Not too long ago I started a thread about what to say to patients who were anxious and depressed. I received a lot of great comments and advice but, I now ran into another issue tonight which has to do with the topic of this thread.
I went into this mans room and asked if he needed anything. He said he would like some ice water and juice and I got it for him. After I asked if he needed anything else he said yes, forgiveness. Naturally I asked what he wanted forgiveness for. He began to say that he was talking to the hospital chaplain and then started to go into his family life and some of his own. It was a pretty normal conversation until he mentioned that he did something really stupid back in the 70's and that's what he wanted forgiveness for. He said he tried to molest his daughter but stopped just in time. He then began to go on about how beautiful and smart this daughter was. I was just dumbfounded. The only thing that saved me was there was a fire drill at that moment and I had to leave to help close the doors.
I understand that working in the hospital you deal with all types including the most foul wastes of life but, they still need care. I just abhor child molesters and after hearing that I found it hard to care about anything that happened to this man. Now I don't want anyone to think that as a future RN if I ran into this situation again I would purposely cause harm to a patient with a twisted past because I wouldn't. I think I would just perform care without caring.
How do you handle patients like this if you know they committed horrible things? Have any patients confessed things to you that were unsettling?
P.S I would also like to give my deepest thanks to all who work with children and have to care for those who have suffered through things like molestation and abuse. How your hearts must ache some days.
I have worked in jails and prisons and have done some groups with offenders. Keep your professional "Nursing Cap" on in these situations and focus on doing your job. Do not make any conclusions, nor allow yourself to be manipulated.
Sometimes people have obsessive thoughts--the guy may have just felt guilty for his own thoughts, but more likely, couldn't bring himself to admit to what he had actually done: "...tried to molest his daughter but stopped 'just in time'..." There's a huge difference between having a scary thought, and doing something which is deliberate and a serious crime. The guy needs therapy to deal with his guilt in any case. He can get with the clergyman or therapist and decide what to do next.
I should have added that, if he really does have fantasies/thoughts of pedophilia, he will need specialized eval & possible therapy. Kids must be protected from pedophiles. Confession to you may mean a mandatory call to Protective Services in your state and there are huge ramifications for your client.
Confessing to a clergyman or therapist may lead to a voluntary confession to the police, which to my mind would be ideal because it let's him take responsibility for his behavior and make amends, but can lead to disruption of his daughter's life. Better to refer the situation to someone with the training and resources to deal with it.
It is not correct to take your anger out on a patient no matter what their past consists of. It is very hard to remain impartial but as a professional nurse one has to. I have nursed for ages and have come across all sorts and at times have found it really tricky and there are days when one feels its a "no cope day" re a particular patient, hand over to a colleague, she or he may be able to swap with another patient.
I read many wonderful posts here! I am new and have not read all 30+ comments, but I'd like to say something. Think about ALL of your patients a moment. What do you really know about any of them? Does it matter to you that they have secret lives, ones that you may or may not agree with or choose to live for yourself? I like to leave the hard stuff to God. Treat all patients with respect and proper care regardless.
none of us in nursing should let her opinions or beliefs or harsh judgements affect the overall care that a patient receives.
my original point is that we have all made our own mistakes, one sin isn't worse than another...[/quote]
oh yes it is. why do you think child rapists are segregated from general population in prison? even among criminals, it is seen as a worse offense.
are you saying that shooting a person is just as bad as lying to your spouse? or beating your child is as bad as running a stop light when no one is looking? please, give me a break.
I don't understand how you guys call yourselves nurses or soon-to-be nurses with this "lack of caring" attitude. In school, they preached to us "caring" and that means, for everyone. I treat all of my patients the same, no matter what their past was or diagnosis. The next thing we'll hear is "I didn't want to care for him because he had AIDS." You don't get to decide who you care for and who you don't. If you don't want to care for everyone the same, you have no business in this profession
This man didn't actually molest his daughter, he stopped himself because he knew it was wrong. He's lived with this for 30+ years and he still blames himself-he obviously cares or he wouldn't still be living with this. I'm not saying that molesting a child is ok but don't ever judge someone because you don't know what they are going through. One day, you may find yourself doing something that you would have never thought you'd do!!!!!! Think about it.........
I had an instructor in nursing school who always told us that when pt tells us something to respond therapeutically for one thing but for another to keep a straight face so they don't feel bad for schocking you and if they are looking for the shock value they won't receive it. She also spoke alot of caring for everyone regardless of if we agree w/their lifestyle or not. This is something I've always strived for. So in taking care of this man I probably would have offered chaplain services. I strive very hard to be non-judgemental w/my patients and to have a caring attitude. I've noticed this has poured into my personal life and I'm more tolerant of attitudes that I don't agree w/b/c of it.
First of all it is not your place to judge, so don't take on that responsibility. Your responsibility is to be a good nurse. Do that and then YOU will have a clear conscience. Either way, he is disturbed for either thinking it, or trying to shock you with it. Respond as a professional. I would say to him "It is not my place to forgive you, but it sounds like you have a lot on your mind. Would it help to see a counselor or a minister?".
In my mind I would be creeped out but over the years I have seen so many bizarre things that not much shocks me. Animal abusers, child abusers, wife beaters, bullies, thieves of the lowest sort, rapists. They have to answer for their own sins just as I have to answer for mine. No one can forgive us other than those we have hurt. Hurting him makes you guilty too, and you are not the judge and jury. You don't know the circumstances, maybe he was out of his mind tripping on acid when this occurred. Maybe he realized it later and was disgusted by his own inner evil. I think we are all capable of incredible evil under certain circumstances. Or maybe he is just crazy and trying to get a rise out of you or manipulate you. Maybe he is trying to suck you in and make you a victim. Who knows? Obviously he made you uncomfortable for you to post. Listen to your gut instinct. Beware.
I work in mental health and addiction. I have worked with a few clients who were sex offenders and children were their targets. I reminded myself that the vast majority of sex offenders were themselves victims of sexual abuse. I had empathy for the child that they were when they were violated.
When my children were growing up, I always tried to teach them that you don't necessarily hate the person ~ you dislike / hate the action that they may have committed. While this is very nice in concept it is very difficult in reality. Mine was put to the test when a drunk driving illegl alien murdered my youngest of two sons. He was my sunshine and my laughter ~ along with his brother, they were my everything. This man hit my son driving an F150 pickup truck (with no insurance of course), he did not even touch his brakes and he was traveling at close to 90 miles an hour. My son was sitting still at a stop light in a VW Jetta. Truck vs. Jetta, Jetta lost. All that was left was the chasie of the car and my son dead on impact inside. When he was tested he blew a .3 (.08 is legally drunk in this state).
On this Thanksgiving day, I thank the Lord that if it was His plan for my son to be here for only 26 years, that he took him quickly and that he did not suffer. There are worse things than death, and living is sometimes one of them. As nurses we know that he would have been a para or quadraplegic and definately a vegetable becauise his head was fractured in so many places it was hard to keep track and his neck snapped (air bags do not deploy in rear end collisions). I thank Him because we moved to this state where he lived and I spent the last two years of his life with him. I thank him because he was so happy the last time I saw him, and because he had spent his last night before leaving his earthly journey with a gathering of friends at a party.
I tell myself that I do not have to forgive the man who killed such a wonderful young person, that is not my place. It is God's. He will deal with his transgressions in the end. I am happy he got eleven years of prison, however, a lifetime will not bring back my son. I miss him terribly, everyday. My other son is still coping to try to recover and it has been three years. He is now at a point where he wants to write the man so that he can get to know him and understand what his childhood was like, what he was like as a person, and what drove him to drink that night. I am so very proud of him. I would not have thought of it, after all my years of preaching I have failed to walk the talk. We know not what life holds for us, nor what drives the people in it to do what they do.
My point is, you do not know what happened in this man's life, in his childhood, nor what he was feeling at the time. Only what you think drives molesters ~ not that I would pardon him in my own mind, I hate the thought of any person, adult or child being hurt. But all of us, every single one of us, have things in our lives that lead us to do other things. Remember that when dealing with others, not only they, but we are fallible ~ just to different extents. If I knew someone had done something like that I would have to report it (though years later, and an act not completed, he seems to have been trying to come to terms with something he considered).
Thanks for letting me vent and answer at the same time. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. Have a wonderful day.
Oh Gemini my heart goes out to you. Let us all try to give thanks for what we have today, and for the time we had with those that we have lost. You have an amazing attitude. God Bless.
When my children were growing up, I always tried to teach them that you don't necessarily hate the person ~ you dislike / hate the action that they may have committed. While this is very nice in concept it is very difficult in reality. Mine was put to the test when a drunk driving illegl alien murdered my youngest of two sons. He was my sunshine and my laughter ~ along with his brother, they were my everything. This man hit my son driving an F150 pickup truck (with no insurance of course), he did not even touch his brakes and he was traveling at close to 90 miles an hour. My son was sitting still at a stop light in a VW Jetta. Truck vs. Jetta, Jetta lost. All that was left was the chasie of the car and my son dead on impact inside. When he was tested he blew a .3 (.08 is legally drunk in this state).
On this Thanksgiving day, I thank the Lord that if it was His plan for my son to be here for only 26 years, that he took him quickly and that he did not suffer. There are worse things than death, and living is sometimes one of them. As nurses we know that he would have been a para or quadraplegic and definately a vegetable becauise his head was fractured in so many places it was hard to keep track and his neck snapped (air bags do not deploy in rear end collisions). I thank Him because we moved to this state where he lived and I spent the last two years of his life with him. I thank him because he was so happy the last time I saw him, and because he had spent his last night before leaving his earthly journey with a gathering of friends at a party.
I tell myself that I do not have to forgive the man who killed such a wonderful young person, that is not my place. It is God's. He will deal with his transgressions in the end. I am happy he got eleven years of prison, however, a lifetime will not bring back my son. I miss him terribly, everyday. My other son is still coping to try to recover and it has been three years. He is now at a point where he wants to write the man so that he can get to know him and understand what his childhood was like, what he was like as a person, and what drove him to drink that night. I am so very proud of him. I would not have thought of it, after all my years of preaching I have failed to walk the talk. We know not what life holds for us, nor what drives the people in it to do what they do.
My point is, you do not know what happened in this man's life, in his childhood, nor what he was feeling at the time. Only what you think drives molesters ~ not that I would pardon him in my own mind, I hate the thought of any person, adult or child being hurt. But all of us, every single one of us, have things in our lives that lead us to do other things. Remember that when dealing with others, not only they, but we are fallible ~ just to different extents. If I knew someone had done something like that I would have to report it (though years later, and an act not completed, he seems to have been trying to come to terms with something he considered).
Thanks for letting me vent and answer at the same time. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. Have a wonderful day.
I'm so sorry for you and your family. You sound like an amazing person.
jhanes
62 Posts
I have worked in jails and prisons and have done some groups with offenders. Keep your professional "Nursing Cap" on in these situations and focus on doing your job. Do not make any conclusions, nor allow yourself to be manipulated.
Sometimes people have obsessive thoughts--the guy may have just felt guilty for his own thoughts, but more likely, couldn't bring himself to admit to what he had actually done: "...tried to molest his daughter but stopped 'just in time'..." There's a huge difference between having a scary thought, and doing something which is deliberate and a serious crime. The guy needs therapy to deal with his guilt in any case. He can get with the clergyman or therapist and decide what to do next.