Absolutely the most entertaining birth plan I have ever read....

WhatToDo · Apr 20, 2005

It seems that this lady's mother and family were totally okay with not being in the room when she was pushing which is good. When I first read this all I could think of was my mother and how I would explain to anyone about my family situation.

My mother has borderline personality disorder and severe depression and has abused me my whole life. I haven't spoken to her in 2 years now, but if and when I have children, no one but my husband and maybe a trusted friend will be allowed it the room (other than doctors and nurses). My mother would love to be the room so she could finally see my lady parts and compare it to hers, make fun of my pubic hair or say something like "well I guess now you know the kind of pain I went through to have you" or "she should have an episiotomy, I had two."

These things are never fun to tell anyone, many people just can't comprehend how any mother could treat her child this way, but it happens and I hope when I'm a nurse that I will know it when I see it and handle it with no questions asked.

kmrmom42 · Apr 20, 2005

I work with a Doc who hates birth plans. In fact, he tells his patients who come to him with a birth plan, to hit the road. Up front, he tells them he cannot be their doctor.
I think, even he, would like this birth plan.

Well the good thing about this is that the patient finds out right away that this is not the doctor for her!

rn/writer, RN · Apr 21, 2005

Thanks for sharing this hilarious plan. It's nice to see the thoughts of someone who has at least an acquaintance with reality.

"If I am in serious labor, ready to push or just in a bad way I want EVERYone out of my room.

(My husband and my nurse can stay, and the doctor too if the nurses think he should.)" :chuckle:chuckle:chuckle

That last line is fabulous.

Miranda F.

sunnynurse · Apr 21, 2005

LOved that birthplan!! We always groan when someone comes in with a birth plan, or as we call them.... "KOD" the Kiss of Death.

If anyone wants a birth plan we always suggest that they review it with the midwife or doctor PRIOR to labor! Also it is more impressive to come in with a birth plan NOT copied directly off the internet... for goodness sake, just copy it to your word processing and make the changes then print that ! LOL we do laugh at the ones with the options left blank - like who will be there and husband, boyfriend, signifcant other are all listed!

Jennifernsammy · Apr 21, 2005

YYEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! What I would give for a primip to come in with one of those- TO TO wonderful. I hope she breezed through things like a champ. It made my day!

hermam · Apr 21, 2005

:chuckle I laughed and laughed!I'm pregnant with my 5th--My oldest is 17(yes 17) and my youngest is 5- and I can say I have given birth 4 times without pain med intervention (but that's not to say I'm not open to it with this bambino if necessary) I breast fed 2 out of the 4 and indecisive with this child. I never even heard of a birth plan until recently.I wonder how I ever did get through the other births without one??? :) :) As for my husband--well, with the first he was pale and looked like he needed medical intervention. with the second and third they came so quick his head was spinning,but with the 4th-well she was my longest labor and he felt the need to ask me to "speed things up?" 'cause he had things to get done!!!:angryfire He's lucky he's alive. I guess in a nutshell my plan will be to go with the flow ----Thanks for the laugh .I really needed it today!

blueinplaid · Apr 21, 2005

I am not in OB, but thank you for the wonderful laugh!:chuckle

Deb22222 · May 16, 2005

I've been a L&D nurse for 20 years, and this birth plan is the best I've ever seen!!

Thank goodness for patients with sense of humors!!

BENNETTRN · May 17, 2005

I like birth plans, this one included. It's great when a woman knows what she wants. This quote is a little odd, makes me wonder where she is getting her information. Yeah, its funny, but I am not falling over with glee just because she said nice things about my profession. Minerva
"I am open to drugs of any sort, any kind any time. This includes Ivs, epidurals, pills and anything else you have available. If I am standing in front of you for any reason on or near my due date and there is even a remote chance I am staying, I want my epidural just after I introduce myself. Seriously. I am NOT interested in a natural delivery. Not even one iota. Not one.
I am bottle feeding. It isn't popular I know but thats the way it is. So don't even try to talk me out of it. My mom has tried and failed. It isn't happening."

Minerva and Gompers- I think you took the birth plan to seriously, I dont think she wanted to say "Hi my name is such and such and, then immediatley flop out her back side with anesth armed and ready. As for the part about the family being present, who cares if she didnt have the guts, not everyone is assertive, and some are to assertive. For those who are not, the nurse is the pts advocate, if she doesnt want certain people in there then take care of it in a appropriate way, have you never done that before? I have, it doesnt bother me a bit. I have also seen pts tell people to leave the room and alot of times, certain family members will wiggle their way back in, and it isnt unreasonable that the pt maybe to exhausted or in to much pain to keep telling people that she doesnt want them there and to leave, Im happy to step in, in a very nice way! So dont read more into the birth plan than is there. ITS REFRESHING AND HILARIOUS!

BENNETTRN · May 17, 2005

While I realize we ALL promote less intervention and everything that goes along with "natural" delivery, I just HAVE to share this birth plan. It arrived along with a smiling primip with ruptured membranes on a crazy night that included a twin mom arriving in labor ending up with a femoral line for surgery due to no iv access, a stat section for face presentation, and a big blow up fight with an idiot anesthesiologist....So, you can probably all understand why this would strike me as funny and , given the superstition of OB nurses in particular and nurses in general, here goes...
Hi there. My name is ( )...My husband ( ) will be with me in labor. ( no significant others, boyfriends or other like surprises will attend).
I have heard stories about labor and delivery and have heard from more than one nurse and even one doctor that it is not like the baby channel. I get that, therefore...
I am open to drugs of any sort, any kind any time. This includes Ivs, epidurals, pills and anything else you have available. If I am standing in front of you for any reason on or near my due date and there is even a remote chance I am staying, I want my epidural just after I introduce myself. Seriously. I am NOT interested in a natural delivery. Not even one iota. Not one.
I am bottle feeding. It isn't popular I know but thats the way it is. So don't even try to talk me out of it. My mom has tried and failed. It isn't happening.
My husband is not interested in cutting the cord.
He is interested in simply remaining conscious.
I would like to labor down AFTER I get my epidural.
I don't want an epis but if I need one, feel free.
My mom is a nurse and she has always said whatever you do, make friends with your nurses. I am cool with that.
So, we both have an extended large family that can be really annoying.
Please don't tell my mom that or let her read our birth plan.
She is one of the annoying people.
She means well.
If any one in the family gets in the way of my nurse, feel free to tell them to leave.
If anyone speaks up or contradicts my nurse,
feel free to tell them to leave.
If I am in serious labor, ready to push or just in a bad way I want EVERYone out of my room.
(My husband and my nurse can stay, and the doctor too if the nurses think he should.)
And, if the family has to leave I don't want them hanging around outside my door trying to listen in.
They go to the family room or they go home.
My nurse is in charge of them.(thanks a million for that- I would rather my nurse field my mother than me. I have been trying to do that for 27 years).
The only way our baby gets a circ is if the pediatrician gives him some pain medicine, otherwise, no go.
If you can help in any way, cool.
Thanks a lot for all your help.
Nurses rule!
Isn't that absolutely the most hilarious nurse friendly birthing plan? And, it is verbatim!
Made my crazy night.....:rotfl:

I LOVE IT, THANKS SO MUCH FOR SHARING, I TOO WILL BE PRINTING IT AND TAKING IT TO HANG ON THE BOARD! EVERYONE WILL GET A GOOD LAUGHT AT IT!

BabyRN2Be · May 17, 2005

those wanting the music to change w/each stage of labor and each breathing pattern, well they better hire a dj. we dont' have time for that. somehow i think these are a wee bit unrealistic; they are the ones who will have the hardest transition to parenthood after baby is here! you can't plan everything to death, esp with kids! :)

i told her that it was a bit unrealistic to have a different song playing at each highlight of labor. and i also told her that if she wanted someone to attend to her, she better hire a dj because i'm not going to have time to work with her and play conductor at the same time. no stinking way. she didn't seem to grasp that there might not be time for all those songs. if she went from 7-10cms in 5 minutes, then there would be several songs left out. as she was a primip, she might not have had any idea that the last few minutes of labor would be chaotic and changing music would be the last idea on anyone's mind, if there was even time. things happen fast, gotta be quick... baby won't wait for momma's favorite tunes.

one birth plan i've seen was seriously 10 typed pages long, and not the ones you get from the internet, which i loathe. in this birthplan, she introduced everyone on her birth team, and rambled why certain people wouldn't be there. here's an example:

my husband tom will be in the room. we met back in may 2000 in this italian restaurant. he was head server and i was hostessing. i had the hots for him from the beginning but he wasn't interested for a few months. then, finally, he did ask me out on a simple date. it wasn't much, going out to watch the cubs play st. louis. he bought me a hot dog and we both had some beer which lead to some "confessions" about work and about "us." we started dating shortly after that and got married in june of 2002. while we were dating, we talked about how many kids we wanted and when. we are very proud to announce that our first one is coming the month we said we wanted to have our first child. he has read many childbirth books with me and has attended classes with me except for one night he had to go to work because a coworker named matt forgot to check the schedule and no one could reach him. but i gave him a rundown of the class and he knows a lot. he wants to cut the cord and take pictures when we are allowed.

by the way, i don't like your hospital's policy regarding photography. i don't know why we can't film the delivery as this is a once in a lifetime moment for us, and like everything else we want it captured on video. i guess we'll abide by your rules, but you all need to consider changing them in the future, sometime before the year 2008 when we have our second child. i think that three years is good spacing for kids. we were told that by a prominent psychologist so we're going with his suggestions. so, if you could get the video regulations changed, we'd appreciate it.

this birth plan continued on in that vein for 10 pages. it went on to elaborate on their feelings towards pain meds, pushing, episiotomy (including what happened to great aunt carol), breastfeeding (a play by play of her mom's arguments about it). after reading about 5 pages of it, i told her that it needed to be seriously shortened.

i urge all my clients to keep it to half a page if possible. you don't have to spell out your requirements if you want a natural birth. nurses know that you'll probably want the lights low, play a little music, use the shower and it doesn't have to be spelled out.

i think that i'm getting to the point that a lot of birthplans are pretty useless. the staff usually doesn't have time to read them. some nurses have preconceived notions of those who use birthplans. some birth plans aren't even read and immediately hit the "round file." i encourage my clients to work up a birthplan as an exercise to get them to think what they want in birth. i like to inform women of their choices they may have and i also tell them to keep things "loose." l&d is a world of it's own and sometimes making up a plan of what you want to happen is not only futile, but it might lead to discouragement when something doesn't go right according to plan.

i'm not saying that pts shouldn't make up a birth plan, use it as a thinking exercise and always run it by your pcp in order to avoid any "surprises." you might think not having an iv would be great, but there are so many docs who don't think so. you need to be on the same page to avoid miscommunications.

as usual, i'm rambling here. thanks again to the op for posting it. it was hilarious, and i appreciate the laugh. :)

Deaconess · May 22, 2005

I will be giving birth to my second child by this coming Friday 5/27 come natural contractions or Pitocin. I did make a birth plan, but I will probably not bother taking it to the hospital. For me, it has served the purpose of helping me to think through some of the choices I might need to make. It doesn't contain any information that I can not tell the L&D nurses at the time - they may monitor me however seems prudent, my veins are tricky to thread with the IV catheter, and I will probably want an epidural.

Inspired by this birth plan, I did try to include some humor in mine. For example, the title is "Hannah's Birth Plan (for what its worth)".