Absolutely the most entertaining birth plan I have ever read....

[Mermaid4]

While I realize we ALL promote less intervention and everything that goes along with "natural" delivery, I just HAVE to share this birth plan. It arrived along with a smiling primip with ruptured membranes on a crazy night that included a twin mom arriving in labor ending up with a femoral line for surgery due to no iv access, a stat section for face presentation, and a big blow up fight with an idiot anesthesiologist....So, you can probably all understand why this would strike me as funny and , given the superstition of OB nurses in particular and nurses in general, here goes...

Hi there. My name is ( )...My husband ( ) will be with me in labor. ( no significant others, boyfriends or other like surprises will attend).

I have heard stories about labor and delivery and have heard from more than one nurse and even one doctor that it is not like the baby channel. I get that, therefore...

I am open to drugs of any sort, any kind any time. This includes Ivs, epidurals, pills and anything else you have available. If I am standing in front of you for any reason on or near my due date and there is even a remote chance I am staying, I want my epidural just after I introduce myself. Seriously. I am NOT interested in a natural delivery. Not even one iota. Not one.

I am bottle feeding. It isn't popular I know but thats the way it is. So don't even try to talk me out of it. My mom has tried and failed. It isn't happening.

My husband is not interested in cutting the cord.

He is interested in simply remaining conscious.

I would like to labor down AFTER I get my epidural.

I don't want an epis but if I need one, feel free.

My mom is a nurse and she has always said whatever you do, make friends with your nurses. I am cool with that.

So, we both have an extended large family that can be really annoying.

Please don't tell my mom that or let her read our birth plan.

She is one of the annoying people.

She means well.

If any one in the family gets in the way of my nurse, feel free to tell them to leave.

If anyone speaks up or contradicts my nurse,

feel free to tell them to leave.

If I am in serious labor, ready to push or just in a bad way I want EVERYone out of my room.

(My husband and my nurse can stay, and the doctor too if the nurses think he should.)

And, if the family has to leave I don't want them hanging around outside my door trying to listen in.

They go to the family room or they go home.

My nurse is in charge of them.(thanks a million for that- I would rather my nurse field my mother than me. I have been trying to do that for 27 years).

The only way our baby gets a circ is if the pediatrician gives him some pain medicine, otherwise, no go.

If you can help in any way, cool.

Thanks a lot for all your help.

Nurses rule!

Isn't that absolutely the most hilarious nurse friendly birthing plan? And, it is verbatim!

Made my crazy night.....:rotfl:

[baby&mommynurse]

I love it, I love it!! I always joked to my co-workers that when I have a baby, I would have a birth plan just like all those "I-want-to-be-in-control-of-my-delivery" soon to be parents out in this world. This one inspires me to create a super funny one that my family, friends and co-workers will truly appreciate.

[NoCrumping]

I'm a doula and I've seen my share of birthplans.

That, by far, is the most hilarious one that I've ever seen.

I think that the funniest I've ever seen was the mom who wanted various pieces of music playing at various times in labor. Brahms Concerto for latent, something more upbeat for active to the songs that she wanted in transition, 8cm, 9cm, 10 cm, a song to be played if she had a lip of cervix left, another one while pushing, yet another song to be played while crowning (I think it was the song that went "Let the Sunshine In"), one to be cued as soon as the head came out all leading up to a song as soon as the baby's feet cleared the lady partsl opening. I don't have a copy of it because I wasn't her doula.

I was wondering, if she wanted a doula for comfort measures and I suppose she did because she didn't want interventions, maybe she should have ordered a conductor to orchestrate all that! (no pun intended)

Yes, she was a primip and probably didn't know that the world of L&D doesn't lend itself to easy schedules. It's all decided by the baby, not the conductor.

You are serious???!!!! And she expected a NURSE, or anybody for that matter, to tend to these music selections???? I would have laughed in her face... LOUDLY:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: . I dont care if she was my only patient for the entire shift.Some people......... ya know what? These are the ones who end up having crash sections, ironically. Unbelievable.

[SmilingBluEyes]

My friend used to say (years ago)

"get your feces coagulated"

I used to laugh hard and long at her when she said it.

sorry for the hijack....

[kmrmom42]

I think my own daughter (6 months pregnant) could have written that birth plan......especially the part about the annoying mother who means well!

:rotfl: Not only did you words make me smile but your avatar did too!

Thanks for the giggle!

[kmrmom42]

I'm a doula and I've seen my share of birthplans.

That, by far, is the most hilarious one that I've ever seen.

I think that the funniest I've ever seen was the mom who wanted various pieces of music playing at various times in labor. Brahms Concerto for latent, something more upbeat for active to the songs that she wanted in transition, 8cm, 9cm, 10 cm, a song to be played if she had a lip of cervix left, another one while pushing, yet another song to be played while crowning (I think it was the song that went "Let the Sunshine In"), one to be cued as soon as the head came out all leading up to a song as soon as the baby's feet cleared the lady partsl opening. I don't have a copy of it because I wasn't her doula.

I was wondering, if she wanted a doula for comfort measures and I suppose she did because she didn't want interventions, maybe she should have ordered a conductor to orchestrate all that! (no pun intended)

Yes, she was a primip and probably didn't know that the world of L&D doesn't lend itself to easy schedules. It's all decided by the baby, not the conductor.

Years ago I knew a psychotherapist who was also a musician. She advertised something similar as part of her practice. She would help expectant parents plan the music that would coordinate with the different stages of labor. As a childbirth educator I thought her ideas were intriguing but impractical. I think the most important thing about music in a birthing room is that it be a rhythm that helps the mother keep a normal pace to her breathing. (Polka music is out!!!) Also, it is important that the music chosen not be TOO irritating to the labor nurse (recalling a patient blasting real down home country music which kept me out of the room much of the day)!! Just kidding about that last.... :rotfl:

[nursingblahblah]

No Significant others, BOYFRIENDS, or other suprises........is she saying they have them, or that they just won't be arriving at the hospital during birth?

i was thinking that too

[MamaTheNurse, BSN, RN]

loved this birthplan!!!! where was this lady when I was working L&D? it got so that when people mentioned that they had a birthplan, I had to consciously supress a groan.......... (and then go stamp the c-sec papers just in case)

[Mugwump53]

I work with a Doc who hates birth plans. In fact, he tells his patients who come to him with a birth plan, to hit the road. Up front, he tells them he cannot be their doctor.

I think, even he, would like this birth plan.

[SmilingBluEyes]

Those wanting the music to change w/each stage of labor and each breathing pattern, well they better hire a DJ. We dont' have time for that. Somehow I think these are a wee bit unrealistic; they are the ones who will have the hardest transition to parenthood after baby is here! You can't plan everything to death, esp with KIDS! :)

[sbic56, BSN, RN]

Mermaid

Thanks for sharing. I just forwarded that birth plan to my OB cohorts. I'm sure they'll love it as much as I did!

[Dalzac, LPN, LVN, RN]

Birth plans?

I've never heard of such a thing. God, I wish they'd had em back in 1970.

Things would have been alot different for me and my baby.

Me too. my first two births were disasters because I would go from 3cms to ten in 60 seconds not a happy way to go. I was very nasty at the end becuase I couldn't get a nurse to check me until I would be crowning in the labor room and barely make it to delivery. My 3rd birth was much easier because my Doc told them when they called him to tell him I had come in "when she says check me you better go in with a catcher's mitt!"

[sbic56, BSN, RN]

Me too. my first two births were disasters because I would go from 3cms to ten in 60 seconds not a happy way to go. I was very nasty at the end becuase I couldn't get a nurse to check me until I would be crowning in the labor room and barely make it to delivery. My 3rd birth was much easier because my Doc told them when they called him to tell him I had come in "when she says check me you better go in with a catcher's mitt!"

You are so fortunate to have had births as you experienced!! The nurses wouldn't have had time to follow any kind of birth plan for you except to CATCH! :chuckle