Your Favorite one liner used with patients

[scaredofshots]

I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his face and my instructors was priceless!! I was curious what other things people have said or say to patients to break the ice.

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[prmenrs, RN]

OK..not a nursing one as such...but the guy tattooing my back, half way through told me he was needle phobic and hated blood!!!!OMG!!!!!!!, how scared was I???? PLEASE dont pass out tattoo guy...dont want half a symbol on me!!!!!

Didnt go back there btw!

Ask the ED nurses how many people come in, tattooed from top to bottom and back to front, w/a few piercings thrown in for good measure--and announce that they're scared of needles!! :rotfl:

[seasonedlpn]

Male patients ask if inserting a foley will hurt. I usually respond,

"Well.....the hole is ALREADY there..!"

When asking for a urine specimen I've told patients,

"If you won't give it to us, we will take it from you!"

Remember peri-lights in OB? We had a defective one...called maintenance to fix it..When he returned I asked him what was wrong, he said,

"I just had to change the film!!"

[fronkey bean]

When starting iv's I've told pt's they can scream or cry if they want to but they can't hit the nurse.

If they ask me if I've done this before I say "Oh tons of times" then I let my shot arm go flacid and say "But this is the first time since the stroke". Of course, only if they havn't had a stroke .

And when pts forget my name and ask me what it is, I give them a nervous look and say "That depends on wether you liked the care Igave you or not. If you did, my name is ___. If you didn't my name is ( fill in the name of any co-worker w/i hearing distance).

[dabowhunter]

Whenever I have to stick a pt. for a lab draw, I ask them if I should draw the next days labs too.

[prmenrs, RN]

"...Remember peri-lights in OB? We had a defective one...called maintenance to fix it..When he returned I asked him what was wrong, he said,

"I just had to change the film!!"

Those maintanence guys can be good for a laugh or 2! I called over once b/c a door to one of the cabinets had fallen off. There was a silence after stating my complaint for a moment, then he said, "this is the 1st time I've ever gotten a call from your unit that you weren't complaining about the weather!!" (we called frequently to say that it was too hot/cold)

[KimmieKoo72]

I work in LTC and when I have to take their BPs, I say "I need to take your blood pressure, but don't worry I'll give it back when I'm done!!!!" =)

[VegRN]

I work in corrections and anytime we see an inmate or they get KOP (keep on person) meds they have to sign for services and instead of asking for their signature I simply say "I need you to sign you're life away here by the X" Always good for a chuckle especially for death row inmates.

hahhahahaha:rotfl:

I am going to have to have to use that one on the inmates at work

[DutchgirlRN, ASN, RN]

This contrast will make you feel warm all over for about 15 seconds, it makes you feel like your going to pee in your pants. I've been a nurse for 32 years, no one has peed in their pants yet, don't be the first!

[DutchgirlRN, ASN, RN]

"...Remember peri-lights in OB?

You mean to tell me peri-lights are not used anymore? What is used?

Ok, back to the subject at hand...

[Kylisa02]

When taking off all of the surrounding tape from an IV site, especially on those with hairy arms... I say "this is the free complimentary waxing that we provide"... everyone usually giggles.

[fronkey bean]

Sometimes I ask the really hairy chested guys if they want me to shave a smiley face when I'm prepping their chests for electrodes.

[greene]

When I'm doing an EKG on a hairy man, I will say, " Free hair removal with every EKG today".