Nursing essay due!!! HELP!!

idkmybffjill · Feb 1, 2018

1. First off, the first sentence doesn't really tell us much. I'd just delete it and start off with the second sentence.

2. Otherwise, there's some awkward/wordy phrasing at times and other times some vague phrasing. For instance, "Around that age was the time when I was really able to become knowledgeable to the issue..." Just say "That was the age I become aware of the issue" or "...I understood her illness." What I mean by vague phrasing is like, "Anytime I step foot into the hospital my energy just starts to flow. The fast paced environment triggers me." "Energy flowing" is very vague and could mean anything to different people. What does that mean for you? For the second sentences, triggers you to do what? Because for me, someone being triggered with no added detail means that they've experienced something that caused a flashback, anxiety attack, or something similar.

3. I get where you are going with the first paragraph, but right now, I'd take it more as your friend's reason for wanting to be a nurse. It is very focused on her, when most of the focus should be brought back to you. I'd decrease the number of words you spend on her experiences and talk more about why that experience made you want to become a nurse. Also, did you help her and/or care for her? Did you develop any type of bond with her nurses? Essentially, just spend more time on yourself, not explaining that she loved her nurses.

4. Some of it feels choppy, like you are going from one trait or point to another to another. If possible, you want to transition to new ideas and reasons and connect everything. Some fixes may just be moving around sentences, and others need further explanation. As an example, I mean something like this part: "She has gone through over 300 surgeries. I've been around so many situations where I saw nurses play a huge role. They not only positively impacted the lives of their patients, but the entire family as well. My friend formed bonds with some of the nurses that she never had with anyone else before." In this case, you go from your friend specifically to a more general concept of situations in which nurses played a huge role/impacted lives and then back to your friend forming bonds with nurses. It would be much better to say your friend had 300 surgeries. During that time, she formed bonds with the nurses. The nurses were there for her, etc. Then you bring it to general concepts--nurses impact lives, blah, blah.

5. Finally, a general observation: Maybe try to determine what makes you unique and stand out from others. Everyone is probably going to say how passionate they are and how much they care about patients and how much they want to dedicated to providing empathetic care and treatment. You need something that makes you a unique candidate, something that they won't be told by hundreds of other applicants.

Mavrick, BSN, RN · Feb 1, 2018

so my essay is due tomorrow at 11:59 pm.Wondering if anyone has any pointers/edits to make this essay better??? The prompt was to explain my interest in nursing and what challenges i think i face in the program & how i will overcome them. Thanks!!!
Realizing and focusing on my natural abilities and passions has helped me to figure out what my true passion throughout life has been. My desire to make a difference in others lives began when I was eight years old. My best friend struggled with a condition of the brain called hydrocephalus since she was born. Around that age was the time when I was really able to become knowledgeable to the issue and witness the obstacles she had to face on a daily basis. She wasn't expected to make it past the age of five, and she is now twenty-one years old. She has gone through over 300 surgeries. I've been around so many situations where I saw nurses play a huge role. They not only positively impacted the lives of their patients, but the entire family as well. My friend formed bonds with some of the nurses that she never had with anyone else before. They were her shoulder to cry on and her call for help whenever it was needed. They were able to make her feel comfortable and turn her bad days into good ones. I witnessed it multiple times. She would tell me how much she loved them. Recovery went by faster when she had her nurses around. I hope to one day have that kind of positive impact on patients.
Being a nurse is an adventure and I'm ready to explore. I'm in search of watching miracles occur right in front of my eyes and aiding them along the way. I would consider myself as patient, understanding, and determined. Once I begin something, I will not stop until it is fully completed. Being able to say, "I'm going to be a nurse" fills my heart with pride and joy. Nursing is nothing like a 9-5 job; it's a lifetime of dedicated work, on and off of the job.
As I continue to grow, my desire to achieve the nursing profession only gets stronger. Anytime I step foot into the hospital my energy just starts to flow. The fast paced environment triggers me. Being able to impact a complete stranger everyday is so powerful. The feeling that one gets when they change someone's entire day around and help him or her is unexplainable. It is my deep passion to help others safe and effectively. It would truly be an honor to spread my positivity and knowledge throughout the patient's rooms.
The science aspect of nursing really stands out to me. Science and math have always been two of my favorite subjects and being able to put them both together in my future career gets me so excited. I have a deep interest in the health sciences and being able to learn something new everyday fascinates me. Science never stops and new discoveries happen every single day. I can't wait to be apart of that.
I am passionate about the challenges ahead. One of the biggest challenges I believe I will face in this program is time management with clinicals, classes, and my life outside of school. It can get to be a lot, especially all at once. I will overcome this by not procrastinating; staying on top of my work, and studying the amount needed each night. I will always put my career first. I will be sure to get an organized schedule down and stick to it throughout this program and my future. Another challenge I think that I will struggle with is not knowing absolutely everything. I will be surrounded by tons of knowledgeable students. I will overcome this by expanding my mind and accepting that I wont always know it all. I will work with my fellow classmates to learn more and help one another out. I love team work and I believe that is one of the greatest aspects of being a nurse.
I need a unique program that is loaded with education and learning tools to serve as my foundation in my path to becoming an exceptional nurse. I believe that ....School of Nursing can fulfill that for me. I hope to graduate as a ....!

There is so much wrong with this essay (paragraphs, sentence structure, spelling ...)

Unfortunately 9:15pm the night before your paper is due is WAAAYYY too late to do much about it than offer to rewrite the thing entirely. It wouldn't be your essay then now would it?

helper2018 · Feb 1, 2018

Thank you! Along with me being passionate about helping and the health sciences, I also really would love to be a nurse to change the outlook people have on them. So many people complain about the nasty nurses they have and I would like to be that change however I don't know how to word it. I can't say that nurses have a bad reputation because that's only true for a certain portion.

I suck at flow in essays.

helper2018 · Feb 1, 2018

Could you give me some pointers? I'm going to rewrite to try and make it more organized and flow better. But any advice will help! I was really struggling with how to start it out.

SDboyy · Feb 2, 2018

Could you give me some pointers? I'm going to rewrite to try and make it more organized and flow better. But any advice will help! I was really struggling with how to start it out.

This is what I would do. I still find some problems with it, but tried to get your thoughts organized a little better and still keep your thoughts and your voice. The paragraph that I start with "The environment of care" should probably be removed entirely from this, but you had some passion in your thoughts, so I tried to keep it. These are only suggestions, so feel free to ignore them.

My best friend wasn't expected to make it past the age of five, and she is now twenty-one years old. Struggling with a brain condition called hydrocephalus, she has endured over 300 surgeries. During this time, I have witnessed many situations in which I saw nurses play a huge role. They not only positively impacted the lives of my friend, but also her parents and her extended family. My friend formed bonds with some of the nurses that she never had with anyone else before. They were her shoulder to cry on and her call for help whenever it was needed. They were able to make her feel comfortable and turn her bad days into good ones. Recovery went by faster when she had her nurses around, and my friend would often say how much she loved the nurses who cared for her. I hope to one day have this kind of positive impact on patients, which I have witnessed so many times.

As I continue to grow and learn, my desire to achieve the nursing profession only gets stronger. The science of nursing really appeals to me. Science and math have always been two of my favorite subjects, and being able to put them both together in my future career excites me. I have a deep interest in the health sciences and being able to learn something new everyday fascinates me. Science never stops and new discoveries happen every single day. I can't wait to be apart of that.

The environment of care also animates me. Anytime I step foot into the hospital my energy just starts to flow,as the fast paced environment invigorates me. Being able to impact a complete stranger, as many nurses did with my friend, is so powerful. It is as if nurses are assisting in miracles right in front of me, aiding them along the way. As a nurse, It would truly be an honor to spread my positivity and knowledge throughout the patient's rooms, while treating them safely and effectively.

I am passionate about the challenges ahead. I realize that nursing is nothing like a 9-5 job; it's a lifetime of dedicated work, on and off of the job. Similarly, as a student, I believe one of the biggest challenges I will face in this program is time management--with clinicals, classes, and my life outside of school. It can get to be a lot, especially all at once. I will overcome this by not procrastinating; staying on top of my work, and studying the amount needed each night. I will always put my career first. I will be sure to get an organized schedule down and stick to it throughout this program and my future.

Another challenge I think that I will struggle with is not knowing absolutely everything. I will be surrounded by tons of knowledgeable students. I will overcome this by expanding my mind and accepting that I wont always know it all. I will work with my fellow classmates to learn more and help one another out. I love teamwork and I believe that is one of the greatest aspects of being a nurse.

I need a unique program that is loaded with education and learning tools to serve as my foundation in my path to becoming an exceptional nurse. I know that a solid educational foundation will complement my soft skills, as I consider myself to be patient, understanding, and determined. Being able to say, "I'm going to be a nurse" fills my heart with pride and joy.I believe that ....School of Nursing can fulfill that for me. I hope to graduate as a ....!

KelRN215, BSN, RN · Feb 3, 2018

Your friend has had an average of 15 surgeries (I presume shunt-related) per year for life? She needs a new neurosurgeon. I was a pediatric neurology/neurosurgery nurse for 5 years and we definitely had our regular patients who had frequent shunt problems but no one that frequent. Are you sure that's an accurate number? It would definitely jump out at me as sensational if I was a faculty member reading this essay.

I agree with Mavrick.