NEED HELP WITH WIFE

CLuriaARNP · Sep 8, 2009

I have been a family nurse practitioner since 1969, who also does about 70% psychiatry.

***Agree the the author who focused on combination of being a relatively new mother and also a woman with sexual and other abuse in the background.

***One of the first things I would wonder about --is she getting some adult time, away from the baby where she does not have to worry about the baby, but can enjoy some "not-mommy" time? Being the mother of a 6 mo old can be totally overwhelming - and then to have her spouse entering in to new learning, homework time needed, and a lot of new experiences can indeed hit her in the gut - i.e. increase her sense of isolation. What did she do before the child was born and has she been able to keep ties with old friends. What identification does she herself have besides "mother" - i.e. you are a father AND student nurse - she is a mother AND _____.

***Do you have a regular date night without the baby? Can be helpful.

***Does she have daytime off (i.e.you or babysitter take over the childcare) so she can have some adult time or time for herself to exercise, get her nails done, go for coffee - whatever.

***Are you pulling your weight as FATHER? Even though you are a student I would expect you to be working to help with housework and babywork.

***Is she getting some un-interrupted sleep? Sometimes if parents share week-end so one has Sat AM "off" and the other has Sun AM "off" can really help (suggestion based on my daughter's way of handling this).

***Concerning the counseling - I have found the most helpful counseling for pt with history of abuse includes EMDR. Agree her own counseling is very important, as well as some couples work to negotiate this new time in your lives as parents and student nurse and ____.

Best wishes.

BabyLady, BSN, RN · Sep 8, 2009

Understand that the problem isn't yours, it belongs to her.

My advice is no different than if it were a female posting: It could be an act of insecurity on her part or an act of control.

Either way...she needs to get counseling if she cannot process the difference between you seeing someone naked from a sexual encounter vs taking care of someone who has a health care issue.

eldragon · Sep 8, 2009

I agree with Miranda. This is not about you, your classmates, your patients, or your future coworkers. It is about your wife. She needs to deal with this for the sake of her marriage and the sake of her child. You can help her by supporting her in her efforts to do this, but the work is hers to do.

Absolutely. My first marriage was a nightmare and ended in divorce after four years and one child, due to my ex-husband being extremely jealous. I was also in college with a classroom of men (I'm a woman and it wasn't nursing).

My ex was hysterically insecure and there was nothing I could do to change that. He used to follow me to school and peek inside the classroom door, search my school notes for

"clues" of certain infidelity, etc. It was a nightmare for me. And it wasn't just about classmates, my husband was certain I was messing around with teachers, co-workers at jobs, and anywhere I came into contact with men.

The relationship was physically abusive also. He did go to counseling but it really didn't help much, as he always thought the problem was mine, not his. If I would just stop cheating!

Of course I never cheated once; was scared to death to even speak to another man. But those were his issues, not mine.

Twenty years later, he still swears I was a tramp. Well, let me tell you - leaving him was the best thing I ever did.

The only thing I regret now is being trapped in that marriage as long as I was, and for thinking anything I was doing was the problem. It was him, not me.

And that's really the bottom line. You are trying to educate yourself so that you can earn a decent living for your family. If she can't understand that and get her insecurity under control, she will drive you away. You need to study and focus on school and that won't be possible if you are walking on eggshells around an insecure partner.

Just my two cents.

milan18400 · Sep 8, 2009

thank you everyone for all of your advice.

CLuriaARNP,

I really appreciate your input. No, she is not getting any adult time at all. She refuses to let the baby be out of her sight. Her stepfather was the one who abused her and her mother never left him because of it, so the baby is obviously not going over there. she's an only child so she has no other family member that she would even think about trusting. My family lives in Serbia. I will watch the baby for a few minutes so she can watch tv or take a bath once in a while but I work in the blast furnace at a steel mill 50 hours a week. add that to full time nursing school and studying and i literally don't have a minute to help her out.

she goes to therapy but has never told the therapist the truth about things, she says she's too scared. she's been talking to the pastor at our church and says he's been helping her.

i know she has a ton of stress but i literally just cannot help her out. we had taken all of our pre-req's together and we were both supposed to start nursing school together so that just adds to how alone she feels. i wish i had the ability to help her. the mills are laying off more workers by the day so i really have to buckle down and get schooling done so i can have a nice, stable job. the last few days she's been dealing with everything a lot better but i can tell she still is very bothered by everything and is just masking her emotions.

she brought me lunch to the school friday and seems to feel better the more involved she is. she also helped me make some note-cards to study for a test and that seemed to help as well.

Thanks again everyone, i just needed to talk about things and hear other peoples perspectives.

~Mi Vida Loca~RN, ASN, RN · Sep 10, 2009

I have been a family nurse practitioner since 1969, who also does about 70% psychiatry.
***Agree the the author who focused on combination of being a relatively new mother and also a woman with sexual and other abuse in the background.
***One of the first things I would wonder about --is she getting some adult time, away from the baby where she does not have to worry about the baby, but can enjoy some "not-mommy" time? Being the mother of a 6 mo old can be totally overwhelming - and then to have her spouse entering in to new learning, homework time needed, and a lot of new experiences can indeed hit her in the gut - i.e. increase her sense of isolation. What did she do before the child was born and has she been able to keep ties with old friends. What identification does she herself have besides "mother" - i.e. you are a father AND student nurse - she is a mother AND _____.
***Do you have a regular date night without the baby? Can be helpful.
***Does she have daytime off (i.e.you or babysitter take over the childcare) so she can have some adult time or time for herself to exercise, get her nails done, go for coffee - whatever.
***Are you pulling your weight as FATHER? Even though you are a student I would expect you to be working to help with housework and babywork.
***Is she getting some un-interrupted sleep? Sometimes if parents share week-end so one has Sat AM "off" and the other has Sun AM "off" can really help (suggestion based on my daughter's way of handling this).
***Concerning the counseling - I have found the most helpful counseling for pt with history of abuse includes EMDR. Agree her own counseling is very important, as well as some couples work to negotiate this new time in your lives as parents and student nurse and ____.
Best wishes.

You gave some excellent points, I suggested a lot of the same in the other forum he posted this in as well so of course I love you ideas Not to mention I went through some of these same things long ago around the beginning of my marriage.

ItsTheDude · Sep 10, 2009

there's no magic fix. u can only assure ur wife with genuine talk/actions (but don't go overboard, b/c then it becomes overkill), but ur actions r only temporary. in the long run this is something she's going to have to work through, u can only help, u can't fix it.

bionicwoman · Sep 10, 2009

You did mention panic attacks -- which boils down to huge, huge anxiety. She worries endlessly, the cause could be emotional and biochemical both and who knows what else. Perhaps if it wasn't this issue.......then it would be another issue. And so on and so on. So while some are open to help through docs like a psychiatrist and medication others are not. I'm not a huge fan of meds for psychological issues....yet there is good use of them now and again with an ethical doc. With the no-med route.......I found an excellent course for my CEU's through a company educator that dealt with anxiety in a very, very compassionate and easy to understand manner -- a doc from Duke wrote the course. It was wonderful and came with the book etc. Just KNOWING you have a normal thing like anxiety -- albeit perhaps fulminating or out of control -- brings relief in that it's so so treatable....this doc even goes into non-medication ways to help even though he's a shrink. The other thing that comes to mind is a book or two on living in the present moment -- such as a book by John Kabat-Zinn......Full Catastophe Living or maybe better yet 'Wherever you go you are there' I think it's called. It teaches the reader simple techniques for understanding a healthier way to live life and enjoy life right in the immediate 'now'.... he refers to it as meditation -- but actually not how you might envision traditional 'meditation'. Simply a way to be a detached observer that is unjudgemental viewing yourself and all that's around you......It is filled with so much wisdom.......and not cultish or wacky in the least. So while the others mentioned counseling again and again.......this is just adding another bit of 'self-help' that you could maybe enjoy together. Because truly the past is just that -- the past. You have only so many days in which you will be living.....I'd love for her and you and the baby to have happy days......days filled with joy and happy surprises........days of not being critical and harsh of yourselves, the past, or present or future.....but rather living...simply living! So as our negative thoughts can hinder healing and a sense of peace....maybe some exercises in

'neutral' thoughts and simply understanding things by the teachings in jon kabat zinn's book.......could be helpful! A best seller going on ten years now I believe.

Okay that's all. While it seems like this is hugely destructive etc (the perceived jealousy etc.).........you, she, the kiddo are not victims....you can work this out toward positive growth and happy living......no matter the externals......or situations that come up.

christieb01 · Sep 15, 2009

Would your wife be open to joining a Moms group? I found that being able to sit with other moms and talk was very helpful. I don't know if it would help as much with the jealousy issues you described but I think it would help with the isolation she might be feeling. I know you said you couldn't help as far as time, but even that 10 minutes so she can take a shower without worrying if the baby will wake up helps.

Tell her how much you love her, bring home flowers (even a daisy picked from the yard- it doesn't have to cost money). I know you've probably heard all of this before, and yes, I am a woman.

Good luck, and hang in there.

mtnmedic · Sep 18, 2009

Hi,
I need some advice. I just started nursing school in August and I have been married for 3 years. My wife is very jealous of all the girls in my class (although there's only 1 girl under the age of 35 and she's not attractive at all). She's came and walked by the classroom and she knows this but she's like having panic attacks every time I'm at school. She's also really worried about when I have to do the OB rotation and see girls naked. I've tried to explain to her that it's a professional setting and I would never think of it sexually no matter who it was naked, let alone with a baby coming out! She just keeps having panic attacks and I really don't know how to console her. Basically I was just wondering if anyone had any ideas. She says she's really scared of me finding someone "better" and leaving her. I think she's an amazing wife and a great mother to our 6 month old daughter she just can't stop obsessing over this. (and then she came on here and saw someone post about the beautiful girls in their classes and freaked out more).
Just for reference I have never done anything even remotely close to being unfaithful. She had a very hard childhood and was sexually abused for many years by a family member, so I'm not upset that she is so scared, I just was wondering if anyone had any ideas on what to say? Besides the normals "i wont leave you" "i love you" "it's a professional setting", etc.

I'm sorry your wife is so jealous. And I'm sorry to say this, but you have along, hard road ahead of you. I'm not trying to be inconsiderate or an ass, but she will never get over her jealousy of others. What is going to happen when you are out of school and have to take care of a female patient and worse, an attractive female patient? You are not going to be able to talk with your wife about your day, she is always going to be worried about other women. What about the your female co-workers? Other than what you have already told her, I'm at a loss.

Circejane · Sep 18, 2009

Earlier in this thread, you mentioned that your wife has not really opened up to her therapist. It's wonderful that she is in therapy, but could you explain to her that a therapist working with important gaps in patient history is just as handicapped as an MD who is unaware that his patient had cancer? For her to really make progress and get happier and healthier, she needs to share these things with her therapist. If she doesn't feel safe with that particular counselor, she should ask for a referral to another.

If bringing up the abuse is too traumatic for her, perhaps you could ask her if it would be okay if you went with her to one session with her, and YOU did the initial telling of her story to the therapist. After that, it might not be so daunting, and she and the therapist could work on it themselves. Sometimes it's just almost impossible to get the words out to describe something so horrible.

I'm writing all about the therapy because I believe that's the thing that's going to help this situation. Your wife is fragile and vulnerable, but she's also putting unreasonable pressure on you, albeit probably not deliberately. For your marriage and your education, I strongly suggest that she fully commit to therapy. There will surely be things that you can/should do to help her, but as far as this jealousy and unhappiness goes, it's really up to her. Just love her and be supportive, which you're already doing. Best of luck to both of you.

~Mi Vida Loca~RN, ASN, RN · Sep 19, 2009

I'm sorry your wife is so jealous. And I'm sorry to say this, but you have along, hard road ahead of you. I'm not trying to be inconsiderate or an ass, but she will never get over her jealousy of others. What is going to happen when you are out of school and have to take care of a female patient and worse, an attractive female patient? You are not going to be able to talk with your wife about your day, she is always going to be worried about other women. What about the your female co-workers? Other than what you have already told her, I'm at a loss.

I have to completely disagree with this, how can you state with 100% certainty that she will never be able to get over her jealousy issues?? My husband and I both had extreme jealousy issues early on in our marriage. They no longer exist. Doesn't nursing teach us that their is no 100%?? This woman has had a lot on her plate, their is nothing to say she can't over come it, grow and learn from it and have their relationship in the end be stronger from it.

bajacaliforniano · Oct 8, 2009

omg, may be is the SADs