Abuse or Sacrificial Love?

[pocu123]

Hello all. I tried to find the best forum possible but I just wasn't sure. Currently I'm a medical administration student. I'm not a nurse but I am seriously contemplating it for a time in the future. I discovered this website about a week ago and it seems that some of you (single-parents) would be able to relate to my situation. I need some "mature", reasonable, down-to-earth advice from some folks who have "been there - done that".

I'm in a bit of a bind. I left the Army in August due to pregnancy. Job outlook was pretty good for a computer gal with office experience. However the competition turned out to be pretty steep here in the Colorado Springs area. Didn't land a job before I started to show (from the pregnancy). After that, no one would hire me. As illegal as it is, that is the only logical explanation I can think of as to why I couldn't even land a minimum wage job with my experience.

As time went on, I hesitantly accepted the fact that I'm probably not going to get a job till the baby was born. When I left the military, I didn't have any money or a place to stay so some friends invited me to stay with them till I got on my feet. I didn't feel I had much of a choice so I accepted the offer. I started school in hopes to give my daughter a better life than what I could have without this degree. After being here just a short while, I realized how chaotic this home is. These people yell at each other all of the time. They scream at their children all of the time for the slightest things. There is so much dysfunction here that it's causing me great stress wondering how I'm going to have to keep my little baby in this home. There is a problem with one of my roomates in that she seems to want to control my situation with the baby. Can't say much in contrast because the next alternative is the homeless shelter. I'm more miserable as the days go by.

The dilemma is, if all things go well with the delivery, I can just continue on with school and I even received permission from my department supervisor to double-up on classes to finish this program in about three or four months. (This program typically is over a year long) If I can finish in three or four months, I can get a decent job and I can get my daughter OUT OF HERE and into a stable environment. I have enough GI Bill (college money) to pay my bills for the next few months without working so that is an added plus for going that route.

In closing, I was in class tonight asking my classmate how her delivery with her children went and if continuing on with class even just a few days after giving birth was possible. My other classmate piped up and began to tell me how she thought the first few months of a baby's life was the most important and how she doesn't think a baby should be without the mother. Basically she was incenuating I would be abusing or neglecting my child. I was so angry that she would even give her opinion when she doesn't even know what situation I'm in or know that I'm doing this FOR my daughter - trying to get through this program as quickly as possible before she is even old enough to realize I'm gone and to get her out of here.

I say all of that to say this, I don't want to leave my baby. It breaks my heart that I can't make a better situation for her RIGHT NOW. I don't want to leave her with these people while I'm gone. (I don't really know anyone else here to ask them to babysit) But if I can just get this program out of the way quickly, I can get her out of this dysfunctional environment with all of the screaming, accusing, and controlling that goes on.

My question to you single-parents out there who may know what this is like, am I doing the right thing? Or will I be neglecting her? I don't want to do the wrong thing. I have the chance to make a better life for us by doing this and doing it quickly. I don't know what the answer is.

Thanks.

[traumaRUs, MSN, APRN]

Since you just left the military, can you utilize the relocation services at the USAF Academy or another nearby military base? Can you re-enter the military? I know neither are great options, but you can then set yourself up with some savings and maybe a better job outlook would happen.

[pocu123]

I was both Air Force and Army. I don't dare try to re-enter the Army. If I don't have anyone to watch her during day and/or night, I definitely don't have anyone to watch her for a year long deployment. I only WISH I could re-enter the Air Force. I had a wonderful non-deployable job at Barksdale. The best job I ever had. Unfortunately I lost my job in the downsizing a little over a year ago and they are STILL downisizing. They are not accepting prior-service at this time and won't be for quite a while.

[Really An Actress]

I think as long as the primary care giver of your baby is loving for the short time it takes you to complete your degree, your baby will be fine. He or she won't love you any less for taking this time to improve your lives.

It's better to get your degree sooner and start a career with so many options in terms of specialities, shift work, and locations, than to be stuck working two minimum wage jobs the rest of your life trying to support the two of you.

It will be hard, but parenthood is hard. You'll be glad later if you finish your degree soon.

[lucianne]

As long as you spend time with your baby every day and the sitter is warm and affectionate and responsive to her needs, she should be just fine. Cuddling, eye contact, talking to her--don't let anyone (i.e.controlling woman) tell you to let her "cry it out" as a newborn. If you stay in the situation you're in, try not to let the fighting and yelling get to you--she'll be more likely to pick up on your stress and anxiety than the emotions of other people in the first few months.

I've had classmates who were breastfeeding and brought their newborns to class a few times, but that isn't always possible. I even took my son to physiology with me when he was 3 and I couldn't find someone to keep him--with snacks, crayons, and activities he was quieter and better behaved than some of the adult students in the class!

You might consider trying to find someone who is elderly or disabled and needs some live-in help--not total care, just someone who can handle meds or shopping or light housework--in exchange for room and board. Churches might know of parishoners who need such help.

Good luck to you!

[gr8rnpjt, RN]

I read your post twice to make sure I was reading it correctly. Your choice appears to be should you continue the classes after the birth of your child and double up on them for 3-4 months and after that you will be certified (?) in medical administration. Your other choice could be to quit school for now, stay home with baby and go back when you are ready.

You could choose to stay home with the baby(you don't know how you will feel about leaving baby until after delivery, your emotions now are just the tip of the iceburg and after birth, they will come out full force). If you choose to do that, you could ask to talk to a social worker at the hospital after birth, explain the whole situation and let them do their job. They can refer you to many different organizations that help young mothers like yourself. They may even be able to help you with housing. (are these people you live with scary-abusive, or are they just a couple of people who don't know how to talk to each other or their kids?) Is there ever a time there where you feel someone is really in danger? Only you can answer those questions. If you choose to utilize social service organizations, they will need to know what you have in the bank from your time in the service. That may be a deciding factor if they can help you or not depending on the amount of savings you have.

Your other choice can be done also, but again, you could still use some help from social service organizations as far as getting help for affordable child care, etc. Head start has some wonderful programs for young people and for their children. You do not have to depend on the people whom you are living with to watch your children.

Either way, you are a brave and strong woman. Only you can make the decision that is best for you and your baby. Whatever you do, I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers.

Do look into social service organizations including WIC, welfare, housing, and anyone else that can help you. You are never alone.

[Soleilpie]

i'm sorry to hear about your situation. i'm not sure if this will help but it might in the future. uccs has a nursing program (beth-el college of nursing and health sciences) and it also has a family developement center on the campus, which takes children starting at 1 years old. i'm not sure how this would work for you, but it would be a place where you could put your child while you're in class or at your clinicals. if the gi bill doesn't cover all of this, you could probably even get a job on the campus. they have a health center there that might be able to use your skills from your current program. i graduated in may from that school with a bs in health sciences. i loved it and colorado springs is a great city to live in. i'm an af brat and now an af spouse, so i've lived all over the place and colorado springs is by far the best place i've ever lived. here are some links to the university.

http://www.uccs.edu/

http://web.uccs.edu/bethel/[/url]

http://web.uccs.edu/fdc/

http://web.uccs.edu/healthcenter/

[Lisa CCU RN, RN]

I assume you go to a technical school right now. I'll tell you what I did when I had my first child. I went to a four year school and lived on campus in family housing. If you live on campus your rent is paid by financial aid so you don't have to worry about paying it. When is your baby due? I'd go apply at the local university NOW and apply for housing. I'm sure you qualify for AFDC if you have no job and you are pregnant. In my state you get free childcare as long as you are going to school or working or a combination of both for 40 hours a week. I don't know what kind of programs Colorado has, but if you are trying to improve your life through education, I'd go to my local DHS office and apply for food stamps, childcare, grant money, as well as WIC at the health department. PM me if you have anymore questions. I'll be praying for you and you baby. Remember, God's eye is on the sparrow, and I know he's watching you. :) :)

[PBAJS]

i would suggest that you do not wait until after the birth ... please, for your health and the health of your child, contact wic in your state now.

wic is a nutrition program for pregnant women, breastfeeding women, non-breastfeeding women, infants, and children until the age of 5 years.

the wic program provides nutritious foods (milk, cereal, eggs, cheese, juice, beans, peanut butter for protein, calcium, iron, vitamin a and vitamin c) to supplement your regular diet

... and referrals to other health, welfare and social services.

usda wic home page http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/

colorado wic home page http://www.cdphe.state.co.us/ps/wic/wichom.asp

[pocu123]

Thanks for your concern everyone.....

PBAJS, I'm already receive help from WIC. (That's my breakfast every morning. It's a good thing I like Cheerios.)

Soleilpie, that is a good idea. I do go to a sort of "vocational" medical institute. I asked them if they had thought about providing child-care since they would probably attract a number of students with just that one accomodation. They said they had talked about it once but it was just too expensive. I think if they provided it along with some kind of early childhood development program/degree, they would find it a financial asset, not a liability. (I don't know why they wouldn't, they offer every other program on Earth at this school).

CRNASOMEDAY, I did not know a campus would provide family housing and that financial aid would pay for it. That is a good deal. I know that continuing even further in my education and getting a some sort of nursing license (even though PA is in my hidden dreams), would be SUCH a financial benefit. It's hard work I know! (Use to be a nurse's aide about five years ago) But it would be worth it in the long run - paying for my daughter's college when she's 18, she wouldn't have to join the Army like I did unless she WANTS to, not because she HAS to.

Grant money? What grant money? If you know something I don't know, please tell me. I went to some of the department supervisors and asked them about this sort of thing. I had heard of some states paying scholarships (or something like that) for one-parent homes, etc. (Especially in nursing) They had no idea what I was talking about. So if you know where I can go to find something like this, please tell me.

I had received some information about the free child-care. But that still poses some questions. Do I use it for my school time? Do I use it for work time when I get a job? If I double-up on classes, it will cover only half the classes which is better than nothing but I will still have to leave her in both situations - somewhere.

My initial question was, am I abusing my baby if I leave her SO YOUNG - brand new? I know breast-feeding is very important and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that one yet. But that led to my second concern, if it isn't actually abusive to leave her, is this environment (where I live) for three or four months going to have some kind of affect on her - i.e. nervousness, will the lack of peace hurt her sleep patterns, will she develop some kind of (for lack of a better word) "jumpiness" from all of the yelling?

gr8rnpjt, staying home really isn't an option. That means that I would be here even longer and the whole point was trying to get my baby out of this mess. Besides, I won't be welcome here forever. If I'm not going to school, they will expect me to work (like most people would), which leaves me in the same predicament and even farther from bettering our lives. They were just a helping hand at the time I needed it. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that they opened their home to me. Not even those whom I thought were my best-friends did that. No they're not "scary-abusive" and YES they do NOT know how to talk to each other or their kids. I use to work with the husband and we were friends. He seemed completely normal at work and deep down he has a good heart - he means well. But his insecurities have warped his sense of a house and home that is whole. I'm not trying to put their business out there but since you don't know my identity I feel like I'm maintaining their privacy. Anyway, he is very insecure and therefore he keeps tabs on her all day. If he feels threatened at all (which can be and sometimes is every day) he blows up at her. In order to keep the peace she is very passive with him but she is so drained from never having a break and trying to "fix" him all the time (his insecurities and keeping him happy), she takes her frustration out on her kids. (Not physically, but there's hardly ever any peace from the yelling). In addition, he is very particular about the way things "should be". I've seen him get pissed off at her for peanut butter remaining on the forks after washing, or the children (who are 3 and 5) messing with his videogames, leaving a toy on the floor, or spilling their drink, and then the yelling starts. But then of course, when he sees me comforting them, he joins me and starts the "baby, sweetheart, kissy" talk with them as if he had never blown up. It's like he knows there is dysfuntion there but he tries hard to hide it and show me a different face. But yet it goes on all of the time. There's really no hiding it. My whole concern is, will he be frustrated with my baby and start screaming because she is interrupting his "video-games"? It's so wierd. Completely normal one minute and then complete screaming match the next - every day.

I have my name on the housing list by the way. The waiting list here is over 2 years long. They were serving July of 2003 applicants last month.

Anyway, thanks again guys.

[gypsyatheart]

I assume you go to a technical school right now. I'll tell you what I did when I had my first child. I went to a four year school and lived on campus in family housing. If you live on campus your rent is paid by financial aid so you don't have to worry about paying it. When is your baby due? I'd go apply at the local university NOW and apply for housing. I'm sure you qualify for AFDC if you have no job and you are pregnant. In my state you get free childcare as long as you are going to school or working or a combination of both for 40 hours a week. I don't know what kind of programs Colorado has, but if you are trying to improve your life through education, I'd go to my local DHS office and apply for food stamps, childcare, grant money, as well as WIC at the health department. PM me if you have anymore questions. I'll be praying for you and you baby. Remember, God's eye is on the sparrow, and I know he's watching you. :) :)

I agree w/this post. Don't wait, get started w/these programs now. You never know what your pregnancy may bring, you need to be prepared for any number of things.

I'm praying for you and your little one, He will guide and protect you, He led you here, didn't He? Follow the advice you've gotten....and have Faith, my dear.

God Bless.

[Spidey's mom, ADN, BSN, RN]

Ok - in answer to your specific question about whether leaving your newborn child with this family while you go to school is abuse, I would have to say the potential for abuse is there.

A grown man who gets mad about his kids messing with his video games (what is a grown man doing with video games anyway:rolleyes: ) or because there is peanut butter (which is pretty sticky) left on forks after washing is absolutely going to not be able to show MORE patience for a child not his own.

He has no patience for the children he "loves" and he has no patience for his passive wife, who he "loves". Why would he have patience for a colicky newborn baby who is screaming for hours so that he cannot get to his video games. Would his passive wife come to your child's defense?

These people sound like a time bomb.

I'd get the heck out.

steph

[Lisa CCU RN, RN]

[quote

CRNASOMEDAY, I did not know a campus would provide family housing and that financial aid would pay for it. That is a good deal. I know that continuing even further in my education and getting a some sort of nursing license (even though PA is in my hidden dreams), would be SUCH a financial benefit. It's hard work I know! (Use to be a nurse's aide about five years ago) But it would be worth it in the long run - paying for my daughter's college when she's 18, she wouldn't have to join the Army like I did unless she WANTS to, not because she HAS to.

Grant money? What grant money? If you know something I don't know, please tell me. I went to some of the department supervisors and asked them about this sort of thing. I had heard of some states paying scholarships (or something like that) for one-parent homes, etc. (Especially in nursing) They had no idea what I was talking about. So if you know where I can go to find something like this, please tell me. QUOTE

I don't know what kind of assistance programs Colorodo has, but in TN it is actually to your advantage to have children and go to school. I am using every resource available to finish school and no, I didn't plan it this way, but this is how my life ended up.

For one, go to Department of Human Services and apply for Families First. I don't know what they call this program in Colorado, but it's whatever they call welfare in your state. You will get food stamps, grant money( this is 185 for a family of three in Tennessee) per month, free health insurance, gas money or bus tokens if you don't have a car, and free childcare. If you check the four year schools in your area, go to residence life and see if they have on campus or campus sponsered family housing. If they do, they will bill you for it just like your tuition and you won't have to worry about rent. I'd apply to a four year school and go there even if it means staying where you are for a while longer. If you do this quickly, maybe you can get in for the Spring semester. ( I've applied to a school before and got in the same day I applied and it was the first day of classes). If you go to school full time all you need to do is continue going and you will not have anything to worry about. Also, as a single parent, you should qualify for a full Pell grant, full loan amount, and any other state grants available. This should be plenty to live off of. The only issue I see is a babysitter for your daughter until she reaches six weeks. I still don't know when you are due, so I can't decide if your baby will be six weeks before Spring semester. I think your situation is quite fixable. One more thing, you said you worked as a nurse aide, why not do that again? I was an aide for agency and I made $500 a week by working 3 sixteen hour shifts per week. You should be able to live off of that. Like I said, I don't know what programs they have in Colorado, but in TN, there is no excuse for not bettering your life. If all else fails, you can come to TN and get it together. I don't think anyone has asked this, so where is the father? Does he have some family that can help you out? Good Luck.

One more thing, I have two children and I know a girl who recently graduated and is now getting her Master's degree and has FOUR children and pretty much did the same thing I'm doing now. So, if we can pull it off, so can you with one. I'm moving three hours away from family to start nursing school and I plan on, no I WILL succeed. How? I planned everything and asked for help when I needed it and I'm determined. You can do this. PM me if you need anything.