When I chose to become a nurse while applying for college I knew it was a good idea. Once I got the opportunity to be a student nurse extern in the CVSICU I knew nursing was the best career path I could've chosen. This was what I was meant to do. Especially in the ICU -- I loved it. Being hired out of college into the same CVSICU in NYC was miraculous and I really loved going to work (Just not weekends haha)
My favorite thing was having patient's family members check when I got in to see if I was going to be with their loved one for the day. The biggest smile I've ever had was when a patient I took care of while intubated and sedated was extubated and the first few words out of his mouth were, "Thank you so much, you're an amazing nurse."
When I was in clinical's I had worked with a patient and over a year later I was in the cafeteria and her daughter came up to me and asked me if I took care of her mother. Her mother was sitting at the other table smiling. She told me her mother wanted to thank me so much, to tell you how kind you were. I made that impression? I did that?
Of course I was a new grad and was put in the line of fire by most of the nurses I worked with. I was 21 and my first job was in the ICU. Needless to say, I wasn't very popular. People used to make plans in front of me for drinks or dinner and never ask me. I also knew from other friends around the unit that many people did talk about me and how I was too young to be here and it wasn't fair that I didn't have to pay my dues. I didn't care what they thought, I was just going to be a nurse that's it.
The last week of my orientation, I thought one of my colleagues was helping me and got me a new insulin bag because my morning load was crazy. I thanked him so much and he hung the bag. I needed to go into a meeting later to talk about my progress on and since my patient was on an insulin drip, I checked the blood sugar--titrated the drip. Hung antibiotics and went to the meeting.
I have a weird memory--or a really good memory. I can recall exact details of an event that happened when I was 2--down to what I ate, what I drank, how I felt and what I was wearing. (My mom is always amazed) During tests I usually closed my eyes because I could picture where the answer was in the book--what graphs were around it or pictures, what was talked about before and after, etc. I have movie dialogue committed to heart. Lyrics that go back to when I was a child -- all those disney animated films. I love music so today is even worse--I know far too many songs. The big picture--I'm very accurate with remembering events.
Before I went to the meeting I adjusted the insulin based on his blood sugar from 3 to 2. His blood sugar was 148. I also knew that the limit on the pump was 12 units per hour. Then you'd have to click like a billion times to override the limit. Up until this time I never made a single medication error with any patient, while in school or working. I left the meeting and checked my patients blood sugar and it was 54. I checked him first, he was asymptomatic. He also had TPN running through so I knew if I turned it off for a about a half hour, it'd come back up. I looked at the pump and it was running at 13u/hr. So over the limit. Using my own nursing judgement I turned off the pump, watched the patient, and went back in, in 15 minutes to check his BS again--it was cropping back up, so I waited another 15 minutes and it was back at 140. Cool. So I could start the drip again and no harm was done. Well, a nurse came in and turned on my pump--I don't know why. She came out yelling that I was trying to hurt the patient by putting it on 13units. I also ran the medication 4 times as fast. "ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL HIM?" I remember she said. The nurse that got me the insulin came in at that point to point out the bag was expired -- even before he hung it (yes, I know it's my fault and my responsibility because I was supposed to check. I guess I thought we were helping each other. My bad)
So 3 med errors on the second to last day of orientation? The rooms have cameras, I asked to see footage because I knew with 150% certainty that I didn't do these things. They said it was deleted already.
Interim wise - my father was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer the day before I was hired. I was dealing with it, but it wasn't easy. After those med errors, all of a sudden I was an unfit nurse despite not making a single mistake previously. And these errors being VERY questionable. I knew my job was gone. I was crying in a conference room--hating myself and thinking that my dream of being an icu nurse and then being an anesthetist was ruined. Two of the educators saw me take a klonopin (I was no longer working) and had them because of what was going on with my dad. They automatically wanted to take me down to the psych ER. I was never so humiliated in my life. Naturally I wouldn't go.
That was Dec '11. I went back home to take care of my father. Radiation daily, chemo, doctors appointments, making sure he was okay in the house. Made sure he ate properly...cooked things that he craved. Kept him company.
I've been working per diem since. Mainly outpatient places, but I've managed to keep up my payments on my loans and even went on a cruise. So as time passed and he was getting better I set out to find another job--a full time job.
I've been looking for something, ANYTHING for the last three months. I'm at the point where if I talk about working I cry, I get so agitated and when I'm not doing something work related I can only thing about work. I can't pay my loans anymore. My parents are unable to help. No one wants someone who worked for 5 months as an RN in the icu and 4 as a student nurse extern (Bull-S that we couldn't do anything--I had my own patients at the end and was pushing fentanyl.)
I haven't had a year in an acute care facility. I have 5 months. Then 4 months as an OR/PACU/Pre-op nurse in an outpatient facility. I was per diem there but I worked up to 65 hours a week and it was like I was full time. Other per diem jobs were day jobs to week jobs.
When applying online there's no way for me to explain my situation. I can't get anyone on the phone. I feel like I'm old and washed up at 24. I know my information, I study even when I'm working--someone just give me a chance to show how much I'm capable of.
I need a purpose, a feeling of worth. I honestly feel like a waste of space and that I contribute nothing to society. Yes, it is depressing. I even applied to a clothing store for something and they said I didn't have enough experience. A surf shop? Really?
This year so far, my dads cancer showed up again, my beloved dog died, my grandfather was put into hospice and my aunt is in hospice and only has a few days left.
I need something. I've started looking in NJ, Connecticut, Long Island and California. (California because thats where I dream to live)
Does anyone have any advice? I have my BLS and PALS, I'm getting my ACLS in a few weeks.But I don't think that makes me any more desirable. I'd take the CCRN if they'd let me. Are there any other certifications that look good? I graduated with a 3.8 and a 3.97 in sciences from nyu. (not that a school matters at this point) I don't know where to look. Any suggestions?
I don't want to quit nursing, but am at a point if something doesn't show up soon I'll be applying to a masters/doctorate program in psychotherapy.
