Nit picky, demanding, control freak families

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I remember getting them in the hospital: Mom runs the show at home and immediately gets into a turf war in the hospital because 'the nurses don't know what they're doing."

Well I'm doing a private duty case in the home with one of these ...GAK!

She has a schedule written up with a med and treatment, etc every hour, and specific rules about how everything should be done. if its not 'her' way its wrong.

I just noticed she has a camera fixed on the patient care area so they can watch us in bed. She made a point of telling me she saw a nurse 'sleeping' once,( head down briefly on the table by the patient) another gave a 1 am and 2 am med together...and she fired them both...because she doesn't allow either and she was watching them in bed. :(

I don't know how to handle this mother, or if I can stand working with her. Any suggestions?? The other nurses told me she hurts their feeling continuously...because they've been with her 5 years and she STILL makes a point to watch them doing cares and nitpick ever little thing. I can't help but feel they have enabled this poor behavior by not confronting it. What does everyone here think??

Sometimes we feel like screaming and yelling and beating our heads against the wall. It can be very hard to work with people such as this and knowing that there is a camera on certainly doesn't make things any easier.

I am not defending Mom's behavior, but sometimes trying to understand the root of it makes finding a way to deal with it easier. I don't know everything about this situation but many families in which there is a sick member share commonalities. You mention that the patient is in her 20's. Mom probably has given up much of her life to caring for and overseeing the care of her child- this has become her mission. It is also hard to have non-family members come into your home.

With the meds that she required being given an hour apart- take the time to find out why. Maybe she has a good reason that you don't know about, maybe not. If not, work with her and provide evidenced-based documentation that shows no contraindication for it. Allow her to be a part of the decision-making process however small. Having a ill family member often means that much power is taken away about decisions.

Personally I would not like to have a camera watching every move I make. Not that I'm going to do anything wrong, but that's just not the way I work. Cameras are also very small now a days. There may be other cameras you don't know about. Address this with her. Just as she has requests that you are expected to respect- you too are allowed to have requests that she should respect. If she refuses to take the camera down find out why. Maybe something bad happened in the past. Work with her and come to a compromise. Allow the camera to stay up for a certain period of time until she is comfortable with your care and let her know that after that time you expect no cameras to be present. Put her in your situation and make her think about how she would feel being "spied" upon.

You are a guest in her home, but you (and any other nurses providing care) should be treated with the same amount of dignity and respect that she expects from you in return. When she starts dictating orders, just stop her. Tell her that you will work with her in a collaborative manner with the goal of helping the patient but will not take orders. If none of these things worked then I would leave- maybe it will make her re-think her behaviors.

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Is this a live-in position?

Seriously though, I know how you feel. I know that I've had patients whose families have "granny-cams" in the rooms. It makes me nervous because not everything is visible on the camera, and things can still be misinterpreted even though it's on film.

I understand about gaining trust of families. It can be difficult, but worthwhile. I'm sure you'll do fine.

Not live in (altho some of the nurses have for family vacations). I am on night shift. I find that I get nervous with an audience....and a camera (specially if it has FILM) makes me jumpy. I don't like feeling that way. :(

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Sometimes we feel like screaming and yelling and beating our heads against the wall. It can be very hard to work with people such as this and knowing that there is a camera on certainly doesn't make things any easier.

I am not defending Mom's behavior, but sometimes trying to understand the root of it makes finding a way to deal with it easier. I don't know everything about this situation but many families in which there is a sick member share commonalities. You mention that the patient is in her 20's. Mom probably has given up much of her life to caring for and overseeing the care of her child- this has become her mission. It is also hard to have non-family members come into your home.

With the meds that she required being given an hour apart- take the time to find out why. Maybe she has a good reason that you don't know about, maybe not. If not, work with her and provide evidenced-based documentation that shows no contraindication for it. Allow her to be a part of the decision-making process however small. Having a ill family member often means that much power is taken away about decisions.

Personally I would not like to have a camera watching every move I make. Not that I'm going to do anything wrong, but that's just not the way I work. Cameras are also very small now a days. There may be other cameras you don't know about. Address this with her. Just as she has requests that you are expected to respect- you too are allowed to have requests that she should respect. If she refuses to take the camera down find out why. Maybe something bad happened in the past. Work with her and come to a compromise. Allow the camera to stay up for a certain period of time until she is comfortable with your care and let her know that after that time you expect no cameras to be present. Put her in your situation and make her think about how she would feel being "spied" upon.

You are a guest in her home, but you (and any other nurses providing care) should be treated with the same amount of dignity and respect that she expects from you in return. When she starts dictating orders, just stop her. Tell her that you will work with her in a collaborative manner with the goal of helping the patient but will not take orders. If none of these things worked then I would leave- maybe it will make her re-think her behaviors.

THANK YOU...yes, it is the respect issue bothering me, and the giving of orders!! You give excellent suggestions..thank you!

I left the hospital setting due to respect issues, so my feelings are still a bit tender even after an 8 month hiatus.

Love the 'I will work with you in a collaborative manner but I expect the same human respect and dignity back that I give to you, unconditionally."

And I may have to leave...but I will give things a chance. I'm not one to work with someone over my shoulder telling me I'm doing my nursing care 'wrong' just because its not their way, nor do I like being spied on and maybe taped. too much room for interpretation there, as you mentioned. :(

Wish me luck ya'll and thanks to erveryone for their excellent input!! :)

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Specializes in Case Management, Home Health, UM.

I remember those days TOO well. 99% of the time it wasn't the patient doing the complaining. It was the family members, of which some of them seemed to take delight in making our lives a living hell. While I understand many of them had legitimate concerns regarding the care of their loved ones, others had mistaken us for their maids, which was NOT why we were placed in their homes to BEGIN with! :angryfire

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Not to make light of the situation, but....

this is causing a reaaaaaally weird visual for me over here.... :roll

Believe it or not We had one of theses families . My CNA's all would quit withen 2 days. That worked for this family. Mom would keep running in and saying he needs Rom or this or that when she would be watching him and my CNA on camara. Even in the night. We felt at our company it was a lawsuit waiting to happened and stoped service.Gave it to another company found they did the same as we did after one month of service .The family was out of hand .

I personaly would not want to work for that family your working for.

Happy

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Well more on the saga. After working for this household a few weeks I learned the dysfunction was just as much within the primary nurse as the mother. The day nurse would tell me "Mom said so and so about you'. Then I would talk to Mom and she would say "NO Betty said that about you not me ' (the primary nurse)

The nitpicking got to be too much for me. I was the worst nurse in the world because I didn't have a clean washcloth folded rectangularly on the right side of the patient, and a clean one folded triangularly on the left side. (I kid you not) The primary nurse comes in, immediately moves all my supplies and even moves the bed while giving me a list of things 'wrong' like the above. Another nitpick was I had bathed the patient and put a clean tshirt on, when what SHE wanted was for me to put a gown on her, because today was tub bath day. ????? Like I can read her mind? And doesn't she have 2 arms to put a gown on if she wants it on the patient??? GRRRR.

:angryfire

I just can't work in this type environment. :(

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Specializes in Oncology/Haemetology/HIV.
Two words:

Bye Bye !!! :D

I agree.

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Specializes in Utilization Management.
I was the worst nurse in the world because I didn't have a clean washcloth folded rectangularly on the right side of the patient, and a clean one folded triangularly on the left side.

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!! I'd run outta there screaming, MM!

Or I'd be reduced to muttering something like, "Oh, is THIS what they're busy teaching in nursing school nowadays...."

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Specializes in Medical.
I was the worst nurse in the world because I didn't have a clean washcloth folded rectangularly on the right side of the patient, and a clean one folded triangularly on the left side.

What kind of nursing school did you go to? I think it's outrageous that this isn't something you routinely do. I know that the first thing I do, even before I get handover, is fold my clean washcloths (one horizontally, one vertically, and one in the shape of a swan) for each patient...

Seriously - who are these people?

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ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!! I'd run outta there screaming, MM!

Or I'd be reduced to muttering something like, "Oh, is THIS what they're busy teaching in nursing school nowadays...."

Yeah my response was something along the lines of 'Are you serious? THIS is what you are upset with me about???' :rolleyes:

Well I had a firm talk with the primary nurse (who is an LPN) and told her this stuff had to stop. She accused me of 'not taking direction well'. I replied I have zero problem taking APPROPRIATE direction, nor in accepting constructive criticism...but what she is doing was neither.

I called my agency and told them I couldn't work there. I also told them they should evaluate this LPN's behavior. Part of the trouble may be the LPN/RN thing... she thinks she's my 'supervisor', resents me making more $$$ as a RN, etc. They can't keep staff at this home and I know why!

Of course, since this LPN is the 'established' nurse, it is I who have the problem in their eyes.

My agency will work on placing me elsewhere. Hopefully I won't find the same thing every place I go...if so I won't be able to stand it. Retirement looks better and better....LOL! :chuckle

Thanks for the friendly ears and words of advice all! :)

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What kind of nursing school did you go to? I think it's outrageous that this isn't something you routinely do. I know that the first thing I do, even before I get handover, is fold my clean washcloths (one horizontally, one vertically, and one in the shape of a swan) for each patient...

Seriously - who are these people?

LOL...I hear ya!! it is because the family viewed this as essential for their child (one washcloth for her drooling mouth, and the second triangulated and ready to go to cover her eyes for a stat updraft) and the nursing staff bought into it and didn't squelch it immediately.

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Yeah my response was something along the lines of 'Are you serious? THIS is what you are upset with me about???' :rolleyes:

Well I had a firm talk with the primary nurse (who is an LPN) and told her this stuff had to stop. She accused me of 'not taking direction well'. I replied I have zero problem taking APPROPRIATE direction, nor in accepting constructive criticism...but what she is doing was neither.

I called my agency and told them I couldn't work there. I also told them they should evaluate this LPN's behavior. Part of the trouble may be the LPN/RN thing... she thinks she's my 'supervisor', resents me making more $$$ as a RN, etc. They can't keep staff at this home and I know why!

Of course, since this LPN is the 'established' nurse, it is I who have the problem in their eyes.

My agency will work on placing me elsewhere. Hopefully I won't find the same thing every place I go...if so I won't be able to stand it. Retirement looks better and better....LOL! :chuckle

Thanks for the friendly ears and words of advice all! :)

WOW! I would have probably lost it by then said lets step out side. Tell her You may do things different than. I But This does not give you the right or license to correct you in front of Pt or family. I would have written her Up with the agency . I would not care if the PT is a vegetable, That RN, she doesn't have the right, Very unprofessional .As we well know a lot of these kids respond to stimuli and can feel the tension This is not good for them as well as you . How dare this RN play games back in forth. I would be telling her Put every thing in writing so you have documentation to show the agency. I hope you have been documenting every thing out of this RN mouth to back your self up dates and all .In case they let you go so you can collect UN-employment most of the cases that are fought are won by the employee.

Happy

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