I really need some advice, and I would really, really appreciate it.
I am scheduled to enter NS in July. I have posted here before about my uncertainty that nursing is for me. I try to keep in the front of my mind the fact that you can do so many things once you get a nursing degree. I try to remember my love of science, health, and medicine. I read the posts here for encouragement that forces me onward in this career pursuit. However, when I tell people I am going to be going to nursing school I don't feel proud. I feel kind of silly, actually, like I am faking it. Why do I feel that way? Is that a sign? Every time I visit a hospital or a doctors office and see what nurses do, the hands on aspect of it, I think "Do I really want to do this?" and somewhat shudder at the thought of touching people all day. When I think about being around sick people all the time I get depressed, I feel so lifeless myself right now. In general, I have very little patience, very little compassion, and don't like to take care of people. I am more a loner than a socializer and to be honest, oftentimes I see nursing as being so exhausting for the simple fact that you have to be around others all day in such an involved capacity.
To add to my doubts here is some pretty extreme family stress. I have also posted about that before. My life has changed in a few negative ways in the recent past and as a result I was diagnosed with depression last November. I wanted to pursue talk therapy...no drugs......but didn't have good enough insurance. In July, I will be adding to my husband's insurance. He has wonderful psychotherapy benefits and I plan to take full advantage of it. Problem is, I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown all the time now. I cry a lot and worry about my life and where it is going constantly. For example, yesterday all I wanted to do was sit in a dark room, cry, and drink beer. No, I am not an alcoholic, but I always want alcohol when I get down. It is in my genes. My husband and I have talked and he thinks that I have deteriorated since November and told me that he doesn't think I will be able to deal with the stress of NS. I also feel uncertain that I will be able to cope with the stress considering I don't even really know if I want it. But.......I hate to lose my spot. I have been working towards this for years but I guess never really knew if it was for me. I have had gut feelings but kept telling myself that I had to TRY. Now the gut feelings are stronger than ever that maybe this is not right for me, but I am also scared that I am just freaking out over school starting and being so close.
So, I started to think about it. I could also drop from nursing school and take a phlebotomy course this fall. If I do that, I will fall out of the lottery and have to reapply all over again. My question to you is: Given my current psychological condition and my doubts about nursing, do you think I should still give nursing a try? Or, do you think it may be the straw that breaks the camel's back? I also will be working 23 hours per week and have some chronic back issues that are made worse by sitting (I sit at work all day and will sit to study), which doesn't help my mental status.
I just don't know what to do. My program is all lecture first and then clinical later. I am afraid I will push thru lecture and then get to clinical and absolutely hate it! Even when I see the nurses do BP and have to make "small talk" with patients I shudder! Not something I like to do? Was I totally insane to ever think nursing was for me?
No chance to stay on nursing waiting list. I can defer to fall, but since summer school starts in July, Fall is only one more month away. Doesn't work out for me there, plus summer school is a part time program (hopefully a bit less stress), fall full time (more stress) so it is now or not for a couple years. And that is going to interfere with having children. Like I said, thinking about SO many things right now....
I take Wellbutrin and have, for about 7 years (started out with Paxil). I occasionally forget to take mine and I usually don't notice a difference; however, if I skip more than 1 dose in a week I sometimes feel irritable and impatient for a day or two. It has a cumulative effect so if you skip too many doses at once you ARE going to feel it! You should never just stop taking an antidepressant, especially without talking to your Dr. first. I wasn't sure if you're taking 200 mg/day or 200 mg x2/day. Even though 300 mg/day is the typical dose, its good to start out with less to see how it works for you, then build up if you need it. I found that I felt just as good at 200 mg as I did at 300 mg, so there was no point in taking the higher dose.
At any rate, its always a good idea to get psychotropic drugs from a psychiatrist rather than a PCP. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but the psychiatrist deals with them on a daily basis, whereas a PCP may only prescribe them on occasion. Just like you might prefer an OB/GYN over a PCP when you get your PAP, go for the doctor that specializes in the field. Then find a good therapist (LCSW or clinical psychologist) to do the head work. And remember, it can take up to 6 weeks for meds to kick in and give you the full benefit. The fact that you felt so bad when you stopped taking it should tell you that it was doing something good. Hang in there, and feel free to email me if you want to talk more.
The same exact thing has happened to me, but over a 40 year period. I thought perhaps I could tell you my story, and maybe you could gain some insight. It all started in high school when I decided that I wanted to be a nurse. My aunt was a nurse, and when I went to her hospital as a candy striper, I loved it. My grades weren't good enough to get into a BSN program, and they didn't have ADN programs at the time. so I applied and was accepted to a hospital diploma nursing program. I had read Cherry Ames my entire childhood, and i couldn't wait to go. I was 17 and supposed to start that fall. I, also, had many family problems. My mother was mentally ill , and my dad had alcoholic tendencies. My mother was too sick to take me on interviews, and my dad was too busy working. Anyway, when I got in they told me to take chemistry in summer school, because I had not taken it in high school. My parents never signed me up and left me alone for the summer-with my sister. While they were gone, I started to get the same exact fears as you describe. I was afraid I wouldn't do well because I didn't take the chemistry course, I was afraid of the hospital-everything. So when my parents came home, I told them I didn't want to go. They didn't care at all. So they sent me to Jr. college for a medical secretarial course. I did very well-well enough to get into a BSN program at a local college. I went through the four years, and I really liked it. There was only one big county hospital that scared me, and I got in trouble for being absent a lot during that rotation. I had certain fears about not touching people with certain illnesses(not necessarily contagious) just fears I had from my mentally ill mother. I loved pediatrics, ob, and psych. the best. I also am very introverted and have some issues with fears of touching people with specific illnesses mostly. Well, once I graduated, what happened? I developed a fear of working in a hospital. It was just a generalized fear of everything about it. So I got a job as a school nurse teacher. It was okay, but I mostly enjoyed teaching health. So after two years of doing that, they did away with school nurse teachers, and I couldn't afford to work as just a school nurse which was a much lower pay. So the principal thought I did a great job teaching health and offered me a job as a classroom teacher. I thought he was nuts. But I still had the hospital fears, so I decided to do it. I took the job, got my MA in education and did it for 30 years, being extremely successful at it-even being named teacher of the year in 1996. All along, I continued to have emotional problems related to my birth family. I did get married and have three kids. Even though the emotional problems continued, I was a very successful mom and teacher. Four years ago, my husband of 32 years decides he is unhappy, because I have certain emotional problems, he uses that as an excuse, has an affair, and abandons me. I was in such shock that I had a complete nervous breakdown and ended up being hospitalized. I was suffering from severe depression. I had to retire from teaching, as i was too ill to work. While i was in the hospital, I decided that it made me feel better when I thought about going back to my original profession of nursing. I watched the psych. nurses and liked what they did. I was in the hospital, and I found myself thinking constantly about wanting to be a psych. nurse. I felt an understanding and empathy for all the other patients. When I came out of the hospital, I was still kind of sad and crying a lot, but I decided to take a refresher nursing course. I loved it and did well considering my lack of experience. It actually made me feel BETTER emotionally. After that, I tried to get a psych job, but I couldn't get one because of my lack of med surg experience. I was offered a night job on ortho. Guess what? I turned it down, because the SAME fears returned again. After that I had abdominal surgery (prolapsed rectum) and again I loved what the nurses did and wanted to work in that hospital-even possibly in med surg! At this point in my life, I am healed mentally and physically. Sure, the emotional issues are still there, but I am basically ok. I am getting remarried next month, and I am happy. I STILL want to go back to nursing, and I am STILL afraid. I am looking to educate myself more in some way before I go back whether it be an MS or another refresher course or a certificate program. I am looking into various things and quite confused about it. The only thing I know for SURE is that I regret not going to the original hospital school of nursing where I would have been forced to work on the floors and overcome my fears. I also regret never working in a hospital when I first graduated to force myself to overcome my fears. Personally, I think you are just plain scared. Fears certainly caused me to have enough anxiety to get depressed. I can't tell you what to do, but I wish I had faced my fears back then, and I wish I could face my fears now. I STILL want to be a nurse, and I am STILL afraid. I wish I had overcome the fears at your age. I always wanted to be a nurse and still do. There had to be some reason that you applied to nursing school and wanted to be a nurse. Something about it had to have interested you. I don't know if this post has helped you, but at least you can hear that you are not the only one who has gone through this. I just don't want you to turn around in 40 years, and say I should have gone to nursing school! I have a lot more life experience than you, but we share the same fears. In my opinion, facing them helps the most. Unfortunately, I have never been able to really face the nursing fears. I did it with flying-pushed myself, and I fly all the time now with no fear at all-amazing. Now I want to figure out how to do the same WITH NURSING! I wish you good luck in whatever you decide. Please feel free to PM me any time. I really do understand exactly how you feel.
I heard a saying once that said your intuition is God's way of guiding you and any sign of doubt means no! If your guts says no, maybe you should listen. Best wishes to you and I'm sorry you're feeling so low right now .
p.s. Just some advice....you can talk to career councelers at your school. They have assessment type tests that can guide you in the right career path according to your personality and likes and etc...
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Curious1alwys, BSN, RN
1,310 Posts
No chance to stay on nursing waiting list. I can defer to fall, but since summer school starts in July, Fall is only one more month away. Doesn't work out for me there, plus summer school is a part time program (hopefully a bit less stress), fall full time (more stress) so it is now or not for a couple years. And that is going to interfere with having children. Like I said, thinking about SO many things right now....