Not sure where to put this

Nurse Ratched, RN · Jul 22, 2004

A couple of questions.

Are your kids also your husband's children (meaning, not from a previous relationship?)

Is there emotional, mental, or physical abuse?

Is either one of you in a relationship with someone else?

Especially if these are both your kids, and assuming that there is no abuse, it is certainly worthwhile to try and salvage this relationship.

Please consider getting into counseling immediately.

It's not unusual for a man to feel threatened by his wife being in nursing school. She gets the power to make a living to support herself. The important thing is that he understands he is not just the breadwinner to you.

You both need to figure out where this has gone wrong, why you have drifted apart, and (with professional help) whether you can get back your love.

Best of luck. I've been there and am proof that a marriage can be saved if both parties want to.

Trauma Columnist · Jul 22, 2004

Please consider counseling if at all possible. As relationships age, they do change - its not that its bad necessarily, just different! Good luck...

mitchsmom · Jul 22, 2004

I know how you feel... dh and I have had a really bad year... he is not for my decision to be in school and it is a huge stressor. We had other big problems that didn't help last year, and we are trying really hard to trudge through and come out on top.

We did counseling, and while I *do* recommend it, I will also say that I don't think it did a whole lot for us personally. We really didn't have a communication problem- we can talk til the cows come home and we understand each other, but we are at an impasse and are unwilling to compromise. So we are now sort of agreeing to disagree by default. I think other things have helped us more... just hanging in there, trying to balance the tough days with good times, plain remaining committed.

I have told dh that I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong and I'm not quitting (I feel like my compromise is going part-time so that I am able to still spend most of my time with the kids, which he claims is his primary concern) . But in general I try to keep it out of his face as much as possible & I try to put lots of extra effort into family and couple time together. I try to focus on the positive, compliment good traits and deeds, and maintain a sense of humor (a sense of humor at the right moment really saves us sometimes!!), while standing my ground. I have told him that I'm not going to finish school and leave him(I think that's really where it's all coming from for a lot of husbands). Even though we really don't have the money, we get sitters frequently so that we can have time alone. We have a family hobby that we do together at least once a week.

I wish I could say magic words to help. Try counseling and see how it works. Best wishes whatever direction you take :)

RN 2005 · Jul 22, 2004

I just wanted to write and wish you the best of luck through this time. I have been married 15 years and we are now in a very good place. BUT, it took us so long to get to really know eachother. Looking back I have absolutely no idea how we made it through all we have, :uhoh3: but we are so strong now. If there is any chance to work it out I really hope you can. Marriage is a roller coaster and there are so many ups and downs. But if you can hold on, it eventually may turn out to be the best decision you ever made - for you and your children. Good luck to you.

txspadequeenRN, BSN, RN · Jul 22, 2004

Are you maried to my husband? My gosh this is me, I would love to get seperated with finances, plain life and school it is not possible right now. My huband is not supportive he wants me to wait to go to school until he is done. Which is about 5 years from now. I needed him to help watch OUR 3 toddlers ( we have 5 kids 2 teens and 3 toddlers) the other day so I could study his response was "why dont you get a babysitter, Im busy". He just got done telling me that he no longer wants me to take is 1995 ford truck to school because "Im going to ruin it by running the airconditioner and just plain driving it ". He say's that it must last for him to go to school. Now I have a 1986 caprice but the airconditioner need major repairs on it ,so it's very hot on my way to school. I sweat and stink just from going 30 miles to school. I want to make the point here that when he first started going to school 75 miles away he used my brand new 2001 camero every day.... I told him that it was 50% mine and I was going to drive it anyway then he says " Ill make it to where you can't drive it " WHAT A GOOD SUPPORTIVE HUSBAND!!!!!!! So I pointed out thoses actions had consequences and I would release my horns and tail. Meaning that he would need a bus card, the caprice belongs to my dad but the truck is fair game in the divorce.My husband does not work he goes to school full time does not, cook ,he will clean laundry and things like that. He stay's up all night playing stupid video games then sleeps all day ( to 5-6pm) Please ask me who is taking care of my 3 toddlers while he is sleeping , my 11 year old daughter. I cannot afford a daycare, but I do pay her 100 dollars when I get paid. He say's he has to stay up because the "babies are up most the night " I was not raised like this, my dad worked from sun up to sun down building fence to support us. He would need to come three times a day to change clothes because he sweat so. I am not in love with him and wish I would have never married him . I see so many people that are in love and it just breaks my heart cause I want that. I cant imagine having a Husband that helps you instead of hindering you . You are not alone im sorry to say good luck.... :crying2:

mariedoreen · Jul 23, 2004

I know how you feel... dh and I have had a really bad year... he is not for my decision to be in school and it is a huge stressor. We had other big problems that didn't help last year, and we are trying really hard to trudge through and come out on top.
We did counseling, and while I *do* recommend it, I will also say that I don't think it did a whole lot for us personally. We really didn't have a communication problem- we can talk til the cows come home and we understand each other, but we are at an impasse and are unwilling to compromise. So we are now sort of agreeing to disagree by default. I think other things have helped us more... just hanging in there, trying to balance the tough days with good times, plain remaining committed.
I have told dh that I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong and I'm not quitting (I feel like my compromise is going part-time so that I am able to still spend most of my time with the kids, which he claims is his primary concern) . But in general I try to keep it out of his face as much as possible & I try to put lots of extra effort into family and couple time together. I try to focus on the positive, compliment good traits and deeds, and maintain a sense of humor (a sense of humor at the right moment really saves us sometimes!!), while standing my ground. I have told him that I'm not going to finish school and leave him(I think that's really where it's all coming from for a lot of husbands). Even though we really don't have the money, we get sitters frequently so that we can have time alone. We have a family hobby that we do together at least once a week.
I wish I could say magic words to help. Try counseling and see how it works. Best wishes whatever direction you take :)

I am so impressed with you. I have seen so many students cave in and give up because they didn't have the support of their spouse. It is just such a difficult path to travel without the support of your partner. I really, sincerely commend you on your ability to stay strong and go forward with this. I found your comment about having to reassure your husband that you will not finish school and leave him to be very interesting. You may have something there. My husband has been enormously supportive of my return to school throughout the last several years, and yet.. I've gotten these little comments here and there too which lead me to believe that on some level he has some concern that that is going to happen with us as well. It just goes to show you that a major change in a relationship always has the potential to be somewhat threatening.

And to the OP: counseling. For those who are willing to work on their relationships, compromise, etc.. it can work wonders. For those who are in a relationship with a partner who is not as willing to "bend" counseling can still be enormously helpful by giving them the resources they need to cope with their situation and decide exactly what to do.

Rn2b204 · Jul 23, 2004

Sorry to hear you are on a emotional roller coaster right now. I understand what you are going through. If someone had told me just how hard this marriage thing was going to be I might not have done it. I have only been married for 5 years and they have been the hardest years of my life. I know marriage is something to work hard at I mean really hard at until you bout pass out :wink2: I feel as though things can be worked out. I don't know your whole story but I think you are stressed because of school and maybe he is not helping the situation either.

You both should think about sitting down and talking to find out what you both need from each other, how you both are really feeling and work out something for the best of both parties. See what it is you both can do to re-sparke the flame. I'm sure your husband is feeling a way about something also and maybe even left out of your circle while you are excited about becoming a Nurse.

Just keep the lines of communication open. I know everything will work out for the best. I will say a prayer for you two.

Things will be okay,

RN2b204

RedSox33RN · Jul 23, 2004

FutureNurse, I am going through your exact situation right now, also initiated by me. If you would like to PM me, I'd love to chat with you.

I'm so sorry for your situation, and mine too. I feel like the "bad guy", but I've been unhappy with him for a long time, and though I tried to work through it, especially trying to get through school, I just couldn't. Just believe you are doing what is right for your situation. And it's hard to be a good mom when mom is miserable. (((hugs)))

Trauma Columnist · Jul 23, 2004

Probably the most important thing in dh's and my relationship is retaining a huge sense of humor. It has gotten us through some very difficult times. It helps that I like him too. I haven't always loved him but I'm sure he hasn't always loved me either. Good luck and take care of yourself.