Personal: Is this considered neglect?

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Hey everyone:

My mother is 90 years old. She has some health problems like swallowing problems causing her to be under weight, hypertension, heart disease and she has a pacemaker. But mentally she's a 20 year old. She holds numerous offices in her community organizations, makes decisions and is consulted by her many friends, family and members of her community. She does use a cane, has some muscle weakness, walks slowly, and has some shortness of breath when walking long distances.

She likes to go out and is specially involved in her religious organizations. I love her very much, but I am not interested in belonging to any of these organizations. I feel confident that her health problems have not reached the point where she always needs someone with her all the time, so I let her go by herself. She is actually never by herself because the organization she participates in has a van, they pick her and others up, and they go together as a group.

But sometimes I feel like i'm neglecting her because I do not participate in some of the things that she does. I am a young woman (30 years old) and I am the only family that is here helping her, everyone else is living their own life and they really don't give a damn! I don't mind, but part of the reason I don't participate is because I need to separate from her sometimes and I'm just not into the things that she is. Sometimes I get very tired of playing "nurse maid" and always having to be the one to have to "represent" our little family. Mothers day is coming up, she just reached a big milestone by reaching her 90th birthday, and these organizations have a tendancy to make a big deal about occassions like that, are family oriented, and I'm the only family here!!!!! I find these events stressful and emotionally draining... so I just stop particpating. And I feel awful, I feel bad, and neglectful. I have been dealing or not dealing with depression for the last five years and i just don't want to deal with the stress of making a big production out of everything!!!!

MY QUESTION IS, as nurses would you consider my behavior to be emotionally neglectful???? I hope not!! I really don't mean to be, but I just need a little space. I just don't have the ability to be all things to everyone...:confused:

your advice and comments would be appreciated....

i feel like screaming..:eek:

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I feel that since your mom is mentally sound, which i great at 90, you should not have to follow her around at her events. I would just make sure they have a way of getting hold of you, which you probably did take care of. I think your monitoring your mother well without stepping on her shoes and taking her independence away, which is great. Too many people by helping an elderly parent sort of take over. I think your mom is living the best life she can, having a daughter near her, but not smothering.

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Specializes in home health, dialysis, others.

As long as your mom is having her needs met, can make all of her needs known, and is not apparently suffering is some way, she is not being neglected.

The only issue I would be concerned about is her swallowing difficulty - has that been addressed by her physician? Many people with swallowing difficulties are not underweight because they alter their diet in some way. Please have her seen by someone ASAP.

Your need to be on your own is appropriate. Find a caregiver support group in your area.

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I'm just curious about something... I've read the post a few times, and if your mother is 90, and you are 30, then she had you when she was 60? Wow... it really sounds like she is much younger than her years. No, I don't believe that you are being neglectful. You do have a life of your own, and I'm sure your mom would want you to live it. I'm thinking that it might be a good idea to approach someone who is involved in the organizations that she is in to see if someone would be able to help her.

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Specializes in LTC,Hospice/palliative care,acute care.

Your mother has a GREAT quality of life? Why should you feel guilty? You both are really lucky to have the life you have today. Find some support for yourself-treat your depression. Too often when adult children become the caretakers of their parents they turn them into adult babies. I think it's fantastic that you support your mom's independence. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for anything-you can be forgiven for not wanting to hang out with her peers.

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Specializes in Emergency & Trauma/Adult ICU.

No, I don't think you're being neglectful, from what I read in your post.

As for upcoming Mother's Day - why not ask her how the two of you should celebrate the day? Maybe suggest brunch for just the two of you, if that is your preference. But if what she wants most is the chance to show you off to friends, maybe it's worth it to just suck it up for a few hours and go with her. Lay out some limits from the outset - you're attending x event from x time to y time ... etc.

If anyone else in the family is suggesting that you're being neglectful, don't hesitate to call for some help and share responsibilities equally.

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She is actually my grandmother.

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The only issue I would be concerned about is her swallowing difficulty - has that been addressed by her physician? Many people with swallowing difficulties are not underweight because they alter their diet in some way. Please have her seen by someone ASAP.

Her doctor is taking a very Laisse-faire (-sp?) attitude toward her dysphagia. She has had a number of test colonoscopy, uppper gi endoscopy, modified barium swallow established that she has narrowing in the pharynx also diminshed motility so its a mechnical problem. She does best with soft soupy non sticky food, "nectar" consistecy. But her last barium swallow was 2-3 years ago and she sees the doctor every three to four months. I'm concerned because i read her record recently and she had intestinal metaplasia... I'm not a nurse yet, but I know what metaplasia means... So I'm gonna make sure she gets those test done... She has lost alot of weight. 5'3 100 lbs clothed.... not good. Question now is What IS CAUSING THE WEIGHT LOSS, RULE OUT CANCER!!!!! I hope that's not what we are looking at.. I think given the metaplasia he should have been more hypervigilant IMHO. No he wants to give a 90 year old woman a mammagram (-sp), I don't understand the reason for that.....

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Specializes in Health Information Management.

No, it does not sound as though you are being neglectful at all. You are near her and keeping a watchful eye over how she is doing; what mentally competent adult of any age wants to feel as though someone else is playing babysitter where she is concerned? She has her own friends and activities, is staying involved and is utilizing safe transportation to those events. You don't have to be with her every free minute of the day to be involved in her life! As for the big upcoming events, perhaps you could make an appearance at the one she considers to be most important or ask her how she'd like to celebrate just the two of you.

It sounds like you're really beating up on yourself and withdrawing when you feel overwhelmed by what you perceive to be your obligations where she is concerned. I hope you seek (additional?) treatment for your depression, because it can rob you of so many things, including enjoyable time with loved ones. Good luck to you.

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you ladies are awesome!!!!!!thank you for the wonderful feed back!!!

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Your mother/grandmother sounds like an amazing woman. And so do you.

Participating in special events or going with her to special meetings is not an all-or-nothing proposition. You can decide how much or how little you want to join in and do what works. For Mother's Day, I would encourage you to do something that will show her how important she is to you and show others that she is treasured and special. Whether that is visiting her, taking her out to dinner, giving her flowers, or making some other gesture, that depends on the two of you. But you don't have to feel enslaved by the expectations of other people.

Does she live on her own?

When you mentioned needing to separate from her a bit, I wondered if you are going through something called "anticipatory grieving," a process in which a person knows that there will eventually be a loss and they begin to prepare themselves for that day. With someone who is 90 years old, that possibility grows ever larger. If you are not close to other family members, it could be that you are apprehensive about losing this important person and having to deal with it alone.

I also suspect that you are concerned that you will have to deal with guilt issues at some point. Let me just tell you that no matter what and how much you do you will probably feel you could have done more. That goes with the territory.

Is this uneasiness something you and she can talk about? Is she the one making you feel guilty that you don't spend enough time with her?

I'd encourage you to see if there is an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) where you work. These folks are there to help people sort through a wide range of challenges, including family issues. There is usually no charge, and they have access to all kinds of information and resources. They are trained to help you decide what the questions are and then to assist you in finding answers. If nothing else, you might be able to vent about your frustrations, but I think they would be able to offer you more.

You'd be a very unusual 30-year-old if you wanted to hang out with a bunch of old people on a regular basis. The trick is to find out how to strike a balance between showing your mom (and her friends) that she is loved and allowing yourself room to breathe.

I hope you are able to work this out.

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Specializes in LTC, Hospice, Case Management.
The only issue I would be concerned about is her swallowing difficulty - has that been addressed by her physician? Many people with swallowing difficulties are not underweight because they alter their diet in some way. Please have her seen by someone ASAP.

Her doctor is taking a very Laisse-faire (-sp?) attitude toward her dysphagia. She has had a number of test colonoscopy, uppper gi endoscopy, modified barium swallow established that she has narrowing in the pharynx also diminshed motility so its a mechnical problem. She does best with soft soupy non sticky food, "nectar" consistecy. But her last barium swallow was 2-3 years ago and she sees the doctor every three to four months. I'm concerned because i read her record recently and she had intestinal metaplasia... I'm not a nurse yet, but I know what metaplasia means... So I'm gonna make sure she gets those test done... She has lost alot of weight. 5'3 100 lbs clothed.... not good. Question now is What IS CAUSING THE WEIGHT LOSS, RULE OUT CANCER!!!!! I hope that's not what we are looking at.. I think given the metaplasia he should have been more hypervigilant IMHO. No he wants to give a 90 year old woman a mammagram (-sp), I don't understand the reason for that.....

She's 90 years old. Kindly think about how much you REALLY want to put her through. It is an individual decision & only the two of you can decide what is best, BUT.. when I'm 90 years old and doing as well as you describe, I will not want to be poked and prodded on just so I know exactly whats wrong with me. If it turned out to be cancer, would she really want to go thru chemo/radiation & if that answer is "NO" then why put her thru all the testing.

I've seen way to many people put way to many 90 year olds thru hell trying to get every last breath. Sounds like she's doing great now. Enjoy it and allow her to enjoy it as well.

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