Recently, I had plans to have a BBQ at my house with several of my ex-coworkers. I suggested the idea to my wife before my employment arrangement changed abruptly and she seem copacetic. Later, my ignorance and inability to comprehend doublespeak was revealed.
Several days before the BBQ my wife become very anxious and irritated when she found out everyone coming was female. This was purely by happenstance. All spouses or significant others were invited but none could attend due to work responsibilities or plans.
Reminding my wife that I'm a middle aged adult male, working in a significantly female dominated world did little to therapeutically defuse the situation. Putting out the fire with gasoline was the effect achieved. She stated, that it's inappropriate and disrespectful to host other females in our home, who I no longer have a working relationship with.
I told her it would provide a bit of closure and continuity for everyone. Direct patient care is like navigating a psycho-physio war zone of emotional chasms and insurmountable summits. No one goes it alone. I wanted to do something nice for my fellow coworkers and aides. To show my appreciation and to recognize the help and solid care they provided. She was not appeased and enlisted the support of her in condemning my actions.
I respect my wife's feelings, 25 years at this would have ended it long ago if it were otherwise. But I have no intention of catering to illogical fear and irrational gender bias. If the situation was reversed, my mindset would not change.
Is this some type of unspoken and overstepped Opposite Sex Coworker Social Boundary infringement I missed?
The pretentiousness of your post and the fact you're calling your wife's concerns irrational on a nursing forum says a lot about the communication between you two. What do you want from us, validation that your wife is some irrational killjoy? Not happening. For all we know, she already suspects you're unfaithful. Maybe you already have been, we wouldn't know and I'm not giving you the benefit of a doubt. Have more respect for your wife's feelings and TALK to her or seek marriage counseling.
IMO, this isn't so much a professional boundary issue but a relationship issue.
If this event is causing so much strife in your relationship, then perhaps the two of you need to sit down together to examine the underlying issues and what is the best way to resolve them.
Maybe your spouse needs to take a chill pill, maybe you need to put her feelings ahead of your ego, maybe something entirely different. I don't know what the correct answer is, nor will I attempt to figure it out as I don't know all the details of either your professional or personal relationships.
But I do know that it's not us you should be figuring this out with--it's her.
Specializes in hospice, LTC, public health, occupational health.
Is there history that would justify her not being okay with you socializing with groups of women? If you have history of banging coworkers I can see her point.
Is she usually insecure? Because if this is a known quantity with her, regardless of my opinion of that, you're purposely causing a problem if you know that and then plan an event like this. Especially in HER home.
If there is no history that justifies her attitude, I think she's being fairly ridiculous, but only you know about that.
Specializes in Nurse Leader specializing in Labor & Delivery.
The pretentiousness of your post and the fact you're calling your wife's concerns irrational on a nursing forum says a lot about the communication between you two. What do you want from us, validation that your wife is some irrational killjoy? Not happening. For all we know, she already suspects you're unfaithful. Maybe you already have been, we wouldn't know and I'm not giving you the benefit of a doubt. Have more respect for your wife's feelings and TALK to her or seek marriage counseling.
Damn, I was shooting for sarcasm. Probably just a misplaced remnant of hyperbole left over from my passive-aggressive assimilation into nursing culture.
Is there history that would justify her not being okay with you socializing with groups of women? If you have history of banging coworkers I can see her point.
Is she usually insecure? Because if this is a known quantity with her, regardless of my opinion of that, you're purposely causing a problem if you know that and then plan an event like this. Especially in HER home.
If there is no history that justifies her attitude, I think she's being fairly ridiculous, but only you know about that.
Negative. I've always been faithful. One woman is more than enough for me. I socialize with her female friends all the time. I do think maybe you're on to something regarding insecurity. I'd never considered that angle. Thanks for the input.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
Recently, I had plans to have a BBQ at my house with several of my ex-coworkers. I suggested the idea to my wife before my employment arrangement changed abruptly and she seem copacetic. Later, my ignorance and inability to comprehend doublespeak was revealed.
Several days before the BBQ my wife become very anxious and irritated when she found out everyone coming was female. This was purely by happenstance. All spouses or significant others were invited but none could attend due to work responsibilities or plans.
Reminding my wife that I'm a middle aged adult male, working in a significantly female dominated world did little to therapeutically defuse the situation. Putting out the fire with gasoline was the effect achieved. She stated, that it's inappropriate and disrespectful to host other females in our home, who I no longer have a working relationship with.
I told her it would provide a bit of closure and continuity for everyone. Direct patient care is like navigating a psycho-physio war zone of emotional chasms and insurmountable summits. No one goes it alone. I wanted to do something nice for my fellow coworkers and aides. To show my appreciation and to recognize the help and solid care they provided. She was not appeased and enlisted the support of her in condemning my actions.
I respect my wife's feelings, 25 years at this would have ended it long ago if it were otherwise. But I have no intention of catering to illogical fear and irrational gender bias. If the situation was reversed, my mindset would not change.
Is this some type of unspoken and overstepped Opposite Sex Coworker Social Boundary infringement I missed?
The problem isn't with professional boundaries. The problem seems to be your lack of respect for your wife. You have dismissed her feelings as "illogical fear and irrational gender bias." That looks a lot like gaslighting to me.
Specializes in Nurse Leader specializing in Labor & Delivery.
In addition to what Ruby said above, I think it's unfair that you call what she did/said as "doublespeak." She changed her mind about being "copacetic" about the situation once she realized it was going to be you and a bunch of women, rather than you and a bunch of couples. That's not "doublespeak," that's having a change of opinion when the circumstances changed.
Serhilda, ADN, RN
290 Posts
The pretentiousness of your post and the fact you're calling your wife's concerns irrational on a nursing forum says a lot about the communication between you two. What do you want from us, validation that your wife is some irrational killjoy? Not happening. For all we know, she already suspects you're unfaithful. Maybe you already have been, we wouldn't know and I'm not giving you the benefit of a doubt. Have more respect for your wife's feelings and TALK to her or seek marriage counseling.