Your Favorite one liner used with patients - page 18

I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his... Read More

  1. by   fetch33
    Quote from Kylisa02
    When taking off all of the surrounding tape from an IV site, especially on those with hairy arms... I say "this is the free complimentary waxing that we provide"... everyone usually giggles.
    I always say... 'women pay good money for this'
  2. by   sethmctenn
    I had a patient who insisted that only the Lortab with the blue speckles work. None of the other generics do a thing. When he asked what the speckles were made of I told him retsyn like in certs
  3. by   ShyViolet
    When I get a good blood sugar from one of my little grammies, I say "Awww, like I thought. You're perfectly sweet."
    When DTing patients start yanking their Foleys I say "If you yank that thing out then we'll need a urologist to put a bigger one in" or "If you pull that out then you can kiss goodbye all the good things your penis does for you."

    "If you could sleep at night in an ICU, you might get too content and never want to leave" or "We have to make it miserable. It motivates you to get better and leave."

    When delirious patients claim they've called the cops (we don't have phones in our ICU rooms) I like to say "That's fine, I'm the judge's favorite niece."

    "I'm going to put a cool, refreshing stethoscope on your chest and make sure you've got a heart."

    After having taken care of a man in end-stage liver disease every night for several weeks and only speaking to his wife on the phone, I finally met her one night when she stopped by after work. I introduced myself by saying "I'm the 25-year-old blonde who's been spending the night with your husband."

    I once introduced myself to a lovely little old man and said "I'm just going to have to give you a little look-over and you can go back to sleep," to which he replied "Fair enough, I'm giving you a look-over right now."

    When men ask if something will hurt, I say "No more than childbirth, and it'll be a lot quicker."
  4. by   weezledawg
    Alright, I'll make you a deal. I'll give you this Dilaudid and you agree to keep breathing, OK?
  5. by   ellakate
    After catheterization, while attaching the leg bag or bedside drainage bag, I look at the patient very seriously and ask, "Do you know the most difficult thing about wearing a catheter bag?" Then I tell them, "Finding shoes to match!" (I need to get out more, because I crack myself up with that one.)
  6. by   Jess1990
    When doing circ obs on a post-op spinal, he starts wiggling his feet before i even get the sheets off. I say, your a bit keen to prove you can wiggle your toes, to which he respons with, sweetheart, that isnt my feet thats keen
    It had me, my buddy nurse and the patient in stitches =)
  7. by   suanna
    I have occasionally told my post-op CABG patients who are reluctant to C/DB " if they don't start cough'n better they are going to end up in one" (coffin).
  8. by   diane227
    This may not be the right place to post this but I had a guy in the ER steal a prescription blank once and he wrote his own prescription and took it to the pharmacy. It said:
    One pound to go
    And then he tried to forge a physician signature. We posted it in the pharmacy. We had a good laugh.
  9. by   Imafloat
    I work in an open unit. The parents are told on admission that they aren't allowed at other patients bedsides and we aren't allowed to talk about other patients. Sometimes parents will ask how big another baby is, or what's wrong with them. If I have a good rapport with the parent I tell them that if I told them I'd have to kill them. Then I tell them that we aren't allowed to talk about other patients.
  10. by   Spritenurse1210
    Quote from JR816
    And last week I had a mom give birth for the first time. We got along right away. She simply held her breath for a second and smiled. Out popped baby.

    I told her that some men show more facial expression while going to the bathroom.

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I'm going to be smelling Pepsi for the next few hours!
  11. by   Spritenurse1210
    Quote from BanoraWhite
    I had a patient like that when I was working on Christmas Eve. She told me to 'go to hell' and I responded with "I'll see you there. Merry Christmas ! " :wink2:

    I've had a resident tell me that once. I looked at her and said "I'm here aren't I? I thought the elevator dropped me off in the seventh circle. Shoot. I'll just go give Satan a piece of my mind!" After we both laughed I never had another problem with her again
  12. by   callmekipling
    I like to play the straight man.

    "Good to meet you, sorry it's here" is my favorite opener.

    As a tech - "They don't let me play with anything fun, but if you need a soda or something I'm well qualified to get it."

    LOL's come in with bruising/ raccoon eyes - "You're the tough old bird came in from that barfight huh?"

    If they say "at least I'm alive," (and I stole this from a little old lady).. "they say the devil takes care of his own"

    Worse yet, if they're clever too, it's usually worth a smile to admit that I've spent the day's allotment of one-liners!
  13. by   MissUnknown
    If the patient complains about the food I tell them it's part of our free, never failing weight loss system. Usually gets a chuckle.
    And when greeting patients, "I'd ask how you are today, but you're in my ER so I guess that's saying something."

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