Nit picky, demanding, control freak families

Published

I remember getting them in the hospital: Mom runs the show at home and immediately gets into a turf war in the hospital because 'the nurses don't know what they're doing."

Well I'm doing a private duty case in the home with one of these ...GAK!

She has a schedule written up with a med and treatment, etc every hour, and specific rules about how everything should be done. if its not 'her' way its wrong.

I just noticed she has a camera fixed on the patient care area so they can watch us in bed. She made a point of telling me she saw a nurse 'sleeping' once,( head down briefly on the table by the patient) another gave a 1 am and 2 am med together...and she fired them both...because she doesn't allow either and she was watching them in bed. :(

I don't know how to handle this mother, or if I can stand working with her. Any suggestions?? The other nurses told me she hurts their feeling continuously...because they've been with her 5 years and she STILL makes a point to watch them doing cares and nitpick ever little thing. I can't help but feel they have enabled this poor behavior by not confronting it. What does everyone here think??

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in med/surg, telemetry, IV therapy, mgmt.

This is sometimes what private duty is like. Money talks (even if insurance is paying for you). Working in the capacity of a private duty nurse is very similar to being in service to a wealthy family. It is a servitude position and you owe them your loyalty and obedience just like any other employer. There are a lot of things, as you've discovered, that clash with the regular nursing practices that go on in an acute hospital. This family also has a lot of paranoia because of past incidents.

I speak with some knowledge of your situation because I did private duty for 3 years out of a private duty nurses registry and had a number of these types of relatives who were fabulously wealthy. The really successful private duty nurses had a way of gaining the trust and admiration of many of these families though not all. They kept a positive attitude around the family. Once they were able to gain some trust they could often talk the family into changing the way of doing a procedure, but it took time. I would try to show the mom some interest each day and let her know I was concerned about her. If the medication and treatment schedule is not harming the patient then I think you should carry it out as the mom has instructed. You have two patients here, "the patient" and the mom. My last suggestion is that you stay out of any turf war here. Mom is pretty much the winner by default in most things. You might be able to get the doctor to intervene with the mom, but most likely he's kind of in the same boat you are. Ultimately, I recommend that as long as the patient is not being harmed and the doctor's orders followed, the mom's requests should be followed.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in ICU, step down, dialysis.

Is this a peds case by chance? I had talked with some folks once who did private duty care for peds, and told me how demanding the parents can be in this area at times.

I remember getting them in the hospital: Mom runs the show at home and immediately gets into a turf war in the hospital because 'the nurses don't know what they're doing."

Well I'm doing a private duty case in the home with one of these ...GAK!

She has a schedule written up with a med and treatment, etc every hour, and specific rules about how everything should be done. if its not 'her' way its wrong.

I just noticed she has a camera fixed on the patient care area so they can watch us in bed. She made a point of telling me she saw a nurse 'sleeping' once,( head down briefly on the table by the patient) another gave a 1 am and 2 am med together...and she fired them both...because she doesn't allow either and she was watching them in bed. :(

I don't know how to handle this mother, or if I can stand working with her. Any suggestions?? The other nurses told me she hurts their feeling continuously...because they've been with her 5 years and she STILL makes a point to watch them doing cares and nitpick ever little thing. I can't help but feel they have enabled this poor behavior by not confronting it. What does everyone here think??

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Hemodialysis, Home Health.
I remember getting them in the hospital: Mom runs the show at home and immediately gets into a turf war in the hospital because 'the nurses don't know what they're doing."

Well I'm doing a private duty case in the home with one of these ...GAK!

She has a schedule written up with a med and treatment, etc every hour, and specific rules about how everything should be done. if its not 'her' way its wrong.

I just noticed she has a camera fixed on the patient care area so they can watch us in bed. She made a point of telling me she saw a nurse 'sleeping' once,( head down briefly on the table by the patient) another gave a 1 am and 2 am med together...and she fired them both...because she doesn't allow either and she was watching them in bed. :(

I don't know how to handle this mother, or if I can stand working with her. Any suggestions?? The other nurses told me she hurts their feeling continuously...because they've been with her 5 years and she STILL makes a point to watch them doing cares and nitpick ever little thing. I can't help but feel they have enabled this poor behavior by not confronting it.

What does everyone here think??

Two words:

Bye Bye !!! :D

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Utilization Management.
I just noticed she has a camera fixed on the patient care area so they can watch us in bed.

Not to make light of the situation, but....

this is causing a reaaaaaally weird visual for me over here.... :roll

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Hemodialysis, Home Health.

ermmmmmmm.. does she ever SLEEP ? :uhoh3:

Sounds like she's lying in wait for that "perfect" lawsuit ! :rolleyes:

Up Vote Up Vote ×
This is sometimes what private duty is like. Money talks (even if insurance is paying for you). Working in the capacity of a private duty nurse is very similar to being in service to a wealthy family. It is a servitude position and you owe them your loyalty and obedience just like any other employer. There are a lot of things, as you've discovered, that clash with the regular nursing practices that go on in an acute hospital. This family also has a lot of paranoia because of past incidents.

I speak with some knowledge of your situation because I did private duty for 3 years out of a private duty nurses registry and had a number of these types of relatives who were fabulously wealthy. The really successful private duty nurses had a way of gaining the trust and admiration of many of these families though not all. They kept a positive attitude around the family. Once they were able to gain some trust they could often talk the family into changing the way of doing a procedure, but it took time. I would try to show the mom some interest each day and let her know I was concerned about her. If the medication and treatment schedule is not harming the patient then I think you should carry it out as the mom has instructed. You have two patients here, "the patient" and the mom. My last suggestion is that you stay out of any turf war here. Mom is pretty much the winner by default in most things. You might be able to get the doctor to intervene with the mom, but most likely he's kind of in the same boat you are. Ultimately, I recommend that as long as the patient is not being harmed and the doctor's orders followed, the mom's requests should be followed.

Good advice...thanks. Getting the right

'frame of mind' here and gaining their trust is my priority... first. :)

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Is this a peds case by chance? I had talked with some folks once who did private duty care for peds, and told me how demanding the parents can be in this area at times.

She has been care coordinator for her daughter since early childhood..the girl is now a young lady of 20. :)

I understand some of the Mom's paranoia...and why she doesn't trust nurses. I will have to gain her trust. :)

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Not to make light of the situation, but....

this is causing a reaaaaaally weird visual for me over here.... :roll

Haha...guess I need to watch my grammar here, eh? They have the camera fixed on the patient care area, and they view us from their bedroom (the parents) :roll

Up Vote Up Vote ×
ermmmmmmm.. does she ever SLEEP ? :uhoh3:

Sounds like she's lying in wait for that "perfect" lawsuit ! :rolleyes:

I'm trying hard to understand her fears and put myself in her situation, but I just don't like the idea of being spied on. and she didn't point out the camera...I noticed it and asked about it directly. :cool:

Maybe her bark is worse than her bite and she wants to let me know she keeps an eye on us. Lord give me strength!

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Utilization Management.

Is this a live-in position?

Seriously though, I know how you feel. I know that I've had patients whose families have "granny-cams" in the rooms. It makes me nervous because not everything is visible on the camera, and things can still be misinterpreted even though it's on film.

I understand about gaining trust of families. It can be difficult, but worthwhile. I'm sure you'll do fine.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Thanks for everybody's input!! I recognize I'm in a whole 'nuther setting and my PR skills are really going to get a workout here...LOL! I am generally very good with these situations in the hospital, so I will work on honing that side of me. :)

I left a message for Mom and Dad to call me...I oriented with the primary nurse, but I want to spend some time with the parents now...I figure if I approach them it will help us get more acquainted, and that I show an interest in their wishes. wish me luck and again thanks for all the perspectives!! :)

Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Join the Discussion