Once upon a time.

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Once upon a time ... thoughts of a stressed out nurse.

Once upon a time in a land and time far far away. A fellow classmate, maybe in his 40's used to tell me to prepare for my 20's. He said it would be a time of questioning myself constantly and figuring myself out. I laughed at him inside my mind. Rolling my eyes inside my mind... yet wondering what the heck he meant by that.

At this time, I was about 20 years old diving into the world of my 20's. I thought I had the world figured out, I had my plans in order.

From 2012-2014 I continued my high achieving habits from high school into the nursing school arena. Excelling in every class, participating in every extracurricular, and serving as a student nurse mentor to freshman students, I as a senior student nurse.

Fast forward and the year is 2014. I'm a surgical ward RN at a large teaching hospital. I grow tremendously as a nurse, I think back to my plans of becoming a CRNA and decide it's time to get into the ICU and so I do a in-system transfer around Winter of 2015-Early 2016.

It is now winter 2017. How time flies. And as I type this I can't help but to think how LOST I am. I am currently enrolled on a full-ride roller coaster with CRNA as my destination. Signed up for chemistry II, Honors Biology, and Statistical Analysis. Applied to start my RN-BSN in 2018 Fall and that program is fast paced and ends Spring 2019.

By then I have planned to have my BSN, CCRN, and 3 years of ICU experience with about 1.5 years of surgical ward experience.

But here I sit lost, desperately lost. Everyday I am despising the ICU more and more. It is becoming unbearable. It does not bring the excitement it once brought. With increased experience I've become increasingly fatigued with the ICU. And I hear, "it's worth the wait for CRNA school". But is it??? But is it??? And if I'm not willing to wait then perhaps I truly don't want to become a CRNA bad enough?

I am reaching this point in my life (25 years old) where I feel like I'm hitting crisis mode. I'm in need of answers to my own questions (not expecting to find them here, just venting).

Whay do I REALLY wanna do with my life?

What does CardiacDork really want from life? Forget the money, the success, the title, the benefits, the perks, this or that.

I am getting to the point where I am asking myself, "man what's gonna make YOU happy? Forget everyone else!"

I have been torn between NP and CRNA. Most of my reasons for CRNA attributes to the market/value reasons. Yes, I have a tremendous thirst for knowledge and I feel that CRNA school can provide that. But do I want to REALLY want to pursue this career? Is that a good reason to pursue this career? Truthfully I can become an incredibly knowledgeable NP, and be of much more use to patients being in a position I WANT to be in.

Perhaps, just maybe if I do something I truly love then I can find true success there. Internal peace and a sense of achievement.

Truth be told I do see myself in that role of an NP or a nursing profesor... I know wild!

I've always had a thing for teaching others. I remember in school how much I loved explaining topics to my classmates and underclass students. Holding tutoring sessions, I don't know why but that so fulfilling.

What does fulfill me from my current position as an ICU Nurse? Educating my patients when they're awake. I love educating and explaining. Translating what may seem dull or difficult into exciting and easy.

My close friend even commented on this when I was excitedly explaining electron/photon emission and the spectrum of colors produced by elements. They made a comment about how excited I get when I teach something.

I don't want to wait until I'm 35 to realize I'm doing something I can't stand.

I think often of how much I would enjoy being an NP, promoting wellness and health and maybe teaching nursing on the side of having tutoring services.

This is MY life and I need to go out after the things I want. I only have THiS life to live. The money will come. The money will follow, I truthfully believe that all the money in the world isn't worth a dime if I'm unhappy.

-CardiacDork ASN, RN

Specializes in LTC.

I'd just like to offer the perspective from someone a little further down the road, AGE-wise. (I am not a nurse, I'm a student).

The #1 thing that comes to mind when reading your post is that it sounds like you do have the freedom & ability to change your mind. I'm guessing you don't have children depending on you. So SO many people have painted themselves into a corner and have no way out. There is no time to think about true happiness because each day is just focused on survival. (Maslow comes to mind).

If you have the opportunity to do what makes you truly happy, seize it. Whatever that may be. No one -- NO ONE -- is going to care or be affected by your choices as much as you are. Letting go of what others may think of us is a difficult transition, and one that doesn't happen overnight. But it can be so freeing. Also, realizing that not one single step on your journey was pointless, or a waste. Every moment that leads you to this moment, at this time, on this day, is a moment that shapes you as a person. Knowledge is gained in every setting. That will continue to happen, regardless of which direction you go.

So my post is just meant to say, follow your gut. It's telling you. Do it while you are able to do so.

In moments of stress or anxiety, I often question what I'm doing. But the next thought in my mind is: If I quit right now and walked away from nursing school, what would I do? What would I WANT to do? What else can I picture myself doing? What would that look like? And the fact is, right now, there is nothing. Nothing at all. So I push forward. For me, having these moments brings me peace in my decision, and helps me know I'm on the right path for me, at this time in my life. But if you can close your eyes and picture anything else for yourself that is within reach -- man, go for it. Just do it.

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Specializes in ICU, LTACH, Internal Medicine.

It looks like, IMH(umble) O, that you are running into Frodo Baggins syndrome. You made a goal, dedicated so much efforts to it, and now when at least something of it becomes a close reach, you just stop feel like you really wanted it that much, and there is no clarity beyond it. Which is totally human and normal. My whole permanent circle mostly consists of high profile scientists - these guys live their entire lives permanently in this modus operandi.

Your "thirst for knowledge" can be satisfied while being FNP just as well as CRNA. It will be different kind of knowledge, but it can still be there. It is completely up to YOU and nobody else to grow or go stale, to learn or chew on old wives' tales. Only one thing you really need to know is what exactly you really, truly love to do - and what doing so implies in each capacity.

I could become a CRNA. It definitely would take a bit more efforts than getting into FNP program but I know I could do it. From money/prestige point of view, it would definitely better hit than FNP. But I just know that I would hate, with all my old and tired heart, to be seen, essentially, as a servant of The Great and Mighty Mister Surgeon. To get up at like 4am. To be involved in endless political battle in the name of "independent practice". To sit in scrubs in forever freezing OR. To become a certified drug distributor/unproven procedures pusher in some pain clinic. To dedicate so much and then sit jobless if my family would be thrown again in some National lab spot in the very middle of nowhere. It all weighted more negatives for me than any attached positives, but it was just me. For someone else, that could be different.

On the other hand, while I am a strict adept of the point of view that "the answer on question" can anybody really be so stupid? " is always" yes", these spectacular examples do not drive me crazy that much. I can answer those endless questions of "can you give me some pain pill for my back pain? now, how about my hip pain? now, what are you going to do to help me with my left knee? and right knee?" (and so forth, forever). I have a kind of strange fun untangling the symptoms which are results of not a disease but entirely of human ignorance and silliness. I do not feel depressed even communicating with those so-called" caregivers" comparing with whom the worst CNA would pass for a university professor.

So, it is really about you. Take your time choosing, enjoy your best years as much as you can. Discover things in nursing. Discover the world. And make the decision when YOU are ready.

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Specializes in allergy and asthma, urgent care.

I think you've answered your own question. You know what you want, and it's ok to let the CRNA thing go and look towards another goal.

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Specializes in Critical Care.
It looks like, IMH(umble) O, that you are running into Frodo Baggins syndrome. You made a goal, dedicated so much efforts to it, and now when at least something of it becomes a close reach, you just stop feel like you really wanted it that much, and there is no clarity beyond it. Which is totally human and normal. My whole permanent circle mostly consists of high profile scientists - these guys live their entire lives permanently in this modus operandi.

This really made me think, obviously I'm by no means a scientist. But I do have this true and genuine passion for science. I cannot really articulate it into words but I love love LOVE science. I mean I love it all! Chemistry biology, physics, and even maths. I love astronomy too. As a child I wanted to be an astronaut. Then I wanted to be a microbiologist. I never grew up wanting to be an RN, that's just the truth. It was a pragmatic and practical choice.

When I was in high school, I never dreamed of becoming a nurse. I did however think about being a microbiologist. IDK why! You know what I thought of a lot? I was extremely interested in the way HIV replicated and ways we could stop it. Idk why. But it was a bit obsessive. I would spend hour as a 16 year old learning about how viruses replicate.

Anyway, I hope I don't live in this permanent state because my mind may be on the science side lol.

The only success I want is the success of making myself happy. The thought of being an NP with an emphasis on wellness definitely tickles my interests. Also I'm happy with thoughts of teaching nursing students, just really conveying topics to them like patho or pharm.

I would also enjoy research and I think it satisfy my inquisitive mind? But idk how far nursing can take me in the field of scientific research, that would be some research for me to do.

The bottom line is I don't see myself as an invasive clinician ... if that makes sense?

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Specializes in Critical Care.

I really appreciate everyone's support. I know this is a process in the works and really starting to do what I wanna do because it makes me happy not because it impresses any group of people/friends/family is truly the first step. Even admitting that is hard, because no one wants to admit they're trying to conform to society or impress or be good enough for their parents/family/friends... you know? But yeah. That takes some cajones and it's my first big step.

Better now than when I'm older and unhappy or locked up in some OR wondering why I'm not doing what I loved but now have no choice because I'm 150K in debt. Oh heck no.

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With that academic load and working, where is the time for fun? At 25 you should be having a blast.

Preparing for the future is great and all that, but it does not seem like you could have a good work- life balance.

If you end up not liking where you landed at 35, you have plenty of time to change it.

Now go out and party.

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Specializes in CCRN.

I completely understand how you are feeling. I really though I wanted to be a NP. Started the program and got to clinicals and realized I hated it. I didn't like being the one telling the nurses what to do. I wanted to be there doing the work still. That, along with a few other things about the role that I really didn't like, and I switched programs.

The one thing I wish I had done was shadow a NP for a shift to see what it was really going to be like (not just my ideas of what it would've been like). I highly recommend anyone considering a career to shadow someone in that career. Ask a lot of questions to see if your ideas of the career are the same as the reality. If there's something you are passionate about, definitely look at that path. You are still very young and have a lot of time to figure it out. Good luck!

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Truth be told I do see myself in that role of an NP or a nursing profesor... I know wild!

I've always had a thing for teaching others. I remember in school how much I loved explaining topics to my classmates and underclass students. Holding tutoring sessions, I don't know why but that so fulfilling.

What does fulfill me from my current position as an ICU Nurse? Educating my patients when they're awake. I love educating and explaining. Translating what may seem dull or difficult into exciting and easy.

My close friend even commented on this when I was excitedly explaining electron/photon emission and the spectrum of colors produced by elements. They made a comment about how excited I get when I teach something.

I'm a nursing student (hence the username -duh!). I have met nursing professors who are passionate, knowledgeable, and talented teachers... and I have met some who are not.

If you truly feel a passion for education, please pursue it!

We need great teachers to train great (future) nurses!

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Specializes in Critical Care.
With that academic load and working, where is the time for fun? At 25 you should be having a blast.

Preparing for the future is great and all that, but it does not seem like you could have a good work- life balance.

If you end up not liking where you landed at 35, you have plenty of time to change it.

Now go out and party.

I still manage to party, trust me ;)

But yes I'm having a hard time balancing.

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Specializes in Emergency / Disaster.

So I'm not 25 anymore but I gave birth at 25. It changed my life. I was a well established database programmer. I had built a KanBan system that went into place at GE Aircraft Engines. I wrote the billing system for one of the first publicly available TV top video phones. I worked with some of the largest consulting companies in America. Then I had a baby. I became a mom. I quit my job. I actually started teaching aerobics. I went from $200 an hour to $10. I learned a lot of financial lessons because a pay cut like that is hard to deal with. Eventually I homeschooled her. I didn't even finish my degree I was working on at the time. I went through a horrible divorce. The last 3 years have been quite pivotal for us. She graduated high school and is now in college. I graduated and realized I don't want to program any more. I began pursuing the PhD I thought I wanted. I went and sat in on a class and realized that isn't who I am anymore. This year I will turn 45 with a 20 year old kid. So many things have changed - but I don't have responsibilities now (except my cats and my mortgage and her when she comes home to visit).

I am a 5-10 year planner too. When I realized that it was going to take me 8 years to get my PhD - I knew it wasn't for me. Not because I don't want a PhD - but because I didn't want to spend 8 years on THAT PhD. I really sat down to evaluate my life - what I've done and what I want to do. When one of my professors asked me why I wanted to get my PhD I said "why not - nothing is stopping me except me".

This is where you are right now - nothing is stopping you. It honestly doesn't matter if its the right choice 10 years from now as long as its the right choice today. Money comes and goes. Student loans get paid off. If you ever plan to have a family - it WILL "get in the way". It is an emotional and physical commitment - even if it is something that you want. Choices have to be made as well as sacrifices. These aren't bad - they just are what they are - this is life. Things that haven't happened to you yet could change your future choices and what you choose TODAY could be all wrong for tomorrow and you will have to start over again - you can't plan for this so don't even worry about it. Moms and dads make different choices than couples without children who make different choices than people in relationships who make different choices than singles. Its about where you are TODAY and what you can do TODAY.

I promise you this - if you seek happiness on the outside - it will always elude you. Happiness comes from being content with where you are now. Not from money, education, people, or any THING you can touch, taste, smell hear or buy. Happiness is a gift from yourself.

Within reason - do what makes you happy!

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