New Nurse, New Mom

JKL33 · Dec 4, 2022

7 minutes ago, Newbynurse123 said:

He called me selfish and that it wouldn’t be fair because he would have to get up during the night for feeds.

Oh...my.

Is there more going on? I admit I am very lucky but I can't imagine something like this being said to me. That is not okay. For starters it's an insulting way to interact with one's spouse, an immature approach to problem-solving, it is unkind and unloving and completely selfish to boot.

It is not a good idea to plan on working an exhausting job all night and then come home and be alone on duty caring for an infant or young child of any age. Have people done it? Yes. I know one who did it for awhile (because of the first-time super-mom thing) without any disasters, but realized part way through that it wasn't really the best idea and trying to do stupid things (instead of having some help) was unnecessary. And that was with an extremely kind, helpful, and fully-participatory spouse. It was not a disaster but was just not the best plan.

Working all night then staying awake all day actively caring for and supervising and infant is different than working during the day and then waking up a couple of times during the night. That really shouldn't need to be said, but maybe if you discuss the discrepancy specifically the foolishness of the statement will be a little more obvious.

I think you should ask for additional discussion and start by telling him sincerely that you hope he didn't mean what he said. Being new parents is a stressful time of life so maybe he deserves some small benefit of the doubt and I am not here to say everything about this is a disaster--but this is real adulting now, and it sounds like you need to have a serious and sincere sit-down.

Good luck ???

I guess I rambled on without even noting that there are a variety of ways to work this out as far as schedules and child care, working around both of your schedules, sharing duties, getting a little help from others, etc. It's just going to require discussion other than "if I don't have help why should you?"

Been there,done that, ASN, RN · Dec 5, 2022

Seems like you spouse is concerned about the cost of the daycare. Explain to Mr. Cheapo Clueless.. that you will working your tookas off all night in a life and death position. You need rest between shifts to perform. You need rest to take good care of the baby. How could he expect you to to stay awake all night..and stay awake most of the day with the demands of an infant???

If Mr. C.C. does not agree to daycare.. do not go to nights. It is an impossible request.

Lots of luck with this guy.

allnurses Guide · Dec 6, 2022

I think I would sweetly say. Well honey if you feel that way I will quit my job and stay home until Junior is a year or 5 years or 18 and we will just have to get by on your income alone.\Hppy

RNperdiem, RN · Dec 6, 2022

You are absolutely not selfish to need childcare so you can get the sleep you need to function safely. Sleep is a physiologic need, and going for too long without it is dangerous. Ask me how I know. I took a break from nights for a while after blowing through a red light on a sleep-deprived drive home.

Rate your pain · Dec 9, 2022

When I worked nights, in the beginning it was difficult for my husband to understand that I needed to sleep during the day. After one long shift, he called me at noon to let me know that chicken breasts were on sale at the local grocery store and it would be nice if I’d go purchase some that day. (Eye rolling). My colleague said I should call him at 3 a.m. to chat and say something along the lines of “did I wake you? I was wondering if you could ….”.

All joking aside, your spouse may simply not understand what night shift means. You are not being selfish. It’s difficult enough adjusting to nights, but now you’re adding a new baby to the mix. You absolutely must sleep during the day. It’s very difficult to function without. Taking care of a baby during the day is much more work. If he doesn’t like the daycare idea, perhaps a babysitter or a grandparent can step in to assist. If he’s generally a supportive spouse, he will eventually get it. I hope.

**CommunityRNBSN, BSN, RN** · Dec 9, 2022

This is a relationship problem, more than a working/nurse problem. From here on out (for at least 18 years), you and hubby need to work to solve parenting problems together. Here's your first one: How will we balance our jobs and our baby's needs? It would help to get a couple's therapist who can talk you through negotiating all of this without resorting to calling each other names ("selfish").

skylark, BSN, RN · Dec 12, 2022

So let me get this right.

He is upset at the thought of having his sleep disturbed to feed the baby at night, but wants you to stay awake 24/7, working and then caring for the baby.

Sounds like you have two babies, one is old enough to take responsibility and step up.

?

Nicole Delacruz · Feb 3, 2023

I am also a mom of a 20month old. I just started working 6mo ago in a New Grad program. My husband is super supportive and he tried to give me time to sleep as much as possible. I tried working nights, but it was really difficult to sleep during the day due to my son wanting to play and I want to spend time with him. So I went back to the days, which is a lot better. I think you just have to find a work schedule that works best for both you and your husband.

Right now I am wondering if a hospital job is right for me. Now that I am a mom, I am trying to find a better work-life balance. Should I find an outpatient RN job or stay in the hospital? Are any moms out there that can give me advice?