Things you'd LOVE to be able to tell patients, and get away with it. - page 130

:spin:Just curious as to what you would say. Mine goes something like this: Hi, my name is AngelfireRN, I'll be your nurse tonight. I am not a waitress, nor am I your slave. Yelling... Read More

  1. by   Zookeeper3
    Wait, for 6 days you have drove me insane asking "when will mom wake up"... after weeks being sedated and on the vent. NOW, that she is finally awake and communicating (with breathing tube), you want me to keep snowing her with pain meds, because her anxiety is uncomfortable for you to deal with??

    then when I pull you aside and suggest your hovering in her face with your panicked expression may not be helping her, you demand another nurse who will medicate her. Gladly! "you see "daughter", I'm the most exp. nurse here whom knows your mom for the past three weeks, I'll be happy to get you a brand new ICU nurse whom does not!

    ANYTHING that makes the family happy, anything... wouldn't want our patient satisfaction scores to suffer!
  2. by   emt2lpn2
    My fellow co-workers and I always joke about this(the things we said in our dream)...and to see a thread..LOL..

    OUR favorite one is your appt is at 1030 a.m. and the patient arrives at 1200 (our break time)my child has an appt at 1200 for a well check up...we wish we could say (I don't think so our break is at 1200 and we dont give appt at that time and you have 3 no shows and you're late every visit but we should accomidate you because we know you worked so hard to get here on time)....
  3. by   ShannonRN2010
    "I am so glad to see that you got your appetite back after your lap band removal...but do you think that 4 Baby Ruth bars in a row will help that 'stomach ache' you have been blaming on the lap band?"
  4. by   WoofyMutt80
    to the parents of our pediatric pts, and their whole family is on free healthcare:
    if you can afford that coach bag, prada shoes, and that lincoln navigator parked in our lot, then you can afford health insurance for you and your kid!!!
  5. by   Highschoolfuturenurs
    this is so funny! You guys WISH you could say this to your patients but what do you actually say instead?
  6. by   Nursebarebari
    Quote from Highschoolfuturenurs
    this is so funny! You guys WISH you could say this to your patients but what do you actually say instead?

    I had a 250 pounds asthma and sleep apnea patient on bipap with a blood glucose of 585 last 2 nights. After she she finished all the sandwiches and the juices on the unit, she ordered chinese food and asked me to go down and get the food for her cos the delivery guy was not allowed to come up. I boldly said "no, I can't". She said "I write your check", I said ''I pay for your help insurance". I was her nurse last night again and we got along very well.
  7. by   WalkieTalkie
    To the daughter whom I'd just explained why I was giving blood to her father for post-op bleeding and low blood pressure (after she comes out of the room frantic saying that the monitor is beeping):

    Yes, it's going to beep, yes it's ok, that's why he's getting blood. Unless you see me running, it's not an emergency.

    Oops, I actually did say this!
  8. by   Silverla
    What I wish I could say is:

    The reason I don't hit you back isn't that I'm afraid of you.
    The reason I don't spit back at you when you spit on me isn't that you control me.
    The reason I don't say resond to the ugly things you call me isn't because there is nothing I could say about you.
    It's because I'm professional and I'm not here for you, I'm here for the person in the room next to you, and the one after that, and the one after that.
    You are nothing but rain on an otherwise sunny day.
  9. by   monkeelouise
    Things actually said:

    To the 500 pounder with a dx of syncope:
    NO, you won't fit in a standard commode chair.
    We don't have a wheelchair that size.
    Who takes care of your personal hygiene at home?

    To the family member of the snoring lap choley patient: No, I don't wake patients up to bring them prn narcotics and yes, someone did cut her with a knife in the belly. Its not comfortable, by the way, your wife has had 3 children? All C-sections?. Interesting.

    To the overeager male patient: Your career as a stripper just did not pan out. and What would make you think I find that sight amusing? How odd.

    To the male patient that asks if I will hold his urinal with the wife in the room: Does your wife do that for you at home, and to the wife, Here you go honey, I'll step out and see my other 6 patients while you help your husband.
  10. by   silverbat
    oh my, so many things to say...
    1. No this is NOT hotel whatever, and I cannot help it that I do not have the thin sliced turkey on rye with miracle whip light, thin sliced onions and organic mustard.
    2.Please tell me when you first call eveything you need, not call me back for 4 things, one at a time.
    3. Yes, i am your nurse, and I will do anything you require, however, I am the nurse for 8 others and you might have to wait.
    4. No, i do not love you, I will not sleep with you, have your children, or keep you company in bed.
    5. Yes, when I catch you injecting illegal drugs in your jugular lines, I will WILL call the police. No, I will not believe that you found it that way.
    6. Yes, it is still illegal to smoke marijuana in the hospital
  11. by   BCgradnurse
    What I say...."No, I will not complete disability forms for you, you are not disabled. That is a good thing."

    What I'm thinking....."Get off your lazy butt and stop your whining. Millions of people with far worse medical conditions go to work everyday and you should too. I'll be damned if I'm paying taxes for you to sit on your butt and drink beer all day. Now go away...."
  12. by   Poi Dog
    I would love to say, "Listen, I take enough crap from xyz, are you going to do do this the easy way or the hard way? I don't need it from you."

  13. by   bekindtokittens
    I work on an acute care unit in a mental health facility. Here goes...

    "No, I will not give you any Vicodin, Klonopin, or Ativan "for the road". We're transferring you to the residential chemical dependency program in 15 minutes! What part of "no more addictive substances" don't you understand?"

    "So, I see that you lied about taking an overdose of Percocet in order to get your cheating boyfriend's attention. Yep, got your tox screen right here. No, you don't get to just leave now that you say you weren't really suicidal. It's called a 72 hour hold, and you got here one hour ago. You should know this, you've been here 5 times in the past 6 months under the same circumstances. Please think about that the next time you decide to tie up limited resources in the local ED with your borderline BS."

    "Laying on the floor screaming and yelling like a toddler will not make me give you your Klonopin any sooner. However, it will get you escorted to the QR where your audience will be whittled down to one person instead of the whole unit."

    "Oh, I'm sorry, that patient over there with audio, visual, and tactile hallucinations who is scared to death because it's her first psychotic break, she's making you feel uncomfortable? No, I can't just knock her out with a shot. I could sit with her and hold her hand, which usually helps, but I can't because I've had you hanging over my desk for the past 15 minutes complaining that there are MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE in a MENTAL HEALTH FACILITY."

    "Yes, you really do have to take out all your piercings. No, I will not pay for them if they close up. Why are you so concerned with those holes in your body when you planned on being dead today?"

    "No, you can't have pens, razors, drawstrings, shoelaces, lighters, cigarettes, alcoholic mouthwash, or anything else clearly listed as contraband on the list I gave you. Believe it or not, I actually have people here who are serious about ending their lives."

    "Smoking breaks are a privilege, not a right. I will add a 5 minute delay for every time you ask me when we are going out to smoke. Your peers are going to love you for that."

    "We are a psych facility, not a pain clinic. I absolutely do not care anymore about your knee injury. I hate that your constant whining has made me hate a job I used to love."
    Last edit by bekindtokittens on Jul 16, '10