Vent: parents

[Coffee Nurse, BSN, RN]

I'm sure just about every area of nursing deals with difficult family members at some point, but I just have to vent some spleen about conditions on our unit recently. I wouldn't dream of walking into a place where I am utterly unfamiliar with the work done and starting to tell the employees how to do their own jobs; why is it okay for parents to do that to us? Where do they come up with these ideas, like milk can only be taken out of the fridge ten minutes before a feed or a micropreemie has to be changed the second her diaper gets dirty even if it's only been half an hour since the last one, and why don't they listen to us when we try to use logic and rationality to explain why we do what we do? I educate until I'm blue in the face, but they put more stock in what another parent (of a baby whose history and clinical picture is completely different) has told them in the hallway. I'm spending more time every shift documenting about parent interactions than about the actual baby, and it's getting to the point where I'm feeling like -- what is the point, even, of trying to teach parents to do things correctly, when they're going to do whatever the heck they feel like anyway?

Thanks for reading, if you've gotten this far. It's just incredibly frustrating and demoralizing to feel like I'm stuck between doing what is best for the baby and not pissing off the parents.

[liane90]

I do not think that the parents are intentionally being frustrating, but they are scared. Having some sort of control, whether they really do or imagined, is a comfort. As far as listening to random other parents, there seems to be a general belief that hospitals are only there to make money and do not care. You know that isn't true, but a frightened parent that has imagined every possible and even impossible thing going wrong, you are just a part of a big corporation with a bottom line. I would say just smile and nod.

[Coffee Nurse, BSN, RN]

I do not think that the parents are intentionally being frustrating, but they are scared. Having some sort of control, whether they really do or imagined, is a comfort. As far as listening to random other parents, there seems to be a general belief that hospitals are only there to make money and do not care. You know that isn't true, but a frightened parent that has imagined every possible and even impossible thing going wrong, you are just a part of a big corporation with a bottom line. I would say just smile and nod.

I do get that they're scared and trying to hang on to some semblance of control, that's a very natural reaction. My problem is when what they want to do directly conflicts with what is in the best interest of the baby, who is, after all, my patient. I can't just smile and nod when a mom wants to change her preemie's diaper every time she sees it's wet; that baby needs to be allowed to sleep for prolonged periods of time, and it's detrimental to his proper development if mom keeps fiddling with him, moving him around, etc. And yet it's very difficult, with some parents, to encourage them to let baby sleep without them interpreting it as "I don't want you to touch your baby." I am constantly teaching and explaining everything I do and recommend and request, so it hurts -- yes, hurts, because this is a vent and therefore a bit emotional -- to feel like they don't trust me (and the rest of the staff telling them the same things!) to have baby's best interests in mind.

[Mavrick, BSN, RN]

I can so see both sides of this . You want to give the best possible care based on your education and abilities and they want the best possible outcome based on ..... well ...... hope. They can do so little really. But they have so much to lose.

Reminds me of Early Peoples trying to influence rain etc. So totally out of one's control but the need is vital, so they come up with rituals and prayers that absolutely have to work.

You keep working your miracles that bring these little ones home.

[liane90]

I understand what you are saying, and I hope you didn't take my comment in a negative way, as it was not meant to be so. Being in the medical field will always have frustrations, but the fact that you are there to stand up for these children and make sure they are ok is a good thing. Venting is healthy to do so long as you do indeed do it some place where it will not get back to the parents (here, as you did). Fear makes people stupid.

[Coffee Nurse, BSN, RN]

I understand what you are saying, and I hope you didn't take my comment in a negative way, as it was not meant to be so. Being in the medical field will always have frustrations, but the fact that you are there to stand up for these children and make sure they are ok is a good thing. Venting is healthy to do so long as you do indeed do it some place where it will not get back to the parents (here, as you did). Fear makes people stupid.

No, I do appreciate where you're coming from. There comes a point where it's hard to keep standing up because you're being viewed as the Wicked Witch of the West, but part of the territory, I guess.

[Coffee Nurse, BSN, RN]

I can so see both sides of this . You want to give the best possible care based on your education and abilities and they want the best possible outcome based on ..... well ...... hope. They can do so little really. But they have so much to lose.

Reminds me of Early Peoples trying to influence rain etc. So totally out of one's control but the need is vital, so they come up with rituals and prayers that absolutely have to work.

You keep working your miracles that bring these little ones home.

Heh, I get this analogy. Thing is, each preemie that goes home is maybe 10% miracle, and 90% dedication and hard work from the entire team -- and yes, in the best scenarios, that includes the parents, which is why we try to teach and get them on board with contributing to baby's care -- but in an appropriate way. The ones who can't learn to trust the staff and our combined decades' worth of education and experience are the ones who cling to random neuroses that they think will make the baby get better.

[liane90]

Better to be a wicked witch and send home a baby than be a pushover and have the baby fail. What you do is needed, even if it makes you unpopular with the parents. You are going to run into the worriers, the 'faith healers', those that think they can heal their babies with essential oils and herbs. You are the first line of advocacy for the little ones. I know it must be a huge burden when the parents refuse to listen, but without people like you, where would the care for the children lie?

[NicuGal, MSN, RN]

There are some parents that will do whatever it is you don't want them to do, and unfortunately sometimes it takes the baby doing something bad to make them realize we are only asking them to do what is best for their baby.

I always tell parents, the hardest thing I am ever going to ask you to do is to leave your baby alone in between care. Sleep is when their body and brain grow. And if the don't I do point out when baby is squirmy and baby is desatting or when their labs look

bad. It isn't being mean, it is being realistic. And if

they are mad about it oh well. I Do get them involved as much as possible. But like I said, there are ones that will do whatever they want.

[Elvish, BSN, DNP, RN, NP]

It's a fine line to walk sometimes. And sometimes when parents ask, "Why is s/he doing that [desatting, screaming his head off a la the NAS kids, not improving, whatever]?" on a kid when mom and dad have done the exact opposite of what we ask, sometimes it takes one of us saying (tactfully, of course), "He was fine until you messed with him even though we asked you not to."

[FolksBtrippin, BSN, RN]

OP, you have just pointed out the number 2 reason I never, ever want to work in peds, NICU, etc.

Parents.

#1 is sick and dying children. Can't do it.

Mass respect for you and what you do. Keep up the good fight.

[babyNP., APRN]

Yes, mad respect for all the work the bedside RNs do with the parents. It's much less stressful as a NNP not being at the bedside for my entire shift. I still have my own stress from time to time, but it's not the emotionally draining kind.