteer in the medical setting while you start in your program. That might give you a better idea if this is the type of setting that you want to be in. If you find out that this setting is not for you, the most you've lost is one semester. But, if you find out that you have a passion for nursing, then you didn't miss your chance in the nursing program.

When you talk to most nurses, we all have some kind of need/desire or passion to "help" people. I honestly think that if I didn't have that very strong need/desire - the passion, I would've gotten out of nursing a long time ago. When I first started the nursing program I also was very much the introvert. Working in clinicals and in the hospital setting has brought me out of my "shell" so to speak. I believe that I am a better person today for choosing the career that I have chosen. However, only you know whether or not nursing is for you. Don't let other life situations dictate whether or not nursing is not for you. Be honest w/ yourself, your feelings. You will do what is the best for you. Good luck!

[EDValerieRN, ASN, RN]

If there is one thing I've learned throughout my nursing education, it is to go with your gut instinct. If your gut is saying no... that means no.

You only have one life. What is your passion? What do you want to do with yourself? When you see yourself in a job you love, what job is that? Is it nursing?

I have to say that I had a giant amount of anxiety before entering nursing school. I was stressed, depressed, and I didn't think I would make it... however, nursing was my passion, so I went ahead. It doesn't seem like your passion, or like you are even interested at all. Why waste your life on something you are nearly positive you will hate??

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day, and he had some great advice. A woman wanted out of her marriage, but she felt that if she were to leave, then she would have wasted those 5 years. He said yes, that may be true... but think.. 7 years from now you will regret wasting seven. Ten years from now you will regret ten... why don't you just cut your losses now? I'm not by any means saying to quit...because I don't know you, or your situation. But I do know that you must find what makes you happy in life, and go with it full force, 100%.

I wish you the best of luck. I'm by far not an expert on any of this, but I hope that I can help, and I feel for you. I was a sociology major for two years, even though I knew I wanted to be a nurse. I was miserable. I don't want to see you go through the same thing.

[Curious1alwys, BSN, RN]

Problem is, I don't have any passions. Honestly. I have no freaking clue what I want to do professionally. Right now I feel like I grew up in a screwed up house that sucked the passion right out of me. I have a lot of anger inside of me for that. My biggest passion in life is to pay my bills so I don't have to live in a cardboard box. I don't really even know who I am!! When you don't feel "sound" mentally, it is hard to tell when I am just not seeing things right or if I really do have gut insticts that are correct.

I know I need to be around people to some extent to be happy. I don't think I could just be a lab rat. I am so scared of the unkown that I think I may be terrifying myself.

Maybe I should quit my job when school starts and take out loans to ease the stress of it? Use my hubby's awesome benefits to get help for my messed up way of thinking. If I drop before I begin, how will I know? Working in a clinic...nursing research...some of those things interest me.......just maybe not bedside care.......or bedside care for one person maybe instread of 10? So many things going thru my head........

[z's playa]

Maybe I should quit my job when school starts and take out loans to ease the stress of it?

I don't think that putting yourself into debt is the key either.

Is there anyone you can talk to? Perhaps professionally?

Z

[karbyr]

I agree, go with your gut

And, you are not doing well without medication, why not give it a try? May have to try several different anti-depressants before find the one for you......anti-depressants work by changing the brains chemicals, either dopamine, norepinephrine or seratonin. There are no blood tests to detect which one is off, so they have to do a trial and error approach to find which one works..........and each trial can take four to six weeks...........however, once found, it can make a tremendous difference in your life. And remember, God loves you, even the depressed you, but wants better for you.

[RN_Jen]

Its obvious from your post that you are depressed. I understand what that's like.....I've suffered from depression for most of my adult life. Medication has helped me immensely. If you're even the slightest bit unsure about pursuing a career in nursing, I would put it on hold, at least until you get the depression under control. School is extremely stressful even when you're healthy. Before I was on meds I took an neuropsychology course (I was a psyc major). That semester I was severely depressed and not able to concentrate on studying. I failed the course and that made me even more depressed. That's when I finally sought help. I'm not saying necessarily that you need meds, but no matter what you decide to do, life will be easier to deal with once you have a handle on your psyche. I wish you all the best! :)

[cassilee30]

Thank you so so so much for reading this!

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. If it were me, just going by MY gut when reading your post, I'd say you need to take care of yourself first. Nursing is such a giving career and you sound like you're at the end of your rope in the giving aspect of life and you need to take care of yourself.

Maybe take phlebotomy or something a little less stressful and that might help you determine if you can handle touching people a lot. I'd hate for you to have wasted the whole first year or two in class time before you even get to experience the hands on part of nursing. I do know a lot of people who drop out, do so because they can't handle touching people all the time.

I hope that you can find peace and healing in your therapy and you will find passion for something. If nursing is the thing for you, it'll be there when you're stronger....if it's not, then you'll find something. I truly believe all people have talents and strengths and passions....it took me a long time to find nursing and maybe it's just taking you time to find the right thing for you.

Good luck!

Cassi

[rn/writer, RN]

there are nursing niches to go with just about any personality type. chances are good that if you got your degree, you'd find something that would suit you.

but here are some considerations.

right now, it sounds like you are not at all clear about what is residual damage, what is situational stress, and what is personality and temperament. seeing a therapist might help you sort these things out for starters. and you might get help learning to let go of or recover from old business. an anti-depressant could give you a more peaceful and positive outlook that will help you to see what's what.

i went through some of this. didn't need meds but about 15 years ago, i had a month-long in-patient stay to get my head clear of adult/child issues and learn to set better boundaries. i don't think i could have gone back to school with the emotional load i was carrying. when i did go back (not long after my hospital stay, i was able to handle the school stress because i wasn't already maxed out on the false burdens and expectations i'd been nearly crushed under.

i have never been the kind of nurse that bounces around the floor and is the life of the unit. i've always preferred to work nights because i enjoy the relative solitude and the opportunity to spend a little one-to-one time with patients who can't sleep.

i used to work on a psych unit for kids and when our census was under 7, i worked alone. one my paperwork was done, all i had to do until 6:00 am was the 15 and 30 minute checks. i read a lot, did some writing, listened to soothing music and this all helped me to keep myself on an even keel. more recently, i worked on an ortho/neuro floor and found myself seeking out opportunities to connect with patients on an emotional level once their physical needs were taken care of. perhaps you would need the kind of nursing environment that would allow you to have a deeper connection with a smaller number of people. working with dialysis or chemo patients would let you get to know people as you would see them frequently. caring for any type of chronic patient population would give you some of that. home care might be your thing. you develop relationships with families and it's a 1:1 patient ratio.

i guess i'm not convinced that you really want to let go of the nursing. what i'm hearing is that you would find it screamingly difficult to take care of others with your own needs unmet.

think about trying to separate those three things i mentioned earlier. old wounds need to be bound up and healed. situational stress can be looked at to find creative solutions and maybe let go of some non-essentials. your personality and temperament are buried under there somewhere. even if you find, as i did, that you still lean toward solitude and you prefer depth of relationship to breadth, there are still opportunities out there for you.

is it possible to stay on the waiting list and try again next semester?

you sound like a thoughtful, intelligent person who is truly suffering at the moment. i wish you all the best. feel free to email me privately if you would like.

take care,

miranda f.

[nursey_girl]

Most definitly take care of yourself first. Nursing school is stressfull, and you sound so bogged down right now. It will be better that you reapply than to flunk out all together.

Depression is an awful state to be in. I know from experience that those gray clouds can lift. I was in such a down state after Nursing I. It didn't occur to me that I could be depressed. My Doc treated with me with prozac...I slept the first 2 weeks it seemed, but I pulled out of it, I was in such better spirits, and Nursing II was great. Looking back it was overwhelming and stressful, and I just wasn't addressing it... just trudging on.

But, it was a psyche nurse when I was 16 that was very encouraging and kind to me that gave me the desire to Nurse. Nursing has many areas, and nursing school will introduce them to you. Hands on patient care is part of it, but after school there are several areas where that is not involved.

Once you have taken care of yourself, and you're not feeling so down, you should be able to make up your own mind as to the path you should choose...Good Luck.

[Curious1alwys, BSN, RN]

Thank you all for the feedback!

Well, I was put on Wellbutrin by my PCP, two pills per day..200 mg. I think the usual dose is 300 mg? Anyway, I was very unsure whether it was helping, didn't really notice much.....but I did manage to be somewhat productive one weekend that I was on it (doing stuff around the house, not just laying around). Anyway, I always forget to take a few pills and then by then I guess I was thinking, "I wonder if it is working". I am very anti drug unless I HAVE to be on them, so I am thinking of going instead to a psychiatrist or psychologist for an actual diagnosis. My father is manic depressive and my mother has had a few major depressive episodes in her lifetime, so I am concerned that there may be a genetic link and that I am barking up the wrong tree. See what I mean? The visit to the psych is something I am doing after insurance kicks in.

Do you think the reason I feel worse lately is the withdrawal from Wellbutrin? I only took it for about three weeks, maybe three and a half. Would stopping it abrupty cause you to feel psychotic? I have really been feeling like I can't deal with anything anymore, nervous breakdown or something.

The decision to go/not to go is going to be very difficult. To make it worse, my husband wants to "get away from my family" and move to his hometown in the midwest. The housing market where I live now is HUGE and we could stand to make $100,000 profit on our home. Take that money, pay off the debt we do have, move to midwest in a equal or a bit larger home, and we would transfer over there with bills less than what we pay now. Prob is, that is more stress for me and I am not sure I want to do it........I have lived here ALL MY LIFE!!! Very scary, but sometimes I think it will be the only thing that may keep me sane. Like my hubby says, "Honey, this is going to kill us". He is very stressed too about things he cannot control and how my family treats and affects me. I love him and I don't want him to lose his mind too.:rotfl: I feel like exposure to my family and the streets (cop) has poisoned him.

I appreciate all your honesty. It will be a real soul search from here. Thank you so much!