Your Favorite one liner used with patients

Nurses Humor

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I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his face and my instructors was priceless!! I was curious what other things people have said or say to patients to break the ice.

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This was said to me while undergoing a C-Section with my 1st child. A younger male nurse tells the doc "hey, doctor________ you are doing very well for your first c-sec". OMG! I was so scared and they were all busting up laughing, including my hubby.

Specializes in Home Health, Med/Surg.
Ooooohhhh, I wish I had had this today. I have a kid who's one of those neuro screamers, you know? When he decides it's time to howl, it is ON. When he really gets worked up, he screams so hard he vomits everywhere. And he also has a chest tube and a PEJ, as he has a TEF, along with a VP shunt. He's also sort of a messy (and often smelly) kid, so I make a point of doing his bath at around 0500, so he's clean and pretty for day shift. After his bath I usually get a couple of good hours to finish everything else up, as his bath tends to conk him out. And eeeeevery morning at 0630, surgery comes on rounds, and eeeeeevery morning they unswaddle my masterful baby-burrito to check his dressings, and he starts screaming, and they WALK AWAY. :trout: Do they even stick his paci back in his mouth? Duh, no.

baby-burrito! that is too cute! :)

Specializes in Making the Pt laugh..

I am an evil man, definitly not on Santa's "Nice List" some patients are there for my own amusement and I can pick them on admission.

When doing pre-op checklists the section on chronic illness, Diabetes, etc. I always ask about Mad Cow Disease, usualy asking the SO.

When giving an injection I grab the needle, (still in the sheath) and rub it on the tray saying that I noticed it was a bit blunt when I was scrubbing the rust off.

swab the side of their neck before an injection...always gets a result cos when they discover that it is only going into their arm they relax.

Don't worry I wont feel a thing!

You need to have a talk to your mother/grandmother.....she was up all night partying and the rave music is disturbing the other "guests"

I have plenty more but it is late......:devil:/:jester:

I have had numerous male pts. that have been confused and pulling on thier urinary cath. I like telling them "You know that's not a bunge cord" or "You are gonna pull that clean off one of these times" Both seem to grab thier attention enough to get the cath to a safer position, half a roll of tape helps too:lol2:

Specializes in LTC, Surg.

After multiple complaints about a perfectly WONDERFUL aide, I told the patient "I hired her, I didn't RAISE her!" At least the patient had the good grace to blush.

I always tell patients, "You think why you're here is bad? Well, what they forgot to tell you upon admission is that the worst part of all this is the tape removal. There's just no good way to remove tape." And then I tear off all their hair.

that's a good one. But aren;t you supposed to shave the hair before applying tape...?

that's a good one. But aren;t you supposed to shave the hair before applying tape...?

No time I have been a patient have they shaved me for that reason.

Specializes in Postpartum.

I work on a mother/baby unit where we do couplet care. I go into the rooms and explain myself then assess mom, then baby.

For boy babies, just before I open the diaper to check the testes, I say, "Ok do not pee on me, I've already met quota this week." This usually gets chuckles from the parents and them relaxing and telling me about baby peeing on them.

Specializes in LTC.

I've found with liquid meds, esp the nasty ones the phrase "over the lips, past the gums, look out tummy, here it comes," atleast gets a chuckle before the grimace.

In a perpetually busy ER, a friend was discharging a particularly irate mother of a pediatric patient who was upset about the wait time. After she signed the papers, she followed the nurse out to the nurse’s station and loudly berated her for the wait time. The whole time, the nurse was holding the chart inside her crossed arms and nodding matter-of-factly. At the end of the tirade, the woman caped it off with the line, “…and I pay your salary!!!” At that point, the nurse calmly flipped open the chart, held up the face sheet and said, “Oh look, Medicaid. I pay your insurance.” Then she smiled at her and walked away.

The look on that woman’s face was priceless. That was years ago and I still laugh when I think about it.

Specializes in PCU - Stepdown.
After something unpleasant, like an IV stick or a foley insertion, I can't usually help but say "Now who's your favorite nurse?"

That's hilarious! :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

After something unpleasant, like an IV stick or a foley insertion, I can't usually help but say "Now who's your favorite nurse?"

My response to you would be to smile and say "Well I know yo don't LIKE doing that." and it would make me feel better

I had a pt a few years ago who was just inexplicably afraid of her IV start. She fussed and fretted and made pitiful little squeaking noises and finally concluded that the best way for her to get through this was "I'll just CLOSE MY EYES". I told her, "That sounds like a great plan, I'll close mine, too." She sort of started and squealed and said, "Oh, no you won't!"

But it got her laughing and she tolerated her IV start just fine.

I am a needle phobic, TOTALLY freaked out by needles. Once it is in I am fine, it is it going in that I get freaked. But I usually tell my nurse before when she is preparing, "I will probably freak out, and cry. Don't worry I know you don't like doing it and that I need it but I WILL freak out" I do this now because I have scared some of my nurses.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::roll

These remind me of a sharp LOL in by ambulance that I was triaging in the room. When I got to the social habits, I asked if she drank any alcohol (no) smoke any cigarettes (no), snort any heroin. Right away she said, "Nope, gave it up for Lent."

For some reason these questions elicit worry in some pts, so after I've asked about drinking, smoking, and drugs, and they say no to all, I'll ask them if they've removed any tags from mattresses or pillows recently. This always lightens them up.

When I get asked the first question I go No, No, No and No there you go your answers for the next questions. (Drinking, Smoking, Drugs, Preggers) I then usually get asked am I sure I cant be preggers and I say "Not unless it is an immaculate conception."

"I'm really good at this, amazingly good," when starting IVs.

I would LOVE you SO MUCH if I was told this.

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