Funny things patients say !

[TAM]

While working in the emergency room I was taking care of a 90 year old lady who came in by wheelchair from a local rest home. Her complaint was right leg swelling and we found an obvious deformity of the femur but she denied any pain. An x-ray revealed a femur facture and the orthopedist was called. It was quite a long wait and I heard the patient call out "nurse come in here". I went to her and she asked me to get her up into her wheelchair, I explained to her that her leg was broken and she needed to stay in bed. She replied very seriously "only one of them is broken I can still scoot around in my chair now get me up out of this bed!"

[Poi Dog]

I have a very confused dementia patient who

thinks I am his wife and always tells me to get

into bed.One morning, after changing his roommate

I went to change him. He was very agitated and by the end

of the change he looked me straight in the eye and said,

" I knew it. I never should have married you, you whore!":eek:

My coworker overheard and busted out laughing and by the

time we got out of the room we were both in tears.

You whore you

[No Stars In My Eyes]

A retired, senile priest used to invite us student nurses to get into bed with him and help him warm up ; he spoke with a charming Irish brogue, "Come into my bed, little darlin'; I won't hurt ye, I promise;. C'mon now , I just need to warm up a little bit. There's a good girl." ( We had nick-named him Father Nub, I suppose you might be able to figure out why.)

[vampcna]

It must be something about the preacher psyche bcuz my patient who never

should have married me was at one time a southern baptist preacher. He is

always trying to grab a boob or pat a backside of any female that gets close to

him. While it is unaccceptable to me if an alert patient tries to grope my girlie

parts, this guy has no idea what is doing and saying are inappropriate. A few of

my coworkers get mad at him when he grabs them, but I take it with a grain of salt

Besides, in his mind I am his wife.

[vampcna]

Hey, Poi Dog, only my " husband can call me that. j/k;):rckn:

[Poi Dog]

Hey, Poi Dog, only my ” husband can call me that. j/k;):rckn:

That two-timing son of a monkey, I thought I was his ONLY wife.

[vampcna]

And he calls ME a whore? See if I let him grab my ta- tas again!:

[Poi Dog]

Me: Good morning, Mrs. Walter.

Pt: Good morning. How do you know my name?

Me: Well you kind of have a reputation around these parts.

Pt: Is it good or bad?

Me: Hmmm, I can't say but I am sure I can make something up.

Pt: Wow, I've never had a reputation before. I must be doing something right.

-true conversation I had with a patient this morning. The sound of her laughter was precious.

[xtxrn, ASN, RN]

Background info.....LTC facility. Little skinny guy (85# soaking wet) w/dementia, foot scooting in w/c past nurses station (out in open in 'wagon wheel' floor plan)....wearing a pale blue hat with his name on it ....I'll call him Bubba...

I'm charting, and see the familiar blue hat with "Bubba" rolling by. He stops and looks up at me and says "I want a cigarette"... I'd never seen the guy smoke...so, I reply "Didn't you quit smoking many years ago?"....He looks up at me again, and says "Oh yeah" and goes on his way.....

Another lady- same facility. Wants to talk to her mother (who would have died sometime around the Ming Dynasty) on the phone. As a new nurse, I tried reality orientation (cruel and unusual punishment for someone who will never be oriented)....finally, I got frustrated, unplugged the phone, handed it to her, and she talked to her mom and went to bed. That became our nightly ritual :)

[xtxrn, ASN, RN]

Back when sleeping meds were fairly routine, I was on the floor- night shift at a nice LTC. One little lady was up and around- which is not a problem, but she was getting so tired, it was making her agitated. I asked her if she'd like a little night cap (OJ with Halcion, or whatever the sleeper d'jour was back then)...she said that would be lovely. So, I crush the med into the 30cc med cup w/OJ, and had a second "chaser" if the first one tasted nasty. She slugged down the first one, and when I offered her the second, she was appalled-- "Honey, I can only have ONE"....

[Poi Dog]

A patient said that he was going to sue the doctor for prescribing him an "illegal dose" of Tylenol. :vlin:

[Aeterna, BSN, RN]

Just yesterday, I admitted a feisty elderly woman in her 90's. Another nurse was helping me get her settled, and as we do so, we introduce ourselves.

Me: My name is ______ and I'll be your nurse for the next little while.

Patient: And who are you? *points to the other nurse*

Nurse 2: Oh, my name is ___________.

Me: *to the patient* And what shall we call you?

Patient: Pain in the Neck.

Me: Oh, that sounds a little long. Do you have a shorter name?

Patient: Pain in the orifice?

Me: *laughing* That's still too long!

A little later on, another nurse comes in to see if I need any more help. The patient asks her for her name and she introduces herself.

Nurse 3: And who might you be?

Patient: P.I.A.

Nurse 3: P.I.A.?

Patient: Pain in the orifice.

I only had her for an hour, as she was admitted an hour before shift change, but I loved her! She had so much spirit in her, especially for someone of her age.

[No Stars In My Eyes]

Way back.......I was 5'9" and 125 lbs.......I strong-armed this LARGE old fella out of bed and into his chair, and he said, "Hmmmm! You're a RIGHT STOUT little girly, ain't ya?!!!" (Yep, I was!)