Things you'd LOVE to be able to tell patients, and get away with it.

Just curious as to what you would say. Mine goes something like this: Nurses Relations Video Nurse Life

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Hi, my name is AngelfireRN, I'll be your nurse tonight.

I am not a waitress, nor am I your slave.

Yelling and hurling obscenities at me will not get you your pain meds any sooner than they are ordered. Nor will having your family member or entourage do the same.

Threatening lawsuits and having umpteen family members camp out in the halls or hold up the nurse's station will not get you preferential treatment.

Physically grabbing me as I go down the hall is NOT a good idea.

I do not give the orders, but I do have to follow/enforce them. This is something that you should take up with your doctor.

No, I will not call him again to ask him for more pain medicine. He has been called twice and has said no both times.

No, I will not give you his number so you can "straighten him out".

No, you are not my only patient, and I highly doubt that you are single-handedly paying my salary. On the off chance that you are, let's talk about a raise.

NO, NO, NO, I most empahatically will NOT come get you when it is time for your next pain shot while you are having a smoke break. I also will not bring it to you in the smoking room. (Have actually said that, I am allergic to cigarettes. I did it once, had an asthma attack, desatted to 83, and turned blue, according to the patient and my charge nurse, after the patient had to help me back to the floor).

No, I don't really care if your family has not eaten all day, they drove here by themselves, they are not sick, and no, I will not call for 6 guest trays. (This of course, is if the patient in question does not need all 6 family members present, and is not at death's door).

No, you may not have 3 six-packs of soda from the kitchen, there are other people that would like a snack, too.

No, they will not open up the kitchen up just for you, at 1 in the morning, because you don't like the snacks we have on the floor.

I could think of hundreds, but those will do for a start. I know it sounds mean, but this is why I got out of bedside nursing. When a hospital becomes the Hilton, I'm gone!

Have fun!

Dear Patient:

Really nurses are not stupid. We have had every trick pulled on us more then once. First thing is you are not having a seizure if you are still talking to me. If you are nauseous why did you order fried chicken, french fries, ice cream, and a coke from the cafeteria and then want your phenergan because you zofran just doesn't satisfy you. To a few male patients if you can feed yourself you can at least wash your front half I am not here to show you a good time your here to get better. Yes you do have to get out of bed no matter how bad you feel I'm not mean I am doing my job, it would be mean of me to let you lay in bed all day. If your NPO it means you can not have anything to drink or eat and we know when your sneaking stuff. I have other patients and I'm sorry if I can't meet your needs immediately but your need will be answered in a timely manor. You can't leave the floor with a PCA and the reason is that people tend to share their PCA with other patients. Sex in the hospital is gross you are ill, and I do not want to walk in on you having relations with a significant other, patient or stranger. Please respect me and I will respect you.

Sincerely

your nurse

I do not give the orders, but I do have to follow/enforce them. This is something that you should take up with your doctor.

i used to tell my patients I don't make the rules, I just complain about them. It usually broke the tension of whatever they were complaining about.

Specializes in PeriOp, ICU, PICU, NICU.

I work at a hospital that has a tower called the Hilton Tower. I so would LOVE to tell these high maintenance folks that although we are called that, it should not be confused for the hotel!

Specializes in Med surg,.

THreating to have my license revoked is not going to get your 9pm oxy at 6pm however threatening me with physical violence is going to get the police called in here and you probably wont be here for you 9pm meds.

OK we all know your a quadrapelgic, you're a frequent flyer, and your an ass, do you have to prove it everytime you come here. Can you just come here once and be a decent human being. Seeing how many times you can say f@#& in a sentence doesnt get you better service, I cant help I cannot read your mind as to how you want moved. OK so you dont like how I am moving you and you say it only takes one person you dont want two in your room than do it yourself and when you can be decent and respectful I'll come back and get you in your chair.

Specializes in Cardiac, CVA.
The second time you use your call light for something you are able to do for yourself,like pull your blanket up,fluff your pillow lift your glass to your lips with your perfectly fine hands, your call light will distribute a minor electrical shock to you kind of like a cattle prod.

But more importantly,I would like to tell one or two of my co workers that they are ugly on the inside.

I love this one!! I would definitely say to this to several of our residents if I could get away with it. :yeah:

Specializes in ortho, hospice volunteer, psych,.
we have had every trick pulled on us more then once. first thing is you are not having a seizure if you are still talking to me.

sincerely

your nurse

if you actually do some reading about different types of seizures, you will find that, sometimes, the person having the seizure does, in fact, remain conscious and is able to carry on a lucid conversation. some types of seizures cause muscle contractions, others cause digestive upsets, some cause one-sided extremity shakes and/or tremors. all the aforementioned seizures do not cause unconsciousness, or render the seizure sufferer unable to talk.

how do i know??

i just described some of the types of seizure i have had in my lifetime, as the result of a congenital aneurysm that ruptured when i was 13 months old.

don't be so quick to assume when your patient states s/he has had or is having a seizure, because simple and complex partial lobe seizures aren't rare -- just harder to diagnose sometimes.

kathy

shar pei mom:paw::paw:

Specializes in Community, OB, Nursery.

"Did you see what your baby went through just to get born? Do you happen to realize everything he banged into on the way out? If he survived all that, then I can assure you that neither:

bringing him to your breast quickly for a good latch; nor

scrubbing his little hiney to get sticky meconium off his bum; nor

giving him a few good pats on the back to burp him; nor

having his head lag slightly behind the rest of his body for a split second when you pick him up

will hurt him in any way."

Specializes in CT stepdown, hospice, psych, ortho.

To the 18 year old visitor who doesn't want me to come the room to hang an IV because her 19 year old fiance is naked while she gives him a full body bath..."Sweetheart, I have 3 male children. I have been married twice. I am a nurse. I have seen hundreds of memberes in all shapes, sizes, and conditions. I do not think of them as sexual objects anymore. To me a member is the same as assessing a foot. I am going to inspect your boyfriend head to toe to make sure that his skin is intact since he refuses to get out of bed at all. You can be assured there will be no thoughts in my head relating to sex during that time. I will probably rush because I don't really like being around him, he is whiny, obnoxious, and has a lot of growing up to do. And frankly your hovering annoys me. Shouldn't you be in class instead of asking me the purpose of every single thing I do? BTW he is capable of washing his own body. Are you going to wait on him hand and foot the rest of your life? If you are that worried about me seeing him during bath time, feel free to throw a washrag on it, cos I'm comin' in!"

Specializes in PeriOp, ICU, PICU, NICU.
To the 18 year old visitor who doesn't want me to come the room to hang an IV because her 19 year old fiance is naked while she gives him a full body bath..."Sweetheart, I have 3 male children. I have been married twice. I am a nurse. I have seen hundreds of memberes in all shapes, sizes, and conditions. I do not think of them as sexual objects anymore. To me a member is the same as assessing a foot. I am going to inspect your boyfriend head to toe to make sure that his skin is intact since he refuses to get out of bed at all. You can be assured there will be no thoughts in my head relating to sex during that time. I will probably rush because I don't really like being around him, he is whiny, obnoxious, and has a lot of growing up to do. And frankly your hovering annoys me. Shouldn't you be in class instead of asking me the purpose of every single thing I do? BTW he is capable of washing his own body. Are you going to wait on him hand and foot the rest of your life? If you are that worried about me seeing him during bath time, feel free to throw a washrag on it, cos I'm comin' in!"

:yeah:

:up:

:clown:

:hhmth:

:tku:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Specializes in Gerontology.
I love when my patients think they're threatening me by saying they'll go AMA...because unless they're really psychotic, I pretty much tell them exactly what you wrote. And I love it when their face falls, they say "Oh" and back down, and are meek little mice for the rest of t:lol2:he shift

Trust me, patients: if you want to leave, fine by me--I won't lose any sleep over it! :)

This!

I had a pt threaten to sign himself out when he didn't get a private room. He changed his turn when I slapped down the AMA form and started to take out the IV that took the ER nurses 5 attempts to get in. (trust me- I didn't touch the site- just started to remove the tape from the tubing part). Once he realized that he was NOT going to get a private room by threatening me, he calmed down and stayed.

I had another lady threaten to sign herself out because the TV wasn't working. Also changed her tune when I called her bluff. Actually wished she had, because she was a PITA~

Here are my pet peeves (all taken from real experiences):

To my discharged patient: No, I won't call the hospitalist and request new prescriptions for your Xanax, Oxycontin, and Ultram. I don't believe you when you say that you don't have any pills left at home. Do you mean to tell me that you "magically" ran out of pills on the day that you were admitted to the hospital? It really gives me a kick to call your pharmacist, who tells me that you had these medications filled last week.

To family members: Just because you call out and say, "Mama has to go RIGHT NOW," does not mean that I can come and help her to the bathroom RIGHT NOW. Believe it or not, I am not going to leave my new patient with chest pain, just because "Mama" needs to void 150 cc's every 15 minutes.

To the patient I discharged last week: Please don't call the floor to ask me for health advice. You are not under my care any more, and I am not allowed to give health advice over the phone. Even if I know the answer to your question, the most I will say is "Go to the Emergency Room," to cover myself. I'm sorry if that makes you mad....maybe you should have kept that follow up appointment with your PCP that I made for you.

To my angry patient: I'm truly sorry that you had to wait for two hours for pain medication last night. The Powers That Be at my hospital have decided that "no one will notice" if they cut staff at night. Sure you can complain about the nurse, but I know for a fact that she was doing the best she could. Maybe you should direct your complaints towards the management, instead of the nursing staff.

I know that these may sound harsh, but it feels so good to vent!

Specializes in Medical.

Oh honey, I feel for you, I really do - being told your two year battle with cancer has been unsuccessful really does suck. But the reason your oncologist hasn't been in yet today isn't because he's no longer interested in you, afraid of death, or "casting [you] off into a corner to die." While some specialists do freak in the face of death, oncologists are pretty used to a chunk of their patients dying. They're not quite so used to that dying being wholly unexpected and in the middle of a code blue, which is where your oncologist has been for half of the morning - when the young girl who'd only been admitted yesterday for investigations suddenly drpped her GCS, started fitting, then lost her airway. She died, and I think giving him a minute or so to come to terms with that, and suppport her massively devastated family, not to mention the staff (medical and nursing) is fair enough. He'll come to you soon to talk palliative care options, I promise.

Actually, apart from the other patient details, I did kind of say this.

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