Members are discussing a nurse's relationship struggles due to working night shifts and the impact on his girlfriend. Some members suggest setting a specific sleep schedule, while others recommend considering a different job with normal hours. There are differing opinions on the girlfriend's behavior, with some suggesting she needs to be more understanding, while others feel she should get a job and be more supportive. Overall, the discussion revolves around finding a balance between work, relationships, and personal well-being.
Though I've been reading AllNurses posts since I was a student, this is my first post. It's doubling as a rant and a plea for some advice from my colleagues!
I've been dating my girlfriend for four years now and have had serious thoughts about marrying her (this goes both ways). We rarely ever fight or argue, but when we do it's often about the same things. One of those that comes up the most is how I "never take her anywhere" and more recently how "I'm always too tired to do anything."
We started dating when I had just become a nursing student. On top of all the work/study required at school, I also held a part time nights & weekend job at a large scale catering facility wherein we served anywhere from 150-1,000 guests depending on the occasion. It was exhausting work!
Fast forward a couple years later, we were both excited and happy when I finally got a job offer to work as a full time RN. Now a year into it, I usually feel absolutely miserable. I work the 12 (usually 13+) hour night shift on a neuro-tele unit where we're always understaffed and the usual patient load is 6 + an admission. Over the past year, I've never felt more stressed out in my entire life and I've never hated working anywhere more than I do now. I love what I do as a nurse, but I hate the environment in which I do it.
After work, I'm completely exhausted and drained. If I have work the following night, I'm usually in bed right after I shower, getting ready for the night ahead. On my days off, I'm still exhausted, but excited that I'll get to do the things I enjoy. I stay up until 10-11 playing games or reading or doing other low-energy activities, then I wake up late around 6-7. Obviously, I feel more active at night due to my completely reversed schedule: 7:00 pm is my 7:00 am - 2:00 pm is like 2:00 am to me.
My girlfriend is a college student wrapping up her bachelor's degree in biology and other than that she really has no responsibilities. She hasn't had a steady job since we started dating - working temporarily during the summer as a babysitter, or pet store assistant, or volunteering at a vet office - and the only "friends" she has are guys who want to get in her pants. She doesn't get along well with girls because she's a bit of a tomboy, but that's an entirely different rant/story. Because of this, unless she's going out with me she doesn't get out much, and because of my working hours and sleep schedule there's not much for us to do during my "normal waking hours." Everything closes at 9-10pm, but that's just when my day is getting started!
On top of my sleep-schedule issues, I recently went to get my back checked out due to this often incredible pain I've been having and found out I have a herniated disc as well as a vertebral fracture in my lumbar spine which will require surgical repair. This further adds to my lack of desire to go out to do anything physical.
My girlfriend and I recently got in an argument, wherein she tells me that I'm always sleepy, that I'm so lazy and never feel like doing anything, that we never go anywhere (apparently going to stores/the movies doesn't count?), and that she's always bored and she's sick of it. She said she misses the way I used to be when we first started dating. I told her that I like doing what she wants to do - going for walks in the park, going to the museum, etc. - but she never tells me when she wants to do these things and when I ask if she wants to do anything she'll reply with "I don't know", "what do you wanna do?", or something of that nature. I told her I'm not a mind reader and that she needs to tell me that she wants to do these things when we're together... But then again, it's usually dark out by the time I'm feeling active.
Part of me feels that she has way too much free time on her hands and that she needs a job to preoccupy her time so that she can sympathize with how I feel and my desire to relax when I'm not at work. Part of me feels like these 12+ hour night shifts, the stress of my work environment, and my inverse sleeping schedule is causing me to be overly-lazy or not allowing me to spend any quality time with her, which is unfair to her.
That's the rant. Now I need some advice... What can I do to improve my life? So far, the only thing I can think of is finding a different job with more normal hours - maybe home health care: 8-4:30, 5 days a week.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time!
This is why it's important to date people who already had somewhat interesting lives of their own prior to meeting you. It seems like the girlfriend depends too much on you for a social life, entertainment, amusement, et al. I think it's a red flag when a person leans on her partner to give her the interesting life that she cannot or will not provide for herself.
It sounds like she needs to get a job so she can interact with other people. The way you make it sound she does not do anything but school. I was out of work for 3 moths and I was driving my SO crazy because I was home alone all day. As soon as he would walk in the door (from a 12 hr shift at a nuclear plant) I would want to talk and do stuff. It really does make a big difference. Good luck, good relationships are hard to come by.
Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
Whatever you do, DO NOT take this relationship to the next level unless and until she grows up. You are working, supporting you two and that's the real world. It's not nightshift that's killing the relationship but her attitude.
She has a lot to learn about real world work and life. We don't always get what we want and she sounds like she needs a social life outside your relationship.
Don't get engaged, don't get married----- unless and until she respects your contributions and work and has grown up, and has healthy social relationships outside yours.
I also struggle with working nights and maintaining a relationship. The most recent ideas I have been trying and working out so far is to coordinate days off. It may not always work out but for the most part it allows me to have a day to myself to recover and then a day I can spend with my Boyfriend. It's about finding a balance and an agreement that works for both. Don't give up, just try and find a happy medium!
She's the one with the problem! Working nights can be tough on a relationship, but if both are willing to compromise it can be done. My bf knows I love working nights so when a night position opened up for him he took it! Now we are on the same schedule and things are great!
I'm also going to say don't ditch her yet. She is wrapping up her degree, you said? Give her time to get done and find a job. Coordinate date nights like a PP suggested. I think it's too soon to say dump her until you figure out how your dynamic works once you're both working. I wouldn't give up on four years of a good relationship so quickly.
I had this same problem with my BF of four years. He had so much more free time than me, and his hours were 9-5pm with no weekends. I was in a constant state of trying to make it up to him, as I was either working or catching up on stuff outside of work for us to do a lot of dating, even though we hung out at his place every night I was not working until he fell asleep.
I suggested we could live together to make it easier for us to hang out during my limited time off, yet he always had a reason not to do so. At the end of four years we ended it and although I miss him, I finally have peace of mind at my work and can do other more productive activities with my free time.
I know some people here suggested counseling, but maybe it is just notice that your current GF is not for you.
lol of course, people who do night shift will be biased and say is ok, no big deal, is the same as long as you sleep, etc they rationalize to defend their life choice, but is not ok, is terrible for your body, no matter how many hours you sleep, how you accommodate your life around it, it is never the same, is a constant fog sensation, you're never fully alert, even though you just woke up, you feel and look more tired and drowsy than people who slept at night who should be more tired than you
If you do it longer than 1 year, you will get sick of it, it will take its toll on your body, family, friends, everything, impossible to have a girlfriend
At first is cool, and you dont have a problem, but after months and months, youll sleep less hours, feel more tired, look like crap, have more trouble sleeping during the day, etc.
This is why one should consider or do night shift before even considering studying nursing
lol of course, people who do night shift will be biased and say is ok, no big deal, is the same as long as you sleep, etc they rationalize to defend their life choice, but is not ok, is terrible for your body, no matter how many hours you sleep, how you accommodate your life around it, it is never the same, is a constant fog sensation, you're never fully alert, even though you just woke up, you feel and look more tired and drowsy than people who slept at night who should be more tired than you
If you do it longer than 1 year, you will get sick of it, it will take its toll on your body, family, friends, everything, impossible to have a girlfriend
At first is cool, and you dont have a problem, but after months and months, youll sleep less hours, feel more tired, look like crap, have more trouble sleeping during the day, etc.
This is why one should consider or do night shift before even considering studying nursing
I agree. Worked nights 14 years. Been dayshift past 4. Hated the change but my body feels better. Unfortunately the job was an hour away in Acute Dialysis which is hell with on call all the time. I'm about to change jobs to nights again and hate it. Your body is letting you know you need a dayshift. But newer RNS aren't lucky in getting them. Hang in there and maybe one will open up. If not on your floor, then another. Good luck.
817nurse
77 Posts
This is why it's important to date people who already had somewhat interesting lives of their own prior to meeting you. It seems like the girlfriend depends too much on you for a social life, entertainment, amusement, et al. I think it's a red flag when a person leans on her partner to give her the interesting life that she cannot or will not provide for herself.