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Patients Say the Darnedest Things

Nurses   (50,699 Views | 404 Replies)

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A lady came into the ER with flight of ideas and I had only ever read about it. She said to me "I am pregnant because my boss said my blood sugar was high and don't give me any BS because I am the head of the CIA and I will know" I thought someone was playing a joke on me at first.

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3 Posts; 666 Profile Views

I was working in recovery and a TURP pt came in, I was checking for bleeding and looking at his output when he says "are you married?" I was like yes sir I am and then he says "what does your husband think about you having to look and and touch other men's penis' all day" and without hesitation I said well I get paid pretty well so I guess he doesn't mind 😂

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NICU Guy has 5 years experience as a BSN, RN and specializes in NICU.

1 Follower; 3,571 Posts; 32,583 Profile Views

Doing a 12 lead EKG on an elderly female patient. I was removing the 3m EKG pads (round with metal snap in middle) and the patient asked me to leave two patches (V1 and V2). I asked her why. She stated the she had a double mastectomy when she was 26 and haven't had nipples in 60 years. You never know what sweet old ladies are going to say.

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realnursealso/LPN has 34 years experience as a LPN and specializes in Peds Homecare.

2 Articles; 783 Posts; 18,701 Profile Views

Confused 90 year old male nursing home patient, to my straight laced charge nurse, as she helped clean him up. "If this was alive, I'd stick it in you!" Maybe too racy for this contest? We all laughed until the tears rolled down our cheeks.

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5 Posts; 728 Profile Views

patient (who was a known substance user and suspected prostitute ) left unit after a phone call all dressed up, full make up, to 'meet someone downstairs.' On return to the unit, makeup was very smeared and she appeared disheveled. when asked, she stated ' the wind blew my makeup off'

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4 Posts; 437 Profile Views

I signed myself in so I am going to leave.

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5 Posts; 495 Profile Views

I was working in recovery. While assisting a female patient with dressing she asked me if I had any underwear she could borrow as she had forgot to wear hers.

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5 Posts; 753 Profile Views

A 90 year old dementia resident came out into the hall, looked around and said " I hate old people, I hope I never get that old"

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SabsRN08A09 has 10 years experience.

4 Posts; 384 Profile Views

Had a patient call the unit stating "I'm having contractions and I'm pretty sure I'm in labor." She then stated "My aunt wants to check me . How will she know how far dilated I am?"

I had to explain that there was no need for that, and the L&D nurses would be glad to perform a vaginal exam when she came through triage. That's the first, and last, time I've heard a patient say something like that.

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5 Posts; 400 Profile Views

While admitting a new patient to my unit: (me)-do you have any medical problems that you take prescriptions for? (pt)-No one has ever told me I was sick but I do take (grocery bag full of pill bottles in hand) these. (Me looking through bag)-sir you have meds here for HBP, acid reflux, blood thinning, high cholesterol, bladder control, diabetes and several random narcotics, but you have no medical problems? (Me) shakes head and tries to start the admission over!

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3 Posts; 666 Profile Views

"Do you like it when someone watches you when you're having sex?" Ugh

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jaelpn specializes in Skilled geriatric nursing care.

12 Articles; 43 Posts; 14,865 Profile Views

I have a 95 year old resident that often falls asleep in the bathroom. When I knocked, he didn't answer. I entered and gently woke him up. He was a little dazed. I assisted with his pericare and helped him into his pjs. He looked at me strangely, and then said, "I never had a caddy that would go to such great lengths to assist me, especially to wash my butt." He was an avid golfer in his younger days and well... I was the caddy he never had! Haha :)

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