While visiting in the lounge one day, we discovered that every nurse there was on an anti-depressant.
I have had 'Treatment Resistant Depression' for about 20 years--as long as I've been a nurse. Now I am totally burned out, on major meds, and am seeking disability d/t depression/anxiety.
I beleive years of long hours, high stress, high expectations and little appreciation (from management, not patients) has contributed to this.
How many other jobs consider you a tratior b/c you call in sick? And trying to get off for a sick child is an unforgivable sin. How many other jobs want you to work overtime on the days you are scheduled, call you at all hours of the night or day when you are off, first pleading w/ you to come in, then laying a guilt trip on you if you say "NO!" And let's not forget the mandatory inservices and CEU's that take time away from your family.
If any profession should understand the importance of the individuals' physical, mental, social and spiritual self it should be nursing--after all we are taught in nursing school about treating the patient as a whole, not just a disease! Why don't we treat our staff the same way.
Thanks to all of you for your replies. But I already knew my answer for myself when I seriously thought of NOT going to nursing school: Not a chance! I'm going to nursing school! And I'm going to graduate! And I'm going to get a job!
I can't imagine NOT going into nursing, SO I guess that's that. :)
Thanks for your encouragement. I appreciate it no end. :kiss
Bella Terra
PS: Yes, I know about college being 'dumbed down'. I've been going to college off and on all of my adult life. (It's only taken me 35 years to get my AA degree! :chuckle ) Not to mention that I went to high school in the early 60's, and when I see high school curriculum and course work now, I just about flip. It's about what I learned in Catholic grade school.
Tough day; I was scolded by a dentist, told by a potential employer that I would have to start a job in 3 weeks if I want to work there at all. But, there are many dentists and, since I can't relocate from Fl to NY in 3 weeks, guess I'll stay in Fl. I also found a new friend (I hope).
Bella - I mean it about BSN generally easier than ADN. Check it out since you already have an AA. Thing of the huge differentials they pay.
When they let me nurse, I love it. It takes a good mind to do good nursing: one that can assess all aspects of the patient, figure out what problems they have and come up with solutions. Sometimes the solutions must be creative (I took a class in creative drama, I swear it helped me in nursing).
Thank all of you.
I went to Catholic grade school too. I'm amazed by students today.
Just started a new thread, "On sabbatical?" Poll and asking for interest in a national organization. May not seem related to depression but I think it is. If you can, take a look.
Mario that is really a very sad response from you. You owe them an apology for this. I may not agree with whay they say but they have a right to say it.
Besides communist nurse and cloisters do not mix in the same sentence well at all.
I don't know if something has changed with me or if something has changed with Mario but - I find myself agreeing with him these days!
My only problem is with how he says things some times. I've said the same thing, perhaps on a different thread, in different words.
I have used the ignore feature only once on this board. That was for someone who became extremely abusive (from my point of view, from his, I merely deserved the verbal lashings; our points of view could not meet anywhere).
I understand the desire to ignore certain posts, they frustrate me, they aggravate me, sometimes they put me on a defensive course that looks aggressive to others. But -
First, if I want to understand the dynamics of a thread, I have to read everything on the thread. It's like assessing a patient, the more you know, the more you know. I try to read through an entire thread before I post to avoid: repeating what has been said; missing the point of the discussion; getting slammed. If I have ignored posts, the responses don't make sense.
Second, I find I learn from everything - even the posts I don't like. Sometimes I learn by analyzing my response to the post. By engaging in another boards thread on the killings in Arizona, I figured out what I had missed about Bob (the killer). Right after I figured out something, someone emailed me an analysis that matched my own, learned experientially.
Though it could have been put better, Soviet Union is a good analogy. In the Soviet Union, dissenting voices were silenced - by force. The ignore feature silences dissent. It's not done by force, but by the same intent.
The cloister is also a good analogy. In cloisters, people lock themselves away from earthly problems and focus on one thing - God. This is a good thing but my problem with cloistered nuns, say, is that they prayed for everyone but they never tried to feed anyone (raised Catholic, BTW). When I was younger, it seemed an ideal way to live. But, I can't help worrying about Mario, Sphinx, Youda, MattsMom, etc. I tried not to, I stayed away from here for a bit, but I had to come back and see how you all were doing.
If anyone has read this far (I've been saying much more than necessary these days), this is my conclusion:
Overall, ignoring others is a bad strategy. But sometimes you have to. If you can only focus on the negative, go away for a while, learn how to focus on positive, come back and evaluate from a fresh point of view.
Remember, nobody in Germany knew what was going on during the Holocaust. They saw as little as they could manage.
Sometimes I think the same is true in nursing. In our desire to take care of patients, we try not to see a system that tries to keep us from it. When we know something is wrong but agree to accept the blame, we become depressed. When we don't want to be blamed, we agree that nothing is wrong. We blame others who say something is wrong (new nurses, "arrogant" nurses, experienced nurses).
Since the system seems to say that only nurses are at fault, we agree. We blame ourselves for our imperfections or we blame every nurse around us.
I'm tired of blaming and scolding. I want to accept responsibility for my actions and hold others accountable for theirs.
Please join me in the NONOS. See thread, "on sabbatical".
Since I have opted, in this case to actually utilize the ignore feature, I don't know the content of "said post", but in regards to using the ignore feature.I understand what you are saying Anne, and I respect and understand it. In theory I'd like to do it, and in fact, try to do so. However, in my case, I have been around the internet and different types of boards, groups, etc;, to know that sometimes it is in my and everyone else's best interests to utilize my "killfile". This was brought home to me when I was very active with a large usenet group alt.support.depression. This is of course unmoderated, and has it's share of trolls, as well as legit people with all sorts of mood disorders, some of whom can get to a point where they are, well, hard to take at times. I did however meet many wonderful people there.....many of whom I met in person, still keep in touch with, in fact, I met my *husband* there. (yup, you heard that right). I was VERY active there. Sometimes after a while things got too hot and I left temporarilly and I left, but always went back. I eventually left for good, because of one particualr poster, who had rigged it to make it very difficult, near impossible to block his posts (I supposed I could have invested in a sophisticated softwear blocking system, but it wasn't worth it). Like a train wreck, I couldn't avoid him, even though I tried. This guy triggered me so bad. I would get so wrapped up, that I would just go off the deep end. That is my problem. Most times, I am fine. I can relate, debate, support and be supported. But sometimes I run into someone or something that gets under my skin, and it sucks me in (I know, I *allow* it to suck me in), and I become embroiled and obsessed in something that does nothing but bring me down. For a long time I just let this happen again and again, as I didn't have the insight into myself to know what I was allowing myself to get into. I finally realized that the only way to out of these messes, was to utilize my killfile/block (or, better yet, not to get into it at all). To get OUT of the situation before it gets too deep and I can't pull myself out. In the group I mentioned, I couldn't pull myself out the the situation with the guy, and couldn't block him, and all I could do was unsubscribe. I go back periodically, and he is still there, so I promply make my exit. It is what I need to do to keep me sane. Now I belong to a much smaller support group at yahoo groups with a closed membership, and don't have that problem. And frankly, for a long time, I never had one problem here with Mario, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, even though I didn't like what he was saying all the times. (he has a basic right idea with the eat right, drink water, exercise bit, but it doesn't cut it for severe depression....) but at some point he said something that got under my skin, and from that point on, it was over, and everything was suspect, and subject of the inner rage it had triggered inside me. This is an ugly thing inside me, and I'm not proud of it. That's why when I found out I could use the ignore, that I jumped at the chance. I don't *want* to be ugly and nasty. I don't want to be mean and provocative. If you are reading this Mario, know that by ignoring you I am doing us both a favor. My anger and rage is not always rational, and it's not fair to you to have to put up with my tirades, which tend to get uglier as time goes on. I know this about myself. I am working on changing that (have been, for years), and have had a huge improvement.....but for now, the best thing for me is to step away from whatever issue triggers me. This thread is a safe place, and I don't want to be the cause of fights or bitterness, just because I have some inner rage that was triggerred by one statement by one person.
OK, enough, enough. Ugh, when will these meds start working already?! haha...
I think your meds are working. I read your whole post and I have been through the same thing. What I have learned during this process is: why can't my eyes just ignore something I see as negative? why would I keep looking? What I find is that it is something I need to look at. BUT - it takes me a while sometimes and I don't always have time to get embroiled in one problem. I have to prioritize. Which is why I left this thread and allnurses for a bit. I said I'd never come back. This was not a lie - I merely changed my mind. Isn't that supposed to be a woman's right? I'm egalitarian, I think it's a man's right too.
BTW, I'm not sure, but I think I was the first person to "yell" at Mario. I think it started when I asked him to try taking the damned antidepressants if he was so curious about them. I felt, and I might have imposed my own feelings, that the thread was being distracted from its point. After the drill sergeant, I guess I was pretty mean, but, to me, a drill sergeant has always lived in my head - I've just about kicked him out.
Now, I come back, I see Mario here, and - my god - I agree with him. I still think he could use some toning down in his choice of language. In all honesty, I don't know if I've changed or if he has. Something changed, though, otherwise we would just bicker. Bickering doesn't accomplish anything.
And, thanks, Sphinx. You brought this back when I needed it. I sound wise only because I tend to beat most of this up alone before asking for help. That takes a lot out of me.
So, not exactly related to depression. Does anyone have any advice on dentures? I have finally decided it is time for me to become a toothless old hag - but I don't want anyone else to know, so I want the dentures right away.
When someone pushes your buttons, I think it is IMPERATIVE to examine why! It's easy to blame the person for pushing your buttons, but that misses the point entirely. There's always a reason why someone gets to you, and it has NOTHING to do with the person doing the pushing! No one makes you irritated, angry, happy, or sad. These are just reactions WITHIN yourself. Figure out why the person annoys you or makes you mad and you learn something valuable about yourself.
You need to look inside yourself and figure out what that person is hooking into that you are burying in your own psych. Sometimes it's feelings of insecurity, sometimes it is because that person is subconsciously reminding you of a failure or some secret thing you fear about yourself. But, it is NEVER the person's fault who is pushing the buttons! These feelings of insecurity, unlovable, guilt, fear, are THE things that someone hooks into when they "push your buttons." Anger and annoyance is just the emotion these fears and insecurities USE to hide themselves from your conscious knowledge of them. It isn't comfortable or fun to feel them, so we blame someone else for CAUSING it, or MAKING us angry, when -- in fact -- no one can MAKE or CAUSE you to feel anything. What you feel is purely a response to your own internal network of "being."
Turn it around and look inside yourself! What is in your subconscious that makes the words/actions set off a reaction in you?
For example, I read Mario's posts and delight in them. They are funny, honest, and often truly trying to help. I don't even find the words he uses as offensive or questionable. I read the "communist" post and clapped because he was standing up for himself instead of just taking someone else's flame toward him!
So, why do you think different people can read the same post and it hit them so differently? Because Mario doesn't "push any of my buttons." He does yours! The answer isn't with Mario, it's with YOU!
When you understand why your buttons get pushed, you uncover a part of yourself. When you take those fears and insecurities out of the stuffed and hidden parts of your mind, and bring them into the bright light of conscious inspection, to introspection, you begin to find some of the reasons depression lives within you! I say that because when you harbor secret throughts about yourself as being unworthy, guilty, stupid, unlovable, whatever, then it HELPS the depression-cycle continue.
Look into yourself, don't flame! Flaming says more about YOU than it does the person you are objecting to! (This isn't directed toward anyone in particular, so don't get your panties in a twist. I am talking about a principle, not a person or a post!)
[ I don't *want* to be ugly and nasty. I don't want to be mean and provocative. If you are reading this Mario, know that by ignoring you I am doing us both a favor. My anger and rage is not always rational, and it's not fair to you to have to put up with my tirades, which tend to get uglier as time goes on. I know this about myself. I am working on changing that (have been, for years), and have had a huge improvement.....but for now, the best thing for me is to step away from whatever issue triggers me. This thread is a safe place, and I don't want to be the cause of fights or bitterness, just because I have some inner rage that was triggerred by one statement by one person.
OK, enough, enough. Ugh, when will these meds start working already?! haha... [/b]
Ditto what Sphix said. Thank you. Perhaps I should take my own advice.
Youda, (I want to mention, I responded to your post, and you must have edited yours while I was typing to inlude the last bit about it not being directed at anyone in particular and getting our panties in a twist....thus if any part of this seems like my panties are twisted, just sit back and realize I did sort of think it was directed at me, but also just that I was merely clarifyling my position. That's all. I hate when my panties get twisted! haha :) )
I don't blame Mario, or anyone else who has ever gotten under my skin in the past, for my anger or any other feelings I have. I own my own feelings. Years ago, I didn't realize this, but years of therapy has showed me that my feelings are my own, and good or bad, nobody makes me feel one way or another.
I know this now, and I know that once something gets me going, that I can't stop easily, so I have found that the best thing for me is to ignore. There have been times where I have ignored (killfiled) someone for a limited period of time, until I have calmed down, and then taken them off my killfile, and everything has been ok. I just need time.
As for examining "why" someone bothers me, during the "ignoring" stage, I usually do just that! The guy that I left ASD over, bothered me because he was constantly baiting people, as if he got a rise out of seeing if he could rile people up. Every other post of his referred to his "thingie" (his term), and he would bombard the group with hundreds of posts daily. Most of his posts got several responses. His posts were never serious, always some inane topic, but a lot of people liked the diversion, which is fine.....no problem with that. But if he had a post that didn't get a reply, he'd post several others to the effect of "no one replied to me". For over a year, I just laughed him off and didn't read much of what he wrote. Then he responded t a thread of mine, which was a serious thread, with a flip reply. I responded calmy, and he just turned mean, saying why don't you just killfile me. So I did. Then he made it a game, every day he changed his profile just a little bit, so he'd slip by the killfile, He baited me on and on, until he finally made it imposible to block him at all, and gloated to me endlessly. So I left.
Now, with Mario, he is NOTHING like that guy was. I read his posts, didn't always agree with him, didn't always disagree. I remember exactly what he said that ticked me off. It was a comment to the effect of "you are not really depressed, you just don't know it". I know exactly what bothered me about that. Whether he was being flip or serious, I found it to be an insensitive comment. He has never experienced the feelings we have, and for him to say that, just made me see red. I thought to myself "he may be just joking, calm down", but my black or white thinking took over, and from that point on, everything he wrote I painted in my mind's eye as black. I might not always feel that way, but right now I do.
This may not be everyone's idea of a healthy way of coping, but it is what works for me now. I am lightyears ahead of where I was. I hate being involved in flame wars, and when I find myself drawn into one, I do what I must to get myself out. Once I am out, *then* I can take a look at the whys. But if I don't take a step back, I get hopelessly sucked in, and a part of me I really dislike comes out. I don't like her. She is unreasonable. Irrational. She is the angry me. I'd rather step back and deal with my anger calmy than battle it out over some small point with a stranger over the internet.
I hope this makes more sense. I tried to say that before, but maybe I came accross wrong. I don't blame Mario. I have to stay away from him, not just for my sake, but for his, and for everyone elses! He is just a regular guy, and I don't really know him at all. But the fact is, something he said bothered me, and until I get over that, I won't be able to relate well in his presence. It's like a at party. you don't have to mingle with all the guests, but can still enjoy the party. So I feel I can still get what I need out of this thread if I "ignore" him. That way, I don't have to leave a thread that has helped me so much. And he doesn't have to leave either. After all, depressed or not, he is a member at allnurses and has just as much a right to be in this thread as anyone else. Besides...the ignore feature gives you the option of seeing that person's post if you wish. If I ever feel I want to check and see if I can read what he writes, and perhaps find out I am over my little hissy, I can unignore and move on.
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BellaTerra2002
111 Posts
Thanks to all of you for your replies. But I already knew my answer for myself when I seriously thought of NOT going to nursing school: Not a chance! I'm going to nursing school! And I'm going to graduate! And I'm going to get a job!
I can't imagine NOT going into nursing, SO I guess that's that. :)
Thanks for your encouragement. I appreciate it no end. :kiss
Bella Terra
PS: Yes, I know about college being 'dumbed down'. I've been going to college off and on all of my adult life. (It's only taken me 35 years to get my AA degree! :chuckle ) Not to mention that I went to high school in the early 60's, and when I see high school curriculum and course work now, I just about flip. It's about what I learned in Catholic grade school.