is nursing school harming your relationship too?

Nepenthe Sea · Jan 18, 2010

I have heard that NS is hell on relationships. Luckily, my boyfriend is older than me and pretty mature, and he understands that I have to go to school in order to support myself and my kids. We don't live together, and we only get to see each other about once a week while I'm in school. I miss him, and I know he misses me, but my schooling is just as important to him as it is to me. if I TRIED to slack off and spend more time with him, he would tell me to go home and study. To me, THAT is a supportive boyfriend.

I think it's very hard for non-nursing people to understand how demanding this is. Have you shown him your schedule? Or maybe a care plan? I think that my mother used to think that I exaggerated about the amount of time I spend studying, writing care plans, etc. so I actually showed her a care plan one day. She seems more understanding after that.

It just may be that he is feeling insecure after getting to spend more time with you in the past. Try to spend a few hours a week just hanging out with him, and don't let anything get in the way of that. Everybody needs a break anyway, and if that regularly sheduled time is there, you will both have something to look forward to every week. Hopefully he will start to see that there will be a light at the end of your "tunnel vision" and be a little more supportive. If it doesn't get better, I would have to re-consider the relationship.

I always tell people that I treat school as a full-time job. And I study like peoples' lives depend on it...because it's true!

Finally my Time · Jan 18, 2010

I will be starting Nursing school Fall 2010 and I must say I've wondered the same thing about my husband. That being said, I do realize he is here for me and will be here when I am done nursing. I am sure it will take some effort to maintain our relationship, but BOTH of us are willing to do our part.

It sounds like you guys are young. Right now, he can't see the big picture which is ok. You just have to always put you first and take care of yourself. My mother always says, make sure you always keep your life in order in case things take a turn for the worst...Get your education! If he can't understand that, then he may not be the one for you... If it wasn't school he'll find something else to be upset about. For instance, if you had to work 60 hrs a week at a low paying job to make ends meet, he'd be upset about that too.. You come first. Stay focused and give yourself the gift of an education.

caliotter3 · Jan 18, 2010

If he is not willing to support you through this important time while you prepare for your career, how can he expect the same from you in similar circumstances? He is too self-centered. Concentrate where you need to concentrate. He will hang in there if he chooses. If not, you can find someone who cares more about you and appreciates what you are trying to do with your life. Good luck with school.

melmarie23, MSN, RN · Jan 18, 2010

My husband has been extremely supportive. Its been tough at times because during the semester I am constantly stressed (mostly due to the fact that I am a perfectionist and am very hard on myself at times) and the sheer amount of time that school absorbs. But we both can see the end result and how close it is and how much happier I am going to be.

IMO, its important to surround yourself with those who wish you well and are supportive of your goals and ambitions.

ohmylove · Jan 18, 2010

Oh my goodness! I'm not the only one!!

Last night I went through the same exact thing. To top it all off when my boyfriend calls me .. I'll still be looking through my books and not giving him my undivided attention. I keep trying to still give him attention because I tried to put myself in his shoes but this program IS demanding ! I want to be an RN so bad that I study all day and it's only at the very end of the day when I give him attention and my nose is STILL in the book. Sigh...

Rednights · Jan 18, 2010

It's not really nursing school if you're relationships aren't being affected =)

Elvish, BSN, DNP, RN, NP · Jan 18, 2010

My boyfriend (who is now my husband of almost 8 years) had NO idea how hard nursing school was, nor what it required - we met when I was halfway through school.

I usually got to see him on the weekends and until one weekend when I had to take some schoolwork with me - along with my 25lb, 1500page textbook - he never really 'got' it. After that, he was a bit more understanding.

I know it is hard - on both of you - to go from being able to devote a good deal of time to each other, but if you are going to do well in school AND afterward, he is going to have to realize what a monumental undertaking it is to be in nursing school. If he's a good man, he'll at least make the effort.

That said, for the sake of your own mental health you might have to take a mini-vacation from school/studying, even if it's just a few hours. That might be a good time for both of you to recharge the relationship batteries. Good luck to both of you.

wife&mommyRN · Jan 18, 2010

hello,

one thing u must remember an absn program is much different than a traditional. your life now is your program! people in your life tend to not comprehend that to well. you think because it's such a short time they would be able to deal with it considering the benifits when it's all done with. you must have a super supportive and understanding partner to endure a program like this. most marriages i have seen do fine, relationships, not so much. i think this program makes/ breaks any relationship. sad to say it broke mine w/in the 1st semester. truthfully it was for the best, you start to see obvious differences in the future than u did before. if you have a partner that has at least been through college they are a little more understanding. i don't think anyone understands other than those that are in the program with you truthfully. hope it works out, whatever happens is for the best :)

sneakymom2011 · Jan 18, 2010

Nursing school is MUCH different than any other kind of school you've done. And even in established relationships/marriages- it can put a strain on it.

I've been married almost 20 years- started NS for the second time last semester. We had problems the first time around- I felt that the family didn't really "see" just how hard I had to work to keep my head above water, and when I didn't pass by 21! points- I was crushed. Determined to prove that I COULD do it- I reapplied for another program and started in August.

Again garbage started happening. Right before the semester ended- things came to an UGLY head. I told dh (after he'd announced that he was going to invite someone to dinner- and what was I! going to make) that he'd been dumping stuff on me for the last 8 weeks, and I was DONE. I wasn't getting any kind of support at all, and for the sake of our relationship- I'd quit. Told the kids the same thing too, I was sick and tired of my teenagers whining b/c they had to do chores (oh no! You have to take out the garbage/ clean up after dinner/ take responsibility!)

After several LONG talks- it got worked out. And so far this semester's working a whole lot smoother than last one. Esp after we all sat down and talked about the positives of me having an RN. Like the fact that might not have to say to my 16 year old in 2 years "Well- you can't go to "X" college b/c we just can't afford it, you can't get any kind of financial aid". Or draw from dh's retirement to fix the roof/heating system/ carpet b/c I have a job that pays a measly $10/hr.

And then I told dh how supportive I had been when he was active duty Navy, and I moved 4 times in 2 years, AND I did a 6 month deployment by myself with an infant, AND that was MUCH more stressful than having to haul kids around/ pick up the slack around here b/c I was trying to do something to help the family.

Not to say that this semester's got it's challenges. I'm in OB/Peds rotation, and my OB clinicals are 12 hrs for the next 4 Saturdays. I already had to miss a concert/ tone down dd's 16th birthday party b/c I was gone ALL DAY Saturday. And there's more things that everyone's going to have to roll with.

But after sitting in the NICU for 8 hours, watching the nurses take care of some very tiny (and sick) babies- I know in my heart this is something I REALLY want to do, and my family has realized that this is a GOOD thing- even if it means craziness for the next year and a half.

Cheryl

j772 · Jan 18, 2010

Thank you all for such great advice & support. I have spoken with my boyfriend & he says he is still committed to making us work. Although I don't think he has any idea what this will mean, I love him & will do what I can to make it work. Good luck to you all as well. It is really nice to have a forum like this where we can vent & get support.

StayLost, BSN, RN · Jan 19, 2010

Sorry, but he sounds like he is being a big baby.

PLEASE DO NOT let someone else keep you from being successful in Nursing school. You have worked very hard to get into your program. Relationships may come and go, but NO ONE can take your BSN from you once you get it!

If someone is totally committed to you, they would see the significance of the sacrifices you are making-- an investment in your future TOGETHER!