Funny things patients say ! - page 15

I had a nice change last night from working in the ED, and went to our short stay ward instead 4 a bit, which was pleasant.
I'd had handover earlier, but didn't have a patient's chart in front of me, so I asked her: "Miss, what did you come in with?"
She looked me right in the eye and replied: "With my handbag!"

Saw a real down and out patient once when a student, and was doing an admitting assessment.
Me: Sir, do you drink alcohol?
Patient: Yeh, I do.
Me: How much would you drink daily or weekly, any idea?
Patient: I drink one.
Me: You mean one stubbie? (a small bottle of beer, 375 mls in quantity). Or a bottle of beer? (750 mls)
Patient: (Looks at me strangely), No....I drink one carton of beer.
Me: You mean a carton of beer in one week?
Patient: No, I mean I drink a CARTON OF BEER EACH DAY (!!)
Me: (trying not to look shocked) Sir do you think you have an alcohol addiction problem?
Patient: No, no, I honestly don't think I do.
Holy moly, talk about being in denial!

"what do you people do all night long?"
(besides, drink beer and have screw parties?)

I was circulating for a knee arthroplasty, my first official solo case. The phone rang, I identified myself and the OR number. The voice on the other end with a drawl typical of this region said, "Hello? I'm alone on my portapotty. My nurse left me. I don't have any toilet paper." I said, "Sir, this is the operating room, I can't help you." He sighed dejectedly and gave me his name and his room number and repeated his desperate plea for toilet paper. After hanging up and having a good laugh with the team, i called the operator and got a hold of someone on his floor (a secretary ? a nurse? who knows). I said, "Hi, this is so-and-so from OR 14, your patient so-and-so in room 1414 is alone on his bedside commode and needs toilet paper." He might have been out of TP but at least he had a phone!

While with a hh client, the landline rang, client gets up to answer it and then I hear him say, "Oh, it's her mother. I am NOT taking that call. Thank goodness for caller id!"


(And they say that this client is confused? I don't think so!)

We had a patient come to our floor one night with orders for a continuous bladder irrigaition (which is usually sent to the urology floor, however they were full). Our ANM had no experience with setting this up, as most of us did not either, so there were probably 6 of us in the room...counting drips...manipulating things...etc. While we waited for the ANM from the urology floor to come and save the day...making jokes about "how many nurses does it take to..."...the little 80ish lady is laying there...spread eagle...she was pleasantly confused thank goodness...the one male nurse in the room happened to be standing closest to her...she kept grabbing his hand and saying, " I love you mister...you're so soft mister...please don't let them hurt me mister"...we were all about to blow something trying not to laugh. This has become an almost every day joke for us now...every time he's working we walk by him and rub his arm, "You're so soft mister..."...lol

Here are a few gems:

One of our "regular" alcoholics in the ED: "Nurse! I'm not here for my alcohol! I'm constipated! I need an Ativan!"
And then later: "you gotta discharge me!! You know I get the shakes if my [alcohol] level goes under 100!"

Me to patient: "any chance you can be pregnant?"
Patient: "No maam. I got my administration right now." (translation: menstruation)

Psych patient gets off the stretcher and starts peeing in the sink (!!!).
My male co-worker: "Dude stop that!! Do you pee in the sink at home???"
Patient: "Yeah man!"

One more:
Another alcoholic patient brought in by EMS found lying on the sidewalk. It was a very hot day so MD wanted rectal temp to make sure he didn't have heat stroke, etc.
I told him "Sir, we have to get an acurate temperature, so the best way to do that is rectally."
Patient: (SHOCKED) "What?!?! I'm not gay!!!"
Took me a little while to figure out what he was referring to!! No matter how I tried to explain that it had nothing to do with being gay or not, he flat out refused to have that probe up his rectum because "I'm not gay!!" Sorry doc! No rectal temp!

Had a blind elderly resident tell me " warden what have I been arrested for? "

UMmmm.....You are not arrestd you are home.

"Then why am I in a dungeon with no heat and cold food, quit lying to me I know I'm in a prison!" "Is it because of what I did in the bathroom?"


I did check the bathroom everything was okay



What I find strange is ......he isn't the first resident to think they are in a jail ....?.....

Two women were in a semi-private room, both of them very confused and very chatty. Standing outside their room to eavesdrop was great for a laugh!

Roommate #1: Where is (family member name)? Are you there? I'm going to fry my potatoes.
Roommate #2: You have a GREAT boat!

These kinds of "conversations" went on ALL day.

I'm pre-nursing, currently working for a family physician.

One of our patients was talking about how her daughter needs to see an optometrist for 'some sort of eye disease'... myopia. This same patient then asked me what year it was when filling out a form.

Someone came into our office once:
Him: Is this a GP's office?
Me: Yes, that's right
Him: Ok well, I have a PhD in microbiology and I am looking for a family doctor.

Patient asked me if I had some smokes, but not the legal kind.

Our first clinical rotation was in a nursing home. I was partnered up with another student and we were assigned to follow around a CNA to do PM care. We were in a 90 yr old man's room, getting him ready to go to the tub across the hall. While we were undressing him, his phone rang and he answered it. He told the person on the other end "Let me call you back -- I have 5 women here about to give me a bath!"

At the same facility, early on in our first clinical experience, myself and another partner were providing PM care for a woman in a wheel chair. We had her in the bathroom and were getting ready to get her undressed when we noticed she had a hard round object that was visible under her shirt, over her belly. We concluded that she must have an colostomy (or some other kind of ostomy). Rather than undress her to make sure, my partner went to get our instructor, since we had not been trained to care for that and we didn't want to make the woman wait there half undressed. Well when my instructor arrived and we pulled off the woman's pants.... it was an empty fruit cup that she had stuffed in her pants at dinner :smackingf